Hurt for the third time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Hurt for the third time
Today I was hurt for the third time by an addict.
When I was 16 my parents got divorced. And it was messy. My dad had been using for about 6 years at that point, lortabs mostly. At 16 you think you are grown but I wasn’t at all prepared for the emotions that went along with that discovery. Shock, anger, confusion. My sisters were 9 and 12 and twice as confused as I was. The night my mom kicked my dad out I remember waking up to the sound of them fighting. I snuck downstairs and watched my dad punch himself in the face repeatedly. An imagine that will always stay with me. I felt ashamed. I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends.
Looking back my dad was always high. He was asleep in the bed, always. He paid no attention to me. My mom was so stressed I am sure she was anorexic. Some of my childhood I block out. It’s easier that way.
I think my dad really was clean for a while after the divorce. He probably didn’t think my mom was serious. But one day while I was at work I got a phone call from my dad. His boss had caught him using and he was at the airport about to fly to inpatient rehab 10 states away for 2 months. I was blind sided.
He got back from rehab and he didn’t want to talk about it. “The past is the past” he snarked at me. But I was still hurt and angry. He made it obvious that it was not a topic for discussion.
And I really thought my dad was clean. About 3 months ago my dad got fired from his 6 figure job. He was buying drugs in the parking lot and embezzeling money, etc. my emotions were embarrassed and angry and hurt. I ignored his calls and texts. Even when he told me happy birthday. He said I owe him the respect to reply to him. A part of me ******* hates him. But loves him. Or who I thought he was. Or something.
My aunt I have thought was perfect from the day I was born. Laid back, slow temper, funny and kind. I thought she could do no wrong. And then I learned she was abusing fentyal. Shooting up in the shower. Passing out in front of her kindergartener. I found this out around the same time my dad got fired. I panicked. It’s in my blood. I am doomed to be an addict. **** her. **** him.
Today I was hurt for the third time by an addict. I am a supervisor where I work and one of my staff is in recovery from opioids. 5 years sober. He’s done inpatient rehab, worked the steps, hit rock bottom, he’s changed. He is one of my staff and while I am very professional I cannot help but be close to my staff. I care for them. Hell, we spend 40 hours a week together. He had been acting suspicious for a while and today I asked him had he relapsed. A long pause..... “yes” and it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. 6 months he had been using. Only this time it wasn’t opiates, it was meth. Right under my nose. He had an excuse for the dozing off, the scabbed face, everything. And I believed it. Just like every time I believed my dad. Just like I thought my aunt was perfect.
I guess I’m writing all this to get it off my chest. Maybe someone can relate to this. Or has some wisdom. I feel helpless. I realize there is nothing I can do for the 3 addicts I love. I feel like I am watching them die. I feel angry and upset and betrayed. I want to smack them and hug them all at the same time. But I know I am close to driving myself crazy. I feel sick that I may never have a relationship with my father.
When I was 16 my parents got divorced. And it was messy. My dad had been using for about 6 years at that point, lortabs mostly. At 16 you think you are grown but I wasn’t at all prepared for the emotions that went along with that discovery. Shock, anger, confusion. My sisters were 9 and 12 and twice as confused as I was. The night my mom kicked my dad out I remember waking up to the sound of them fighting. I snuck downstairs and watched my dad punch himself in the face repeatedly. An imagine that will always stay with me. I felt ashamed. I wouldn’t even tell my closest friends.
Looking back my dad was always high. He was asleep in the bed, always. He paid no attention to me. My mom was so stressed I am sure she was anorexic. Some of my childhood I block out. It’s easier that way.
I think my dad really was clean for a while after the divorce. He probably didn’t think my mom was serious. But one day while I was at work I got a phone call from my dad. His boss had caught him using and he was at the airport about to fly to inpatient rehab 10 states away for 2 months. I was blind sided.
He got back from rehab and he didn’t want to talk about it. “The past is the past” he snarked at me. But I was still hurt and angry. He made it obvious that it was not a topic for discussion.
And I really thought my dad was clean. About 3 months ago my dad got fired from his 6 figure job. He was buying drugs in the parking lot and embezzeling money, etc. my emotions were embarrassed and angry and hurt. I ignored his calls and texts. Even when he told me happy birthday. He said I owe him the respect to reply to him. A part of me ******* hates him. But loves him. Or who I thought he was. Or something.
My aunt I have thought was perfect from the day I was born. Laid back, slow temper, funny and kind. I thought she could do no wrong. And then I learned she was abusing fentyal. Shooting up in the shower. Passing out in front of her kindergartener. I found this out around the same time my dad got fired. I panicked. It’s in my blood. I am doomed to be an addict. **** her. **** him.
Today I was hurt for the third time by an addict. I am a supervisor where I work and one of my staff is in recovery from opioids. 5 years sober. He’s done inpatient rehab, worked the steps, hit rock bottom, he’s changed. He is one of my staff and while I am very professional I cannot help but be close to my staff. I care for them. Hell, we spend 40 hours a week together. He had been acting suspicious for a while and today I asked him had he relapsed. A long pause..... “yes” and it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. 6 months he had been using. Only this time it wasn’t opiates, it was meth. Right under my nose. He had an excuse for the dozing off, the scabbed face, everything. And I believed it. Just like every time I believed my dad. Just like I thought my aunt was perfect.
I guess I’m writing all this to get it off my chest. Maybe someone can relate to this. Or has some wisdom. I feel helpless. I realize there is nothing I can do for the 3 addicts I love. I feel like I am watching them die. I feel angry and upset and betrayed. I want to smack them and hug them all at the same time. But I know I am close to driving myself crazy. I feel sick that I may never have a relationship with my father.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I realize there is nothing I can do for the 3 addicts I love.
nope, we have no power over another's disease....WE are not a CURE. we are just people who know them.
their lives belong to them.
our life belongs to us.
many of us forget there is a barrier between the two...where i END, and YOU begin.
nope, we have no power over another's disease....WE are not a CURE. we are just people who know them.
their lives belong to them.
our life belongs to us.
many of us forget there is a barrier between the two...where i END, and YOU begin.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Rootbeer, get thee to Naranon. You will learn there, how to detach with love. Also, Melody Beattie's "Codependency No More" is a good starter book. I'm sorry for what brings you here. The world is so full of sick people and sometimes, they make themselves sicker; it is difficult to watch, especially for an empath who knows there is nothing you can do about it.
Also, you are not doomed to be an addict. If you know it's in your blood (as you say), just stay away from addictive behaviors and substances. Don't drink, drug, smoke, or gamble. You can be healthy. You are not them. You are you.
Also, you are not doomed to be an addict. If you know it's in your blood (as you say), just stay away from addictive behaviors and substances. Don't drink, drug, smoke, or gamble. You can be healthy. You are not them. You are you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Rootbeer, I can relate. I am so sorry that other people's addictions have brought such pain in to your life. Unfortunately there is no quick fix to how it's making you feel. Educating yourself about addiction and codependence brings some clarity that does help, it takes some time, but it does eventually help.
I have spent almost my entire life surrounded by people with addiction issues. My dad and his family were all big drinkers, most died of complications related to their consumptions. My exhusband and several members of his family are alcoholics. Many of my (now estranged) friends abused alcohol and a few had drug problems. My brother has mental health issues he exacerbates with illegal drugs... my mother is a RAGING codependent....it is a long miserable list of very sick people.
I know just how badly it hurts and how angry it makes you to love people with addictions. I myself made some pretty bad decisions when I was drowning in my own codependence. I had to learn to detach. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't pain free, but it was necessary for me to get my own head on straight and start living a happier life. I had to focus on being the best me I could be and not concern myself with things and people I could not control. It was not an easy lesson, having been raised in a generations long line of alcoholic/codependent family dynamics. I am hoping I broke that cycle and that my own young adult children will make wiser choices.
You already know you can't "fix" them. My suggestion would be to further educate yourself about addiction/codependence and to seek face to face support with other people who have survived and thrived despite loving people who choose to self destruct.
Take care, we know exactly how you are feeling and how much it sucks.
Hugs
I have spent almost my entire life surrounded by people with addiction issues. My dad and his family were all big drinkers, most died of complications related to their consumptions. My exhusband and several members of his family are alcoholics. Many of my (now estranged) friends abused alcohol and a few had drug problems. My brother has mental health issues he exacerbates with illegal drugs... my mother is a RAGING codependent....it is a long miserable list of very sick people.
I know just how badly it hurts and how angry it makes you to love people with addictions. I myself made some pretty bad decisions when I was drowning in my own codependence. I had to learn to detach. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't pain free, but it was necessary for me to get my own head on straight and start living a happier life. I had to focus on being the best me I could be and not concern myself with things and people I could not control. It was not an easy lesson, having been raised in a generations long line of alcoholic/codependent family dynamics. I am hoping I broke that cycle and that my own young adult children will make wiser choices.
You already know you can't "fix" them. My suggestion would be to further educate yourself about addiction/codependence and to seek face to face support with other people who have survived and thrived despite loving people who choose to self destruct.
Take care, we know exactly how you are feeling and how much it sucks.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think its good you shared, opened up and released all of those thoughts you have been holding onto. That is the beginning of your own recovery, sharing in a place you feel safe to share in. Addiction sucks!
I hear in your share how personal you are taking their actions; I remember feeling that way to. I have learned that they are NOT drugging AT YOU or BECAUSE of YOU or to purposely HURT YOU, they do what they do because they are addicts. They have a disease that prevents them from thinking about how their actions affect the loved ones around them. Addiction is a very selfish disease.
I think it would benefit you to learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors. It might not hurt to go talk with a counselor to help you work through all of these roller coaster emotions bottled up inside. There is also nar-anon and al-anon for friends and family of addicts/alcoholics that offer face-to-face support with other going through similar with their own loved ones.
I hear in your share how personal you are taking their actions; I remember feeling that way to. I have learned that they are NOT drugging AT YOU or BECAUSE of YOU or to purposely HURT YOU, they do what they do because they are addicts. They have a disease that prevents them from thinking about how their actions affect the loved ones around them. Addiction is a very selfish disease.
I think it would benefit you to learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behaviors. It might not hurt to go talk with a counselor to help you work through all of these roller coaster emotions bottled up inside. There is also nar-anon and al-anon for friends and family of addicts/alcoholics that offer face-to-face support with other going through similar with their own loved ones.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
