Treating the recovering addict differently when returning home?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Treating the recovering addict differently when returning home?
Hi all,
This is a new area for me... found out my wife (just recently married) was abusing pills and street drugs for the past year+ and it was getting progressively worse. We have her in a rehab facility and she is working to get sober.. doing very well at it in fact so I am proud of her for wanting to get sober.
She has only been in rehab one week and will be there at least for a few more before doing out-patient treatment, but one thing she stated that has bothered me is that she worries that when she comes back to the house (which she is welcome to as long as she follows the boundaries being set) she worries about being treated "less than" or as a "second class citizen" because of her disease.
I have say that I do believe she will feel that way because of what she has done, lying, betrayal, deception, stealing, etc... you all know, the usual stuff... will result in the boundaries being such that she is not trusted and treated equally (curfews, limited access to money, limited phone access, etc).
What do others have to say about her being "less than" or "second class citizen" argument? Is it just another excuse?
This is a new area for me... found out my wife (just recently married) was abusing pills and street drugs for the past year+ and it was getting progressively worse. We have her in a rehab facility and she is working to get sober.. doing very well at it in fact so I am proud of her for wanting to get sober.
She has only been in rehab one week and will be there at least for a few more before doing out-patient treatment, but one thing she stated that has bothered me is that she worries that when she comes back to the house (which she is welcome to as long as she follows the boundaries being set) she worries about being treated "less than" or as a "second class citizen" because of her disease.
I have say that I do believe she will feel that way because of what she has done, lying, betrayal, deception, stealing, etc... you all know, the usual stuff... will result in the boundaries being such that she is not trusted and treated equally (curfews, limited access to money, limited phone access, etc).
What do others have to say about her being "less than" or "second class citizen" argument? Is it just another excuse?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say if she is in true recovery she will understand that it will take a while to earn back the trust of others she has hurt, and to prove herself. Not only to you and others, but to herself as well. I would assure her that while boundaries are a good thing, at no point will she be viewed as a second class citizen.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have say that I do believe she will feel that way because of what she has done, lying, betrayal, deception, stealing, etc... you all know, the usual stuff... will result in the boundaries being such that she is not trusted and treated equally (curfews, limited access to money, limited phone access, etc).
Rehab isn't a cure, recovery takes time and her actions will show you more than anything else, how well she is doing.
It's not up to you to rate her recovery, but taking care of yourself may mean keeping control of all things financial, including paying bills to make sure that they are indeed paid.
Good luck to both of you. It sounds like there is a lot of healing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Ann,
From a financial standpoint, there will never be trust enough to let her manage family finances or to even have joint finances... relapse is a reality and as such her access to family money/assets would be devistating to all. That was already proven by what she did to her own child's savings account.
As for her money, when she first let me know she was having issues with the drugs (I was not well enough versed to understand how the addiction spirals so quickly; but she also made me believe the addiction was not as raging as it truly was) we put her money in a separate account with access limited to me. It was pretty helpful in limiting the financial damage she was able to do, but there is still plenty and she is penniless now, and heavily in debt, due to rehab bills and other bills that have gone late. Those bills are hers to pay, and she will have to find a way to pay them off. I enabled her to be irresponsible by making sure everything was paid on time, but that is not how it will be going forward... it will be tough love, but those are the consequences of the actions.
Thank you for the well wishes.
T
From a financial standpoint, there will never be trust enough to let her manage family finances or to even have joint finances... relapse is a reality and as such her access to family money/assets would be devistating to all. That was already proven by what she did to her own child's savings account.
As for her money, when she first let me know she was having issues with the drugs (I was not well enough versed to understand how the addiction spirals so quickly; but she also made me believe the addiction was not as raging as it truly was) we put her money in a separate account with access limited to me. It was pretty helpful in limiting the financial damage she was able to do, but there is still plenty and she is penniless now, and heavily in debt, due to rehab bills and other bills that have gone late. Those bills are hers to pay, and she will have to find a way to pay them off. I enabled her to be irresponsible by making sure everything was paid on time, but that is not how it will be going forward... it will be tough love, but those are the consequences of the actions.
Thank you for the well wishes.
T
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Never is a long time.
It sounds like you are carrying a LOT of resentment towards her. Understandable. But with this level of trust, are you sure you want to remain in this marriage?
I'd like to say it wasn't her that did the damage that she did, it was her addiction. However, you said "recently married." Perhaps that's part of her personality as well.
All of the curfews and limited phone access isn't going to do diddly anyway if she's not truly committed to recovery. Not just saying she is. She either wants it and is working it or she isn't.
People can't be regulated into long term recovery. In the short term in an inpatient rehab situation, limited access to communication helps keep people away from drugs and lets them concentrate on their recovery. She's going to have to learn to live a sober life on the outside.
It sounds like you are carrying a LOT of resentment towards her. Understandable. But with this level of trust, are you sure you want to remain in this marriage?
I'd like to say it wasn't her that did the damage that she did, it was her addiction. However, you said "recently married." Perhaps that's part of her personality as well.
All of the curfews and limited phone access isn't going to do diddly anyway if she's not truly committed to recovery. Not just saying she is. She either wants it and is working it or she isn't.
People can't be regulated into long term recovery. In the short term in an inpatient rehab situation, limited access to communication helps keep people away from drugs and lets them concentrate on their recovery. She's going to have to learn to live a sober life on the outside.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I agree with those who said she will have to work to regain trust. I don't know your wife, so please don't take what I'm going to say personally. I see things through my own lens, and my experience of being married to an addict did not go well. My ex was VERY manipulative, so when I read what you said as her being concerned she'd be treated differently, I thought that sounded like something my ex would say in order to not have to do the hard work of regaining trust. He'd want things to go right back to where they were so he could have total access to money. The perfect way to do that? Shame me for shaming him. Make me feel guilty for even considering that this time wasn't completely different from all the others. He did this time and time again. He'd completely betray my trust and destroy our agreed-upon boundaries, then make me feel terrible for not trusting him immediately after.
Again, this is just me seeing things through my experience. It's possible that she really is feeling terrible about how she's let you all down, and she's ready to change. Either way, I urge you to keep your safeguards up.
Again, this is just me seeing things through my experience. It's possible that she really is feeling terrible about how she's let you all down, and she's ready to change. Either way, I urge you to keep your safeguards up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Spence7471 
I have say that I do believe she will feel that way because of what she has done, lying, betrayal, deception, stealing, etc... you all know, the usual stuff... will result in the boundaries being such that she is not trusted and treated equally (curfews, limited access to money, limited phone access, etc).
What do others have to say about her being "less than" or "second class citizen" argument? Is it just another excuse?
What do others have to say about her being "less than" or "second class citizen" argument? Is it just another excuse?
That said, are these boundaries for you or punishments for her?
For instance a curfew? She's a grown adult, why would she have a curfew? Limited phone access? Again, she is an adult person.
This seems very controlling in my opinion. I don't know your history but you have probably been put through the wringer and you obviously have resentment, but as has been said, if she is truly working on recovery you will see it.
Sounds more like a rehab or prison than "home". How does that make either of your lives happier?
It is treating her as "less than" - that's pretty clear.
Loving Sobriety
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 69
It sounds as of your very afraid and I understand that; resentful too. I lived with a AH for years so I understand . But this sounds very punative. Cerfews? Are you punishing her? Trying to conttol her? Protect yourself, yes but there is no way I would ever allow myself to be treated this way in my own home. You sound like a parent disciplining a child. Boundaries are great. But this would be a terrible way to live for both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Interesting take from everybody, so thank you all for your comments/suggestions.
Just to be clear, the boundaries (i.e. curfew, cell phone, etc) are not for controlling her, but rather defining very specific limits to what i will tolerate because of her past behavior. I am at my last straw with the marriage, and prepared to file for an annulment due to her drug addiction, so these boundaries are for me to let her know what will not be tolerated. She can agree to them or not, that is her choice, she is her own individual. She can break them or not... again, that is her choice. But if she breaks them, then we are done.
You are all correct that there has been much damage done by her addiction, and call it whatever you want, her actions are hers and whether the addiction made her do them or not is irrelevant... she did them, not the addiction.
And thank you to those that commented on treating her "less than". I appreciate it as that is what I am trying to figure out. However, her coming out of rehab is no different than someone coming out of prison... you would not necessarily just hand them the keys to your house, care of your children, your bank numbers, etc... we set boundaries and they must prove they are trustworthy to gain more trust. So yes, in my opinion, they are "less than" initially until the trust can be rebuilt. This is my biggest concern, that someone who has wronged in so many ways thinks they should just be welcomed back as a regular family member right away and treated equally. To me that shows no remorse or recognition of their wrongs. Be in mind, that she will be shown the respect that any human deserves... not disrespected, not put down, and not made to relive her wrongs. I am just out to protect me and my family... she put herself first.. so it is time I do that for me and my family.
Sorry for the ramble. And thank you all for the input and advice. I look forward to more on this.
T
Just to be clear, the boundaries (i.e. curfew, cell phone, etc) are not for controlling her, but rather defining very specific limits to what i will tolerate because of her past behavior. I am at my last straw with the marriage, and prepared to file for an annulment due to her drug addiction, so these boundaries are for me to let her know what will not be tolerated. She can agree to them or not, that is her choice, she is her own individual. She can break them or not... again, that is her choice. But if she breaks them, then we are done.
You are all correct that there has been much damage done by her addiction, and call it whatever you want, her actions are hers and whether the addiction made her do them or not is irrelevant... she did them, not the addiction.
And thank you to those that commented on treating her "less than". I appreciate it as that is what I am trying to figure out. However, her coming out of rehab is no different than someone coming out of prison... you would not necessarily just hand them the keys to your house, care of your children, your bank numbers, etc... we set boundaries and they must prove they are trustworthy to gain more trust. So yes, in my opinion, they are "less than" initially until the trust can be rebuilt. This is my biggest concern, that someone who has wronged in so many ways thinks they should just be welcomed back as a regular family member right away and treated equally. To me that shows no remorse or recognition of their wrongs. Be in mind, that she will be shown the respect that any human deserves... not disrespected, not put down, and not made to relive her wrongs. I am just out to protect me and my family... she put herself first.. so it is time I do that for me and my family.
Sorry for the ramble. And thank you all for the input and advice. I look forward to more on this.
T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
She has only been in rehab one week and will be there at least for a few more before doing out-patient treatment, but one thing she stated that has bothered me is that she worries that when she comes back to the house (which she is welcome to as long as she follows the boundaries being set) she worries about being treated "less than" or as a "second class citizen" because of her disease.
I think your setting boundaries for yourself and not rules for her to follow is very good.
My experience with my ex in early recovery was he would say similar things, tell me that the support he needed from me was to trust him and that he would show me that I could. What that really ended up meaning was – I really want to get back to my drugs so I will play along with this rehab/recovery stuff to get everyone off my back. He was using again while attending out-patient and when I enforced my boundaries I was then accused of being mean and not supporting him in his recovery!!
Learning to trust again is near impossible because WE do know when they are using or when they are lying. The hardest part of all is learning to decipher the manipulation and gas lighting and keep ourselves sane.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Spence7471
And thank you to those that commented on treating her "less than". I appreciate it as that is what I am trying to figure out. However, her coming out of rehab is no different than someone coming out of prison... you would not necessarily just hand them the keys to your house, care of your children, your bank numbers, etc... we set boundaries and they must prove they are trustworthy to gain more trust. So yes, in my opinion, they are "less than" initially until the trust can be rebuilt. This is my biggest concern, that someone who has wronged in so many ways thinks they should just be welcomed back as a regular family member right away and treated equally. To me that shows no remorse or recognition of their wrongs. Be in mind, that she will be shown the respect that any human deserves... not disrespected, not put down, and not made to relive her wrongs. I am just out to protect me and my family... she put herself first.. so it is time I do that for me and my family.
Sorry for the ramble. And thank you all for the input and advice. I look forward to more on this.
T
Childcare, finances - those are not things I was referring to, those are things that need to be approached on a situational basis.
The restriction of personal freedoms. Phones, going out the door, without fear of retribution - those are the ones I would be questioning.
If your trust in her is zero (which it appears to be) why exactly is she coming right back "home" and not to a sober house or possibly her own place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Trailmix,
The personal freedoms are always infringed on by boundaries... for example... zero tolerance on drug and alcohol... that is a freedom restriction. If someone was using their phone to arrange for the drugs, view porn, etc... then placing restrictions on that is not unreasonable. It is up to the person whose freedoms that it will infringe to decide if they can live with that.
Once we sit down to discuss the boundaries, then that will determine if she comes home or goes elsewhere. We have not gotten to the boundary discussion yet in family therapy. There was another issue that we needed to resolve first.. and I got my closure thru it, but she got pissed off and resentful. Since I got my closure, I am less angry and more willing at the moment. She got the other way.
Also, as she still has several weeks at the rehab facility, she can start rebuilding trust thru her actions also. The closure I got today was a start at rebuilding some trust... it was a very difficult topic for her.
The personal freedoms are always infringed on by boundaries... for example... zero tolerance on drug and alcohol... that is a freedom restriction. If someone was using their phone to arrange for the drugs, view porn, etc... then placing restrictions on that is not unreasonable. It is up to the person whose freedoms that it will infringe to decide if they can live with that.
Once we sit down to discuss the boundaries, then that will determine if she comes home or goes elsewhere. We have not gotten to the boundary discussion yet in family therapy. There was another issue that we needed to resolve first.. and I got my closure thru it, but she got pissed off and resentful. Since I got my closure, I am less angry and more willing at the moment. She got the other way.
Also, as she still has several weeks at the rehab facility, she can start rebuilding trust thru her actions also. The closure I got today was a start at rebuilding some trust... it was a very difficult topic for her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Trailmix,
Feeling "less than" can be a direct effect of the boundaries placed upon them. That is what I worry about. She has very low self-esteme, which is part of the reason she uses. So while i want her to realize the boundaries are there for me, it is important that she does not feel "less than" because of it, even tho, truth be told, she is being treated differently than the rest of the family.
Always appreciate the advice and opinions. Thank you all!
Feeling "less than" can be a direct effect of the boundaries placed upon them. That is what I worry about. She has very low self-esteme, which is part of the reason she uses. So while i want her to realize the boundaries are there for me, it is important that she does not feel "less than" because of it, even tho, truth be told, she is being treated differently than the rest of the family.
Always appreciate the advice and opinions. Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
boundaries are a real thing.........for GROWN UPS.
speed limits are a boundary.
not throwing trash out your car window is a boundary.
paying bills is a boundary.
having boundaries is not a special penance placed upon the addict.....it's not like community service....or prison time. boundaries are the assumption of normal, expected behaviors of everyone. anyone you would invite into your home....you will not be a staggering raging drunk...you will not pee in my laundry basket....you will not throw things, break things...you will not insult me or my children.....you will not call me names, threaten my safety.
but boundaries also say.....if you violate my boundaries, I WILL......leave the room, leave the residence, call the police, refuse to allow yo to further abuse me, end the relationship. boundaries always are about what WE are willing to do to enforce our own perimeter.
speed limits are a boundary.
not throwing trash out your car window is a boundary.
paying bills is a boundary.
having boundaries is not a special penance placed upon the addict.....it's not like community service....or prison time. boundaries are the assumption of normal, expected behaviors of everyone. anyone you would invite into your home....you will not be a staggering raging drunk...you will not pee in my laundry basket....you will not throw things, break things...you will not insult me or my children.....you will not call me names, threaten my safety.
but boundaries also say.....if you violate my boundaries, I WILL......leave the room, leave the residence, call the police, refuse to allow yo to further abuse me, end the relationship. boundaries always are about what WE are willing to do to enforce our own perimeter.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
boundaries are a real thing.........for GROWN UPS.
speed limits are a boundary.
not throwing trash out your car window is a boundary.
paying bills is a boundary.
having boundaries is not a special penance placed upon the addict.....it's not like community service....or prison time. boundaries are the assumption of normal, expected behaviors of everyone. anyone you would invite into your home....you will not be a staggering raging drunk...you will not pee in my laundry basket....you will not throw things, break things...you will not insult me or my children.....you will not call me names, threaten my safety.
but boundaries also say.....if you violate my boundaries, I WILL......leave the room, leave the residence, call the police, refuse to allow yo to further abuse me, end the relationship. boundaries always are about what WE are willing to do to enforce our own perimeter.
speed limits are a boundary.
not throwing trash out your car window is a boundary.
paying bills is a boundary.
having boundaries is not a special penance placed upon the addict.....it's not like community service....or prison time. boundaries are the assumption of normal, expected behaviors of everyone. anyone you would invite into your home....you will not be a staggering raging drunk...you will not pee in my laundry basket....you will not throw things, break things...you will not insult me or my children.....you will not call me names, threaten my safety.
but boundaries also say.....if you violate my boundaries, I WILL......leave the room, leave the residence, call the police, refuse to allow yo to further abuse me, end the relationship. boundaries always are about what WE are willing to do to enforce our own perimeter.
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