Princessofhope

I know this saying, I have read it many times. But am struggling to understand it. I know what using looks like, my gut instinct tells me something isn't right. I don't have that same reaction for recovery so need some help. I
AH is over 30 days clean, helping around the house a bit more, looking after himself more (self care), texting his gratitude list to his sponsors most days, going to meetings 2-3 times a week, listening to me more. Is this the start of recovery or is my deluded brain being overly hopeful?
Would love to hear how others look and act in recovery, particularly early recovery!
Thanks

OpheliaKatz

Hi. From my experience, my (ex)AH was supposed to be recovering/recovered when I got together with him. However, about 2 months into PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), he started getting difficulties with depression, headaches, insomnia... etc, all symptoms of PAWS. That is when he gave up and started using hard drugs in secret, first a little every few days so it was undetectable to me, and then one day he had an overdose. He was completely functioning at the time and I didn't even know he had a problem. Years later and we're now broken up because the drugs became his number one priority.

So I think recovery is different for everyone. Your AH might have 30 days clean and stay clean, but 30 days is too soon to know. He needs to be able to be clean for at least a year or two (depending on how severe his addiction was). Before that time, you really don't know if it's going to "stick". If I were you, I would trust your gut. If he seems to be doing okay, but you have a sneaking suspicion that he's not being honest about something, it's usually a waste of time to look for "proof". If you know, you know. Only you know your AH. If your AH is really in recovery, and he can sustain this way of life without relapsing, that's really great.

Just know that addiction to anything usually requires a life-long management plan and it's not up to you to manage. Stop focusing on your AH so much and think of ways you can recover from his addiction yourself, because it affects everyone. I know that this sounds dramatic, but as a precaution, you need to make sure that you have separate bank accounts and that he doesn't know any of your passwords. I'm not saying this because your AH is a bad guy, I don't know him, it's just that addiction can make people do things that they would never do otherwise. If I can be a walking cautionary tale, I would say, once the addict's problems start to affect your ability to focus on you living your best life and having a career, once it starts to impact your finances, you are in the "yellow" zone. I'm using traffic lights as an analogy here. "Red" is when the addict is stealing, having near-death experiences, and being violent. "Yellow" is when the addict is starting to make you a sick person, emotionally, financially, and physically sick. You might not even know it's happening until it's happened. So just watch for that. "Green" is when everything is hunky dory and you can trust your loved one to manage their own live and you're not confused or worried or posting on this board!

So that's my (subjective) opinion. I really do hope you AH is going to make it long term. Best of luck to him.

Maudcat

Hi, Princess.
Welcome.
Glad that your spouse has 30 days. It sounds like he is on the path.
Early, early days, and anything can happen.
Take a step back, go to Al-Anon if you aren’t already, or get some counselling if you can.
Take care of yourself. Your husband’s sobriety and recovery is his to manage.
Good luck and good thoughts.

Princessofhope

OpheliaKatz, we have been at 'yellow' many times, never to 'red' i think the issues are sometimes created in my head. I'm expecting him to fail or for red to come so I'm looking for it. I am trying not to, it's so hard to live and love someone yet not have anything to do with a big part of their life!

Maudcat, at the moment my gut is saying nothing - it's my head that is creating issues, looking for problems. It's also hard when he is looking to me for advice, he doesnt trust anyone but me and has a big hang up about asking for advice, so when he does seek advice I don't want to not be there.
Thank you both for your advice, I am struggling with detaching and supporting him whilst still trying to maintain a happy family home

Maudcat

Hang in there, Princess.
Here when you need us.

OpheliaKatz

Princessofhope. Don't expect him to fail. Don't expect anything. This is his journey, not yours. The best way to be supportive is to not focus too much on what he needs to do. Focus on what you and your kids (kid?) have to do to survive. He needs to trust other people besides you. If he is so reliant on you that he needs your advice about his sobriety, I think that creates a... situation that's quite codependent. I'm saying this because my AH used to only trust me for advice. Eventually when he started failing at being sober, he also started to blame me, because he had an external locus of control and he made his sobriety my responsibility, not his. It's good that you're not in the red. If you're not in the red, I would just stop worrying about it. I recommend the book "The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie. I wish I had read it before my relationship went to h3ll.

Please keep posting, SR will support you.

Princessofhope

Thank you Maudcat, one positive that has come from this nightmare is that I have learnt how strong i am!!
It has helped me so much by being on here, I no longer have the lonely feeling that only a spouse of an addict can understand.

hopeful4

While it's great for you to encourage him, you cannot be his "sponsor." You do not come from the same side of the street as him (in that you are not the addict), nor is it healthy for YOU to do this for him. I would definitely sit him down and have a conversation about what you need/deserve for your recovery from all of this, which involves him having a support system outside of yourself.

Big hugs.