I feel pathetic...I know I should know better.
 

I'm sorry if I'm so repetitive on these forums. My addict ex who was addicted to cocaine left me about 4 months ago for no real reason. I know the reason was his addiction, but he never bothered to acknowledge anything.

The other night he posted a picture with another woman he spent 2 weeks with in San Fran who I know is a party girl as well. I've blocked him since I saw it...I know it wasn't good for me. I just didn't expect him to move on so fast without even acknowledging or showing ANY remorse for me.

I can't sleep, eat, or even think straight. I started questioning whether he is really addicted to cocaine or if he is clean. It's just bizarre. We were in a very public 4+ year relationship and now you are posting with someone else?

I am so devastated. I know I should move on, but HOW do you move on with no remorse? I have not said anything to him since the break up - never begged for him back, no phone calls, texts, nothing. I tried to keep my head because if I go there...oh my god...I just can't let him take anymore from me.

Anyone know any cocaine addicts who do this? They just keep going and wreak havoc and just never feel bad? He kept picking fights with me before the break up. It was like I couldn't say or do anything right without him blaming me and I wonder does he know that he left me to do cocaine? And what does this girl have to offer that I don't?

Do they move on? How does an addicts mind work? Any responses will help. I am desperate and have spent a lot of time on here...I just feel like when will this pain end?

It isn't fair and I KNOW life isn't fair, but when cocaine use is heavy, WTF happens next? When do you hit rock bottom? His parents pay all of his bills and are in denial he has an issue.

Is it worth me telling him I know everything and that I hope one day I get the apology I deserve? He really ****** me over. Yes, I am grateful we aren't married. Yes, I am grateful we didn't have kids. But it just feel so wrong to get off scott-free.

This pain and overthinking is unbearable.

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.

Addiction is a very selfish disease and caring about others, people’s feelings usually do not happen, at least not for real but often when they want something.

Sounds like you never let go of this relationship seeing that you only recently blocked him from a break up that happened 4 months ago. So it's really like you are beginning the morning process all over again. While he on the other hand has moved on. A's move on codies morn. And we can't morn what we are unable to let go of.

Break ups hurt; they are painful especially for the person who did not want it to happen. The only way out of the pain is to allow yourself to feel it, work through it and come out of it with lessoned learned and a stronger person.

It’s not the drugs that make a drug addict, it’s the need to escape reality. The need NOT to feel unpleasant emotions and only chase that high. The new person in his life is a new high, it’s not about you or anything you did or could possible do, he’s an addict doing what addicts do.

No need to beat yourself up, Aries. We have all had trouble letting go of relationships.

You cant do this by yourself. You need help to let go of a burden like this. What that help will look like is a path you will find for yourself.

Maybe it would help to ask yourself if you would pick a guy who is going to someone else so easily, if you were starting over? Maybe write a list of what you WOULD want in a partner.

We are here to support you. Good luck!

Sending you hugs and good thoughts, aries.
Give it time.

What you are describing in his behavior is exactly how and addict operates be it any substance they are on. Addicts are selfish, self-centered and can be downright awful. When I am deep in my addiction I only want to be with others that are using and others that I can get something from. Addiction between friends and relationships to family and friends is not a give and take. The addict will take take take, reap havoc and more havoc and have little to no remorse. Think of it as an F5 tornado, the destroy everything in their wake. I can say all of this I have done all you are saying and more. I had a boyfriend who was clean when I was in my addiction who I literally stomped all over, cheated on, started fights and used for money. I am not sure why he stuck by me but he did and he should not have. I did a lot of damage in that relationship.

They will only move on when they are ready in my opinion. Forced interventions, threats, and sometimes complete abandonment will not stop it until they have had enough and are ready. It is not your job to worry about it or sit and wait for it, it will drive you mad.

His parents sound like the classic enablers. I had a mom who did that, she lived her life to make me OK, again it never worked. They need help but they are just like the addict, they have to truly believe that what they are doing is not right and they have to learn to love him to life, not death.

Drugs are merely a symptom of our disease. Addicts use for a number of reasons, some of us never know how it begins but I promise you we know the options of how it will end. You will either get covered up sobered up or locked up. There is no other option, it sounds like he needs to face more consequences.

My suggestion to you would be to find an ALANON meeting, grab onto a woman that has been in the program for awhile and tell her exactly what is going on. ALANON changes lives for those in the disease with the addict. Also blocking him is good, in my opinion, Facebook and all social media should be banned. But I am one of the very few that believe that lol. Continue with your life, each day will get better. There is always the possibility that he will reach out, you need to make sure you have boundaries set up to protect yourself, your self-worth should be more important than his. Again ALANON will help with all of this.

Good luck. I am sorry to all those that are in the disease with the addict, alcoholic. It makes me sad when I hear who we hurt people, what an awful disease.

Hi AW

I am going through all the same emotions right now just as you are. It all just sucks. Your story & mine are different - yet they are the same.

We do end up questioning ourselves. We do try to think maybe they are not addicts.

Try to calm yourself as much as possible. You need to somehow step back from the trenches & try to take a look at your situation from a 1,000 foot perspective. Take away the emotions & look your situation from a logical perspective.

I don't know for sure, but I think if you do that you will see in your Ex ABF the same types of things I see in my addict (her). Below is what I see from my relationship at a 1,000 foot view:

She's an addict
She has done everything to me that addicts typically do
She lies - lied so much so often I lost sight of the truth
She lives a totally crazy life style
I cant deal with or survive in her life. I cant even deal with talking to her
I volunteered for my part in this
I do not have the skills to deal with her in a healthy way
She has totally consumed & taken over my life
She cannot under any circumstances provide me with clarity. She has no answers which will help me concerning any of it.
She does not feel pain the way I do - she is an addict constantly on various powerful drugs - I am not on any drugs
She is not going to change anything about her life at least anytime soon
I cant go back to more of the same.
I am better off now even though it hurts to no end than I am when I was with her. Being with her was worse.
I have to let go of her for my benefit & hers
In spite of all that she did to me - I still love & miss her
I tried everything possible to help her
No matter what she is doing now or who she is with, she continues to have crisis after crisis. She's an addict - living the life of an addict - doing what addicts do. She is not living happily ever after
I am forever changed by my relationship with her. She will always be a part of me - for the good & bad parts.

I hope you see the point to this. I am guessing you could pretty much substitute the word him for her above. What I wrote above is very accurate with respect to my thoughts. I could go on & on with above but I don't think you need to see more.

Make your 1,000 foot view list. Be honest about it.

Confronting your Ex Addict is a waste of time . There is nobody home. If there was you wouldn't be here on SR now. Neither would I.

I perfectly understand how you feel. I am feeling it all now. I am convinced concerning my own circumstance that I am better off being where I am now than still or trying to be with her. I don't say that lightly. I am paying hell for this choice.

I wish you peace in your situation.

Thanks

This, exactly. There is nobody home. So hard to believe. They look and sound just like the people we once knew. But that's just their addiction. Shapeshifting.

WOW I can so relate to what you have said so much!!!

Hello.

No apologies needed for 'repetative'. Addiction is repetative/repetition.

Also addicts tend to do what they want to do sober or high that's why they're doing drugs in the first place caving to their impulses. I've seen too many stories where the ex goes after rehab. Do not take it personally.

This is dead on accurate…
 

I can’t believe how accurate this is. I was with my addict ex for almost six years. He put me through the worst hell with his Fentanyl addiction that I almost lost my career because of his stealing and using my car. I stuck with him through all of the terrifying situations he put me through and all the money he took from me. I held on to helping him get clean even though the only real reason he went to a program was because he had no money and nowhere to stay. He is now 11 mos sober and left me for someone in the sober house and didn’t even have the decency to tell me and I had to find out by accident. He was so cold and acted as though we were never even together. I believe he is also a narcissist. I am trying to do no contact but he reached out about a week ago saying he wanted to be friends. This breadcrumb caused me to want to be with him again only to have him tell me we are just friends so I am back to starting over in my grief. Now I am seeing a therapist as I am not going to be friends with someone that lied betrayed abused and used me. I just hope I can keep no contact as even though this man is off the drugs he is even more selfish than when he was using. Six years of my life I will never get back and me thinking we could make this work if he got clean but he never even tried. Very sad and my self worth has really taken a beating