OpheliaKatz

I've separated from my abusive AH. During the time that I was with him, I was also 150% focused on his mental health issues and the problems that were caused by his addiction. I let my own life go in the trash. I kept thinking that I could help him find a solution, even though it was clear he didn't want a solution to his drug abuse. By the time the drug abuse became life-endangering for him, and I decided to create boundaries, and I attempted to talk to him about them, he became violent and I had to remove myself from the situation. In the past, I had ignored what were glaring red flags. For example, I had seen hints of rage in him when I used the word "sober" to describe what he was not. I had often let him shout at me because I thought, "he's mentally unwell, he can't help it". He lied for years, sometimes even about small things, and I forgave him repeatedly because he was "mentally unwell". Whenever I saw a therapist for myself, I would leave the session with ideas on how to help AH.

Some people tell me that unless he physically gets in my way or physically hurts me, it's not abuse. Lying is not abuse. Screaming and shouting are not abuse. Breaking the house is not abuse. Telling you that you deserve to be screamed at and lied to are not abuse. "You were trying to help him for years, why would he suddenly be abusive now? Or did you just notice that he was abusive?" Yet it feels like abuse to me. I feel like I need to hear someone say: YES, that was not cool, that was abuse.

I have only been to one Naranon meeting, because they meet at an inconvenient time for me. Alanon also does not meet at a convenient time/place. What would the people at Naranon or Alanon say about abuse -- are addicts covert abusers?

I really need to be believed because for the first time, I am telling the truth about his actions and my role in enabling them. I've come out and said that I was enabling his addiction, I didn't know better so that is what I did. I'm being truthful, but it seems that people would rather hear me say that he's just a sick, sick, sick man in need of rescuing and I could have tried harder to rescue him instead of abandon him. I'm pretty much depleted. I have no energy to rescue anyone anymore (sometimes, not even myself). After we separated, I suddenly felt as if a weight had lifted off me and I didn't even know it had been weighing me down.

I also have conflicting feelings because I miss the person he was before he was an addict -- or was he ever really that person? I feel guilt and also feel guilt about feeling guilt.

SmallButMighty

Being lied to, intimidated, neglected, ridiculed, manipulated, yelled at, are absolutely forms of abuse. Don't believe anyone who tells you different! Just because he wasn't beating you senseless does not mean he wasn't mentally and emotionally abusive, because he absolutely was.

Your feelings are 100% valid. It doesn't matter what he thinks you should feel and it doesn't matter what your friends and family members think you should feel. You feel what you feel, you know what you know. You are entitled to your feels and no one should be telling you otherwise.

You seem to be realizing the things you need to, to get yourself healthy. Recognizing things you did that contributed to the sick relationship is a big step in the right direction.

Keep working on you, you are doing a great job. Try not to let people who haven't been through it influence what you know to be true.

Hugs.

AntoinetteP

"Some people" have strange ideas about abuse because they can't recognize it themselves, fo them it's life as usual. Don't listen to everyone, take a deep breath and know your truth.

AnvilheadII

i think some people have similar ideas about what abuse LOOKS like as they do for addicts or alcoholics. if they don't have six needles hanging out of their arm, or swill booze from a paper bag under a bridge, they are just normal users.

this site gives a thorough description of abuse in it's many forms....
Types of Abuse « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness

Ann

That link Anvilhead provided is excellent.

"Those people" have no idea what abuse looks like or what addiction looks like, you have seen both up close and personal.

I found, especially early in my recovery, that I was best to be selectiv about who I confided in. Meetings were a life saver for me, and SR in its early days (15 years ago and I'm still learning) and friend who I know have a good understanding of addiction.

People who have never seen addiction or abuse, or prefer to think they have not, have no idea what it is like to be us. And I pray they never find out.

I am glad you have found the safety of separation, I know it is and will be hard for you but living with abuse is dangerous and only gets worse with time.

I too was an enabler to my addicted son. When I knew better, I did better. It was hard for me to accept that it was more loving to let him go and to let go of trying to make him change, than to continue to feed the hungry bear of addiction.

I will keep you in my prayers. Many days prayer is all that saw me through.

Hugs

nonnie6

Wow!! This post really hit home with me except it is my adult son that I have enabled and that has definitely abused me...for years!! What you have encountered...I have encountered and YES!! IT IS ABUSE!! I am so sorry for you...don't listen to people that haven't lived this Hell!! I too have just now, after my son's abuse, has resulted in him going to jail for some serious stuff...have realized how much I enabled his addiction...I didn't mean to. I thought if I just loved him more and more...he would see what he was doing and WANT to straighten up...boy was I wrong!!! You are doing the right thing by walking away...so am I but it hurts so, so bad. I will pray for you. Much love!!

OpheliaKatz

Thanks for everyone who answered this. The link that Anvilhead provided was useful.

I wish that people knew more about abuse and addiction, because it's so lonely on the other side of it, even though it's safer. I am starting to doubt my choice of separating, but the memory of what life was like with the addict is like a nightmare. It was hell. It was so crazy, it seems unreal... and I think that's part of my I'm doubting myself. I find myself thinking: did that craziness REALLY happen? Did he really end up naked in the street or was that a crazy dream? It really doesn't help at all when people start questioning me when I say that I feel safer with no contact. I just feel safer with no contact because... it's a gut feeling, oh and also the last time I saw him, he was violent (even my neighbors thought so... but strangely, after some of them found out that the crazy man destroying things in the middle of the night was my husband, they said that if they had known it was my husband, they would not have called the police... because it's okay for a man to beat his wife, apparently).

It could that that all of AH's abusive behaviors were intrinsically part of the intense self-absorption of addiction; but if you take the drugs away, there is no way to know if his actual non-drug affected personality is abusive. I can't take that risk, so I'm very sad because I feel like I've lost a lot and also never had anything to begin with (except for a dream, and now I don't even have a dream).

Note: when I say I have doubts, I mean that I feel my conviction wavering because I don't feel supported. I don't mean that I have regrets. I honestly do not regret the separation because since we separated, I have had more peace than I have had in... years. Peace and sadness and anger and a bit of fear (just a little bit), but not as much fear and anger as when I was the rescuer/provoker/victim to his addiction.

OpheliaKatz

Nonnie, I used to say all the time, "I wish I could love you so much that all your problems melted away." Can you say: OKatz lived in a fantasy land? Because I did. I might as well have said, "I wish I got $100 every time you were high." In a support meeting I attended, I was told that I was lucky that the A was not my child, because it's not possible to leave a child. I am also told that I'm lucky that I did not have children with an abuser. I don't feel lucky. Not having children really is a source of grief for me, and my current age precludes a second chance at parenthood. Also, AH was my "child" for years. I think I loved him like a parent -- like I said, OKatz, is crazy. It wasn't supposed to be like that, but that is what it became. There were so many accidents after which I had to tend to his wounds or bathe him or feed him or entertain him (to keep him from flipping out and screaming). It was too much. Really like losing a (demon) child, except he's not dead (that I know of). He treated his real mother like complete garbage and they have been estranged for a long, long time now.

Ann

You may have lost your dream of what life "could have been", that is painful and hard.

Once you process the pain and settle in your new life, you will be able to make new dreams of "what can be" and then follow that dream with your own actions to make it come true. You hold the key to your happiness, no one else can take that away from you.

Hugs

Hechosedrugs

I went through something similar. My ex husband was a "war hero", or so he led everyone to believe (all lies- he never even saw combat). Everyone thought he was the most wonderful, doting father and husband. When I filed a restraining order and left town, he took that opportunity to engage in a massive smear campaign, covering all his bases to make sure that he told his side of the story before I would get a chance to. I felt so alone. Every once in a while someone would reach out to me, and act like they were my friend. But they just wanted the gossip, and many of them reported back to him.

You are in a really fragile position. You need to seek out people who will help you be strong. Anyone else is a liability to your life and sanity. It's okay to choose not to associate with people who are not supportive, even if they are close family or friends. There is just too much at stake right now. YOU need to be your top priority.

You are doing so well. I'm proud of you. It's all so fresh and painful, but you are making great strides. Pay attention to the progress you're making. Hold yourself accountable by journaling. You can do this.

nonnie6

O Katz may I ask you a question? I noticed in one of your posts you commented that your AH was in the street nude. Could you please tell me about that? Why was he nude? Did this happen often? Was it only when he was high? What kind of drugs does he use?...the reason I am asking is that my son was arrested a little over a month ago for going into a neighbors house, high, nude, bleeding from self inflicted wounds. I have been searching the web for nudity and drug issues...when I saw your words I thought maybe you could shed some light on my situation...thank you in advance.

OpheliaKatz

Nonnie, sending you a PM.