Hello, Jail
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Hello, Jail
Oye vey! Registering a user name is no small feat! Everything was taken or had unacceptable characters (which was really strange because I only used alpha characters), so finally I typed in GreenChair because I'm sitting on one. Eureka, I'm in!
I've been reading these posts for quite a while and have gotten some great information. Thank you all for sharing so openly and honestly.
I decided to post tonight because I'm struggling terribly with something. My son is clean; has been for several months. I won't say he's recovered because I think recovery is a life long (or at least long) process. But he's doing great since July. He had a very bad spring. Without belaboring the point and boring people, he ended up homeless. During that time, I had no idea he was homeless, I thought he was living with a friend. During this period he was panhandling and shoplifting. He was caught once, wrist slapped.
He came home in July and has been amazing. Working hard, being grateful for the roof over his head, attending 12 step meetings.
However, a month ago he was arrested for a second shoplifting incident that occurred during the homeless stage, five months ago. The police just had figured out who he was, apparently. Now, because it's a second offense they've got him in jail for two months.
He's in county, and he's doing ok. He's reading a lot and keeping under the radar, friendly with others in his pod. However, the store's security guard claimed to have been injured (honest to God the injury is a "scratch on her arm" when she tried to stop him from leaving the store; therefore he is branded "dangerous" and is in with violent criminals. Many of the people he's with are awaiting trial for aggravated assault, gun matters, armed robbery, even murder.
Even the corrections officers have commented to him that they don't understand why he is housed in this particular pod, and that he could call his lawyer, have her request he be transferred, or he can request. He feels, however, that he's been there for nearly a month, knows who's who and is relatively comfortable. They leave him alone, no one touches his things. He'd rather finish up where he is than to be "new guy" in another area, even if it's lower security.
He assures me time and again that he's ok. I accept that he's in jail. I accept he's there for 60 days. I accept all of it. I even understand why he'd rather stay put than move.
But I am worried out of my mind because of WHERE he is in the jail. I'm NOT happy that he's with gang members. The other day when we were on the phone, a fight broke out in the day room and he said "gotta go". Later he told me that he just hung up the phone and went to his bed and read his book. I'm so worried about the potential for violence.
He's using his time well, reading, reflecting. He asked me to set up an appointment with his former therapist for when he gets out. I'm proud of the way he is handling this.
I am being very philosophical and positive about this. This shows him that because of his history, no one is going to be inclined to give him a break and he says this gives him more resolve than ever to lead a good life. ("I'm not even getting a parking ticket once I get out of here."_)
But the next 5 weeks can't go by fast enough for me!
Anyone else have experience with this?
I've been reading these posts for quite a while and have gotten some great information. Thank you all for sharing so openly and honestly.
I decided to post tonight because I'm struggling terribly with something. My son is clean; has been for several months. I won't say he's recovered because I think recovery is a life long (or at least long) process. But he's doing great since July. He had a very bad spring. Without belaboring the point and boring people, he ended up homeless. During that time, I had no idea he was homeless, I thought he was living with a friend. During this period he was panhandling and shoplifting. He was caught once, wrist slapped.
He came home in July and has been amazing. Working hard, being grateful for the roof over his head, attending 12 step meetings.
However, a month ago he was arrested for a second shoplifting incident that occurred during the homeless stage, five months ago. The police just had figured out who he was, apparently. Now, because it's a second offense they've got him in jail for two months.
He's in county, and he's doing ok. He's reading a lot and keeping under the radar, friendly with others in his pod. However, the store's security guard claimed to have been injured (honest to God the injury is a "scratch on her arm" when she tried to stop him from leaving the store; therefore he is branded "dangerous" and is in with violent criminals. Many of the people he's with are awaiting trial for aggravated assault, gun matters, armed robbery, even murder.
Even the corrections officers have commented to him that they don't understand why he is housed in this particular pod, and that he could call his lawyer, have her request he be transferred, or he can request. He feels, however, that he's been there for nearly a month, knows who's who and is relatively comfortable. They leave him alone, no one touches his things. He'd rather finish up where he is than to be "new guy" in another area, even if it's lower security.
He assures me time and again that he's ok. I accept that he's in jail. I accept he's there for 60 days. I accept all of it. I even understand why he'd rather stay put than move.
But I am worried out of my mind because of WHERE he is in the jail. I'm NOT happy that he's with gang members. The other day when we were on the phone, a fight broke out in the day room and he said "gotta go". Later he told me that he just hung up the phone and went to his bed and read his book. I'm so worried about the potential for violence.
He's using his time well, reading, reflecting. He asked me to set up an appointment with his former therapist for when he gets out. I'm proud of the way he is handling this.
I am being very philosophical and positive about this. This shows him that because of his history, no one is going to be inclined to give him a break and he says this gives him more resolve than ever to lead a good life. ("I'm not even getting a parking ticket once I get out of here."_)
But the next 5 weeks can't go by fast enough for me!
Anyone else have experience with this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too think he is showing that he can be both responsible and accepting of the consequences of his actions.
If HE wanted a lawyer, then I would maybe consider it but quite framkly I think he's doing very well right where he is.
I'm a mama of an adult addict son too and know your worry, but sometimes we have to just sit back and leave all this between God and our sons.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
If HE wanted a lawyer, then I would maybe consider it but quite framkly I think he's doing very well right where he is.
I'm a mama of an adult addict son too and know your worry, but sometimes we have to just sit back and leave all this between God and our sons.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't have experience with this, however, I want to welcome you to SR! Some other people will jump in today as well I am sure.
I think it's time to give him enough credit that if things were horrible for him where he is, he would be smart enough to go ahead and be moved. This is an experience for him, and it sounds like he is doing all he can to improve his own life, which is excellent. I would simply see this as a part of the road he has to travel to reach his destination of recovery.
Big hugs mom!
I think it's time to give him enough credit that if things were horrible for him where he is, he would be smart enough to go ahead and be moved. This is an experience for him, and it sounds like he is doing all he can to improve his own life, which is excellent. I would simply see this as a part of the road he has to travel to reach his destination of recovery.
Big hugs mom!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Being a mom to adults is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. *sigh*
It's really hard to just sit back and watch their lives unfold when we can so clearly see what they should do, (or what we could do) to make things better for them. *sigh*
I've learned that I just have to step back and let them do their things and take their lumps ... but I haven't figured out how not to worry or hurt for them when bad stuff happens.
Your son seems strong in his resolve and as though he is making sound decisions. It seems like he is taking responsibility and making positive changes to turn his life around.
I am sure you are proud of this progress, and you should be! I know it's hard but try to trust that he is continuing to make the right choices about where he is right now, both physically and mentally.
I wish I had advise on how not to worry over your adult child. If someone gives you that advice or you get it figured out, could you please pass that info on to me!!!!
Big hugs for you, from one mama to another.
It's really hard to just sit back and watch their lives unfold when we can so clearly see what they should do, (or what we could do) to make things better for them. *sigh*
I've learned that I just have to step back and let them do their things and take their lumps ... but I haven't figured out how not to worry or hurt for them when bad stuff happens.
Your son seems strong in his resolve and as though he is making sound decisions. It seems like he is taking responsibility and making positive changes to turn his life around.
I am sure you are proud of this progress, and you should be! I know it's hard but try to trust that he is continuing to make the right choices about where he is right now, both physically and mentally.
I wish I had advise on how not to worry over your adult child. If someone gives you that advice or you get it figured out, could you please pass that info on to me!!!!
Big hugs for you, from one mama to another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Thanks for the replies. I do have a therapist. I never would have made it through the past few years about her. She's been terrific. I am a worrier, always have been. I simply can't get it out of my mind that he's housed with people who have been accused of seriously violent crimes and/or have been found guilty of and are waiting for transport to prison from county jail. So scared every day, until he calls and I know he's ok for another day. We live in the NYC area and he's housed in an inner city complex. I won't even go visit him in the evening alone. Too much goes on in the neighborhood, even though the sheriff's office and county courthouse are right there. It's fine daytime with all the court staff, attorneys, jurors, etc..., but after dark, no way. If anyone has advice on how to relax or focus away from these "what ifs" of where he is, I'd be appreciative. I'm also appreciative of the comments you've made and the well wishes. thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have been practicing meditation as a way to calm myself down. There are some meditation apps you can use on your smart phone even. I also think distraction helps immensely. I too am a worrier by nature, so when things hit a peak for me, I know I have to throw myself into a project.
Maybe develop a list of plans to have for when things get the most stressed for you? Coming here to SR has also been life changing and life saving for me. I hope it benefits you as well!
Maybe develop a list of plans to have for when things get the most stressed for you? Coming here to SR has also been life changing and life saving for me. I hope it benefits you as well!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello greenchair and welcome! My son has been in jail several times and has found ways to survive. Your son sounds FINE and he seems to have a plan to survive. In jail, many people can adapt as long as they stay above the drama and infighting and follow the rules. The time will go by very fast and your son will learn an invaluable lesson to avoid these things in the future. keep this in mind when you worry: your son was homeless and most likely in much more danger on the streets than he is in jail. Hang in there, we are all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Sounds like he has this Mom. Look I'm a parent I get youre scared but he sounds ok. I hope they offer meetings at the county. We do in NY.
Maybe you need meeting yourself. F2F is always best. I find when I go in real life it's more therapeutic for me.
Have faith your son can do this. I do! I dont see how old your son is. Hopefully he's on the other side of this. It's his choice hold him to a high standard. If he is doing something you dont like. Dont except it.
Maybe you need meeting yourself. F2F is always best. I find when I go in real life it's more therapeutic for me.
Have faith your son can do this. I do! I dont see how old your son is. Hopefully he's on the other side of this. It's his choice hold him to a high standard. If he is doing something you dont like. Dont except it.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 43
I am so sorry to hear of your sons situation.
When my son was 18 he got into the wrong crowd, ended up robbing a bank. Got a 7 year sentence. I also had a little girl die at the age of 6, I will say that having my son in prison is way harder than losing my daughter. He’s almost done with his sentence, he’s grown up a lot, been housed with some very violent men, he’s seen things people should never see. He will say “I did this to myself” my counselor gave me some advice that has helped me the most, she said, “everyone has their own path to walk in life” it set me free. We have a good relationship, he calls weekly, I try and support him and encourage him. He’s been beat up a few times, that’s so hard for me to hear but realize these are the hard knocks when you make bad decisions. I told him in the beginning that we get to make whatever decisions we want in life, unfortunately we don’t get to choose the consequences. He has made a few good friends in prison, there are many many good men in prison who have made bad decisions.
This time will go quickly and hopefully he is learning what he needs to learn.
I empathize with you.
When my son was 18 he got into the wrong crowd, ended up robbing a bank. Got a 7 year sentence. I also had a little girl die at the age of 6, I will say that having my son in prison is way harder than losing my daughter. He’s almost done with his sentence, he’s grown up a lot, been housed with some very violent men, he’s seen things people should never see. He will say “I did this to myself” my counselor gave me some advice that has helped me the most, she said, “everyone has their own path to walk in life” it set me free. We have a good relationship, he calls weekly, I try and support him and encourage him. He’s been beat up a few times, that’s so hard for me to hear but realize these are the hard knocks when you make bad decisions. I told him in the beginning that we get to make whatever decisions we want in life, unfortunately we don’t get to choose the consequences. He has made a few good friends in prison, there are many many good men in prison who have made bad decisions.
This time will go quickly and hopefully he is learning what he needs to learn.
I empathize with you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Geddy Lee of Rush once described jail as (paraphrasing) the House of Bad Decisions. And this observation is not meant to belittle nor invalidate your anxiety regarding your son's situation. When people start on a road that involves drugs, that road often leads to the clink. But as bad as that is, it's still preferable to death.
Do your best to take care of you. Accept that there's little you can do to help him for some time. Do as much self care as possible. And you'll get through this fine...
Do your best to take care of you. Accept that there's little you can do to help him for some time. Do as much self care as possible. And you'll get through this fine...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Take extra good care of yourself - and whenever you think scary thoughts, "switch the channel" - go or do something that absorbs your mind - if at night, start at the beginning of your life, and make a point to remember all of the good and fun things that have happened to you.
Your son sounds like he is handling things fine.
Trust.
Your son sounds like he is handling things fine.
Trust.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 178
Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm doing better with the whole situation. He has adapted ok, has some "friends", makes his food trades, etc. I keep sending him books so he always has something to do. I was very scared about violence but he has reassured me many times that he's ok, and was actually more afraid when he was addicted and homeless at times.
But tomorrow is Thanksgiving. That's going to be so difficult. My heart and hugs and prayers to everyone who is missing a loved one, whatever your reason, this holiday.
But tomorrow is Thanksgiving. That's going to be so difficult. My heart and hugs and prayers to everyone who is missing a loved one, whatever your reason, this holiday.
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