Bail them out or let them sit in jail?

Old 09-23-2017, 08:44 PM
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Bail them out or let them sit in jail?

For the past 8 months my family has been dealing with my brother's substance abuse issues that came to light. We first "rescued" him, getting him into outpatient treatment, which didn't work. He left and quickly ended up in jail. After a lot of fighting, my parents bailed him out within 6 hours. He went straight into detox, dealt w/ court hearings (where he got an unbelievably good deal), and then my mom put out money to get him into a rehab program. Things seemed to be going well, he got out, moved I with my mom with very simple ground rules. After about 8 weeks, we found he was using again. We gave him the option of getting help or leaving, and he chose to leave. Within a day, he found himself back in jail. He didn't call anyone .... I had to find out by a search online. Now we're getting calls from him, begging to be bailed out....that he needs help, that he wants to go back to detox.

Logically I know we shouldn't do it...let him feel the consequences of his actions. But it is so hard for me to turn off the worry and protective side. I'm just so torn whether to leave him there until his next court date .... or bail him out and take him straight back to detox. I guess I'm just not good at "Detaching lovingly."

I just don't know what to do.
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Old 09-23-2017, 09:11 PM
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The more you rescue him, the more it shows him that there are little to no consequences to his actions.
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Old 09-23-2017, 10:42 PM
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I have a brother who gets himself in trouble because of drug use...sometimes this lands him in trouble with the law. My mother always softens that blow for him in one way or another. His behavior never changes, because he has never faced a stiff enough consequence to want to make the changes he needs to make.

In my opinion, "helping" an addict ONLY helps to keep them sick. ( And honestly isn't healthy for the person doing the "helping" either)

I'm sorry your family has to deal with addiction. I know how much it sucks for all people involved.
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Old 09-23-2017, 10:47 PM
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I agree with tough love. Maybe this time he will believe you when you say get your act together, we're done bailing you out of jail.

If it was me I would let him stay. It doesn't sound like he is at his rock bottom yet
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Old 09-24-2017, 06:04 AM
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Hi, sml.
Welcome.
Sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
It's hard to know what to do.
I have an alcohol addicted sib and an enabling mother.
I am her caregiver, so sometimes I am in the middle of their stuff, though I try like anything to stay on my side of the street.
I agree with the other posters that bailing your sib out isn't the answer.
Hard as it is, let him stay in jail.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Addiction is horrible.
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Old 09-24-2017, 06:21 AM
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i posted this reply recently in another thread:
this is the drunk me that went to jail a couple times for DD:
by bailing me out, people didnt allow me to face the consequences of my actions- they enabled me to continue the same behavior that got me in jail.

" But it is so hard for me to turn off the worry and protective side.'
jail is a safer place for him and the rest of the world.
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Old 09-24-2017, 06:28 AM
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I agree with those who say he should not be bailed out.

I'd say it was probably one of the most significant learning experiences in the life of my son for him to be told that sorry, we cannot bail you out (after trying for five years to help him). He was prompted to figure it out for himself and he did.
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Old 09-24-2017, 06:47 AM
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I actually hung out at a bail office for long periods of time with my friend who was a bail agent. After seeing many of these ones that were bailed out of jail up close I would say that in 75% of the ones seen -- it would have been better to have left them in jail -- they don't act like they are wanting to change. Many will get released anyway when they get to court. Why waste your money?
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Old 09-24-2017, 06:52 AM
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My son is currently in jail and I agree that it is very difficult to leave a loved one in jail. Finding this website has saved my sanity. I am learning coping skills and i'm seeing how much I have enabled my AS to keep using for the past 10 years. I don't want to be responsible for enabling him ever again. It is very hard to talk to him because he begs me to bail him out by selling his truck and using his money. In fact I have started avoiding his phone calls because it is just the same old conversation over and over again. If I did sell his truck and belongings to get him out of jail and he says her wants to hire an attorney...he will have nothing to live on when he is released. I will be responsible for helping him get back on his feet AGAIN!! Plus...he has a court appointed attorney. I think you should leave your sibling in jail...my son is 31 and it is way past time that he learns to be responsible for his actions...good and BAD!!! Sending you many hugs and well wishes.
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Old 09-25-2017, 09:01 AM
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I just don't know what to do.
Sure you do. It's just that, in all probability, what you should do is the thing that makes you feel the worst. So it's worth remembering that there are times doing the right thing sucks.

Always use your moral and ethical compass. If you do that, and you stay true to them, you'll be OK.
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Old 09-29-2017, 08:15 AM
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When I was with my AH, I tried to talk to him about AA, but he said that AA was for crazy people, not logical sane people. He said he could deal with his own problems. So I read a bunch of articles about how tough love was not the right way to treat addiction. I have since found that my "soft" love made him sicker and also made me sick. It destroyed my health. It showed him there were no consequences to his drug use until he started to behave as if there were no consequences to his treatment of other people. I feel bad for what my AH went though, I feel bad for the way he treated me. I think that if he had been in jail, things would have been better for everyone -- both him and me.

Please do not bail him out. It's not easy but it's the best thing to do. Addiction is never easy for anyone. I'm so sorry that he's put you in this situation and that everyone has to suffer. I hope that he can find his peace and enter recovery fully. I hope that you can heal from this awful, awful thing that has happened to you.
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Old 09-29-2017, 10:26 AM
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Always safer for them on a cot in a cage drug free instead of bailed out where more poison to put into their bodies can be obtained.

If your brother really wants to get clean he will and he will find his way down that path. There are social workers and drug programs in jail.

I couldn't agree more with what zozo said. Doing the right thing and playing the role of perceived bad guy keeps you true to yourself and is most loving for him even if it doesn't feel that way or more importantly that he doesn't see it that way. You know the truth and that's all that counts.
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Old 09-29-2017, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
I agree with tough love... It doesn't sound like he is at his rock bottom yet
What if someone's rock bottom is killing themselves? What if it is killing someone else?
I agree with the others that, in this case, leaving him in jail is the better and safer option, but I really disagree with this idea that a person has to finally reach some horrible rock bottom to get their life back under control.
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Old 09-29-2017, 11:32 PM
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"Rock bottom" is a generic term and is different for everyone. For some it might be drinking to the point of vomiting and they never touch the stuff again. For some it might be involvement with law enforcement/jail time. For some it might be drinking-related illness. For some it might be losing family/friends. Sad to say, some never have it bad enough, and yes, they die. That's the hard reality of addiction.
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Old 09-30-2017, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by grayghost1965 View Post
"Rock bottom" is a generic term and is different for everyone. For some it might be drinking to the point of vomiting and they never touch the stuff again. For some it might be involvement with law enforcement/jail time. For some it might be drinking-related illness. For some it might be losing family/friends. Sad to say, some never have it bad enough, and yes, they die. That's the hard reality of addiction.
Agree. Rock bottom has to be a moment where the addict has a look in the mirror and sees what life has become for them. There's just no other way. You can't force an addict to look in the mirror. You can always help them, but it can't be enabling them. Still, they have to continue to help themselves, and that can only come from within.

Honestly if an addict in my life landed in jail, I wouldn't bail them out. I feel like I wouldn't be helping them, and they would just find more discreet ways to go deeper into their addiction.
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Old 09-30-2017, 04:48 PM
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Some may get off the elevator before it hits rock bottom.

What a blessing that would be.

M-Bob
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Old 10-02-2017, 07:34 AM
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I don't think the term Rock Bottom should ever be used. Some don't have a "Rock Bottom" it is death. I think it's a term that misleads people, especially families in dealing with their qualifier.

In my experience, when my qualifier did something that was horrible, I thought, OK, this is his "Rock Bottom." Well no actually. Addiction ebbs and flows. It goes through stages. This is also where you will hear the term "functioning addict" at times.

I think that an addict will come to their own terms to recover, or not. They can go along for a REALLY LONG TIME in active abuse, and families expecting them to find some "rock bottom" may be surprised to find they don't have one.

That is just my two cents drawn from my own personal experiences in dealing with the addict in my life.
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Old 10-02-2017, 09:36 AM
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I bailed my son out once, after his tearful pleas broke my heart and he promised to do anything we asked, go to meetings, go to rehab...anything...if I would only bail him out.

So I did.

We had not even arrived home when he got out of the car and went to use again.

That was the last and only time I bailed anyone out of jail. I learned my lesson the hard way.

Prayers out for your brother.

Hugs
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