mytoxicmarriage

Anyone who finally pulled the plug on being married to an alcoholic...how did you KNOW it was time? We have 4 kids together and I feel like he has more to lose than me and even though at times I can't stand him I don't want to ruin him and I feel like that is what I'm going to be doing. He is adamant that he doesn't have a problem but it's gone on for years. The night we discussed that we both think it's time to divorce he got super drunk and left me and the kids all letters on the couch (where he sleeps)...luckily he has sent my best friend a picture of 4 pill bottles of pills he was planning to take and she called me first thing that morning. I found the notes before the kids saw them thank goodness. He would never want to do that to our kids so that Just reinforces my claim that his drinking IS A PROBLEM. He had to be WASTED to risk having the kids find his suicide notes he had written us all. I feel a weird sense of relief to think of divorce but I am also really sad that we won't be a family as well as worried about how he will fare on his own bc I know in my heart he is sick. But if he doesn't want help or won't even admit he has a problem I feel our marriage is a lost cause and I have no reason to stay in it and go thru the emotional abuse his drinking causes me. Just wondering how people decide it's time to leave their alcoholic spouse and not look back. 😥

OpheliaKatz

I'm just going to answer this based on my personal experience, so it may not be the right answer. I did not know when it was "time". It just... happened. It was a matter of safety that I had to get out of the relationship -- my safety. I let the situation go on for so long, and tried to help for so long, that by the time it became dangerous for both of us (and everyone in the family), there was more chance that my AH would survive on the streets than if he were in the house drugging himself to death -- at least on the streets, he would find it hard to keep his addiction a secret, he would have to have some money set aside for food, shelter, etc... instead of spending it all on drugs. I would advise against letting it go that far, and that you are already thinking of divorce is actually quite healthy. I don't think you can do anything about his choices (to drink/drug, not to drink/drug, to kill himself or not -- his choices, you have no control... you also have no control over his effect on the kids), but you can remove yourself and your children from the situation and save yourself. I am so sorry it has come to this.

I've had to accept that I would never get closure from my addict -- this was the hardest thing to accept. I just have to accept that he is what he is, and live my life. I wish you strength.

hopeful4

When the pain of staying became more than the pain of leaving. Addiction is progressive, so it will continue to get worse and worse, as you are seeing now. It's horrible, and the hurt that it does/will do to your children is the worst thing ever. I encourage you to get protections in place for your children so he is not able to have them when he is under the influence. If he is not willing to get help, he is not willing to get help.

Put your children first, no matter what.

Ariesagain

If he was serious, he wouldn’t have sent YOUR best friend the photo of the pill bottles. It sounds like a big self-pity drama...booze is good at that.

But it’s clear he’s past the point of caring about whether your kids are traumatized...maybe that’s the point where enough is enough?

If he threatens suicide again, call 911. If he’s serious he needs mental health professionals involved and if it’s just a ploy it will call him on it.

I’m sorry you and your children are going through this.

Gemini1967

I had to leave for my sanity and for my children's saftey. Both mental and physical. My son deserved to live with out the chaos of an alcoholic home. I thought my XAH would be destroyed without us but he just used it as an excuse to drink more. Ended up divorcing me and marrying an enabler. Sadly I still loved him so very much. I started drinking a bit to cope. Guess where that led! But we are fine now and our life is so much better with no alcohol in it. My son is happy and safe. I guess there comes a point when you cant live with the insanity anymore . good luck. X

teatreeoil007

Regardless of what he's adamant about, you know what you know...you've lived with it for years. I personally believe any suicide threats, letters, or indicators need to be taken highly serious, even though he may have been wasted before writing those letters...it's still very serious and he needs professional help. I worry about you and your kids' safety too. You've got to protect them and protect yourself. We're always here and sending you a big hug.