incomprehesible

I posted here a few months ago, after I discovered heavy cocaine and other substance abuse, as well as infidelity by my (now ex) boyfriend back in February this year. I found a lot of support and information on this site (thank you everyone).

I left him very swiftly and moved back into my own apartment. Since then, other than a 2 week “glitch” about 3 months ago where I started communicating with him after he persistently tried to get back in touch (we met a few times to talk, but I didn’t really feel like he was taking conversations with me seriously enough and his actions weren’t really displaying enough of an effort), he remains completely blocked from my life, as I know I need to move on for my own happiness.

I have firmly established that my future is better without him and have done absolutely everything I can to move on from the pain caused and keeping busy (including getting fit, taking up new sports, spending time with friends and family, going on holidays, learning to meditate, living healthily and some therapy). I have taken every bit of experienced advice seriously and have (mostly) followed it to the letter (I can’t control it, it is what it is, I can only look after myself, actions speak louder than words, etc).

I have looked back over the relationship which, before the discovery of drugs and his spiralling out of control I thought was wonderful, but in hindsight (what a great thing), I now understand that there’d been a lot of manipulation and covert emotional abuse from him from very early on in the relationship. The drugs played a part in it, but as tough as it is, in addition, I had to accept that he simply isn’t a good man (I now know he has repeated history a few times).

I know very well that there was nothing I could have done differently to save the relationship or make him “better”; I know my future has to be and is one without him. I am incredibly lucky to live a fantastic life, so I just don’t understand why I still struggle emotionally so often and why he continues to consume quite a lot of my thoughts, when it’s clear that that’s just wasted mental energy. It is getting better, but so incredibly slowly, I am beginning to question if I am on the right track, if there’s anything else I should be doing, if I am simply being ungrateful and impatient, or if this is “normal”?

In fact – writing this has somewhat helped.

Thank you all for reading. x

HardLessons

Hi Incomprehensible

I don't really have advice for you. But just wanted to say that I am in the same boat as you. I have the same types of feelings. You are not alone having these types of feeling.

I have accepted that I am not going to heal quickly from my experience. I have accepted that its going to be a bumpy road which has some twists & turns.

I wish you peace for what you are dealing with.

Thanks

Maudcat

Hi, incomp.
You sound really good.
I think it takes time to get beyond a breakup, especially if you were heavily invested emotionally in it.
Just keep taking the next step. Stay positive.
Time heals.

Girl1101

I agree time does heal. But just try not to contact him or meet him again, because you will find yourself back to square 1.
I think you are doing great being positive and staying active and trying new things. That should help a lot with the healing.

incomprehesible

Thank you all so much for your support and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to post this reply!
In fact, immediately after I posted, I felt better and felt confident that I was on the right track.
HardLessons, thank you for your your compassion and for telling me that I am not alone in feeling this way. I have read your thread but have not yet had the time to respond to it fully - I want to, at this point, extend a huge great big hug for now and send you all the strength I can.
Maudcat, your words helped me a lot a few months ago, and once again they did, you truly rock!
Girl1101, I have also read your threads, how are you doing now? Please be assured that my ex is firmly blocked from all methods of contact and social media, so he can't get in touch with me and shouldn't really have any idea of what I am doing. Technology makes these things so much harder nowadays though, I noticed this in your thread, is it still causing you trouble?

Thank you all again x

atalose

All of those things you have discovered about yourself from this relationship that needs attending to will allow you to move forward in life making better choices in who you give your emotional energy to and more importantly receive positive emotions back. I think when we are ready for someone healthy to arrive in our lives, they will. It’s when we go looking for what we think we need and what makes us feel better is when we rush into yet another kind of toxic relationship, maybe not with a drug addict but someone similar, someone who will again bring out all of those things in us that we neglected to work on.

When you are obsessing over him , it’s a telltale sign that still needs to be done. See how good you felt writing out your feelings here on SR, keep doing that, it’s healing and propelling you forward.

Ariesagain

It hasn’t been that long, really. And dreams die hard and slowly.

Be gentle with yourself. You are doing everything you can and one day you will realize you didn’t think about him at all that day. And it will get easier from there.

Sending you a hug.

Maudcat

Glad to have been of service, incomp.
Here when you need us.

Girl1101

Thanks for reading and asking. I'm doing very good. I have to say I dodged a massive bullet because we never even met up for the first date since he ghosted me. I was a pretty naive to have even considered dating him when one of the first things he said to me was "I smoke a lot of pot, like every day". He also was an alcoholic, and did other drugs that he didn't tell me about. He was extremely paranoid now that I think about it more. If he showed up for the first date, I would have never done my research about the behavior of addicts. I would have probably been in a relationship right now. And I believe he did me a favor by ghosting me. He basically never showed up for the date because he went to smoke pot, drink, and do other drugs with his coworkers. If he won't be there for his daughter, why would he ever be there for anyone else...? I've tried to apply a lot of logic, but that was a waste. A lot of people here have made me understand, its a lost cause to apply logic to these situations.

I have blocked him on all forms of communication too. I kind of look back and I'm just like "what was I smoking to have even considered dating him". I have continued to stay on this forum because my interactions with an addict have opened up this reality I've never seen before of what other people go through. I honestly want to be supportive from now on. I was totally ignorant myself and it scares me to think I came close to almost getting into a big mess.

I have to say that No Contact is an effective way of clearing your/our own heads and moving on. Addicts tend to gaslight a lot, I would say "no contact" is the antidote to that, and really great for "getting yourself back".