Weeks after breakup from xabf .. how can we let go of these toxic relationships?
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Weeks after breakup from xabf .. how can we let go of these toxic relationships?
Hi everyone,
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
Have any of you dealt with this?
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
Have any of you dealt with this?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
When I break up with someone I have to have a period of no contact. It may be a few months or it may be forever. I have to completely detach from them in my mind and talking to him aborts that process. That may be something that can help you.
Three weeks is right in that acute pain part. It gets better, but it takes time.
Three weeks is right in that acute pain part. It gets better, but it takes time.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Keep working with your therapist, and allow yourself time and space to grieve the end of the relationship.
You have had an important enlightenment.
You know this relationship is not good for you.
Time and distance will bring clarity.
I would go no contact for a while, while I worked on healing.
Hugs.
You have had an important enlightenment.
You know this relationship is not good for you.
Time and distance will bring clarity.
I would go no contact for a while, while I worked on healing.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Have any of you dealt with this?
That was enough for me. Closed the door, locked it, threw away the key, and moved on.
The part that hurt was not the end of the relationship but the betrayal. But that only stung for a few weeks. Once I recognized I was doing better without her in the picture, I got back to enjoying life.
You can heal. It may not be all the way, but you'll heal, and then you'll be fine. Trust me on this.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 35
[QUOTE=Lostbirdie;6697299]Hi everyone,
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
My god I feel your pain. My coke addict ex boyfriend of 7 years just left me to be with another woman who uses cocaine too. Devastated does not come close.
I was having dreams about him too, he was constantly in my mind and I mean, constantly. He built my hopes up saying he wanted to get back together then dropped me like a hot potato for her and coke even though I was willing to hear him out and give him a chance.
The only thing and I mean the only thing that will allow you to heal is to cut contact with this person completely. You need to heal. He is tormenting you, probably intentionally. I've found cocaine users to be borderline if not full on narcissistic. Honestly. Do not answer the phone to him, reply to texts, don't read over old texts.. nothing. Certainly no social media either. It's the only way. Once you do this, you'll take off your rose tinted glasses and see the situation for exactly what it is.
Please believe me when I say these past few weeks have been hell on earth for me. I nearly checked myself into a psyche ward I was contemplating suicide. Please please for your own mental health and emotional wellbeing, let it go.
Sending you lots of well wishes. Good luck.
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
My god I feel your pain. My coke addict ex boyfriend of 7 years just left me to be with another woman who uses cocaine too. Devastated does not come close.
I was having dreams about him too, he was constantly in my mind and I mean, constantly. He built my hopes up saying he wanted to get back together then dropped me like a hot potato for her and coke even though I was willing to hear him out and give him a chance.
The only thing and I mean the only thing that will allow you to heal is to cut contact with this person completely. You need to heal. He is tormenting you, probably intentionally. I've found cocaine users to be borderline if not full on narcissistic. Honestly. Do not answer the phone to him, reply to texts, don't read over old texts.. nothing. Certainly no social media either. It's the only way. Once you do this, you'll take off your rose tinted glasses and see the situation for exactly what it is.
Please believe me when I say these past few weeks have been hell on earth for me. I nearly checked myself into a psyche ward I was contemplating suicide. Please please for your own mental health and emotional wellbeing, let it go.
Sending you lots of well wishes. Good luck.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Lostbirdie 
Hi everyone,
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
Have any of you dealt with this?
I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my situation with my cocaine abusing ex (feel free to look at my first post, although it’s a long read!)
A little update on my overall mental and physical health: 12lbs down in 3 weeks. Still no appetite/feeling sick to my stomach at times, difficulty focusing on work, and no matter what i do to get out of the house spending time with friends and family to distract myself, he’s ALWAYS running in the back of my mind. The worst is that ive been having dreams of him every single night, and it just sets such a negative tone for the rest of the day. Ive started seeing a pschologist, and although it helps temporarily, i usually feel a down a few hours later.
He called me last night, right before my psych appointment. To tell me that his sister gave birth and that he was enrolling in the army. Says that it would give him more sense of discipline and a chance to work on himself. He also told me that he has been reconnecting with old friends, which makes him happy, hasnt touched cocaine since his stint in october, and that he has had no desire to go near it. He also said he’ll have some low moods here and there that he’ll either think of me or his dad who passed away around this time last year. Followed that up with asking if i was dating anyone, i said no, him either, but that if he wants to have “fun” then he will (I REALLY didnt want to know about that).
I had some mixed feelings, not gonna lie. I was happy that he called to tell me the news, as unexpected as it sounds. At first i overanalysed it as maybe a possible reconciliation, but then i remembered that he is usually pretty amicable with his exes.
Anyway, long story aside, i have a question for anyone who has been through what im going through now (either from an addicts point of view, or someone who has been in my shoes), how do you let go of a toxic relationship that you know isnt right for you to begin with? So many red flags, yet we choose to still want to be with this person deep down. How can you deal with the fact that although you have been released from this viscious circle of lies and manipulation, why do we feel worst off and more broken than the actual recovering addict who now has such a positive outlook on life and is “happy” now?
What is it that is making me feel so incredibly depressed and sick even though i KNOW its not the life i want to live in?
Im just a mess.. my psych tells me i should grieve as long as i have to, but im incredibly impatient because this pain is unbareable, both mentally and physically and i literally cannot stand this any more.
Have any of you dealt with this?
I beloved all this crap and let him in every time he reappeard and thought he was the love of my life just a victim of circumstance and low self esteem that kept him with his nasty ex who brought him down and turned him to drugs.
I felt like you , pain every time he called and glad too. My life was constantly thinking of him and never able to move on and no one I ever dated since matched up to the connection we had etc.
Well fast forward a few years of this and his ex moved on to a new man so surprise surprise he wanted me. Of course I jumped at the chance knowing somewhere deep deep down I was going to crash. But I had to get it out my system right? He went on suboxone came off heroin and it was all dandy for
6 months. We moved in together by then and the relapses and stealing and arrests and dissapearing started and continued. I was so so so in love with him I couldn't leave. And then I got pregnant and it got worse and worse and every lie I uncovered the more I grew to hate his guts. The more I woke up from my sick fantasy and ideals I had about this person. He was an addict in full blown progressive addiction. Not the person I thought I knew, that was a mask that slipped as soon as he felt comfy. I had my baby and moved out and can barely stand the sight of him now and feel an absolute idiot wasting all those tears, years, pain and pining away for an imaginary version of this person. I could slap myself silly. If I have any advice for you it is run for the hills. Block his number as never look back. Addicts are sick people who use everyone around them for their own selfish needs and could care less about yours. If I relised this at the off I could have saved myself from the rotten world of drugs
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
no new contact = no new hurts
as long as you are still picking up the phone when he calls and listening to his updates about his life, you remain attached TO him. so you cannot LET GO.
as long as you are still picking up the phone when he calls and listening to his updates about his life, you remain attached TO him. so you cannot LET GO.
My approach to solve it was to invite him back in to my life, that lasted a few weeks and was a disaster. Not dramatic, just a disaster as he decided to remove his mask (he wasn't an addict but he is a narcissist).
I kept talking to him, we could be friends right? NO. After a few weeks of that I realized:
1. That he was a narcissist
2. That I was actually speaking to someone that I did not trust at all who could actually hurt me.
I found when I talked to him I was actually anxious, he could say anything at anytime and wound me. WTH!! Self-protection went in to full force at that point and I sent him a simple email saying I wasn't disappearing but I thought we shouldn't talk for a while. I deleted him off facebook immediately and blocked him there too (i'm not a big social media person, I use it to play games and talk to my family only, but I had him as a friend and could see him online etc - very counter-productive).
One day at a time. There was a huge gap where we used to communicate regularly. I told myself I could talk to him anytime I wanted to because of course, in theory, I could.
I found after a couple of weeks that was dissipating, I joined Meetup and signed up for a few groups, went alone! to get togethers just for some drinks and to listen to bands and talk to strangers : )
I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years now. I miss him not one little bit, don't care if I never see him again.
You'll get there.
My Sister was a huge support for me, it sounds like you need more support, Have you considered Al-Anon or other support groups?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I wanted to add that it took time. My post makes it sound like we parted ways, stopped talking, I went out and had fun and it was all good.
The timeline was more like 8 months. We broke up-ish, he moved back about a month and a half later, we broke up about 2 months later. Continued to talk for 2 months after that.
I then actually sought help.
The other crazy thing is that we broke up because I was unwilling to move forward in the relationship. From the time we met I KNEW there was something off there but I could never put my finger on it. At times he was verbally abusive, where he would be screaming at me on the phone and I was a wreck. In person he was adoring, most of the time. Jekyll and Hyde.
His asking you if you were dating anyone then his follow up was pure unadulterated manipulation. He was trying to make you feel bad. What a jerk. Maybe he keeps in contact with his exes for that reason, nice little ego boost.
Also, Mr. joining the army for discipline, may have some fun, is a completely reformed addict etc. Is that all true? I'm guessing not but it is also guaranteed to make you second guess yourself. While you may not have been the one to actually "break-up" in a way you are. You were having mixed feelings etc, which i'm sure he picked up on.
The timeline was more like 8 months. We broke up-ish, he moved back about a month and a half later, we broke up about 2 months later. Continued to talk for 2 months after that.
I then actually sought help.
The other crazy thing is that we broke up because I was unwilling to move forward in the relationship. From the time we met I KNEW there was something off there but I could never put my finger on it. At times he was verbally abusive, where he would be screaming at me on the phone and I was a wreck. In person he was adoring, most of the time. Jekyll and Hyde.
His asking you if you were dating anyone then his follow up was pure unadulterated manipulation. He was trying to make you feel bad. What a jerk. Maybe he keeps in contact with his exes for that reason, nice little ego boost.
Also, Mr. joining the army for discipline, may have some fun, is a completely reformed addict etc. Is that all true? I'm guessing not but it is also guaranteed to make you second guess yourself. While you may not have been the one to actually "break-up" in a way you are. You were having mixed feelings etc, which i'm sure he picked up on.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 6
Hey there,
I am currently going through the same situation as you (similar) but with my ex being addicted to meth. I'm 21 years old and still extremely young but me and my addict ex stopped communication a week and a half ago and honestly we have been distant for about a month now. I'm not gonna lie to you, this has been the biggest test of my life and coming from being an old meth addict as well, my ex and our toxic relationship was the hardest drug to quit over everything. The thing I noticed is that you never really get closure...you know the relationship is over and you try your hardest to get that through your head but there is never a specific moment that you both sat down and ended things together. You always have that thought in the back of your head of "what if when he gets sober, we can go back to the way things used to be?" or "maybe we're not actually done and I can somehow help him get through it?". But thinking those things is a waste of time and I recently in the past few days had to come to terms with that. After I stopped using and he stuck with it, I constantly stayed awake in the night and during the day worrying like crazy if my ex was okay or where he was and what he could be possibly doing. I was scared he would end up in jail (which he recently did) or hurt somewhere or possibly OD and since he was addicted to speed and needles, the paranoia made him hate me so I had no way of contacting him when I was blocked on everything. I've been currently been trying to move on with my life and start rebuilding my friendships and start talking to new men but I feel as though one day my ex will come to me sober and we can make things work. But in reality, that possibility is slim. I know it sounds dumb, but the best thing you can do, is distract your mind and distract your thoughts. Hold on to all the bad things he has done to you and anytime you start thinking about the good times, remember the "but's". For example, I'll say "I remember when we went camping that one time and spent the whole day together laughing and sober and he told me that night how much he appreciates me....BUT I remember the night at the gas station when he was tweaked out of his mind and clocked me in the face after I was made for him not wanting to sober up. Hold on to the bad things he's done, not forever, but just long enough that any good thought of him won't leave you running back up to his door step asking to stay together. Honestly, that's the only thing that has kept myself from driving to where he's at and saving his butt for him to just use me and break my heart again for the hundredth time. I hope my advice and experience helps...don't let him run your life and your heart anymore. You have to treat a toxic relationship as if it were a hard drug and deal with the comedown, only to realize one day how much easier life is without that drug (him). Best of luck to you!!!
I am currently going through the same situation as you (similar) but with my ex being addicted to meth. I'm 21 years old and still extremely young but me and my addict ex stopped communication a week and a half ago and honestly we have been distant for about a month now. I'm not gonna lie to you, this has been the biggest test of my life and coming from being an old meth addict as well, my ex and our toxic relationship was the hardest drug to quit over everything. The thing I noticed is that you never really get closure...you know the relationship is over and you try your hardest to get that through your head but there is never a specific moment that you both sat down and ended things together. You always have that thought in the back of your head of "what if when he gets sober, we can go back to the way things used to be?" or "maybe we're not actually done and I can somehow help him get through it?". But thinking those things is a waste of time and I recently in the past few days had to come to terms with that. After I stopped using and he stuck with it, I constantly stayed awake in the night and during the day worrying like crazy if my ex was okay or where he was and what he could be possibly doing. I was scared he would end up in jail (which he recently did) or hurt somewhere or possibly OD and since he was addicted to speed and needles, the paranoia made him hate me so I had no way of contacting him when I was blocked on everything. I've been currently been trying to move on with my life and start rebuilding my friendships and start talking to new men but I feel as though one day my ex will come to me sober and we can make things work. But in reality, that possibility is slim. I know it sounds dumb, but the best thing you can do, is distract your mind and distract your thoughts. Hold on to all the bad things he has done to you and anytime you start thinking about the good times, remember the "but's". For example, I'll say "I remember when we went camping that one time and spent the whole day together laughing and sober and he told me that night how much he appreciates me....BUT I remember the night at the gas station when he was tweaked out of his mind and clocked me in the face after I was made for him not wanting to sober up. Hold on to the bad things he's done, not forever, but just long enough that any good thought of him won't leave you running back up to his door step asking to stay together. Honestly, that's the only thing that has kept myself from driving to where he's at and saving his butt for him to just use me and break my heart again for the hundredth time. I hope my advice and experience helps...don't let him run your life and your heart anymore. You have to treat a toxic relationship as if it were a hard drug and deal with the comedown, only to realize one day how much easier life is without that drug (him). Best of luck to you!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. It really touches me that i’ve found a place where many have been through this and understand the situation i’m in.
I initiated no contact the day we broke up. I removed him from every social media outlet, removed his name from my contact list, but I didnt block him. I’m so used to having unmarked numbers call me that I was completely taken back when i heard his voice. I should block his number...
Regarding the army, i’m from Canada, and although some criminal charges automatically disqualify you from recruitment, some things like DUI or possession of an illegal drug (a one time offense, and as long as youre not a drug dealer) can get you exempted from it and you can pass through. Once youre in, ALL drugs, including marijuana for leisure, is prohibited.
How do I “let go?” I know one day i’ll understand this meaning very well, but right now I feel like i dont know how. My psych says she’ll help me learn how to, but the problem is that im so focused on HIM that letting go seems impossible, it’s almost an OCD at this point! I can literally be at a spa, at dinner with my amazing friends (who i appreciate and live dearly) but my brain wont let me shut him down.
I’m trying to meet new people, dipping my toe in the pool of online dating, not to establish a new relationship, or for sexual reasons, but to prove to myself that there ARE men in this world who are nothing like my ex ( yeah pretty sure im using this dating app completely wrong!)
One of my closest friend’s boyfriend told me, “ you never knew what normal was because all you knew was his normal.. in reality, when you find someone who genuinely cares for you and is honest, your “normal” should be ‘hey sorry i forgot to take out the trash, i forgot to buy the milk, not ‘ i have no money in my account cause i blew it on coke, hi honey im gonna lie to your face again, or i’m gonna start my 163537th low paying job next because i got fired from my last one.”
I initiated no contact the day we broke up. I removed him from every social media outlet, removed his name from my contact list, but I didnt block him. I’m so used to having unmarked numbers call me that I was completely taken back when i heard his voice. I should block his number...
Regarding the army, i’m from Canada, and although some criminal charges automatically disqualify you from recruitment, some things like DUI or possession of an illegal drug (a one time offense, and as long as youre not a drug dealer) can get you exempted from it and you can pass through. Once youre in, ALL drugs, including marijuana for leisure, is prohibited.
How do I “let go?” I know one day i’ll understand this meaning very well, but right now I feel like i dont know how. My psych says she’ll help me learn how to, but the problem is that im so focused on HIM that letting go seems impossible, it’s almost an OCD at this point! I can literally be at a spa, at dinner with my amazing friends (who i appreciate and live dearly) but my brain wont let me shut him down.
I’m trying to meet new people, dipping my toe in the pool of online dating, not to establish a new relationship, or for sexual reasons, but to prove to myself that there ARE men in this world who are nothing like my ex ( yeah pretty sure im using this dating app completely wrong!)
One of my closest friend’s boyfriend told me, “ you never knew what normal was because all you knew was his normal.. in reality, when you find someone who genuinely cares for you and is honest, your “normal” should be ‘hey sorry i forgot to take out the trash, i forgot to buy the milk, not ‘ i have no money in my account cause i blew it on coke, hi honey im gonna lie to your face again, or i’m gonna start my 163537th low paying job next because i got fired from my last one.”
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I’m trying to meet new people, dipping my toe in the pool of online dating, not to establish a new relationship, or for sexual reasons, but to prove to myself that there ARE men in this world who are nothing like my ex ( yeah pretty sure im using this dating app completely wrong!)
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This. I know it's hard but it's a theme on these forums here at SR. If you don't have any contact with them or their family, which is hurtful, you don't go through all of this anguish. It enables you to go through the stages of grief and HEAL.
It's a hard thing to do, but well worth it in the end.
It's a hard thing to do, but well worth it in the end.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
no new contact = no new hurts
as long as you are still picking up the phone when he calls and listening to his updates about his life, you remain attached TO him. so you cannot LET GO.
as long as you are still picking up the phone when he calls and listening to his updates about his life, you remain attached TO him. so you cannot LET GO.
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Thank you so much. I should really assert the NC from now on. I guess the only thing in the way is we so many mutual friends (anyone watch Friends? Yup, that’s us). That’s going to be difficult for me, but i’ll pray for the best.
Has anyone experienced the feeling of being “bored” when out of a relationship with an addict? I feel like my life has been so dramatic with him over the years that life just feels boring in a sense. I dont know if im explaining it that well, or maybe “bored” isnt really the appropriate word, but life just feels uneventful, compared to what i was sucked into with my ex. I guess that may be the codepence aspect i’m struggling with.
Ive considered attending an al anon meeting in the past, but never really went because i thought “ well hes doing better, he was just a cocaine user and not an addict, blah blah more excuses.” But maybe i should give it a try.
Its funny how my brain just completely lessened the severity of drug use at one point in time (mind you never in any point in time had i ever seen him ON cocaine so i dont know how he was on it thankfully). When i heard he first used years before (recreationally, a few times a year) i would empathize with him. It gave him a boost of confidence, and all these wonderful feelings (for 15 mins!) so i tried to understand that maybe it was OKAY. And when his father passed away, i thought to myself “ its the only thing he knows that can provide him a little relief from his grief/depression”. CRAZY RIGHT?? I’m actually more than anything upset and hurt by the lies and dishonesty. To lie repeatedly to their face, over and over again to the one you “love” just so that they wouldnt leave you.. and each time, i gave him another chance, and another and another..
Has anyone experienced the feeling of being “bored” when out of a relationship with an addict? I feel like my life has been so dramatic with him over the years that life just feels boring in a sense. I dont know if im explaining it that well, or maybe “bored” isnt really the appropriate word, but life just feels uneventful, compared to what i was sucked into with my ex. I guess that may be the codepence aspect i’m struggling with.
Ive considered attending an al anon meeting in the past, but never really went because i thought “ well hes doing better, he was just a cocaine user and not an addict, blah blah more excuses.” But maybe i should give it a try.
Its funny how my brain just completely lessened the severity of drug use at one point in time (mind you never in any point in time had i ever seen him ON cocaine so i dont know how he was on it thankfully). When i heard he first used years before (recreationally, a few times a year) i would empathize with him. It gave him a boost of confidence, and all these wonderful feelings (for 15 mins!) so i tried to understand that maybe it was OKAY. And when his father passed away, i thought to myself “ its the only thing he knows that can provide him a little relief from his grief/depression”. CRAZY RIGHT?? I’m actually more than anything upset and hurt by the lies and dishonesty. To lie repeatedly to their face, over and over again to the one you “love” just so that they wouldnt leave you.. and each time, i gave him another chance, and another and another..
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Hi
He sounds like one of my ex's
My advice would be to stop answering his calls . That way you don't get triggered.
You may be addicted to the drama
When I was in your shoes I felt the same as you. Now a long time has passed and I realised that I was in a sort of mental fog.I never saw how toxic and wrong the whole thing was because it was so normal in a way.
It was like looking at the light from a full moon and thinking I can see clearly but really I'm only seeing reflected light from the sun not the clear picture ( real sunlight ) but I thought it was the same thing.
I was living in a fantasy in my head about the relationship and who he could be,and not wanting or just refusing to see the reality of the situation.
Give things time and you will come to a realisation and you will move on to a better future x
He sounds like one of my ex's
My advice would be to stop answering his calls . That way you don't get triggered.
You may be addicted to the drama
When I was in your shoes I felt the same as you. Now a long time has passed and I realised that I was in a sort of mental fog.I never saw how toxic and wrong the whole thing was because it was so normal in a way.
It was like looking at the light from a full moon and thinking I can see clearly but really I'm only seeing reflected light from the sun not the clear picture ( real sunlight ) but I thought it was the same thing.
I was living in a fantasy in my head about the relationship and who he could be,and not wanting or just refusing to see the reality of the situation.
Give things time and you will come to a realisation and you will move on to a better future x
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Absolutely!
Oh honey I've been there for what seems like forever!
My X has an issue with not only alcoholism but periodic drug use as well.
He's lied to me like it's his job. He's stolen cash from me as well as credit cards wrecking up a balance. He's cheated on me. When he's doing cocaine he has bisexual Tendencies and actually put out ads on Craigslist for sex as well as a half a dozen profiles on sex hookup sites. Even though he says he never actually met up with anyone, because of the constant lying how do you know that would be true? He has destroyed many items in my home. Holes in walls, broken furniture, Etc. I've lost thousands of dollars and many days and nights of lost peace.
At one point he was cheating on me with his old boss.
He was at my place this past weekend and she had contacted me through Facebook Messenger suddenly now saying that she thought he was playing us both.
He had told me that he loved me but also loved her. 1 minute he got mad at me and said I was ruining his relationship with her and spit in my face. 10 minutes later he's apologizing and saying I'm the one he really wants to work it out with.
Turned out two bottles of my grandmother's oxycodone were missing! That's 120 tablets! I called the police and made a report. He left and sent me a message saying I had a lot of nerve and denied taking them. There was no one else here that would take them!
His side piece let me know yesterday that he had contacted her again trying to reconcile again with her.
Even though I am done and know that I need to be, that doesn't mean I don't have extremely hurt feelings. It doesn't mean that I don't miss the good parts of him.
Yes our relationships are toxic. You just need to learn to not listen to your feelings because feelings can change so quickly. Just remind yourself that you deserve better over and over.
Trust me, I know it's not easy. I'm 47 and have a mild limp from cerebal palsy and scoliosis. He is only 27 and smoking hot. The woman he was cheating on me with is 45 and drop dead gorgeous.
It's not even worth having my hat in the ring anymore. What would be the point?
What exactly do we win by staying in a relationship with these addicts?
More sleepless nights, lost money, and broken bones?
No thanks.
Stay strong! Message me anytime if you need encouragement or are in a moment where you feel like you want to text or call him.
I'll talk you down.
My X has an issue with not only alcoholism but periodic drug use as well.
He's lied to me like it's his job. He's stolen cash from me as well as credit cards wrecking up a balance. He's cheated on me. When he's doing cocaine he has bisexual Tendencies and actually put out ads on Craigslist for sex as well as a half a dozen profiles on sex hookup sites. Even though he says he never actually met up with anyone, because of the constant lying how do you know that would be true? He has destroyed many items in my home. Holes in walls, broken furniture, Etc. I've lost thousands of dollars and many days and nights of lost peace.
At one point he was cheating on me with his old boss.
He was at my place this past weekend and she had contacted me through Facebook Messenger suddenly now saying that she thought he was playing us both.
He had told me that he loved me but also loved her. 1 minute he got mad at me and said I was ruining his relationship with her and spit in my face. 10 minutes later he's apologizing and saying I'm the one he really wants to work it out with.
Turned out two bottles of my grandmother's oxycodone were missing! That's 120 tablets! I called the police and made a report. He left and sent me a message saying I had a lot of nerve and denied taking them. There was no one else here that would take them!
His side piece let me know yesterday that he had contacted her again trying to reconcile again with her.
Even though I am done and know that I need to be, that doesn't mean I don't have extremely hurt feelings. It doesn't mean that I don't miss the good parts of him.
Yes our relationships are toxic. You just need to learn to not listen to your feelings because feelings can change so quickly. Just remind yourself that you deserve better over and over.
Trust me, I know it's not easy. I'm 47 and have a mild limp from cerebal palsy and scoliosis. He is only 27 and smoking hot. The woman he was cheating on me with is 45 and drop dead gorgeous.
It's not even worth having my hat in the ring anymore. What would be the point?
What exactly do we win by staying in a relationship with these addicts?
More sleepless nights, lost money, and broken bones?
No thanks.
Stay strong! Message me anytime if you need encouragement or are in a moment where you feel like you want to text or call him.
I'll talk you down.
Last edited by Frustrated47; 12-06-2017 at 03:53 PM. Reason: Talk 2 text misspelled
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Thank you Frustrated47 for your kind words.. I’m so sorry that you had to go through with that with your ex.
It has been a hard week for me, but yesterday I grew a REAL FIRE inside of me when i found out theough a friend that he’s been posting these pictures of himself with quotes along the lines of “ready to let go, im doing this for me, im going to live my life, etc.” . I completely understand that his mental tranformation is all on his own, and is needed for him. I would never put down someone who is in recovery, but it just got me angry. And to be honest, anger feels WAY better than sadness at this moment. Yes i know, i shouldnt be curious of his life but this last update REALLY made me realize that i made the BEST DECISION To leave.
I feel as though I invested so much in the wrong person. That I was so blinded by “love” (now im starting to think i only liked the IDEA of hkm more than him, and that i was more attached/obsessed with the relationship rather than actually loving him) that all the red flags didn’t exist. Removing me from his life seems way easier than removing his drug dealers and bad influences.
I’m angry, livid, and hurt. This person that i “knew” for 4 years really isnt the person i knew after all.
He told me on the day of our breakup: “ ah women, you just want to fix a guy so bad!” I never wanted the person to change, because that was the person i fell for, but when someone tells me that they want to stop smoking, be healthier, etc, ill support him, and hold him accountable when he needs to. I shouldnt apologize for wanting the best for someone, and not sugar coat it. It does sound like nagging i must admit, but i thought i was getting through to him.
I now realize that he prefers to be around people who only tell him what he wants to hear and not what is good/wise for him. He is SURROUNDED by people who look at his mistakes as minor setbacks. You admitted you’re “messed up”? Im proud of you! You went on a binge and you feel bad? IM PROUD OF YOU. You went on your 4th binge AND you want a fresh start? IM PROUD OF YOU.
I truly feel like he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. As long as he has people pitying him and not being accountable for his mess, he’ll never change. You cant rely on getting constant “belly rubs” to make it better. You want to change for yourself, then stop seeking attention/praise and work for it!
...Is this a narcissist trait??
Anyway. I dodged a bullet. A big one. And i’m finally seeing things a bit more clearer.
I’m sorry for the venting and anger. and if I said anything to offend anyone. Taking in each emotion as it comes my way, and accepting it. Today is anger. This forum has really helped me see things differently and I am incredibly appreciative for all your support. Of course being with friends and family who understand the situation im in helps tremendously.
One month down and things are starting to look a bit better.
It has been a hard week for me, but yesterday I grew a REAL FIRE inside of me when i found out theough a friend that he’s been posting these pictures of himself with quotes along the lines of “ready to let go, im doing this for me, im going to live my life, etc.” . I completely understand that his mental tranformation is all on his own, and is needed for him. I would never put down someone who is in recovery, but it just got me angry. And to be honest, anger feels WAY better than sadness at this moment. Yes i know, i shouldnt be curious of his life but this last update REALLY made me realize that i made the BEST DECISION To leave.
I feel as though I invested so much in the wrong person. That I was so blinded by “love” (now im starting to think i only liked the IDEA of hkm more than him, and that i was more attached/obsessed with the relationship rather than actually loving him) that all the red flags didn’t exist. Removing me from his life seems way easier than removing his drug dealers and bad influences.
I’m angry, livid, and hurt. This person that i “knew” for 4 years really isnt the person i knew after all.
He told me on the day of our breakup: “ ah women, you just want to fix a guy so bad!” I never wanted the person to change, because that was the person i fell for, but when someone tells me that they want to stop smoking, be healthier, etc, ill support him, and hold him accountable when he needs to. I shouldnt apologize for wanting the best for someone, and not sugar coat it. It does sound like nagging i must admit, but i thought i was getting through to him.
I now realize that he prefers to be around people who only tell him what he wants to hear and not what is good/wise for him. He is SURROUNDED by people who look at his mistakes as minor setbacks. You admitted you’re “messed up”? Im proud of you! You went on a binge and you feel bad? IM PROUD OF YOU. You went on your 4th binge AND you want a fresh start? IM PROUD OF YOU.
I truly feel like he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. As long as he has people pitying him and not being accountable for his mess, he’ll never change. You cant rely on getting constant “belly rubs” to make it better. You want to change for yourself, then stop seeking attention/praise and work for it!
...Is this a narcissist trait??
Anyway. I dodged a bullet. A big one. And i’m finally seeing things a bit more clearer.
I’m sorry for the venting and anger. and if I said anything to offend anyone. Taking in each emotion as it comes my way, and accepting it. Today is anger. This forum has really helped me see things differently and I am incredibly appreciative for all your support. Of course being with friends and family who understand the situation im in helps tremendously.
One month down and things are starting to look a bit better.
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I now realize that he prefers to be around people who only tell him what he wants to hear and not what is good/wise for him. He is SURROUNDED by people who look at his mistakes as minor setbacks. You admitted you’re “messed up”? Im proud of you! You went on a binge and you feel bad? IM PROUD OF YOU. You went on your 4th binge AND you want a fresh start? IM PROUD OF YOU.
I truly feel like he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. As long as he has people pitying him and not being accountable for his mess, he’ll never change. You cant rely on getting constant “belly rubs” to make it better. You want to change for yourself, then stop seeking attention/praise and work for it!
eh, there are a lot of people who wouldn't mind an entourage of encouragement! even if it's BS. it's human nature to like an "atta boy/girl" or two.....that's why we bust our ass at work, right? so the bosses notice our efforts and show us appreciation?? addicts are masterful at collecting enablers that see what they WANT them to see. he may never hit rock bottom, he may bounce along for a long time.
I truly feel like he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. As long as he has people pitying him and not being accountable for his mess, he’ll never change. You cant rely on getting constant “belly rubs” to make it better. You want to change for yourself, then stop seeking attention/praise and work for it!
eh, there are a lot of people who wouldn't mind an entourage of encouragement! even if it's BS. it's human nature to like an "atta boy/girl" or two.....that's why we bust our ass at work, right? so the bosses notice our efforts and show us appreciation?? addicts are masterful at collecting enablers that see what they WANT them to see. he may never hit rock bottom, he may bounce along for a long time.
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Originally Posted by Lostbirdie
I’m angry, livid, and hurt. This person that i “knew” for 4 years really isnt the person i knew after all.
Please note: no offense meant to anyone who is religious or anyone who reads the bible for hours a day, I hope it comes across that i'm just describing his very shallow 180 degree change.
Do I think he's born again? No. Do I think he wants to feel part of some organization and perhaps lead people with his great wisdom, probably. But yeah, I just don't care.
Oh and I believe it was the day I sent him that email or the day after, he suddenly appeared on Facebook, which he had basically ignored, complete with updated picture saying i'm back in town! Yeah he had been "back in town" for two months. Jobless, staying with friends whose lives he disrupted, got thrown out of there and ended up back living with his family.
Originally Posted by Lostbirdie
I’m sorry for the venting and anger. and if I said anything to offend anyone.
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