Psychologist told me to "remember the good times".
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Psychologist told me to "remember the good times".
Here's a basic recap of my situation: I've been separated from my addict husband for a few months. He was a stage four addict, and during the relationship as I kept managing his messes he got worse. He claimed that he had a mental illness. I did not know or understand the extent of his addiction or that he had previously been an alcoholic. After I discovered the extent of his problems, I told him that I had boundaries around his drug use, it was likely going to kill him and I didn't want to stick around to watch that happen, and we should consider living apart while he figured out his rehabilitation. He then became abusive (more than usual). The police removed him. He started harassing me, my family, my friends, and spreading lies about me. I got a restraining order. I had cared for my husband for a long, long time. I would have continued caring for him if he had not used drugs and lied repeatedly, stole money from me, invalidated my feelings repeatedly, ignored my emotional needs, manipulated me by acting like a victim, and treated me like his mother (or his slave). He also claims that none of these things really "happened" -- how would he know, he wasn't even sober.
For a long time, I used to think I had "mis-remembered" things and that he was correct and I was "forgetful". Finally when my neighbors saw him being abusive and called the police, I realized that I had been gas-lighted for a long time.
I may or may not have posted here before about some iffy advice from my psychologist -- in case you read my past posts, there was more than one shrink (this post is about my own shrink). I don't remember if I said I was going to get a new one or not... but I have been thinking of seeing a new one, for some reason I have not made that step and I think I should, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.
In the course of my therapy with my psychologist, I was often given advice on how to help my addict husband. Once, during a session, the psychologist called his number and tried to talk to him about going to rehab. I would also leave the sessions with information for him. I have been experiencing a lot of anger, because I keep remembering things from the past that make me angry. For example, I was with him for a decade and he didn't even have a picture of me on his phone. He had lots of pictures of everything else, but not me (is that normal, I don't think so...? I remember this became an argument where he then said I was stressing him out and made him want to use more drugs). I told my psychologist that I was feeling a lot of anger and grief at the same time.
She said that I sounded really stuck and that I had to move on -- I'm still having sporadic panic attacks. She said that it would help if I focused on the good times, before my STBXAH became an addict (IMHO, he always WAS an addict). Focus on the good times? Is she serious?!? I had to get a restraining order against someone who has threatened to kill me and my friends, whom I can't see anymore because they're afraid that seeing me might get them in "trouble", and I should now think about the "good times"?
I feel like running away from this city entirely. I'm trying to think of a country where he knows no one, because that is where I would want to go. I feel very invalidated... but I don't know if I have the right to feel that way. I feel like I was living with the illusion of being in a loving relationship, but now I've discovered that not only was I the only one doing the loving, he's contaminated my whole life.
He put so little effort into the relationship (because has "sick") that when he left and started harassing me, spreading lies about me, and controlling me financially, I was really shocked that he was capable enough to put that much effort into anything. I had no idea he could be as organized as he has been -- he's been organized enough to be vindictive. However, I'm supposed to remember the good times? Of course I already DO think about the "good times", and every time I think of the "good times", I feel like my life is over. The only thing that I feel keeps me sane is being angry. But I need to do something with the rage.
For a long time, I used to think I had "mis-remembered" things and that he was correct and I was "forgetful". Finally when my neighbors saw him being abusive and called the police, I realized that I had been gas-lighted for a long time.
I may or may not have posted here before about some iffy advice from my psychologist -- in case you read my past posts, there was more than one shrink (this post is about my own shrink). I don't remember if I said I was going to get a new one or not... but I have been thinking of seeing a new one, for some reason I have not made that step and I think I should, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.
In the course of my therapy with my psychologist, I was often given advice on how to help my addict husband. Once, during a session, the psychologist called his number and tried to talk to him about going to rehab. I would also leave the sessions with information for him. I have been experiencing a lot of anger, because I keep remembering things from the past that make me angry. For example, I was with him for a decade and he didn't even have a picture of me on his phone. He had lots of pictures of everything else, but not me (is that normal, I don't think so...? I remember this became an argument where he then said I was stressing him out and made him want to use more drugs). I told my psychologist that I was feeling a lot of anger and grief at the same time.
She said that I sounded really stuck and that I had to move on -- I'm still having sporadic panic attacks. She said that it would help if I focused on the good times, before my STBXAH became an addict (IMHO, he always WAS an addict). Focus on the good times? Is she serious?!? I had to get a restraining order against someone who has threatened to kill me and my friends, whom I can't see anymore because they're afraid that seeing me might get them in "trouble", and I should now think about the "good times"?
I feel like running away from this city entirely. I'm trying to think of a country where he knows no one, because that is where I would want to go. I feel very invalidated... but I don't know if I have the right to feel that way. I feel like I was living with the illusion of being in a loving relationship, but now I've discovered that not only was I the only one doing the loving, he's contaminated my whole life.
He put so little effort into the relationship (because has "sick") that when he left and started harassing me, spreading lies about me, and controlling me financially, I was really shocked that he was capable enough to put that much effort into anything. I had no idea he could be as organized as he has been -- he's been organized enough to be vindictive. However, I'm supposed to remember the good times? Of course I already DO think about the "good times", and every time I think of the "good times", I feel like my life is over. The only thing that I feel keeps me sane is being angry. But I need to do something with the rage.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I agree, Ophelia, that the therapist’s adviceto “remember the good times” sounds very facile and almost as if he/she doesn’t really grasp the situation.
I mean, what if there haven’t been any “good times?”
Also, what’s the point?
You have to live in the now.
I don’t have good experience with one to one therapy.
I usually end up telling them what they want to hear, which is not at all productive.
But I know from friends who have done a lot with therapists that a good one can be amazingly helpful.
So, no advice here from one who hasn’t done well with therapy.
I found Al-Anon meetings to be a great source of experience, strength, and hope, though.
I mean, what if there haven’t been any “good times?”
Also, what’s the point?
You have to live in the now.
I don’t have good experience with one to one therapy.
I usually end up telling them what they want to hear, which is not at all productive.
But I know from friends who have done a lot with therapists that a good one can be amazingly helpful.
So, no advice here from one who hasn’t done well with therapy.
I found Al-Anon meetings to be a great source of experience, strength, and hope, though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Please ignore that strange and counter-productive advice and get yourself a new therapist, preferably one with experience with addiction.
It feels totally off the wall to me that any psychologist would call the husband of their own patient to try to talk them into rehab. Whose pyschologist is she? Yours, or his?
This is coming from someone who's been with the same therapist for 14 years (off and on). I trust her completely, and she makes it perfectly clear that she is there for me. If she starts feeling frustrated with me, we discuss it in a neutral way--she would never, ever offer up advice that suggesting I need to "move on" in HER timeframe. She's not there to fix me, but to help and guide me as I learn to fix myself. It took time for us to develop that relationship and it was well worth the effort.
It feels totally off the wall to me that any psychologist would call the husband of their own patient to try to talk them into rehab. Whose pyschologist is she? Yours, or his?
This is coming from someone who's been with the same therapist for 14 years (off and on). I trust her completely, and she makes it perfectly clear that she is there for me. If she starts feeling frustrated with me, we discuss it in a neutral way--she would never, ever offer up advice that suggesting I need to "move on" in HER timeframe. She's not there to fix me, but to help and guide me as I learn to fix myself. It took time for us to develop that relationship and it was well worth the effort.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think Maud and Sparkle both make really good counter points about therapy.
First and foremost, I always always trust my own inner voice. Always. Only I know my entire story. I have it within me to find the answers I seek and if I feel someone is invalidating or just wrong - I tell them and move on. I've had no luck with therapy, and I've seen several. That's just me, though. Sometimes it takes a little time to shut out the wrong outside voices and to get centered, but it pays off in huge ways.
I've moved cities and states twice to escape relationships. It's a valid response and I wouldn't rule it out. I also had the worst relationship in my life and stayed put. Physical and emotional abuse, stalking, death threats, a year of phone harassment and weird things left where I would find them. Police involvement. I held my ground and was really careful. That also turned out okay. So, again. . . trust your instincts.
Always.
First and foremost, I always always trust my own inner voice. Always. Only I know my entire story. I have it within me to find the answers I seek and if I feel someone is invalidating or just wrong - I tell them and move on. I've had no luck with therapy, and I've seen several. That's just me, though. Sometimes it takes a little time to shut out the wrong outside voices and to get centered, but it pays off in huge ways.
I've moved cities and states twice to escape relationships. It's a valid response and I wouldn't rule it out. I also had the worst relationship in my life and stayed put. Physical and emotional abuse, stalking, death threats, a year of phone harassment and weird things left where I would find them. Police involvement. I held my ground and was really careful. That also turned out okay. So, again. . . trust your instincts.
Always.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
And I totally understand the anger.
I am angry at myaddicted sib
All. Of. The. Time.
Al-Anon helps with that, too.
But what REALLY helped was living 350 miles away from him.
That is no longer true, alas.
I am my mother’s caregiver, and he lives with her, so I see him a lot more than I would like to.
I live for the day when I don’t have to have contact with him, as he is a spiteful, passive aggressive, selfish a**hat.
Me, angry?
Nah.
I am angry at myaddicted sib
All. Of. The. Time.
Al-Anon helps with that, too.
But what REALLY helped was living 350 miles away from him.
That is no longer true, alas.
I am my mother’s caregiver, and he lives with her, so I see him a lot more than I would like to.
I live for the day when I don’t have to have contact with him, as he is a spiteful, passive aggressive, selfish a**hat.
Me, angry?
Nah.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
OpheliaKatz: I read your entire initial post and wanted to comment on a couple of things you shared," I feel very invalidated... but I don't know if I have the right to feel that way" You absolutely have the right to feel that and to address it, to put things in perspective, to validate your own feelings.
With that in mind and when thinking of "being the victim of gaslighting" ...for me, it's a slippery slope to second guess my gut when I feel I am on the right track...in other words, when I was gaslighted and would fall for it.
Another point you made, "She said that it would help if I focused on the good times, before my STBXAH became an addict (IMHO, he always WAS an addict). Focus on the good times? Is she serious?!? I had to get a restraining..."
Wondering why she would suggest that in the first place... Anyway, if it causes you pain and keeps you enmeshed in the place where you continue to have anxiety, etc., then I'd let go of that suggestion. I would think it would be helpful to redirect to thoughts, practices that are helpful and healing for YOU, to get you on the journey to a better place, to reach toward peace and safety, to continue to have hope for your future. Only my opinion, of course... I am not a professional.
With that in mind and when thinking of "being the victim of gaslighting" ...for me, it's a slippery slope to second guess my gut when I feel I am on the right track...in other words, when I was gaslighted and would fall for it.
Another point you made, "She said that it would help if I focused on the good times, before my STBXAH became an addict (IMHO, he always WAS an addict). Focus on the good times? Is she serious?!? I had to get a restraining..."
Wondering why she would suggest that in the first place... Anyway, if it causes you pain and keeps you enmeshed in the place where you continue to have anxiety, etc., then I'd let go of that suggestion. I would think it would be helpful to redirect to thoughts, practices that are helpful and healing for YOU, to get you on the journey to a better place, to reach toward peace and safety, to continue to have hope for your future. Only my opinion, of course... I am not a professional.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Your psychologist sounds dangerously out of touch to me.
Here's the thing- our memories tend to have what's called a "positivity bias". That's why when we break up with someone, no matter how bad things were, we have regrets. We tend to focus on the good naturally, and that's what keeps us stuck.
It sounds to me like you need to focus on what was WRONG with this relationship, this man. You need to get to the point where you have no regrets, because you see very clearly that you made the right choice, the only choice, in leaving.
As others on this forum have said, anger can be an excellent motivator. It is a valid emotion, and there are times when you need to feel it. You've been abused. If someone you loved had been abused, you'd be angry! Love yourself. Be angry.
Here's the thing- our memories tend to have what's called a "positivity bias". That's why when we break up with someone, no matter how bad things were, we have regrets. We tend to focus on the good naturally, and that's what keeps us stuck.
It sounds to me like you need to focus on what was WRONG with this relationship, this man. You need to get to the point where you have no regrets, because you see very clearly that you made the right choice, the only choice, in leaving.
As others on this forum have said, anger can be an excellent motivator. It is a valid emotion, and there are times when you need to feel it. You've been abused. If someone you loved had been abused, you'd be angry! Love yourself. Be angry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I was often given advice on how to help my addict husband. Once, during a session, the psychologist called his number and tried to talk to him about going to rehab. I would also leave the sessions with information for him.
now see, to me....that's just wrong. your therapist should be there FOR YOU, no one else. this one is not.
now might be a good time to make a fresh start with a new therapist.
now see, to me....that's just wrong. your therapist should be there FOR YOU, no one else. this one is not.
now might be a good time to make a fresh start with a new therapist.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Is this the same whackadoodle who kept blaming you for your husband’s drug use?
If so, she is to be avoided at all costs. Grieving is not one size fits all. She sounds like she’s reading from the Grieving Support Manual, page two.
Sorry, hon. Blow it off. Process this in your own way at your own speed and honor your right to your feelings. They’ve been disregarded long enough.
Sending you a hug.
If so, she is to be avoided at all costs. Grieving is not one size fits all. She sounds like she’s reading from the Grieving Support Manual, page two.
Sorry, hon. Blow it off. Process this in your own way at your own speed and honor your right to your feelings. They’ve been disregarded long enough.
Sending you a hug.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
No different whackadoodle. I'm probably shopping in the wrong aisle.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Is this the same whackadoodle who kept blaming you for your husband’s drug use?
If so, she is to be avoided at all costs. Grieving is not one size fits all. She sounds like she’s reading from the Grieving Support Manual, page two.
Sorry, hon. Blow it off. Process this in your own way at your own speed and honor your right to your feelings. They’ve been disregarded long enough.
Sending you a hug.
If so, she is to be avoided at all costs. Grieving is not one size fits all. She sounds like she’s reading from the Grieving Support Manual, page two.
Sorry, hon. Blow it off. Process this in your own way at your own speed and honor your right to your feelings. They’ve been disregarded long enough.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think I gave my opinion a while back that you may need a new therapist O, one that better understands all you have been through. And their soul purpose being to help and support YOU.
Big hugs friend!
Big hugs friend!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
So update... I spoke to a domestic violence counselor and they told me to return that psych to the store. They also said they were having some talks about domestic violence and substance abuse, and that I should come in for them because they have a drug counselor with a lot of information. I'm sick of the excuses everyone around me made for me sticking with my ex and trying in vain for years and years to help him. "Maybe you should help him harder..." etc. He never wanted help. A. Take horse to the water. B. Expect horse to drink. C. Shove a pipe down horse's throat and try to force it to drink. Idiots. I should have also returned the horse to the store. It was a defective horse.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Yeah I'm pretty sure you did say this. I think I was so busy being swept up in court/legal stuff that I forgot to do this. I've forgotten/misplaced so many things, it was such a stressful time. I even lost things that were important, like certain documents. I'm also procrastinating because I just don't want to have to deal with him or anything connecting to him anymore. It always makes me break out in a sweat and I become very, very agitated and feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. I had to change so many things: passwords, keys, bank accounts, phone numbers, bills, etc... my shrink was not an immediate priority (but the sessions still kept bothering me, and I'd forget that I was bothered and then go back). I've cancelled my last session, don't worry.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I think I gave my opinion a while back that you may need a new therapist O, one that better understands all you have been through. And their soul purpose being to help and support YOU.
Big hugs friend!
Big hugs friend!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Remember the good times...You know, I was married young, for a lot of years, and for most of those I would have termed myself "happy." The marriage ended ugly, over a decade ago. I have no memories of "good times" although I am sure there were many. Some things are so awful that they cancel them out. And THATS ok. I agree your t gave you Bad Advice. Its Important that you know its ok that you feel the way you do. How Could you feel any other way? Its inconceivable. Trust your gut, hard after gaslighting I know.
Here's the other thing. In the past couple years, I spent a lot of time and energy finding an "addiction therapist".
I canned the first after the basic premise was that I "need to go out for Ice cream more and pray more" (NOT HELPFUL)
I thought I had found a good one with the last one I saw... Until... she suggested that we pay for my 26 yr old addict stepson to have his own apt. Basically to finance his own private drug den. I still get angry at that advice.
Just cause they are an "addiction specialist" doesn't mean you might not still have to return the horse.
Here's the other thing. In the past couple years, I spent a lot of time and energy finding an "addiction therapist".
I canned the first after the basic premise was that I "need to go out for Ice cream more and pray more" (NOT HELPFUL)
I thought I had found a good one with the last one I saw... Until... she suggested that we pay for my 26 yr old addict stepson to have his own apt. Basically to finance his own private drug den. I still get angry at that advice.
Just cause they are an "addiction specialist" doesn't mean you might not still have to return the horse.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sephra, that's it exactly, the memory of my ex going into a violent narcissistic rage because he didn't want to rehabilitate, and screaming that he was going to kill me and all my friends, cancels out the memory of any time we ever went for ice cream together.
F-this stupid sh*t. I have a right to be furious.
F-this stupid sh*t. I have a right to be furious.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
