MIML

I’m looking for support. How do you NOT take your SO disappearingnacts to use and drink personally? He swears it’s not me. He swears he doesn’t want to use. But here I am. Alone. Again. No notice, no text back, just gone.

Maudcat

Hi, MIML.
Welcome. Lots of support here.

Xittam11

I unfortunately had no idea that my SO was disappearing to chase his drug of choice at first. But once i did and realized what was going on I developed ananger because not only was he skipping on me he was skipping on the kids. I can deal with being alone but my at the time 8 year old didn't' understand (missed baseball games birthday parties). I wish i could tell you it got better for me but I'm currently going through divorce i was sick of waiting on him to choose to get better and to choose me and the kids.. it never came. I wish you luck but i really love this group its helped my sanity i dont' feel like a crazy person as much.

MIML

Thanks everyone. It’s hard because I don’t know if it’s just he’s unhappy with me or not. He swears it’s him and he has the problem that it’s not me. Hard to accept that. I’ve told him time and time it’s not fair to me and I can’t live this way. He swears it won’t happen again. This last time (when I posted) he swore never again. But it happens weekly now, so every day I think is today the day he ditches me again and I’m left waiting on dinner plans or whatever we have planned. I hate living this way, but he’s such a amazing person when he’s not gone. He accepted my kid as his own basically, they are SO close and he treats me like a queen- literally- when he’s here. I just need to know it’s not me and that not every addict is a cheater. My ex (sons father) cheated habitually. I can’t handle that again

SparkleKitty

MIML, the person he is unhappy with is himself. There is no person or relationship that will ever be able to fill that void for him.

Look for the threads from OT4Kids if you want an idea what the untreated progression of this behavior is.

violette8

you're lucky.. my spouse blames me for everything he does.. every reaction he has... every time he is abusive.. it's always my fault. perhaps because your SO recognizes that these are his own issues, he will take the step to change... having a scapegoat makes it so much harder for someone to recognize that the power is within their grasp. in any case.. no.. it is not your fault..

keep in mind the 3 Cs:
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it

focus on what you need to do to not have his destructive behavior continue to cause you pain

atalose

What we allow is what we promote!!

What are your boundaries? What are your plans to enforce those boundaries?

zoso77

Well, his drinking has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Someone in active alcoholism doesn't consider what their drinking or disappearing to go drinking does to other people. The priority is to drink, often until they're completely blinkered.

If you spend enough time here, you'll see that it's not just significant others that have to contend with this. It's parents. It's siblings. It's friends. And the most difficult thing to do is to accept you're powerless. You can't make them stop. You can only focus on you and take care of you.

Are you ready to do that?

OT4Kids

Sparklekitty is right...i have been through this for years and have lost just about everything because of it. Let him go. I am sorry to say that it only gets worse. It isn't you, it is the addiction. But it doesn't even matter what it is. You can't reason with addiction. Save yourself. Let him go. It is so abusive to disappear. My "ex" fiancee started disappearing more and more about a year ago. It ended up being weekly. He would call or text me and say he was on his way home and then never show up, turn off his phone, and disappear for days.

I have done EVERYTHING for him. It is never enough. Recently he stole almost all of my money. I am still dealing with the aftermath and trying to decide if I should press charges. I can't sleep.

So listen to the wisdom here. Leave him. Save yourself before things get worse.