First post. Struggling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
First post. Struggling.
I have been on here for several months, reading, relating, too scared to post. But I think my fear of my reality has been very isolating. So i need to get it in the world, maybe It will bring a bit of solace.
Long story: ten years ago I began dating the love of my life. Very naive and uneducated, after months of dating I soon I found out he was addicted to heroin. A couple years and he was clean. Shortly after I became pregnant and we got married.
After several years I randomly got in his wallet and I found a baggy in a dollar... it was meth. I had never in a million years dreamed this was real. Not only drugs again, but a completely new drug. It was excused by some story i chose to believe.
About a year and a half/ two years later he was working... alot. and always around a shady guy from work. I knew he had to be using. Eventually I found his drugs. He cried made me feel bad for him. He was honest and open, went to a dr appt and then nothing... I hate myself for doing so little. Again, i chose to believe.
Fast forward 6 months and I noticed slight changes. I knew he was using and Again I find the drugs.
Im no longer in denial, im no longer under the impression its no big deal. I know for sure it isnt isolated instances or a mistake. My heart shattered and for some reason it took me years to say no more and mean it. I saw my life falling apart. If I was not pregnant with our second, i would have left already. (So I claim) But for this baby I had to give this family one last chance. I said he had to be in a program or I was gone and I meant it. He did and does.
But this past week or so I just have my gut telling me somethings off. No major signs or anything but the subtle shift in things is all I need.
Here I am, due to give birth in 6 weeks and having the overwhelming fear and worry of what is to come. I'm overwhelmed beyond belief. My anxiety is in control of me and i am barely making it through the days. I dont want to suffer for his problems. I feel so very alone and angry with myself.
Long story: ten years ago I began dating the love of my life. Very naive and uneducated, after months of dating I soon I found out he was addicted to heroin. A couple years and he was clean. Shortly after I became pregnant and we got married.
After several years I randomly got in his wallet and I found a baggy in a dollar... it was meth. I had never in a million years dreamed this was real. Not only drugs again, but a completely new drug. It was excused by some story i chose to believe.
About a year and a half/ two years later he was working... alot. and always around a shady guy from work. I knew he had to be using. Eventually I found his drugs. He cried made me feel bad for him. He was honest and open, went to a dr appt and then nothing... I hate myself for doing so little. Again, i chose to believe.
Fast forward 6 months and I noticed slight changes. I knew he was using and Again I find the drugs.
Im no longer in denial, im no longer under the impression its no big deal. I know for sure it isnt isolated instances or a mistake. My heart shattered and for some reason it took me years to say no more and mean it. I saw my life falling apart. If I was not pregnant with our second, i would have left already. (So I claim) But for this baby I had to give this family one last chance. I said he had to be in a program or I was gone and I meant it. He did and does.
But this past week or so I just have my gut telling me somethings off. No major signs or anything but the subtle shift in things is all I need.
Here I am, due to give birth in 6 weeks and having the overwhelming fear and worry of what is to come. I'm overwhelmed beyond belief. My anxiety is in control of me and i am barely making it through the days. I dont want to suffer for his problems. I feel so very alone and angry with myself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Shine, I am so sorry for all you are going through and hope you will find the courage to ensure the safety of yourself and your two babies. This new baby will be a special blessing to you, and it's up to you to provide a safe, happy and peaceful home free from addiction and drugs.
You know what you know. I too found the safety of denial a good place to hide for a while but eventually realized that my life was one big illusion of what I wanted it to be. My addicted loved one was my son and like your husband, he left a lot of damage in his path of life. He is in his 40's today, missing for over 10 years lost in his addiction somewhere. I share that because some of our loved ones find recovery and embrace it early, others take years and years, some like my son seem to never get it and many end up dead or in jail...and there is not one thing we can do to change that. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
If you haven't already found support meetings, I highly recommend that you try. Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA are three similar fellowships and there are many family groups and church groups that also support families and friends of addicted loved ones.
Whatever you choose to do, we are here supporting you. Please keep sharing and know that we understand and care.
Hugs
You know what you know. I too found the safety of denial a good place to hide for a while but eventually realized that my life was one big illusion of what I wanted it to be. My addicted loved one was my son and like your husband, he left a lot of damage in his path of life. He is in his 40's today, missing for over 10 years lost in his addiction somewhere. I share that because some of our loved ones find recovery and embrace it early, others take years and years, some like my son seem to never get it and many end up dead or in jail...and there is not one thing we can do to change that. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
If you haven't already found support meetings, I highly recommend that you try. Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA are three similar fellowships and there are many family groups and church groups that also support families and friends of addicted loved ones.
Whatever you choose to do, we are here supporting you. Please keep sharing and know that we understand and care.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
I am still with my addict husband... he has been clean on and off over the years, this time for 5 months. I was controlled by anxiety/codependency and wanted to save our family for the kids. I have learnt that the important thing is to live in today. Today my AH is clean so today we can be a family. If a day comes where he isn't clean then he isn't welcome in the family home. This is how I have dealt with it over the years. I kept my anxiety about what will happen in check by coming up with several financial back up plans.
Some on here may not agree but i don't always agree divorce is the answer when kids are involved. I know my AH and I know that we are his focus for getting or staying clean. If we had divorced years ago my main fear was that the kids would completely lose their dad and never see him as his addiction would have taken over. Its such a tough decision but ultimately what i believe is the best for kids is a happy and peaceful home. Good luck, I hope you find some inner peace x
Some on here may not agree but i don't always agree divorce is the answer when kids are involved. I know my AH and I know that we are his focus for getting or staying clean. If we had divorced years ago my main fear was that the kids would completely lose their dad and never see him as his addiction would have taken over. Its such a tough decision but ultimately what i believe is the best for kids is a happy and peaceful home. Good luck, I hope you find some inner peace x
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