SadEx

So I have posted before. Just as I was getting on with my life and about to date someone else, my ex was back texting saying he loved me etc. We have been seeing each other usually once a week. However I seem to be kept a secret from his family. He makes excuses if I want to call to the family home where he is staying. Why would he not want to tell anyone about me? I understand recovery is not easy but it seems like he makes the bare minimum effort to keep around. I have told him exactly what I want but I actually feel used - for sex. Although he is very loving when we are together. Why can't he just let me go if he does not want me? I have no problem getting dates.

Ariesagain

My guess us he’s blamed all of his addiction and other problems on being with you to get his family to enable him. So if they found out he’s seeing you...he might be held dunno, ACCOUNTABLE for his life.

If you feel used...you’re being used. Trust your gut.

Sending you a hug.

Ann

I agree.

Perhaps he doesn't let go because he doesn't have to? Maybe it's time to think about what "you" want, what is best for your life, just as it is right now and not "if only" or "maybe if he got clean". You can let go any time you want.

Take care of yourself girl. And take your time before you date. It may be a good time to just find your balance and just get comfortable being by yourself. You may be amazed how freeing it can be if you focus on yourself and what you want from life, and make new dreams for your future.

AnvilheadII

Why can't he just let me go if he does not want me? I have no problem getting dates.

hmmm, there's a lot in and around those two sentences.

first off, why are you waiting for HIM to decide if he is going to "let you go" or if he "does not want" you? where is your own decision making and choice in this? you aren't a prize or a possession, you are a human being with value and worth.

secondly, there is more to life than moving on to the next guy, or series of guys. in fact a bit more time spent UNinvolved can go a long way to developing a strong sense of self, of boundaries, and achieving a better perspective on the nature and purpose of relationships. it's not a competition. getting dates doesn't make us better than or raise our stock price.

SadEx

I always got on great with his family. They also really liked me. While in residential I spoke to his mother every day. So I was definitely not being blamed. But yes I do feel used. He is doing very well at the moment so I can't understand why he is keeping me away or keeping me a secret. I told him how I felt today and now he said he does not know if he will come see me this week. No explanation or answers but I guess actions speak louder then words.

Maudcat

Hi, SadEx.
maybe he has more than one girlfriend?
Just a thought.
Have to agree with other posters.
You are doing things on his terms, when he wants.
He is currently sober, yes?
I think it is a characteristic of addicts, even non using ones, to keep the men or women who love them in their—the addict’s—orbit.
They like having friendlies that they can lean on when necessary.
Or go to for sex.
You really don’t need this man in your life, regardless of how loving he is when you are together.
Good luck.

SadEx

Yes, I agree with you. I don't think there is anyone else as otherwise he would not need me for sex but there is definitely some reason I am being kept at arms lenght. I wish I knew why.

I don't even know how to break free. I don't know where to start. He seldom even answers the phone to me and only answers messages when it suits him but it seems like the minute I try to move on he is back

AnvilheadII

not to sound simplistic, but quit calling him, texting him, answering his texts. DONE. it's not NEARLY as hard as people want to make it out to be.....

SadEx

Yep you are right. I just feel awful about it as he is in my life a long time

teatreeoil007

Sounds like he is calling the shots and jerking you around...you talk to him honestly about what is bothering you and he responds by not seeing you (as punishment)and witholding affection. That's not a good sign.

How is he doing in his recovery? Maybe he does blame you, maybe not. If he won't talk about stuff openly and honestly you may never know. He could still very well want you in his life and likes having sex with you, but he wants to do it his way.....and you may start to resent him for putting his needs first.

Think about what you really need from a relationship.

Maudcat

How do you take back your power?
I journal. Somehow journalling in longhand, not the computer, unlocks my brain and brings clarity.
I come to understandings about things that normally are a messy yarn ball in my head.
You had mentioned earlier that he was saying he might not come visit this week.
Go with that.
Don’t text, “are you coming?”
Let it be.
Turn off the phone, maybe.
Distance and no contact brings clarity.

NClarke2017

I agree with Maudcat. I think you need to find an activity that is solely yours, a fun and productive distraction - like jogging, hiking, painting. If you like writing, do that. Journaling can be very cathartic. I also agree with the advice to disconnect from your phone etc to avoid checking it to see if he's reaching out to you.

SadEx

Thank you for your replies. This morning I feel absolutely awful. Why does he have to treat me so badly. I feel like a puppet on a string. I will probably get the cold shoulder now anyhow just for honestly saying how I feel. I was told I was sulking when in reality I was trying to tell him how I feel. It is very hard to get clarity because as soon as I try to move on he is back in touch.

In terms of hobbies etc it is very difficult due to my family circumstances. How do you tell someone to stop messing you around without them refusing to talk to you for a week? He only recently added me onto social media but that was only because I insisted. He is doing well in his recovery but told me he is not going to his meeting this week. He could be lying about that though as I happen to live 10 minutes away from the meeting and he would then have no excuse not to come over.

HardLessons

Hi SadEx

The bottom line here (its the same bottom line for me) - the madness stops when YOU say it stops. By leaving the door open, you are inviting this circus into your life. Just close the door& stop the madness. From there you obviously have work to do on yourself.

I did exactly what I said above. I know its not easy to do.

Thanks

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry he treats you so badly, but I think a more important question would be for you to ask yourself, " Why do I allow myself to be treated like this? "

You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like trash.

SadEx

I guess I love him but that should not give him a free card to treat me like trash. I feel really horrible today. He texted earlier to say he does not want to be with anyone right now. I don't know if he means that as in today as he was supposed to come up or that he means he does not want me in his life.

But as soon as I try to move on he will be back.

SmallButMighty

You know you have a choice about this.... right?

You can chose to not allow his chaos into your life.

SadEx

I know but it is very hard. I would love to know why he does this? Why can't he just let me go if he does not want me. Why does he keep coming back?

I guess I will never know & I do need clarity. Right now I can't think straight

atalose

Because you let him.

I’m not seeing anything loving from him towards you at all. And you are correct, just because you love him, that doesn’t give him a free card to treat you like trash but the fact is YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

This is not about him or his recovery or not recovering this is all about you, your self-esteem and your self-worth.

But as soon as I try to move on he will be back.

Only if you let him…………….

AnvilheadII

men like him feed off the fact that they can treat some of the women in their lives like crap and they still hang around. that feeds HIS ego. the ONLY way to stop the pattern is to remove yourself from the situation, permanently.

we teach people how to treat us. you have taught him he can pretty much get away with anything, and you'll still be there. it's not a very pretty picture is it?

don't be that person anymore. STOP today. love yourself. what ever you think you feel for him, i'm sorry, but it is not LOVE. it's need or attraction or something else. you've clearly described what he is after when he comes back around. don't be that person anymore.