When an addict in your life 'gaslights' you
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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He talked about experiencing abuse in his childhood home, he witnessed his mother's abuse by a step dad, that it has now made him a gentleman because of it.
Stuff about past lovers always cheating on him or treating him badly, keeping his daughter away from him, when all he did was want to be there for them.
Stuff about past lovers always cheating on him or treating him badly, keeping his daughter away from him, when all he did was want to be there for them.
Moving forward you can forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight.
Best Quote I’ve heard yet on self-pity…………
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Girl1101 
I believe focusing on actions, hard facts that are provable beyond a doubt, and what's real and tangible, is what will help people fall out of being "gaslighted". At least that's what I have learned in my period of No Contact from the addict.
It's comforting to know that once we become educated and are able to glean out what's real vs. unreal in the cards "they" show, then we can begin to face reality, to start the walk to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and also how to focus on our own recovery.
Stay strong and know that you've lots of support and understanding here.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
He also moved fast into the relationship and seemed to have no boundaries.
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
What I have since learned is that when he started to feel like he was close to being exposed as a liar, he dumped people. It doesn't matter how long he'd known them or if they are family or whatever, he'd dumped you if you're about to tell the new friends or love interests in his life about his addiction or previous sketchy behavior.
One of the biggest hints was, he promised to make me dinner. But apparently he rents a room in a house, so no visitors allowed for him. -_- Why the lies though lol. I can't believe he lied about something that wasn't possible.
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Originally Posted by Anaya
Well said.
It's comforting to know that once we become educated and are able to glean out what's real vs. unreal in the cards "they" show, then we can begin to face reality, to start the walk to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and also how to focus on our own recovery.
Stay strong and know that you've lots of support and understanding here.
It's comforting to know that once we become educated and are able to glean out what's real vs. unreal in the cards "they" show, then we can begin to face reality, to start the walk to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and also how to focus on our own recovery.
Stay strong and know that you've lots of support and understanding here.
Thank you, yes the support here is awesome. I love it here.
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Originally Posted by atalose
And when you look back now you can clearly see he was telling you exactly who he was………..a victim! Nothing is ever his fault it was blamed away on someone else or circumstance. Big red flag!!
Moving forward you can forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight.
Best Quote I’ve heard yet on self-pity…………
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
Moving forward you can forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight.
Best Quote I’ve heard yet on self-pity…………
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by atalose
Best Quote I’ve heard yet on self-pity…………
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
Self-pity is easily the most destructive of non-pharmaceutical narcotics, it is addictive, it gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.
When we know better, we do better. All hindsight can do is teach us lessons that will make the path ahead healthier and safer.
This is an informative thread, I hope every newcomer reads it. Gas lighting is common and something each one of us (including me) take a while to understand.
To separate the issues in a healthy way....
Their addiction and their recovery is their issue!!! Not ours, not their family of origin's, not the boogy man's...but theirs.
How we react to it and the life choices we make because of it, is OUR business. Not their's, not what other people think, not the gurus of recovery...but OURS.
Never the twain shall meet.
Hugs
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Yes and honestly everyone has a hard life. But our actions define our future. You think the loved ones/victims of these addicts are having it easy?? No. Just reading all the stories on the forum is proof how the addict is blaming their addiction on their "hard life" and throwing blame around, while making everyone else's lives completely miserable because of it. It's a very sad vicious cycle. We can't control the addict but we can control ourselves.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by Ann
This is an informative thread, I hope every newcomer reads it. Gas lighting is common and something each one of us (including me) take a while to understand.
And thank goodness for this site, where much helpful information is passed along.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I wish more magistrates and judges knew about gaslighting and addiction. So many families would suffer less if the legal system were more educated about abuse. I mean, sometimes they think it is enough if the addict is clean, but they don't realize that they need to rehabilitate from more than drugs, it's the mindset that caused them to think this path was okay to start traveling down in the first place. Truth is, I feel (personally) that a lot of addicts feel sorry for themselves. Self-pity can make people terrible sometimes. Because it negates responsibility. The chemical addiction is only 50% of the battle, I think. There is the psychological problem that preceded it. I guess it's like this: there are three people (just imagine). Person A has a horrible month and they say, I'm going running this weekend and then I'll play some tennis and go rock climbing and that will fix it. Person B has the same horrible month and they say, I'm going to sleep in next Saturday and then enjoy some Netflix and bake a cake. Person C has the same horrible month and they decide on Friday to go to three bars, drink until they pass out and then wake up with a hangover and nurse it with more alcohol... . These are all choices. None of these people are addicts yet. But they are personalities.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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it took me years, i snooped, investigated, deluded myself, chose to see the best in him (really things of my own creating because when hes using there is nothing good left in him, he does become his monster) to realize if he was speaking, he was lying. little things. big things. his perception of reality is just that screwed up. hes incapable of honesty. ive reached the point i dont care. the things i did to find the truth only hurt me and taught him to be a better liar. truth or lie in the end doesnt really matter. if its causing you pain reach out for help for yourself. ive learned thats really the only power we have in a relationship with an addict.
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Originally Posted by LostinLB
I've been separated from my addict for a few months and I have been doing a lot of work on myself in therapy and al-anon. Anyway, I recently was talking about some of my behaviors and reactions to his using in therapy. I was a big snooper/investigator and I always knew I was going to find something that was going to hurt me but I did it almost compulsively at times. What I was realizing is that when he would lie to me I pretty much always knew in my gut that he was lying and the more he "convinced" me that he was telling the truth the louder my gut/intuition would be yelling at me - don't believe it, he is lying, you KNOW he is lying. My denial was also very strong and my brain would go well maybe he is telling the truth, maybe this time he isn't lying, blah blah blah.
I was having such internal conflict that I had to find out the truth, so I would go through anything and everything I could. Email, phone, pockets, desks, etc. I realized I had to prove my gut right and if I didn't I would start to not trust those gut feelings and instead listen to the denial. I feel like if I had not continued to prove those deep internal feelings right time and time again I would have been lost in my own denial and been completely gaslighted.
I do NOT recommend snooping and whatnot as it only made things far worse (because once I found my proof I would have to confront him and fight and cry and it was totally dramatic and stupid on my part), but I do believe you have to listen to that intuition, gut feeling, whatever it is and believe it, TRUST IT. I also believe the more you listen to that internal voice the stronger it gets and the easier it is to trust. I think it is always there, but that if you have been ignoring it or convincing yourself that it isn't right, it gets harder to recognize, feel, and listen to. So if your gut is speaking quietly to you at this point, listen harder, find it again and trust in it.
That is my experience, but I have always been really in touch with that and listened to it my entire life. I don't know if it is that way for everyone or not.
I was having such internal conflict that I had to find out the truth, so I would go through anything and everything I could. Email, phone, pockets, desks, etc. I realized I had to prove my gut right and if I didn't I would start to not trust those gut feelings and instead listen to the denial. I feel like if I had not continued to prove those deep internal feelings right time and time again I would have been lost in my own denial and been completely gaslighted.
I do NOT recommend snooping and whatnot as it only made things far worse (because once I found my proof I would have to confront him and fight and cry and it was totally dramatic and stupid on my part), but I do believe you have to listen to that intuition, gut feeling, whatever it is and believe it, TRUST IT. I also believe the more you listen to that internal voice the stronger it gets and the easier it is to trust. I think it is always there, but that if you have been ignoring it or convincing yourself that it isn't right, it gets harder to recognize, feel, and listen to. So if your gut is speaking quietly to you at this point, listen harder, find it again and trust in it.
That is my experience, but I have always been really in touch with that and listened to it my entire life. I don't know if it is that way for everyone or not.
It's been a week now. I'm definitely going thru some struggles emotionally. But I'm working thru them. This site has been my saving grace.
Love and peace to us all.♡
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Originally Posted by Girl1101
So I think this is one of the things I'm struggling with the most. I think its the entrapment and confusion. When the words contradict the actions.
How do you know when you are being 'gas lighted' and how did you cope with that?
How do you know when you are being 'gas lighted' and how did you cope with that?
How I cope with it now is by distance from it. No Contact. Building a new life.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Sometimes I don't know when I'm being gaslighted. I can see it, feel it, know it somewhere deep inside me and have symptoms such as fear, anxiety and not being able to get a deep breath... and yet there's a part of my mind that so greatly wants to ignore the gaslighting.... I truly don't always see what's going on right in front of me.
How I cope with it now is by distance from it. No Contact. Building a new life.
How I cope with it now is by distance from it. No Contact. Building a new life.
I am inquisitive/investigative by nature, I tend to ask tons of questions when I'm confused. I started doing that. I questioned his stories.
He realized I was getting to the bottom of the mess, so he disappeared without warning. He knew he couldn't get lies past me anymore. Only NOW I understand that he disappeared on me because he knew I wasn't believing his BS anymore.
But of course I was hurt because feelings and blah blah, but now its 6 weeks later since I last saw him and I'm starting not to care.
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Originally Posted by atalose
That's the idea of gaslighting, for you to be confused and questioning yourself. Victims of psychological abuse appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven't made a mistake or misheard something and question what they saw with their own eyes. Confusion lies in magical thinking because there is nothing confusing about reality.
Magical thinking is........maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't see drugs sitting on the table maybe he was right and it was cold medicine. Maybe he's not drunk like he says and I am mistaken. Because maybe if I am right then my world as I know it will forever change and that scares me.
Reality thinking is.........yes that is drugs on the table and yes he is drunk. And no I don't want my life to be like this and I am the only one who can change it.
Magical thinking is........maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't see drugs sitting on the table maybe he was right and it was cold medicine. Maybe he's not drunk like he says and I am mistaken. Because maybe if I am right then my world as I know it will forever change and that scares me.
Reality thinking is.........yes that is drugs on the table and yes he is drunk. And no I don't want my life to be like this and I am the only one who can change it.
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