dejavuwife

I feel like since my AH and I have been separated, I have been steadfast and unwavering--get treatment, stay sober, and we will talk about how to heal this disaster.

HOWEVER, he seems to go up and down. He is going to outpatient. He is going to meetings. BUT he is wanting me to let him in the house after only a couple of weeks sober EVEN AFTER he has agreed it would take longer and sometimes seems to understand why (other times seems to not understand). One day he is fine with this plan; the next day he is just plain angry about it.

Then he acts like I am the one who keeps changing my story. I have been flexible in HOW he gets treatment, but I have not been flexible otherwise. It is so confusing.

Also, he has moments when he acts a little like he did when he was high--not as high as he was, but still. One of my friends said that a meth user can have those moments even when not using for a few weeks after using--is that true?

AnvilheadII

yes.....should he STAY sober, you can expect ups and downs for the first YEAR. at least. recovery is a LONG process.....physically, mentally and spiritually/emotionally. right now he is still much closer to his last use than he is to any meaningful recovery.

Maudcat

Two weeks sober is very early days, dejavu, right?
He wants back in, of-course.
Good that he is getting to meetings and is doing outpatient.
It’s a start.
Good luck.

NClarke2017

Recovery is not linear. There are ups and downs. Stick to your guns and be consistent with what you say.

dejavuwife

I talked with him some, and he is very angry, but at the root of it all is shame. His perception is that our mutual friends see him as a pariah and me as the long-suffering one, and he cannot undo that. It sounds like the realization of this disaster is hitting him.

I don't know how to respond to that other than to say we all have issues, and I am not perfect either. I get how he would feel that way.

How do addicts overcome that big hurdle of realization of what they have done? It just sounds huge to me.

Seren

Time and demonstrated sobriety...which takes time.

If you read in the Newcomers forum, you will find many early recovering addicts and alcoholics ask about how they can fix their reputations. And the answer is always the same.

Time and demonstrated sobriety...which takes time.

hopeful4

I think it's very normal. I would say it's also a good way to monitor where he really is in recovery. Someone who is truly embracing recovery never goes and blames anyone else, or tries to manipulate them, nor do they change from day to day in that manner. The are at 100% acceptance, and if they are not, they have not recovered.

Big hugs.

Sephra

Physical/mental effects from meth can take place up to a year and a half after last usage.

After my meth addict got clean for a month or two, he was in a car where someone was smoking it, and he went full blown psychotic. We figured he was back using even though he swore up and down he hadn't. The drug test at the hospital confirmed he hadn't used.

It was still psychosis, caused by meth. And not fun.

dejavuwife

We are still moving forward AND up and down. I feel like some days he will totally understand my perspective of his substance abuse (it wasn't meth, by the way--I just used that as an example) and other days he is in a totally defensive stance about it.

Actually, today we had a session with a counselor, and for 75% of the session, AH was very defensive and deflecting everything and spending all his time being angry for how I responded/reacted to his addiction.
I finally said something to the effect of, "I might be wrong, but I feel like these feelings of anger and rejection and lack of love you are throwing onto me are really your feelings towards yourself." Then the counselor called him on his defensiveness and then just said that he was going to just stop the session because we weren't getting anywhere (and started to get up to show us the door).

That is when my AH broke down and admitted he had no love for himself inside, and how he was empty and angry at himself.

Yes, it is progress, but he seems to have moments like these and then the defensiveness just comes right back up. Fortunately, it seems to cycle less frequently, but it is still frustrating to hear him completely understand my perspective one minute and why I did what I did, and then the next day he is doing a 180 and accusing me of acting irrationally.

I have a friend who is a former addict--I talked with her today and she said to expect this to go on for a while--that it is terrifying to face what you did when using, and that is why addicts fight that so hard and go up and down so much the first few months of recovery.

Buckling up....

Seren

Recovery isn't for sissy's, that's for sure. I am glad that he continues to seek counseling, at least. Hopefully, the shell will crumble and stay away. You and he will be in my prayers.