Crack has ruined my relationship with my love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 4
Crack has ruined my relationship with my love
Last Christmas I reconnected with my high school crush. It was amazing, fast forward 7 months I’m deeply in love and his crack addiction is ruining everything. He’s handsome, kind and deeply spiritual. He’s never lied to me, always been honest (well at the beginning not so honest about how often he used but later confessed ) he smokes to deal with the pain from being molested as a kid but had also told me he likes to get high! I’ve offered suggestions, ways to get help etc. He’s rail thin and killing himself. His life is awful, multiple deaths in the past few months, lives in his moms basement (almost 44), super talented musician, doesn’t steal but works hard to support his habit. Kind when high but nasty when withdrawing and disappears for days (which now I know is the binge/crash cycle). I recently helped him obtain state health insurance. He has just cut me off out of the blue, saying he’s tired of me belittling him (god forbid I express my concern about his health) and leave him alone, he’d rather die alone! I’m crushed, realizing he doesn’t have a pot to **** in, I’ve bought him musical equipment because I do truly believe in his talents and have paid to see him multiple times (I have the means and know he doesn’t). He’s beyond stubborn and thinks no one listens or understands anything he says. I’m so in love with this man, know it could be years before he hits rock bottom (and maybe never will bc he lives with mom, she still calls him for dinner). I’m a single mom that has struggled from food stamps to a successful career (but I definitely drink to much). How do I go forward? This man has had more hurts than anyone deserves..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi Crackruinedus, glad you found the forum. You have posted in a thread that is a few years old, so some of the people who replied here and the original poster may no longer be using the site. I encourage you to start a new thread as well.
All that said, how do you go forward? Hopefully without him. He is dragging you along in his addiction, seems like it's time to let go of the rope.
Is he stubborn in general of does he just want to use crack and be left alone? He has basically told you that, so what else is there to do except leave him alone? He is not relationship material.
Addicts do not want to be told they shouldn't be using their drug of choice. He values it more than you, his family, probably even himself. Once you challenge that order, you become the enemy (which you have).
He was a crack user before you met him, while you were with him and he will be right now and there is nothing you can do to change that. If he wants to change, he knows where to get help true?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). A few things that might help. Focus on yourself, take good care of yourself, what do you want from your life. Perhaps check our Al Anon or Nar Anon (for friends and family of addicts, to support you, not try to fix him). I would also recommend a book called Codependent no More by Melody Beattie, lots of info in there about boundaries (for you).
I'm sure you are very hurt, but you will heal, over time, if you focus back on yourself.
All that said, how do you go forward? Hopefully without him. He is dragging you along in his addiction, seems like it's time to let go of the rope.
Is he stubborn in general of does he just want to use crack and be left alone? He has basically told you that, so what else is there to do except leave him alone? He is not relationship material.
Addicts do not want to be told they shouldn't be using their drug of choice. He values it more than you, his family, probably even himself. Once you challenge that order, you become the enemy (which you have).
He was a crack user before you met him, while you were with him and he will be right now and there is nothing you can do to change that. If he wants to change, he knows where to get help true?
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). A few things that might help. Focus on yourself, take good care of yourself, what do you want from your life. Perhaps check our Al Anon or Nar Anon (for friends and family of addicts, to support you, not try to fix him). I would also recommend a book called Codependent no More by Melody Beattie, lots of info in there about boundaries (for you).
I'm sure you are very hurt, but you will heal, over time, if you focus back on yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's not likely he will stop any time soon, you acknowledge that in your post. Maybe ask yourself how many years are you willing to fight to change what only he can change and when he is ready. How much money do you want to spend? How badly will you let him treat you because it will only get worse, that's just how addiction works.
This might be a good time to step back and take care of yourself. You have a career, hang close to your money, and maybe join a support group like Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that help us regain our balance and find a healthier way to live...whether we stay or leave a relationship.
My son is the addict in my life, a middle age grown man now. Since his early 20's I spent years and years of trying to "save him", spent more money and time than I could afford and in the end, I made myself sick and had to let go. I feel bad for the ladies he left in his dust, a couple of them had a child from him and those children never see their dad, they can't because he can't stay clean long enough to be responsible to anyone, including himself.
Read around here, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will hear from others who have been where you are.
Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us,
This might be a good time to step back and take care of yourself. You have a career, hang close to your money, and maybe join a support group like Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA, three similar fellowships that help us regain our balance and find a healthier way to live...whether we stay or leave a relationship.
My son is the addict in my life, a middle age grown man now. Since his early 20's I spent years and years of trying to "save him", spent more money and time than I could afford and in the end, I made myself sick and had to let go. I feel bad for the ladies he left in his dust, a couple of them had a child from him and those children never see their dad, they can't because he can't stay clean long enough to be responsible to anyone, including himself.
Read around here, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and you will hear from others who have been where you are.
Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
I second all of this!
Something I noticed in your story—you have done a lot to possibly “help him get healthy.” Maybe he enjoyed that for a while. But the part of him that wants to use more than anything else knows that your care and kindness is a threat to the addiction. So you become the enemy, and you must be removed.
Care and kindness from someone else is never enough to change the course of addiction. He has to decide he loves himself more than drugs, and that he’s going to do the work to get clean and heal. I like to think of the love from friends/family/significant others as a great resource—I find at times of hardship in my life, I often have to lean on the support of others as a resource to help me through. But it’s not a cure or a solution to my problems, or to an addict’s problems.
So like everyone has said, I don’t recommend waiting for him to try to save himself. 1) It might never happen. 2) You might destroy yourself waiting for him, or destroy any possibility that you could be happy with him. Sometimes addicted loved ones put you through things you may never be able to forgive, even if they do eventually get clean.
Something I noticed in your story—you have done a lot to possibly “help him get healthy.” Maybe he enjoyed that for a while. But the part of him that wants to use more than anything else knows that your care and kindness is a threat to the addiction. So you become the enemy, and you must be removed.
Care and kindness from someone else is never enough to change the course of addiction. He has to decide he loves himself more than drugs, and that he’s going to do the work to get clean and heal. I like to think of the love from friends/family/significant others as a great resource—I find at times of hardship in my life, I often have to lean on the support of others as a resource to help me through. But it’s not a cure or a solution to my problems, or to an addict’s problems.
So like everyone has said, I don’t recommend waiting for him to try to save himself. 1) It might never happen. 2) You might destroy yourself waiting for him, or destroy any possibility that you could be happy with him. Sometimes addicted loved ones put you through things you may never be able to forgive, even if they do eventually get clean.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 1
Hello,.
I'm going thru getting over an almost relationship with a girl, she's 43, who I found out 3 weeks in was, including but not limited to, a crack addict. She lives with her ex, I accepted this because I do as well (that living arrangement is ending soon for both of us, hers in October). It's a nightmare situation for her and it's all the excuse she needs to continue her junkie behavior. I found out last week, my birthday, how bad she was. She told me in person and texts. She described herself as a "bad addict" who "needs help" but still uses. Her whole life is a mess. Poor sweet girl was probably born an addict from what she describes. Anyway I'm really heartsick over knowing we will never be. I found this and other forums looking for similar stories; yours is very sad and what I was facing if I didn't make the difficult decision to walk away, because I really, really like her. Yet even though I know she feels the same, she is using and I'm not setting myself up to be drained white more ways than one. We all know the drugs come first.. When I told her last week I was afraid she'd hurt me and I didn't think it was a good idea to see her, she told me later that night she didn't like me saying that, but that I was right. It's a disheartening situation. But reading your story and others like this I know I was right to end it and it hurts. Not heartbroken but heartsick over what otherwise could've been great but never will be. But I know it's better than what I'd almost certainly go thru. Best of luck and speedy recovery getting over this
I'm going thru getting over an almost relationship with a girl, she's 43, who I found out 3 weeks in was, including but not limited to, a crack addict. She lives with her ex, I accepted this because I do as well (that living arrangement is ending soon for both of us, hers in October). It's a nightmare situation for her and it's all the excuse she needs to continue her junkie behavior. I found out last week, my birthday, how bad she was. She told me in person and texts. She described herself as a "bad addict" who "needs help" but still uses. Her whole life is a mess. Poor sweet girl was probably born an addict from what she describes. Anyway I'm really heartsick over knowing we will never be. I found this and other forums looking for similar stories; yours is very sad and what I was facing if I didn't make the difficult decision to walk away, because I really, really like her. Yet even though I know she feels the same, she is using and I'm not setting myself up to be drained white more ways than one. We all know the drugs come first.. When I told her last week I was afraid she'd hurt me and I didn't think it was a good idea to see her, she told me later that night she didn't like me saying that, but that I was right. It's a disheartening situation. But reading your story and others like this I know I was right to end it and it hurts. Not heartbroken but heartsick over what otherwise could've been great but never will be. But I know it's better than what I'd almost certainly go thru. Best of luck and speedy recovery getting over this
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