How do you bear the losses that keep coming?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Okatz: I understand about helping others...I'm that way too and have been most of my life. We find ourselves at odds with several things, really. We help...but we sometimes realize our help isn't gonna be enough for that person right now, even though we tried. That's like a "loss" and we find ourselves grieving. In certain professions, if we don't find a way and time to let go we will be in perpetual grief and even depressed.
Biologically, I think about the right and the left brain. I tend to be more right brained...but lordy, there are times when I just wish I was more left brained, more clinical....maybe even more cold hearted. Not that I think I should really be cold hearted...but sometimes I feel myself feeling TOO much and wish I could turn off my feelings for a time period if only to let myself recover. Like I say, it's a work in progress for me....and I have caught myself telling my left brain to please "kick in" in certain situations.
I don't know....maybe there are times when "feelings" get in the way? I don't know what I'm trying to say....
Anyways, back to the OP here: dealing with loss. Yes, indeed it can feel heavy and as one looks about their self and the world they may think it's never-ending. I really don't think some societies deal with GRIEF very well, I really don't. People are not given enough TIME for one thing. And, there are messages given out by various people that we should just hurry up and 'get over it'. But, it's not linear. It's not simple, though sometimes I wish it was.....
Biologically, I think about the right and the left brain. I tend to be more right brained...but lordy, there are times when I just wish I was more left brained, more clinical....maybe even more cold hearted. Not that I think I should really be cold hearted...but sometimes I feel myself feeling TOO much and wish I could turn off my feelings for a time period if only to let myself recover. Like I say, it's a work in progress for me....and I have caught myself telling my left brain to please "kick in" in certain situations.
I don't know....maybe there are times when "feelings" get in the way? I don't know what I'm trying to say....
Anyways, back to the OP here: dealing with loss. Yes, indeed it can feel heavy and as one looks about their self and the world they may think it's never-ending. I really don't think some societies deal with GRIEF very well, I really don't. People are not given enough TIME for one thing. And, there are messages given out by various people that we should just hurry up and 'get over it'. But, it's not linear. It's not simple, though sometimes I wish it was.....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
You know what? I think you are right, society doesn't deal with grief very well. Also society doesn't deal with divorce very well. Or marriage. Or anything, really, concerning relationships. I don't want to meet anyone else, but the thought of never hugging anyone to sleep ever again is really upsetting -- there go those feelings that I wish I could make disappear. So inconvenient. No, hugging a pet is not the same as hugging a human. I'm not kissing a dog good-morning. However... my relationship was gradually becoming a one-person show by the time it... blew up. (TMI, but the stress of living with an addict killed my sex drive. Now I get to breathe, there's no one to have sex with. Its not ironic, it's just pathetic).
I wish there was a timeline for these things. Like pregnancy: in 9 months you know that you're going to give birth (more or less). I wish I could say: in 6 months, I will stop feeling so sad and so lonely I could die (figuratively speaking -- yes, I know no one ever died from being alone, not directly anyway). Sometimes I really feel like I'm 80 years old, watching the people I care about succumb to things that they would have survived when they were younger. Gradually I will find myself standing on this island all alone.
I resent it.
I think I've gone off topic here somewhat. I think this post was about how life seems to be about loss, and if you've lost someone to addiction (either because they literally died, or you had to leave them), it's like you're being forced to experience loss early.
I feel simultaneously very old and very young. It's like I'm at a school dance, I'm in middle school. It's way past 9pm and the kids have all paired up and they are slow dancing. I'm standing by the punch waiting for the boy who said he would dance with me. I'm standing there and I know that he's left the party to do something else entirely. Now imagine that this dance is a "forever dance". You can't leave the school gym. You're stuck there, dancing, or standing by the punch and waiting and waiting forever. There is no leaving the party, not really, because outside the gym is nothing but space.
I think my left brain is totally asleep! I find myself wishing that there was a chance that my STBXAH could recover (not just recovering, but RECOVERed), and that we could reunite and live the lives we said we wanted to live. He said a lot of things. I think they were lies. It just shocks me that anyone could lie for as long as he did -- a decade of saying he wanted to live a certain way, but of repeatedly failing and not even trying not to fail. Perhaps he was too weak.
I wish there was a timeline for these things. Like pregnancy: in 9 months you know that you're going to give birth (more or less). I wish I could say: in 6 months, I will stop feeling so sad and so lonely I could die (figuratively speaking -- yes, I know no one ever died from being alone, not directly anyway). Sometimes I really feel like I'm 80 years old, watching the people I care about succumb to things that they would have survived when they were younger. Gradually I will find myself standing on this island all alone.
I resent it.
I think I've gone off topic here somewhat. I think this post was about how life seems to be about loss, and if you've lost someone to addiction (either because they literally died, or you had to leave them), it's like you're being forced to experience loss early.
I feel simultaneously very old and very young. It's like I'm at a school dance, I'm in middle school. It's way past 9pm and the kids have all paired up and they are slow dancing. I'm standing by the punch waiting for the boy who said he would dance with me. I'm standing there and I know that he's left the party to do something else entirely. Now imagine that this dance is a "forever dance". You can't leave the school gym. You're stuck there, dancing, or standing by the punch and waiting and waiting forever. There is no leaving the party, not really, because outside the gym is nothing but space.
I think my left brain is totally asleep! I find myself wishing that there was a chance that my STBXAH could recover (not just recovering, but RECOVERed), and that we could reunite and live the lives we said we wanted to live. He said a lot of things. I think they were lies. It just shocks me that anyone could lie for as long as he did -- a decade of saying he wanted to live a certain way, but of repeatedly failing and not even trying not to fail. Perhaps he was too weak.
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 
Okatz: I understand about helping others...I'm that way too and have been most of my life. We find ourselves at odds with several things, really. We help...but we sometimes realize our help isn't gonna be enough for that person right now, even though we tried. That's like a "loss" and we find ourselves grieving. In certain professions, if we don't find a way and time to let go we will be in perpetual grief and even depressed.
Biologically, I think about the right and the left brain. I tend to be more right brained...but lordy, there are times when I just wish I was more left brained, more clinical....maybe even more cold hearted. Not that I think I should really be cold hearted...but sometimes I feel myself feeling TOO much and wish I could turn off my feelings for a time period if only to let myself recover. Like I say, it's a work in progress for me....and I have caught myself telling my left brain to please "kick in" in certain situations.
I don't know....maybe there are times when "feelings" get in the way? I don't know what I'm trying to say....
Anyways, back to the OP here: dealing with loss. Yes, indeed it can feel heavy and as one looks about their self and the world they may think it's never-ending. I really don't think some societies deal with GRIEF very well, I really don't. People are not given enough TIME for one thing. And, there are messages given out by various people that we should just hurry up and 'get over it'. But, it's not linear. It's not simple, though sometimes I wish it was.....
Biologically, I think about the right and the left brain. I tend to be more right brained...but lordy, there are times when I just wish I was more left brained, more clinical....maybe even more cold hearted. Not that I think I should really be cold hearted...but sometimes I feel myself feeling TOO much and wish I could turn off my feelings for a time period if only to let myself recover. Like I say, it's a work in progress for me....and I have caught myself telling my left brain to please "kick in" in certain situations.
I don't know....maybe there are times when "feelings" get in the way? I don't know what I'm trying to say....
Anyways, back to the OP here: dealing with loss. Yes, indeed it can feel heavy and as one looks about their self and the world they may think it's never-ending. I really don't think some societies deal with GRIEF very well, I really don't. People are not given enough TIME for one thing. And, there are messages given out by various people that we should just hurry up and 'get over it'. But, it's not linear. It's not simple, though sometimes I wish it was.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Well, I'm in a people helping profession, you see. What Sylvie said about learning that I have codependent behaviors and everything that entails make sense. I tried to help my ex. I am going to need to help my aging parents. I help people at work. It's like there was a bucket of "help" and my ex drank it all so there is now no "help" left for other people, sometimes including me. I find myself wanting to run away from stressful situations these days.
I agree with what you said about boundaries. I had a situation recently where a child I was working with, who has a mental health issue (depression... also family neglect), said that his "goal" in life was to do lots and lots of drugs... and he's already started doing this because his "friends" are older teens and skeezy adults. I can't even... arugh! I did everything I could in this situation -- alerted the right people, tried to get him the right help. In the end they all said, "we can't do anything, he's just going to be what he is going to be." The kid is 12.
So there's that -- that's work. There's also home, which is stressful. I might have to retrain for another type of work. I mean, I love this work that I do, but I might have to retrain if I can't handle the stress.
I agree with what you said about boundaries. I had a situation recently where a child I was working with, who has a mental health issue (depression... also family neglect), said that his "goal" in life was to do lots and lots of drugs... and he's already started doing this because his "friends" are older teens and skeezy adults. I can't even... arugh! I did everything I could in this situation -- alerted the right people, tried to get him the right help. In the end they all said, "we can't do anything, he's just going to be what he is going to be." The kid is 12.
So there's that -- that's work. There's also home, which is stressful. I might have to retrain for another type of work. I mean, I love this work that I do, but I might have to retrain if I can't handle the stress.
What do you do for fun?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I don't know. What do I do for fun? I don't know the answer to that. The longer my relationship went on, the more I lost myself until I really didn't know who I was anymore or if there was any point to my existence except to look after someone I didn't want to look after, who was constantly depleting my emotional, financial, and physical resources. I guess I am trying to figure out me now.
Originally Posted by Soulful
How much time do you dedicate to take care of yourself? I used to beat myself up for always taking care of others, considering that a weakness. I realized it's not. I also realized that I should also include myself in that list of "taking care of people" and I should put myself at the top. The moment I started doing that, taking care of others didn't seem to drain my energy anymore.
What do you do for fun?
What do you do for fun?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I wish there was a timeline for these things. Like pregnancy: in 9 months you know that you're going to give birth (more or less). I wish I could say: in 6 months, I will stop feeling so sad and so lonely I could die .
I got with my x when I was young, and spent over half my life with him before we divorced. It was the only life I knew. I know that this is going to sound like empty words...but I promise you they are not. Its "time". How much time? time.
You WILL heal from this. You will not always feel the way you do now. You have gotten yourself out of a bad situation, and that opens the door for a good one.
After I was divorced, and time had passed, (I thought I had healed. But had not) I started to date. I thought, hey, its what people are supposed to do. I have to move on. Blah blah blah. Grief (and what you are experiencing IS grief) has its own time table. We beat ourselves up cause we think we should be able to move forward quicker.
For the first year and a half I was in shock after my divorce. You know what? The anger stage hit like 5 years later. 5 YEARS! I thought I was over it. Bang. Now.... closer to 15-20 years after the divorce I am definitely finally over ALL of it. (Not saying they were 15-20 years of awfulness, just that I wasn't FULLY healed.) It has its own time table. It will work itself on its own. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if your faking it. And be gentle with yourself. You are perfect the way you are. I don't think you will end up alone and miserable no matter what your age is right now. (I gave up on dating after I had restarted and resigned myself to be alone. Couple years later when I was happy being on my own, I fell in love again and have been together over a decade now.)
Time. (thats your answer) how much time? more time. for now. (It really does heal all wounds, but man I hate hearing that phrase when I am hurting.)
I got with my x when I was young, and spent over half my life with him before we divorced. It was the only life I knew. I know that this is going to sound like empty words...but I promise you they are not. Its "time". How much time? time.
You WILL heal from this. You will not always feel the way you do now. You have gotten yourself out of a bad situation, and that opens the door for a good one.
After I was divorced, and time had passed, (I thought I had healed. But had not) I started to date. I thought, hey, its what people are supposed to do. I have to move on. Blah blah blah. Grief (and what you are experiencing IS grief) has its own time table. We beat ourselves up cause we think we should be able to move forward quicker.
For the first year and a half I was in shock after my divorce. You know what? The anger stage hit like 5 years later. 5 YEARS! I thought I was over it. Bang. Now.... closer to 15-20 years after the divorce I am definitely finally over ALL of it. (Not saying they were 15-20 years of awfulness, just that I wasn't FULLY healed.) It has its own time table. It will work itself on its own. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if your faking it. And be gentle with yourself. You are perfect the way you are. I don't think you will end up alone and miserable no matter what your age is right now. (I gave up on dating after I had restarted and resigned myself to be alone. Couple years later when I was happy being on my own, I fell in love again and have been together over a decade now.)
Time. (thats your answer) how much time? more time. for now. (It really does heal all wounds, but man I hate hearing that phrase when I am hurting.)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
I don't know. What do I do for fun? I don't know the answer to that. The longer my relationship went on, the more I lost myself until I really didn't know who I was anymore or if there was any point to my existence except to look after someone I didn't want to look after, who was constantly depleting my emotional, financial, and physical resources. I guess I am trying to figure out me now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
You know what? I think you are right, society doesn't deal with grief very well. Also society doesn't deal with divorce very well. Or marriage. Or anything, really, concerning relationships. I don't want to meet anyone else, but the thought of never hugging anyone to sleep ever again is really upsetting -- there go those feelings that I wish I could make disappear. So inconvenient. No, hugging a pet is not the same as hugging a human. I'm not kissing a dog good-morning. However... my relationship was gradually becoming a one-person show by the time it... blew up. (TMI, but the stress of living with an addict killed my sex drive. Now I get to breathe, there's no one to have sex with. Its not ironic, it's just pathetic).
I wish there was a timeline for these things. Like pregnancy: in 9 months you know that you're going to give birth (more or less). I wish I could say: in 6 months, I will stop feeling so sad and so lonely I could die (figuratively speaking -- yes, I know no one ever died from being alone, not directly anyway). Sometimes I really feel like I'm 80 years old, watching the people I care about succumb to things that they would have survived when they were younger. Gradually I will find myself standing on this island all alone.
I resent it.
I think I've gone off topic here somewhat. I think this post was about how life seems to be about loss, and if you've lost someone to addiction (either because they literally died, or you had to leave them), it's like you're being forced to experience loss early.
I feel simultaneously very old and very young. It's like I'm at a school dance, I'm in middle school. It's way past 9pm and the kids have all paired up and they are slow dancing. I'm standing by the punch waiting for the boy who said he would dance with me. I'm standing there and I know that he's left the party to do something else entirely. Now imagine that this dance is a "forever dance". You can't leave the school gym. You're stuck there, dancing, or standing by the punch and waiting and waiting forever. There is no leaving the party, not really, because outside the gym is nothing but space.
I think my left brain is totally asleep! I find myself wishing that there was a chance that my STBXAH could recover (not just recovering, but RECOVERed), and that we could reunite and live the lives we said we wanted to live. He said a lot of things. I think they were lies. It just shocks me that anyone could lie for as long as he did -- a decade of saying he wanted to live a certain way, but of repeatedly failing and not even trying not to fail. Perhaps he was too weak.
I wish there was a timeline for these things. Like pregnancy: in 9 months you know that you're going to give birth (more or less). I wish I could say: in 6 months, I will stop feeling so sad and so lonely I could die (figuratively speaking -- yes, I know no one ever died from being alone, not directly anyway). Sometimes I really feel like I'm 80 years old, watching the people I care about succumb to things that they would have survived when they were younger. Gradually I will find myself standing on this island all alone.
I resent it.
I think I've gone off topic here somewhat. I think this post was about how life seems to be about loss, and if you've lost someone to addiction (either because they literally died, or you had to leave them), it's like you're being forced to experience loss early.
I feel simultaneously very old and very young. It's like I'm at a school dance, I'm in middle school. It's way past 9pm and the kids have all paired up and they are slow dancing. I'm standing by the punch waiting for the boy who said he would dance with me. I'm standing there and I know that he's left the party to do something else entirely. Now imagine that this dance is a "forever dance". You can't leave the school gym. You're stuck there, dancing, or standing by the punch and waiting and waiting forever. There is no leaving the party, not really, because outside the gym is nothing but space.
I think my left brain is totally asleep! I find myself wishing that there was a chance that my STBXAH could recover (not just recovering, but RECOVERed), and that we could reunite and live the lives we said we wanted to live. He said a lot of things. I think they were lies. It just shocks me that anyone could lie for as long as he did -- a decade of saying he wanted to live a certain way, but of repeatedly failing and not even trying not to fail. Perhaps he was too weak.
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