Girl1101

So I think this is one of the things I'm struggling with the most. I think its the entrapment and confusion. When the words contradict the actions.

How do you know when you are being 'gas lighted' and how did you cope with that?

Princessofhope

Just that... when the words contradict the actions. Gut instinct that it doesn't make sense or sound right. It's awful and so hard to deal with.

I have no tips as I think it depends greatly on your addict, mine is calm and I can call him out on the gaslighting... doesn't get me anywhere but if i pretend to not acknowledge it then he thinks it's a green light to carry on. Although I know that the general advice is to not react!

Good luck!

Ann

The way to sidetrack and maybe even stop gaslighting is to give it no importance at all.

"I wouldn't have used if you hadn't nagged at me, your nagging is making me crazy and it is your fault that I am an addict"

Response? Blank stare and walk away...to another room, to go for a walk, to anywhere else. No tears or fear, no angry response or curling into a fetal position...just walk.

That's something I used any time my son spoke to me disrespectfully. He knew I would sit for hours and have a healthy discussion anytime...but the moment it got heated or disrespectful, it was over, right then and there and I would walk away.

This may not work for anyone but experience has taught me that when I stop "reacting" to people who are angry or rude, they fizzle quicky without an audience and are left shouting to the wind.

Hechosedrugs

The taste... it doesn't taste good, the sh*t sandwich. We kinda have to eat it, though, for a while or forever or until we can't choke down one more bite.

atalose

That's the idea of gaslighting, for you to be confused and questioning yourself. Victims of psychological abuse appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven't made a mistake or misheard something and question what they saw with their own eyes. Confusion lies in magical thinking because there is nothing confusing about reality.

Magical thinking is........maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't see drugs sitting on the table maybe he was right and it was cold medicine. Maybe he's not drunk like he says and I am mistaken. Because maybe if I am right then my world as I know it will forever change and that scares me.

Reality thinking is.........yes that is drugs on the table and yes he is drunk. And no I don't want my life to be like this and I am the only one who can change it.

Girl1101

the addict in my life disappeared, but I am left with a confused mess of thoughts in my head that I'm trying to sort out. Strangest thing I've ever experienced. I'm building up my self esteem again. I need to focus on the facts and not what ifs and maybes and excuses and wishful thinking and lies.

OpheliaKatz

What atalose said below. It is psychological abuse. Also, I feel what you are feeling. It's different for everyone, but my addict was not able to be "called out" on his gaslighting. If I told him he was gaslighting me, he would keep yelling at me until he got me to repeat something like, "yes I was wrong, you are right, you need the drugs and they are making your life better." If I ignored him, he used that as an excuse to use more drugs or scream at me about how I ignored him and didn't love him.

By the time the relationship was over, he was legit crazy and I *felt* like I was crazy. I will probably be confused for a long time... therefore, I need to work on my mental health.

Ann

These are the wisest, clearest words I have read in a long time, thank you Atalose.

zoso77

When you objectively know the truth, and someone in effect is telling you black is white, up is down, and in is out, you're being gaslighted. As for what to do, that's simple: protect your sanity. But that means taking action that you may not wish to take.

LostinLB

I've been separated from my addict for a few months and I have been doing a lot of work on myself in therapy and al-anon. Anyway, I recently was talking about some of my behaviors and reactions to his using in therapy. I was a big snooper/investigator and I always knew I was going to find something that was going to hurt me but I did it almost compulsively at times. What I was realizing is that when he would lie to me I pretty much always knew in my gut that he was lying and the more he "convinced" me that he was telling the truth the louder my gut/intuition would be yelling at me - don't believe it, he is lying, you KNOW he is lying. My denial was also very strong and my brain would go well maybe he is telling the truth, maybe this time he isn't lying, blah blah blah.

I was having such internal conflict that I had to find out the truth, so I would go through anything and everything I could. Email, phone, pockets, desks, etc. I realized I had to prove my gut right and if I didn't I would start to not trust those gut feelings and instead listen to the denial. I feel like if I had not continued to prove those deep internal feelings right time and time again I would have been lost in my own denial and been completely gaslighted.

I do NOT recommend snooping and whatnot as it only made things far worse (because once I found my proof I would have to confront him and fight and cry and it was totally dramatic and stupid on my part), but I do believe you have to listen to that intuition, gut feeling, whatever it is and believe it, TRUST IT. I also believe the more you listen to that internal voice the stronger it gets and the easier it is to trust. I think it is always there, but that if you have been ignoring it or convincing yourself that it isn't right, it gets harder to recognize, feel, and listen to. So if your gut is speaking quietly to you at this point, listen harder, find it again and trust in it.

That is my experience, but I have always been really in touch with that and listened to it my entire life. I don't know if it is that way for everyone or not.

HardLessons

LostinLB

Yes totally agree with everything you said. Also very well said.

Thanks

Anaya

Excellent description.

And so, I relate to her comments; I see I probably wasn't ready to give up my magical thinking (as atalose says, "...it will forever change and that scares me") but doing so and working on recovery has made all the difference.

It's painful to face reality but more painful to stay stuck in denial.

Anaya

Well said.

arieswoman002

OMG...I have never heard of gaslighting and I just googled it. (Ex was/is addicted to cocaine) I think this is what my ex did to me because I still question his drug abuse and I don't know why when I have concrete evidence. When I would confront him (white powder in his nose, hearing him snorting in the bathroom, starting fights for no reason, leaving all hours of the night) he would keep asking me why I am so miserable and stressed out? Eventually he left me and I found myself questioning (still) was it me? Wow.

OpheliaKatz

Yes this still happens to me. I have to remind myself that there is evidence and I am not the only one who saw it happening. I was just the only one who made excuses for his behavior.

Ilovemysonjj

Guilty Guilty Guilty! I love this insight on making excuses for the behavior!

Girl1101

I remember when the addict was talking to me in the initial stages of our "relationship", he said a lot of things that seemed like he was a victim. I had no idea but now it all makes sense (even though it kind of doesn't).

He talked about experiencing abuse in his childhood home, he witnessed his mother's abuse by a step dad, that it has now made him a gentleman because of it.
Stuff about past lovers always cheating on him or treating him badly, keeping his daughter away from him, when all he did was want to be there for them.

But honestly these were all words. There may or may not be truth in these words. They take a fact and they bend it and possibly delete from it, and then add falseness to another part of it. So you can never tell what's real or what's not real anymore.

All I know is what I can learn from actions. Are his actions helping the situation? No. Is he doing anything to improve the situation? No. Is he making excuses for his addiction? YES.

I believe focusing on actions, hard facts that are provable beyond a doubt, and what's real and tangible, is what will help people fall out of being "gaslighted". At least that's what I have learned in my period of No Contact from the addict. Maybe he did have a hard life, but he also had choices, and he chose the wrong ones and might be making excuses for himself to alleviate guilt from the choices that he made.

If he truly wanted to help himself, he would go into rehab.

Maudcat

My sib is alcohol addicted and in very poor shape, mentally and physically.
I cannot stand to talk to him.
Everything is someone else’s fault.
No one knows how hard it is to live with his (and my) elderly mother.
(Who, btw, has let him live with her rent free for years until we put a stop to that, and who regularly gives him money).
Poor him.
Lately, he has been missing the bowl in the upstairs bathroom when he urinates.
Called him on it the other day, told him there was pee on the floor and he needed to clean it up.
He did, and said, that he didn’t know how that happened.
It happened, I said, because you miss the bowl when you use it.
He got all huffy and said that he wasn’t the only person living in the house.
I allowed as how that was true, but he was the only person in the house who peed standing up.
Isn’t that nice? Blame your 92 year old mother for your general pigginess.
Uck.

OpheliaKatz

Ugh, the pee missing the toilet. I lived with this for ages. Finally when he left, I gave the toilet a triple clean, yes, I cleaned it thrice. There were smears everywhere, from what I don't know. I was fortunate enough to use a different bathroom, one with a broken bath so for the longest time, I was sponging myself clean. Crazy. And then the extent of the gas-lighting meant that he kept making his drug use "milder" than was obvious. "I am just using this or that, nothing dangerous". In reality, considering the way it affected him, he was probably freebasing coke. Now that I think about it, that is probably what he was doing -- that's my gut speaking. I agree with everyone when they say that if the addict truly wants to quit they would at least TRY rehab... and then keep trying. I think that once they get to the stage where they are gas lighting you, they don't want to quit (in my experience), and sadly they are the only ones that can make quitting happen.

OpheliaKatz

What your addict said to you in the beginning of the relationship is exactly what my addict said to me: "I was abused by my family, my exes cheated on me, I am now a gentleman because of it... blah blah blah." He also moved fast into the relationship and seemed to have no boundaries. What I have since learned is that when he started to feel like he was close to being exposed as a liar, he dumped people. It doesn't matter how long he'd known them or if they are family or whatever, he'd dumped you if you're about to tell the new friends or love interests in his life about his addiction or previous sketchy behavior. He had a hard life. I'm sure of it. Or not. Whatever. But his actions show that he just wants to keep having a hard life.