Divorcing AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 16
Divorcing AH
Hello,
I have been reading the posts here for a few weeks and have found it tremendously helpful. I can relate to so many of the stories and all of the feelings. This is my first post.
I met my STBXAH in recovery. We both stayed clean 3.5 years, had an amazing son, and got married. It seemed like we were beating the odds, until we weren't. He first relapsed about one year ago and since then life spiraled down into an unlivable nightmare. I filed for divorce on my birthday after he didn't come home the night before (once again) and I found messages between him and an ex girlfriend going back over six months. This was shocking to me because he had previously been the most loyal man I had ever met.
I won't go on and on about his using behavior. Most on here know there are lies, betrayls, false promises, doubt, fear, chaos, etc. All of that applies.
What I am struggling with now (3 months post filing for divorce) is knowing that my apology is not coming, my husband and best friend (as I knew and loved him) is gone and possibly not coming back, the dreams we had together are irreparably destroyed, and even if he does get clean again someday, it won't be with me.
I can't speak to him without things turning ugly- not that he has any desire to speak to me. Our divorce is totally in the hands of lawyers. I stand to lose my home and all the money I worked so hard to save. He blames me for everything and justifies this blame mostly with things he has entirely fabricated.
I'm so angry and sad. Even as a person in recovery (I have nearly 5 years clean), I can't understand why he made the choices he has made.
Looking for some validation and support.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
I have been reading the posts here for a few weeks and have found it tremendously helpful. I can relate to so many of the stories and all of the feelings. This is my first post.
I met my STBXAH in recovery. We both stayed clean 3.5 years, had an amazing son, and got married. It seemed like we were beating the odds, until we weren't. He first relapsed about one year ago and since then life spiraled down into an unlivable nightmare. I filed for divorce on my birthday after he didn't come home the night before (once again) and I found messages between him and an ex girlfriend going back over six months. This was shocking to me because he had previously been the most loyal man I had ever met.
I won't go on and on about his using behavior. Most on here know there are lies, betrayls, false promises, doubt, fear, chaos, etc. All of that applies.
What I am struggling with now (3 months post filing for divorce) is knowing that my apology is not coming, my husband and best friend (as I knew and loved him) is gone and possibly not coming back, the dreams we had together are irreparably destroyed, and even if he does get clean again someday, it won't be with me.
I can't speak to him without things turning ugly- not that he has any desire to speak to me. Our divorce is totally in the hands of lawyers. I stand to lose my home and all the money I worked so hard to save. He blames me for everything and justifies this blame mostly with things he has entirely fabricated.
I'm so angry and sad. Even as a person in recovery (I have nearly 5 years clean), I can't understand why he made the choices he has made.
Looking for some validation and support.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I wish there were answers. There just aren't.
But you have beaten the odds and come through the storm and that's an enormous accomplishment.
Sending you my admiration and a huge hug. I wish you peace of mind.
But you have beaten the odds and come through the storm and that's an enormous accomplishment.
Sending you my admiration and a huge hug. I wish you peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I understand the grief you are feeling for the death of your relationship. It's utterly gutting. I don't have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to let you know I lived through a similar experience and I have deep empathy for your situation. The death of a dream is excrutiating.
There is no point in trying to figure out the chaos that is driving him and his craziness.. you will exhaust yourself. Try to focus on yourself and not getting lost in the hurt and anger. Easier said then done, but it does get easier. It's a process.
Congratulations on your sobriety, you sound strong and firm in your recovery. Hold fast to that.
*BIG HUGS*
There is no point in trying to figure out the chaos that is driving him and his craziness.. you will exhaust yourself. Try to focus on yourself and not getting lost in the hurt and anger. Easier said then done, but it does get easier. It's a process.
Congratulations on your sobriety, you sound strong and firm in your recovery. Hold fast to that.
*BIG HUGS*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 72
I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I can't even imagine.
I think you are doing the right thing and yes you do sound strong.
I believe him blaming you is him projecting on you. He knows its his fault, deep down.
*hugs*
I think you are doing the right thing and yes you do sound strong.
I believe him blaming you is him projecting on you. He knows its his fault, deep down.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
((((hugs)))))
All you can do is to hope, for your child's sake, he gets himself clean. It is so hard to watch a train wreck and not be able to do anything about it. It took my ex 9 years to clean up his act after our divorce, and I am not even sure how clean since my only sign is that he actually has a job now.
It is sad to watch the person you love change before your eyes, and with addiction it isn't a "growing apart", it is an all of a sudden switch.
It is sad to watch the person you love change before your eyes, and with addiction it isn't a "growing apart", it is an all of a sudden switch.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. You will find lots of great support here at SR. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
First off, you have validated yourself through your own recovery. Congratulations! That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Nothing and no one can take that away from you, ever.
The sad thing is, many times when things turn ugly in divorce, you wonder what happened to the person you knew. People change, and not always for the better. The best thing you can do at this point is let go. Don't expect an apology you will likely never receive. Don't focus on him, focus on staying well and being strong for your child. Get a good attorney and do what you can to save your assets. Then accept, you have done all you could do.
Hugs to you.
First off, you have validated yourself through your own recovery. Congratulations! That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Nothing and no one can take that away from you, ever.
The sad thing is, many times when things turn ugly in divorce, you wonder what happened to the person you knew. People change, and not always for the better. The best thing you can do at this point is let go. Don't expect an apology you will likely never receive. Don't focus on him, focus on staying well and being strong for your child. Get a good attorney and do what you can to save your assets. Then accept, you have done all you could do.
Hugs to you.
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