Tombplant

I know my ex is getting out of rehab in a week. I was thinking of going to a wellness retreat to reset my mental health and heal as I can’t seem to do it at all at home. Part of me doesn’t want to book anything in case he calls or texts me.

he called me the first weekend of rehab to tell me he didn’t want to leave me in the dark and told me where he was. He said he didn’t want to throw away two years but can’t promise anything. He hurt me so bad. I was so committed to him, was there for him and I was thrown away so easily. He said he wouldn’t be using the phone so if I don’t get a call that’s why. I know he has called his family, but not me. Wouldn’t he call me if he was thinking about me? He put me through a lot. I am so torn and broken down. Why can’t I get out of my comfort zone and do something for myself? Why is he holding me back with this hope that no one else has and likely he will never speak to me again. I wish I didn’t pickup the first call from him.

the next day after the first call he called 3 times and I answered on the third. He said he was worried about me and to please be strong. He said he was really looking at himself and his issues and journaling. It seems he has already changed his mind about me. I am so lost.

trailmix

Hi Tomb,

One thing I have found that helps is writing a list, of all the terrible things about him and the relationship. Something short that you can refer to often during the day, like:

Lied to me about - whatever
Broke dates to drug
Spread untrue stories about me
Blamed me for his relapse
Blamed me for all his issues, said I'm toxic
etc

That helps to keep uppermost in your mind why you are not in this relationship anymore.

I'm sure he was maybe nice once in a while and maybe at the beginning? That can be one of the reasons why it's hard to let go, try googling intermittent reward.

It will take a while for you to start thinking clearly again, it's part of the healing process, you said:

And as hard as it may be to do, this is the reason why you should go ahead and go to the retreat.

Turning your focus away from him and all his issues is the way forward. It's hard! You have been focusing on him for years, but it can be done.

You deserve much better than a half kind of relationship with someone who doesn't even know what he wants, don't you think?

Bute

Hello Tombplant,
I would agree with trailmix and encourage you to read about intermittent reinforcement, and make that list.
Realise your own value - you deserve much more than he is offering. He is attempting to hedge his bets, and keep a little string attached. Take scissors and cut it! Go to the retreat!
Put thoughts of him on the back foot and prioritise yourself. It becomes easier with practice.
We often read that addicts have to put recovery first and it's the fight of their life, for their lives. The same can be applied to us.
Fight for the life you wsnt.
Much Love
Bute x

edoering

Here’s the other beautiful thing about booking the retreat—someone who really loves would be happy that you did that, even if it was “inconvenient” for them.

So like everyone else has said, don’t wait. If he only loves you when you do everything for him, that’s not healthy love. And he’s not worth avoiding the retreat. And if it’s healthy love, he won’t be upset that you are on the retreat. Either way, signs point to do what is best for you!

Tombplant

i don’t think he would care at all if I went or not. I also feel like it’s so likely he dropped me so easily after everything that when he is out he won’t reach out at all. I feel like I wasted two years.

trailmix

Well you can think of it as wasted or maybe as a learning experience as well as just - experience. I doubt many people get through not having some kind of dysfunctional relationship that they wish they'd never had, but, that's where the wisdom comes from.

You won't date an addict again.

From all you have said about him, he honestly sounds like a pretty mean and nasty guy. It is possible you have developed a type of "trauma" bond with him (you can google that for more information). That's hard to overcome, it may also be why you feel this breakup is different than others you have had (as in so hard to move past). I'd be interested to hear what you think of trauma bonding and if you feel that might be affecting you.

trailmix

You might also find this thread helpful, found in the stickies section in the F&F of alcoholics forum

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

Classic Reading:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)