Ophira

I was engaged to a man and within the past year he completely changed - staying up late at night, spending lots of alone time in the bathroom, I would catch him in lies, he would become mean and hurtful and lack emotions he once had. Before the holidays I caught him concealing what I believe to have been cocaine (as he used years ago and had told me he was now clean) when I happened upon him accessing it he jumped and wouldn’t let me near to see it. A few minutes later the story became that it was crushed up generic drugstore pills he had hidden out of embarrassment that he felt when taking would “help him sleep” the conversation about it became heated and I left. He was cruel and dificult afterwards and wanted me out of our living situation. I then acthally left in quite a rush. We began talking once again, he was apologetic. Then he turned on me and I blocked him. He showed up where he knew I was staying once again deeply apologetic. Still refusing to admit he was using cocaine. Did admit to pill popping though and confirmed that he wanted to change his life. Signed up for addictions counselling which begins today. A part of me wants to think I will eventually believe and trust him - but right now I just don’t know if that’s humanly possible. I need advice on what My options are at this point...I want to support him but I know I cannot help him do this. I also need to focus on myself. Is cutting contact down significantly a good idea? I have never been in this situation before and find it difficult.

Spence7471

O,

I am in a similar situation with my wife.. we have only been married a couple of months and turns out she had been using progressively for the past year or so.

When I found the evidence, we wrote a contract to outline what was acceptable. She signed it. It did was a short term fix till her employment situation changed, but then she was willing to do rehab. During that short term fix, she broke the contract, so I kicked her out.

She is now in rehab, and I am supportive of her efforts as she is truly making an effort to get sober. This is not her first rodeo tho, so relapse is likely again in the future.

For you, you need to decide what you want from him in the future... and by that i mean relationship wise. Once you have made that decision, it is either to be supportive of his effort or cut him loose. I am prepared to cut my wife loose if she is not making a valid effort... and for her, that will mean working the program and being honest about everything. Not sure your guy is there yet about being willing... guess it depends on what treatment program he is going after and how serious he is about it.

Hopefully you can see he is truly making an effort and not just doing a dog and pony show. He is the one that has to want to make the change... if he does not, then there is nothing you can say or do that will make him change. When I kicked my wife out, she took off for 2 days for that last hurrah before we could convince her to get help.

Best wishes.

T

Ophira

Thanks so much, this was very helpful advice.

Ann

I would postpone any wedding plans until you see how this unfolds over the next year.

You know what you know, trust that and take care of yourself. His actions will speak louder, and more truthfully, than his words.

You were wise to put some distance between you.

Maudcat

Hi, Ophira.
Welcome.
Agree that you should probably hold off on the wedding til you see how things go.
Good thoughts.

atalose

How long were you with him prior to this past year of him changing? I think stepping back – way back and allowing him to either find recovery or you accept he’s not going to before any kind of trust or relationship building could occur.

What it really means most of the time when they say they NEED your support is…….they are buying time, manipulating you so that nothing good or bad in their lives changes at the moment including using drugs. They just learn to hide it better.

Words are just words – actions – real actions and for a long duration are everything.