Tot

Yes so I’ve posted here a few times before, and it seems I’ll never learn. I’ll never understand. I’ll keep repeating the same **** cycle over and over with my ex. So sorry for the length but please power through it.

A little background. My ex is a recovering addict/alcoholic....with some slip ups (who knows really how many tho). While we were still together I caught her a few times with Xanax or Ativan. I’d either catch her physically with it or I’d random drug test her and she’d test positive for benzos. She always said she only took them for sleep, that she doesn’t really like them because she likes things that make her feel “on” and Xanax puts her to sleep. My gut tells me that she’s lying but I’d question even my gut. We had been together for 3 years total, 2 of those years I had no idea she was addicted to opiates, mainly Heroin when she could get it. She hid it so well. And I met her during active addiction so I never had a baseline to compare her behavior to. We broke up for a while after she got out of rehab because she just “didn’t feel the same way” about me anymore. About 5 months later she realized she was in fact in love with me and of course I took her back because i was still so in love with her.

Once we got back together, suddenly it was like someone flipped a switch. I didn’t feel the same. I wasn’t attracted to her anymore. I had no desire to be intimate with her. I fought so hard to get her back during those 5 months we were broken up that I guess I never processed everything she told me. I never processed all the lies, all the sneaking around, etc because I was so concerned with getting her back. Once we were back together and I could relax, it all sank in. That’s my best guess anyway as to what happened.

So for the last year of our relationship, no sex. It’s like we were just best friends. She didn’t want to pressure me and she chose to “live in the hope” that my feelings for her would return. She said that I made her realize that love takes work and that it isn’t just a feeling and she wanted to stick it out with me and work on it together. Only we never worked on it. My theory for why I lost my attraction to her is that I’ve developed trust issues. My trust issues exist because of her. Lying is unattractive, so therefore I became unattracted to her. I communicated this to her and said I just need time and if she could show me that she’s trying and if she’d continue to talk to me and show improvement and work on her steps and go to meetings etc. if she could regain my trust I felt like my feelings would come back. But I’d keep catching her in a lie, or finding Xanax in her room, or texts on her phone. I’d have these gut feelings and every time I’d investigate I’d find something incriminating. She wasn’t going to meetings or working on her steps. So my feelings never changed. We just became comfortable and like best friends. She is my best friend and I’m her best friend. We had a great relationship, so much love there, or so it appeared.

BUT NOW since we’ve been broken up, she’s started dating someone else. We’ve been broken up for about a month. When we broke up, I found out she’d been abusing adderall and xanax. After some family intervention she agreed to start going to meetings again etc. she seemed to be motivated again to get better. She got a new sponsor and started going to a few meetings a week. And we were hanging out more again too. I was proud of her for working on things. Then she tells me she’s going on a date. I knew about the girl. But she said she wasn’t attracted to her, but enjoyed talking to her because she was really easy to talk to. I didn’t feel threatened because she said she wasn’t attracted to her. Next thing I know she tells me she’s going to continue seeing her. I’m heartbroken. But I’m the one who ended things..well..we aren’t clear on that. We will just say it was mutual. But my trust issues are the main reason for it and obviously because she kept using. I said we both need to work on ourselves and become better versions of ourselves and then maybe we can revisit our relationship. But now that she’s seeing someone else I feel like I’ve lost her forever. I’ve lost my other half. Literally a week before she went on a date she had said she was still in love with me. And then after the date she said she didn’t know how she felt anymore. She said she was still attracted to me but that since we had basically been just friends for the last year that she didn’t know how to miss me in any other way besides as a friend now. One day she said she still hoped for a future with us and then a couple days later she’s saying she doesn’t know and that she feels our relationship is too damaged. I feel like the breakups have been the most damaging. They definitely hurt the worst. One thing that bugs me is that when we talk on the phone, my brain is still trying to accept what I’m hearing but it refuses to believe it. So I ask a lot of questions trying to dissect her feelings and understand where she’s at with “us” and what she wants etc. and it’s like she’s just checked out. She can’t explain her feelings very well, she just doesn’t know. All she can say is that she’s sorry. She didn’t expect this to happen. But she doesn’t know what else to say and I need to try and move on. Well I get it, I need to move on. But how can she still be in love with me one week and then feel so different the next week. How can she seem so unphased? I’m sobbing on one end of the phone and she’s just silent on the other end with an occasional sigh and an I’m sorry. Our relationship was good. I feel like she’s not typical of what I’ve read about other addict types. Yes she lies when she’s using, she’s been selfish and manipulative. But she’s never been mean, she was never abusive. She doesn’t blame me for anything. She accepts blame for her actions. She has a great relationship with her family and friends. But with me it’s like she’s checked out. She says she misses her best friend and hopes one day we can chill like we had been before. But to me, even tho we weren’t intimate, it was still more than a friendship to me. She was the love of my life, there was just some disconnect but I still loved her with my all my heart. I still do. But I feel like I’ve been so easily replaced with someone new. I know she’s getting from this new girl what she wasn’t getting from me for a long time. But I fear that she will give this girl what I deserved from her the whole time we were together.

This was a book and I really appreciate whoever takes the time to read through it all. I’m a mess. I know what I need to do but I can’t accept that she may be gone. I can’t accept that she isn’t in love with me anymore. I can’t accept that she might find it with someone else. I want her to be happy but I’m hurting here. I miss my best friend to but I can’t bear to be her friend if I can’t also be her girlfriend. And that’s messed up too because I know I really shouldn’t be her girlfriend if it’s caused all these issues. But I love her and I can’t pretend that I don’t.

Ariesagain

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this turmoil...life with any kind of addict is its own special kind of chaos.

At this point, from an outsider’s perspective, you’ve mutually ended the romantic relationship and she’s moved on to someone new. Not surprising, no?

But now that she’s unavailable, you are attracted to her again? It’s often very much human nature to not want something or someone...until someone else wants it.

You may want to do some research on codependency. This forum is a great start...you will see how common these issues are in trying to care for an addict.

Welcome...there is a lot of great support to be found here.

Seren

Hello Tot,

Yes, it sounds like a bit of the classic "go away, come here" dynamic that I have had in a previous relationship. I did not really feel that I wanted to be with this one ex, but it hurt when I knew that he'd moved on.

Maybe sit down and write out a list of the qualities you would need in the perfect mate. What sort of woman would that be? Do you really think that this woman with whom you spent 3 years (most, if not all of it struggling with her addiction) matches those qualities?

Sometimes, as much as it hurts, we have to let folks go to make room for the real good in our lives. I hope that the coming days and weeks dawn just a bit brighter for you!

HardLessons

Hi Tot

I read all of your post.

As I read it, based on my experience, it made sense to me.

The one thing that struck me is this notion of recovery. I recently posted something on a different thread in this forum, concerning my relationship & her notion of recovery. What I read in your post is somewhat similar to my experience. What you described, in my opinion isn't real recovery.

Your gut feeling told you she was using. When you snooped over the years even after rehab & you got back together, you found evidence she was using. What you directly found is probably only the tip of an ice berg. She (like mine) was / is an active addict.

For me, trying to have a normal type relationship with an active addict was extremely difficult. They are just all over the place with their thinking. Mix in constant lies & manipulation and it becomes destructive - a recipe for disaster.

In the end, I had to save myself. Unfortunately, there are no easy decisions. But there are decisions which have solid potential for a good outcome. I chose to leave the relationship. I chose to go no contact. Was in no way shape or form an easy decision. Five some months in, after leaving, its still not easy. But it is getting better.

I'm sorry for your situation & I wish you the best of luck.

Ann

I'm sorry that you are hurt and confused and hope you will take some time just with you, to find your own interests and to be comfortable and happy just living my yourself. YOU hold the key to your happiness, not anyone else.

I too read your entire post and I question what attracted you to this relationship filled with drug use and deception and lack of intimacy. It was an unhealthy relationship at best and unhealthy can attract unhealthy.

Likewise Healthy attracts Healthy, so the more you work on your own self-esteem and finding a healthy way to live, the more likely you are to make better choices in the future.

But you first, take time to get to know "that stranger called you" and I promise life will be filled with promise once you find clarity.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

if you truly believe you are her Best Friend, then you want the best for her. you would want her to find happiness. you would "let" her go on her way and not try to reclaim her as a possession that you deserve.

for a year you had her trying to "be good enough" for you, play by your rules, while you found her unattractive. that's not love.....that's a game.

now that you two ARE broken up AND she is with someone else, suddenly you want her back.

sounds like some under-developed emotional maturity. this is your opportunity for growth. to gain a better understanding of what LOVE and Friendship really are. what having a healthy balanced relationship looks like.

Tot

When we met i had no idea she was an addict. No one knew. She was very charming, funny, social butterfly. We became very close and we never fought and always had a lot of fun together. The lack of intimacy came later, about 3 years in, after finding out she was an addict and had been lying and hiding her addiction. Its hard to get over her because shes my best friend and i know shes a good person. But at the same time she can be so insensitive. Its like shes just checked out and numb. Then she will call me and apologize that she acted like she didn't care, and that she was feeling numb. She says there will be moments where she snaps out of it and all the feels catch up to her, but it isn't long before her numbness meter fills back up and she checks out again. We will be on the phone and i'm trying to have a serious conversation with her, and she will be on the other end multi tasking, cleaning her room, doing dishes. I could be crying on the other end and shes just like making a sandwich! its so insensitive, but i don't think that's really her. I'm rambling again.

Tot

All i asked from her was to communicate with me and if she felt like doing drugs, to not hide it from me. i just wanted her to talk to me, talk to someone, go to meetings, work on her steps, meet her sponsor. I never thought she wasn't "good enough", i just wanted her to be sober. I know that its hard and i didn't expect her to not slip up, i just wanted her to be honest with me instead of lying about it to my face. You make it sound like i was just playing some sick game with her feelings, and that's not true. I love/loved her so much. I have trust issues now and that's why i lost that attraction, but i very much wanted to work on things. I don't want to possess her. But i miss her, and miss what we had but a lot of it was good, despite my trust issues and her using. And yea we both need to grow. But i don't think she will be doing much of that since she just jumped into another relationship. It just makes me sad.

HardLessons

Tot

A couple points concerning your above two posts.

In your response to Ann, what you described about her at times being insensitive & numb - yup - I've seen it countless times. She is an active addict using powerful mind altering drugs. They can be extremely insensitive & most definitely numb. It comes with the territory so to speak.

Concerning your response to Anvilhead - your GF is a drug addict & she is using drugs. You don't need her to tell you. She knows you don't want her to do drugs. She wants to do drugs so she will hide it from you. She obviously can hide it well. I know you want her to be sober & do all the necessary requirements concerning recovery. In my experience unless she chooses sobriety & recovery over chasing active addiction what you want is not going to matter. I told mine many times even when she asked me what do you want - I told her it doesn't matter what I want - it never mattered what I wanted. It only mattered what she wanted to do with her life. Mine was / is an active addict. Its what she is. I had to come to terms with myself concerning that notion of active addiction.

Thanks

Tot

I know her mom random drug tests her...so i mean what if shes clean and shes still numb and insensitive like this? I mean i guess that's common too.

If you don't mind me asking, you say yours is an active addict? How do you deal with knowing that shes using? Because i realize i tried to control the situation and i know i can't control her. She is going to do what she's going to do. But how do you stay with a person who is in active addiction and is going to use despite how you feel about it?

IngodITrust

I feel youre pain.
My first love, who i was with for almost 2 years broke up with me for some dope dealer loser on Christmas day... the worst part of it all was not that i had lost my best friend and so much more, but the fact the new boyfriend got her into doing coke and pills. I spiraled downward fast myself , i couldn't think of living a life without her by my side, its been almost 2 years now since our breakup, and i still think about her all the time. Sometimes you have to learn to love someone from a distance. I know its tough. I know it doesn't seem like its possible, and it is super hard to learn to live without youre rock, but life goes on my man.
Also thought i should note, so 2 months into their relationship , the boyfriend actually passed away suddenly out OF NO WHERE. I remember praying to god to either take me, or take him because i just couldn't deal with the fact i diddnt have her anymore, as well as the fact he was giving her all these drugs.
What goes around comes around, and although it may not seem like it now, this is whats best. I would say give it some time for sure, as hard as it may be you don't own her, you cant control what she does, she will have to learn for herself.
hang in there brother, it gets better, i promise.
cheers

hopeful4

It basically sounds like an I'm sorry, but not sorry enough to change my crappy behavior type of situation.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but I dare say you are being saved from a lifetime of hurt and anguish. I say this gently because I know it's painful.

Hugs.

Lostbirdie

Hi Tot,

I've read your story, and I can honestly say I completely and utterly understand you. This was EXACTLY my story, and it still is unfortunately. I'm afraid I cannot fully give you much advice as I'm still going through this myself, but just so you know, I've been there too, very recently.

My ex was into cocaine. For a while I never knew he took it. He would say he didn't want to touch it for fear of turning into his father. He was extremely sweet, charming, obviously a bit of a bad body, but there was this gentle side to him. But we had our ups and downs, and eventually the more he would lie, the more i would lose my trust in him little by little. He would only really lie about his drug use, and little things here and there that would bother me. I would confront him and he would just say something along the lines of " Ughh what did I do now? why are you trying to find a reason to not trust me?, I'm telling you everything!"

Like your ex, when he "hit his rock bottom", he would call me and text me saying he would never want to lose me and that this was his wake up call. He even went to NA meetings and his appointment with his social worker! I too thought this was great, until a few days later, he basically told me that I deserved way better than him and blamed himself for the mess he was in, but that he had to let me go. He then said to me "i love you but im not sure im IN love with you. That was the most confusing thing ive ever heard!! So I understand how you must feel.

Nonetheless, I too had this gut feeling in the relationship that something wasn't right. For a while actually. I wasnt happy, but i wasnt utterly depressed either. It was more of a low level of despair where i just went about my routine and hoped for a better future with him. I shouldve listened to those feelings before. Those are red flags and should not be taken lightly. I felt that the more I helped guide him to a better path, the better he would feel, and the better I would look in his eyes, and maybe be treated better someday. I guess I secretly wanted to be that "saviour", that AMAZING girlfriend that anyone would be a fool to let go of, but more often than not, life doesnt really go our way 100%.

I know you must be ruminating in your head, asking yourself a million questions ( I still am!) wanting to know answers. But the truth is, the mind of an addict/recovering addict is very fragile, and most people wont truly understand how their mind works. You have to take it for what the relationship WAS, not what it WASN'T. YOU had that gut feeling that she was lying to you all this time, YOU didnt feel like you were attractive to her anymore, YOU werent sure if you could ever trust her again.

From my experience, and from some stories I've read on the forums, addicts can be manipulative. They are great at living two lives; one with you/friends family, and one with drugs. Sometimes you look at them and you cant believe its the same person!
This was an unhealthy relationship, and where you are right now at this point in time is exactly where you should be. Think of the negative aspects and think of how that would impact your future with this partner. If you have thought about it while you were in the relationship, that could be a sign. Whether the breakup was mutual or not (feel free to read my thread if you wish), the pain is still excruciatingly terrible. But it's going to be the best "worst pain" of your life because you will love yourself MUCH more. Give it time, don't think of what ifs or whys, and focus on the reality of the relationship and think to yourself " is this really what I wanted for myself?"

HardLessons

Hi Tot

Your Ex has been using powerful mind altering drugs. Use of these drugs re-wires the brain. As time goes on & addiction sets in the brain paths are severly altered. So even if they have periods of sobriety, the brain does not heal quickly from the drug use damage. They will remain altered & numb for a long period of time. Only long term sobriety & true recovery will give the brain a chance to heal. From what I have read there are circumstances of permanent damage which wont heal.


You asked:

"If you don't mind me asking, you say yours is an active addict? How do you deal with knowing that shes using? Because i realize i tried to control the situation and i know i can't control her. She is going to do what she's going to do. But how do you stay with a person who is in active addiction and is going to use despite how you feel about it?"

When I met her I didnt know. From what I know now, she was an addict long before I met her. She was an addict the day I met her. She was an addict the last time I spoke to her mid July of this year.

When I met her all the signs were there. My hind sight is 20 / 20. Back then, I was unable to fit the pieces together. I was in a fog - maybe it was my own arrogance. There came a time when she did confide in me about her ugly past. There came a time when she confided in me concerning her ugly present situation. She pretty much told me everything. Thats when I started reading online. thats when I came to understand her for the truth of what she is. Thats when everything started to make sense. It was a very difficult time for her & I. I was glad she told me the truth. But we struggled badly over it.

I came to understand that I was unable to change her one bit. Her addictions were way too powerful. She did not want to be sober or seek recovery. She did not have a problem - I had the problem.

In the end I had to leave the relationship to save myself. I also wasnt helping her - I was the worst enabler. I enabled her addictions for years. Those addictions got worse. It was ugly.

In my situation & to answer your question - I could not stay with her. It wasnt good for her or me. I had no choice but to end the relationship.

Thanks

Tot

Thanks for all your responses. It helps talking to people who get it. I don’t have a lot of people who I can talk to around here to understand. Even al-anon meetings are sparse...and last time I went I felt like they were judging me or thinking I was so silly and naive. Didn’t make me want to go back. Anyway I’m doing better than I was, I’ve spoken to her, and I try not to talk about her new relationship that’s she’s in or much about our old one. She said this isn’t what she wants...whatever that means. I found out she had a seizure the other day too. She was having them more frequently after she got out of rehab but we thought it was an adverse effect of her Wellbutrin so she got off that and didn’t have any seizures since, but she just had one recently so could that mean that it’s bc of drugs? Like maybe it was never the Wellbutrin? I know us breaking up is for the best, we aren’t even together now but I’m still paranoid and worried about her using.

Frustrated47

Sounds like the same old addict mumbo jumbo.
My ex had been cheating on me with his old boss. There were three specific times I caught him. Friday on Facebook he posted that he was in a relationship meaning with her. Then Saturday he comes over here saying that he missed me and wanted to work things out with me at cetera.

That's even quicker than your 1 week flip flop!

Sounds like more classic manipulation to me. Just wait. As soon as she needs something from you again down the road I'm sure you will get some kind of phone call saying they miss you blah blah blah.

After 2 years of lying, cheating, ripping me off, being abusive, smashing my stuff and putting several holes in the wall, I am so done.

You should be too...

Personally I think it was just because he knew my grandma just came to live with me with a broken hip and knew she would have some kind of narcotic here that he could steal, which he did period two months worth!

Missmac35

How do you stay with them knowing they are actively using? You DONT. My ex addict used to say to me "we got on so great when you didn't know and couldn't tell when I'd used heroin". Like he wishes it was like that again, having his cake and eating it. Except I DID know, I was just in denial like him and was in the early stages of my journey into discovering what life with an addict was like. I thought if I couldn't prove he used 100% then I could tell myself he hadn't. If he could explain why money was missing out the bank then I could believe it wasn't spent on drugs. But the gut instinct was screaming the truth to me but I chose to ignore it. After a couple of years and the progression of the addiction I could ignore no more. He didn't like this so became sneakier or just didn't care and got as wasted as he liked. A cycle that doesn't stop until YOU stop it. Doesn't matter who ends the relationship. As someone said they will always crawl back ful of sorrys and promises when they want something.
I used to worry and worry that he would be dead somewhere or ill and think he was such a helpless victim. I used to put myself last and all the pain and hurt would come bottom to making sure he was ok. Anything to make him feel better to make him stop.
Waste of time. Nothing mattered more to him than drugs ... NOTHING.
We get one life. No one is more important in your life that you. Who is there making sure you're happy? Thinking of you're welfare 24/7? You should be! You deserve to put all that energy into you. These addicts are not sitting thinking about your feelings and how unhappy you are, only of themselves,,, let them get on with it. Save that love for someone who really earns it.
It's a difficult path and I feel your pain, it's unbearable at times when you can see how things could be if only such and such would stop using but the freedom that comes from accepting the situation as it is and letting it be is very liberating.