Fmrinv

Hey there everyone!

Been a long time since I've been on here. How's everyone doing?

I took some time to distract myself and keep myself busy after a hard break up. But lately all of my emotions have returned to me and I wanted to get everyone's advice.

I'll tell you all about my relationship:

I was in a 6 year relationship with my boyfriend. He had begun to use meth. After 2 years of it, he got sober. He stopped drinking, smoking cigarettes, and using drugs. He stayed clean for over a year, and we were in a very happy committed relationship. He than suddenly broke up with me and began to use xanax heavily, and smoke weed all day. He then got clean from that. He then began using cocaine regularly, and drinking a lot. We then got back together after he promised to start attending NA meetings. After just a few weeks of us being together and him saying he was so happy with me, he suddenly broke up with me and told me that if he stays with me he will want to do drugs, and that Without me he can stay sober. I asked, ok, well what now? And he said "Im going to stay sober, and I'm going to get that job that I have lined up for me that requires drug testing"
I told him that I was going to move out of state, to live with my sister. I told him that if I move, that means we were really done.

Nearly a month after this happened, I saw him on the side of the road in his sedan. We hadn't talked at all. I looked at him in shock because I was confused as to what he was doing.
I continued to drive. I then received a text from him saying "my car died and I'm just waiting for the tow truck. That's why I'm here"
I did not respond, but was confused as to why he let me know. Why did he care to tell me this?

5 days after that, I moved out of state to live with my sister. He knew this because my friends had posted it on their social media.
I did not hear from him for 4 months. Living with my sister did not work out, so I am back home now. I still have not seen him, not heard from him, and I have no idea what he's doing.

I just have a few questions: why did he say I'm the reason he'd do drugs? That he would stay sober without me?

I just guess I want all your opinions. I know there's no way for anyone to read his mind but I want opinions.

Do you think he's sober?

He's never been able to go a month without speaking to me, this time he never reached out again. Wondering if it's because I told him this time we'd be done?

I don't know. I'm sorry for asking all of this. I guess I'm just confused and wish I could know if he was on drugs but there's obviously no way for any of YOU aro know that for sure ... haha

Sorry for the rant.

FeelingGreat

Sorry you're going through this tough time. Recovery, the real thing that is, often seems to be accompanied by a break up in relationships.
Please don't blame yourself. You don't make him use, but he may not be able to handle the hard work of recovery as well as a relationship.
You're at the stage where you think about him and what he's doing a lot. For your own sake move your focus to looking after yourself and avoiding anything to do with him. Ask your friends to help you.

Ann

"We"don't make them use anymore than "we" can make them get clean. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

With his history of recovery/relapse/using it is probably wise to stay clear of him. If he tells you he is clean, can you believe him? Therein lies the dilemma, a clean person will tell you they are clean...and a using person will tell you they are clean if it is in their best interest. Actions tell all.

We repeat the lessons until we learn them and say "enough".

hopeful4

I would say the likely story is that he could not stay with you and do drugs. I may be wrong, no one on this forum can tell you that. However, what I do know is recovery is hard work and at this point, only he can make himself want that.

The best thing you can do is let go, and focus on YOU.

Hugs.

Maudcat

Hi, Fmrinv.
Do you have any reason to think he is sober?
And, if he is, does it matter?
Sorry you are going through this.
I think the best thing you can do for you is to give him to God or higher power and take care of yourself.
Peace.

atalose

Living the life he chooses to live, one which no longer includes you.

It would seem the cycle of break-ups and make-ups has ran it course.

He has ended the relationship, he made a decision to end it for good and now it’s up to you to work on accepting that fact as hard as it may feel to do so.

You moved on, you moved away to start a new life and that did not work out, he didn’t come chasing after you declaring love and commitment to working on the relationship. It didn’t work out with your sister so now you are back in your old life looking to begin that cycle again obsessing about him and what he is or is not doing and why.

The addict has changed, you maybe not so much. Time to turn all of that obsession inward. Not trying to be mean or harsh just truthful.

HardLessons

Hi Fmrinv

Maybe you don't realize it yet, but if he's leaving you alone & no longer contacting you - he has done you a great favor.

He is an active addict going from one DOC to another. He is a mess & has nothing to offer you in terms of a quality life.

For the most part, my addict has left me alone. I don't know why she has done it. But it is a gift she has given me. The gift is a chance for me to heal & hopefully live a better life.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks

nytepassion

When getting clean we are told we can't hang around the same people, places and we need to do things dfferently. If we are in familar territory with a familar face and we relapse we might feel like we can't get clean or stay clean in the old environment and old relationship. Especially if the person was an enabler/codependent and didn't/hasn't sought their own recovery so old patterns can trigger old behaviors in the addict.

He sounds like he was looking to point his his finger in your direction instead of owning up to his relapse, facing it head on and dealing with it which means he's not done being kicked around by his addiction yet. Regardless, you are not the reason he uses. He uses because he is an addict.

It is very likely that he is still using and that is why he hasn't reached out. As painful as it is it is for the best. He cannot offer you anything but brokeness. Let him go and seek healing. We become damaged if not more then the addicts themselves by their addiction.

I encourage you to learn all you can about enabling, codependency, detaching wih love. Knowledge is power and the key to freedom.

Hugs,
Passion
Recovering addict