Ilovemysonjj

always trust your gut Nonnie. When they move back, its very easy to fall back into patterns of nurturing and enabling because we are so happy to see them "normal". I made the mistake of taking my role way to far with JJ whenever he would bounce slightly back. Hang in there, you know from your own experience what the battle is for your son.

hopeful4

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Many parents let their loved ones come back, they do well, then slip. I think it would be wise to have a plan in place for when and if that does happen. A contract that he signs and you sign. A clear plan. It's just hard to say get out, you cannot stay here when there is no plan on action for them.

Gentle hugs to you and your son.

nonnie6

Thank you all for giving me such great advice and support!! So far he is doing well...seems very down embarrassed by everything. He has made attempts to apologize to everyone involved and to try to make amends for his actions...his decisions entirely. Yes I understand about paying close attention to my actions and not falling back into that enabling role. It is so hard because they were, at one time, your little child...I watch myself closely and have asked my husband to please tell me if he sees me slipping. I agree with the plan of action and will definitely work on that with my son. Thank you all for continued prayer for strength and clarity for us...I will be praying for all of you and your loved ones as well!! Much love!!!

nonnie6

He is back to working everyday also and he has also started working out...something he found in jail...which definitely helps clear his mind and helps him sleep. I am glad, now, that I left him in jail. He "seems" to have learned a lot from being in there...it was not a good experience for him. I am not banking on anything but I pray with all my heart , being in jail was a turning point for him...if you have a loved one in jail and are questioning your choice of letting them sit it out in jail...like I was...I can definitely say...it seems to have been the best thing I could have ever done. I have also told him that if he screws up and lands back in jail...I will not be there at all this time. Tough love is so, so hard but worth it!!

Ann

Tough love is tough on US, letting our loved one pay the consequences to their actions...and actually learn something in the process.

Keeping your son in my prayers, that he stays on a good path and that his time in jail was a good learning experience for him.

Well done.

Hugs

nonnie6

Hi everyone, I am sad to say that my son relapsed, after weeks of doing so well...working, actually spending time with his family. He was more like "my son" than I have seen in years. Friday night he didn't come home and messaged me with a lie...I later found out. Then he was gone again saturday and sunday nights...when he came home monday evening he was beyond intoxicated. He was belligerent to me and to his younger sister. He was screaming at me and blaming me for all of his problems. My youngest daughter had to get in between me and him and she asked him to please stop screaming at me. I made him leave. Later I messaged him and told him he could not live at my house any more...that was our deal. He could stay here as long as he didn't drink or do drugs...It was so disappointing to see him like this again...so heartbreaking to hear his anger towards me and the cruel and horrible things he chose to say to me. I am not a perfect mother...but I have always loved my children more than anything and I have truly done my best for them. I know this in my heart so I really don't understand why he blames me for his problems. When he is sober, he is very kind to me, but when he is drunk or high he is incredibly mean...he turns into someone that I truly don't know. It is very hard...but I have to stick to not allowing him to return to my house. I cannot deal with the hurt and pain anymore. It is truly sad how an addict can ruin everyone's lives...

PuzzledHeart

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been following your story and I was hoping so much that your son found his way.

I know this with my sister - sometimes addicts blame others for their problems because they're not ready to accept responsibility for their own decisions. I know this fact probably doesn't make you feel better at all, but it can be so hard to figure out what's true and what's not.

I'm glad you're holding the line, especially for your other children. They need you too.

kwinner2

I'm so sorry. take some comfort in it was the drugs/alcohol being hateful. usually, in my experience, it comes out of their anger/shame at themselves. we are just easy targets. sometimes it helps to seperate the one we love with who they become when using. i think alanon says love the addict hate the addiction or some such thing. you did right by not bailing him out. and youre doing right now by holding to your boundaries. i know its so hard to take comfort in doing the right thing sometimes but i tell myself at least im not contributing to his destruction. my husband went to prison for stealing from my daughter. i called the police. he already had theft charges (supporting his addiction) 14 months. he came out clean and strong and the man i knew and loved. i dont regret makimg the call. it saved his life. but it only lasted 3 months after he got out. ive come to believe it takes real, professional, intensive rehab, learning the skills and healing from whatever trauma or personality disorder encourages their addiction, in most cases, to break the cycle. you and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers xo

nonnie6

Thank you for your replies. My heart is broken again and he just keeps pushing me via texts and messages to let him come back home. I can't. I'm scared of him and so is my daughter...we love him so, so much but when he gets messed up he is scary. He has vehicles and he makes good money when he works so it's not like i'm just asking him to leave with nothing...He is 32 years old and he has given his whole life to alcohol and or drugs...it is so, so sad. I know i'm doing the right thing by making him find his own place and by distancing myself from him but I guess like all mom's it hurts. Thank you for taking the time to support me in this decision..he isn't making it easy so your words really help. Much love and prayers to all of you.

Sephra

So sorry it's taken this turn. I know you were hoping so much it would be different.
I know its hard, but the best thing for YOU right now would probably be to block the texts. It's not ok, the way he's treating you. (He's resourceful and found a way to contact you last time) and you and your daughter should Not be afraid in your own home. It sounds like right now he is doing a lot of flailing about and manipulating to get back in.
I've learned that in addictive addiction they ALWAYS blame someone else. It is HIS choice and NOT on you. At 32 he is not a child. A grown man.
I'm sorry your hurting. Try to stay strong.

hopeful4

I too am so sorry to hear he relapsed.

You would not be doing him any favors allowing him to come home, even if he is clean. A 32 year old man needs to establish his own space, away from home.

Big hugs.

atalose

Because that’s what alcoholics/addict do – they blame!!! They never take responsibility for their own actions.

And you shouldn’t have to. Even though today it may not feel like the right decision, please know it was the best decision you could make for your younger child and yourself. If he has any belonging at your home I would pack them up and put them in the driveway or on the front porch, text him and tell him he is no longer welcome in your home until he can keep himself clean/sober for at least a year. And to come pick up his clothes/belongings which you will leave in __________and put a date that this must happen by otherwise you will donate them.

There is a reason they say alcoholics/addict don’t have relationships they take hostages, so don’t negotiate with him.

When he’s drunk/high and spewing what they spew remember the acronym
QTIP

Quite

Taking

It

Personally

He’s not drinking/drugging at you, he’s just doing it because that’s what A’s do.

Hang in there, peaceful days are ahead, just stick to your boundaries.

nonnie6

Thank you all again...I cannot express to you how much I need your support right now. I know he is way grown and for the longest I would let him stay with me or help him because I thought he might have mental issues...I did learn this from his jail time....he does not have mental issues!! He is making these choices himself!!! He is an addict!! It was so hard for me to admit to his addictions for the longest time...but I now know that he is and addict...he does all the typical "addict" things...lying, covering up, blaming, anger, isolation, using, manipulating, hurting anyone that truly cares for him. I found myself scared to come home from work today...I didn't want to see my son...I freeze when the phone rings or the text goes off. I have locked myself in my house and pulled all the curtains...I don't want the encounter with him. I would have never, ever dreamed I would be frightened of my child...

nonnie6

atalose...I want to thank you for your message...it truly hit home...

nonnie6

Shaking like a leaf right now...my son and his addict cousin just showed up beating on my doors...asking me to help him. I told him no...I told him to leave and to figure it out...He was saying he had no where to go...would I please help him...I just couldn't let myself go there again....I ran them both off and told them to figure it out...I wasn't gonna help and I wasn't here for either of them anymore.
I am not sure what I am feeling right now. Hurt that I had to do that...wanting to run away...kinda feeling proud of myself...it's the first time I have ever stood up for myself like that...
I did the right thing...right?? I know I did...I know I did...

MAYA1

Could he be dangerous to you? Especially under influence? Be careful.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Nonnie, please call the police and get a restraining order or a do not contact order. It is unacceptable what your son is doing. If a stranger did that, you wouldn't hesitate to call the cops. You do NOT want to be in the way of your sons path right now. He just may hit bottom and that is where he can choose to stop digging. Or not. Either way, he is not behaving in an acceptable manner and he needs to know you will not tolerate it. Hugs and support to you!
PS: He can go to Salvation Army. Its free.

nonnie6

MAYA1 I hate to say this...but maybe....only under the influence. He has always been such a kind person expect when he is drinking or taking drugs...then he becomes...I don't know what he becomes...someone I am scared of. This is heart wrenching...to say the least...but if I don't stand up now...I never will...he will continue to use me and hurt me...I have to stand my ground!!

Hechosedrugs

So sorry, Nonnie. How awful.

It does sound like a dangerous situation. It really is true that sometimes you have to look at the addiction, not the person. He's basically possessed right now. You don't know what he's capable of.

I do hope he will find recovery soon. In the meantime, I hope you can do whatever is necessary to protect yourself.

hopeful4

I think you did the right thing.

If you feel you have to be proactive, print a list of all the local agencies that are homeless shelters and rehabs that will take him for free (Salvation Army,etc). It's likely he will keep coming back, don't cave. Instead, if you feel you MUST do something, give him this list.

Hugs, many hugs. Stay safe.