Lostthethread

Good morning. This is my first post, I’ve only just found this site. My adult son has been stringing me along for a few years. He has now lost his wife, his job, his car, his license, and will likely lose his home soon. He has turned into a criminal to help fund his addiction. When that fails, he calls me. I recently caved and gave him money to help him from being killed. My head says that’s absolute BS but my heart went to “but what if it’s true?” My other children said don’t do it but I did. He does and says what they will - I’ll change, I’ll go to rehab,. Now he’s facing criminal charges and I will not supply funds for a lawyer but I do expect lots of tears and pleas as his court date nears. I’m reading lots o literature about addictions and how not to be an enabler. And about addicts in general. I miss my son, he was a smart and funny guy with the world by the tail. He blames my husband’s (his father) death on his turning to heroin but I’ve recently learned that his addiction issues have been going on for years, just hidden. He was given a zoom meeting diagnosis for bipolar about two years ago but at this point I feel it is a ruse to explain the behaviours of addiction. Of course, if I say that to him I’m disrespecting mental illness. I’m ashamed of my ongoing failures to follow through with my threats of no financial help or rides, etc. And then he tells me how we’ve all abandoned him in his time of need. I don’t know that I’m asking for advice - maybe just wanting to say some things out loud to the universe. His wife is expecting, the house is going to be lost, she will be in financial trouble as she’s attached to the mortgage, he will never be allowed to meet his child, I cannot support her financially and I can’t take him in. Wait, I won’t do those things. It would not be something that is healthy for me. I already have their giant dog whom I love but obviously impacts my life. So I just feel so sorry for all of us (even the dog).

Bute

I would hazard a guess that all of us parents have done the same. I know I sure have.
It does come to a point though, that self preservation has to kick in, before further damage came be done.
My own son blames blames me for the sun rising and setting. He has run the gauntlet of homelessness, prison, gets clean, then it all starts up again. I had to step back for my own health and sanity.
You are not abandoning him, you are making the choice not to accept his behaviours any more, and he is attempting to make you feel guilty.
You have to prioritise your own well-being, or you'll go under.
I hope his wife can find somewhere else to go - perhaps with other family?
At lesst the dog is safe with you. My little dog prevented me going over the edge!
You can come out the other side of all this mess.
Sending love and a big hug.
Bute x

Lostthethread

Thank you, Bute. His wife is with her mom. She’s afraid to live alone right now but I think she’s in a good place until after the baby comes. I feel like I’ve traded my son for a daughter, she’s lovely but you know what I mean. As for the guilt, I do understand that’s his plan. I’m finding some strength on this site to keep my resolve. Do you have contact with your son? I worry about losing him completely. As for the dogs… my little one was also my emotional saviour when I lost my husband. I hope the big boy I have now does the same. Dogs are such great support!

Bute

Hi LTT,

I have contact with my son via txt message, and the odd phone call. I've seen him once in the last 3 years, and that was this time last year, in prison. I only went as he was in a controlled environment. As sad as it is, his behaviour is too unpredictable, and I've always been his target. I don't put myself in potentially vulnerable situations with him. I don't know the people he associates with either, or who could be looking for him.
I used to worry about not having contact with him, or never seeing him again, but not any more. I know it may seem heartless, but life is more peaceful without him in it. It was constant chaos, disruption and stress. It made me really poorly, so I had to back well off for my own good.
I don't miss who he is, but I used to miss what I wished it could be. Now I just accept it for what it is, and live my life the best I can.
I would absolutely agree with you about dogs. I'm sure your big lad will give you all the love in the world. I believe I prefer dogs to most humans! Whooopps, did I say that out loud 😁.
Much Love
Bute x