Trying to figure this out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1
Trying to figure this out
I think I am at my witts end. I have dealt with friends and family in the past that went through treatment and everything but now I am faced with dealing with my boyfriend who is suffering with addiction.
When I met him he was maybe 10 years sober. Everything was great for the first 5 years. So in total he was sober for abut 15 years before he started using again. We started living together and about a year in his family experienced some drama. It was partially involving us but I was mostly hurt by the situation. I was devastated and I guess he felt helpless and went back to using. I knew he was acting weird but I was in denial. Finally I found it in his pocket when he fell asleep one day. I tried to leave and he begged me to stay that he wanted to get better and he thought he was doing it on his own but he couldnt and that he needed me blah blah blah. It has since been around 5 months since he started using again. He will go a few days without it and then back and then a few days sober and back again. It's very easily accessible for him and he says thats the problem but we cant afford yet to move. I have since changed his paycheck to a joint account so he cant take out money as easy. I monitor the phone records monthly. Random drug tests. However he has since added porn to his addictions and it drives me crazy. Basically now days I stay locked in our room and dont want to come out except for work. A few times I have tried to leave and he threatened suicide. I get so frustrated that I just ignore him and he tells me that makes it worse for him that it makes him want to relapse. I think his family knows but doesn't do anything but pretend like its not happening. He has insomnia. He always had that even when he was sober but now its much worse. He wants to get help but doesnt want to lose his job. I dont know what to do. This post could go on forever about everything but I guess ill start with this?
When I met him he was maybe 10 years sober. Everything was great for the first 5 years. So in total he was sober for abut 15 years before he started using again. We started living together and about a year in his family experienced some drama. It was partially involving us but I was mostly hurt by the situation. I was devastated and I guess he felt helpless and went back to using. I knew he was acting weird but I was in denial. Finally I found it in his pocket when he fell asleep one day. I tried to leave and he begged me to stay that he wanted to get better and he thought he was doing it on his own but he couldnt and that he needed me blah blah blah. It has since been around 5 months since he started using again. He will go a few days without it and then back and then a few days sober and back again. It's very easily accessible for him and he says thats the problem but we cant afford yet to move. I have since changed his paycheck to a joint account so he cant take out money as easy. I monitor the phone records monthly. Random drug tests. However he has since added porn to his addictions and it drives me crazy. Basically now days I stay locked in our room and dont want to come out except for work. A few times I have tried to leave and he threatened suicide. I get so frustrated that I just ignore him and he tells me that makes it worse for him that it makes him want to relapse. I think his family knows but doesn't do anything but pretend like its not happening. He has insomnia. He always had that even when he was sober but now its much worse. He wants to get help but doesnt want to lose his job. I dont know what to do. This post could go on forever about everything but I guess ill start with this?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
That he is blaming you and how you act for his addiction and threatening to kill himself (more manipulation) is a clear sign that he isn't ready to get clean any time soon, nor is he taking any responsibility at all for his bad behaviour and choices.
This is no way to live. Do you have family that could help you now? You work, so maybe you could find your own place and put some space between you while you put your life back together.
He will keep using or stop, he will choose to live or die, regardless of anything you do or don't do.
You cannot save him, but now is the time to save yourself before this gets even worse.
Hugs
Basically now days I stay locked in our room and dont want to come out except for work. A few times I have tried to leave and he threatened suicide. I get so frustrated that I just ignore him and he tells me that makes it worse for him that it makes him want to relapse. I think his family knows but doesn't do anything but pretend like its not happening. He has insomnia.
He will keep using or stop, he will choose to live or die, regardless of anything you do or don't do.
You cannot save him, but now is the time to save yourself before this gets even worse.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, naturaldisaster.
Welcome.
From your post, it sounds like your partner is deep into his addiction and not yet ready to embrace recovery.
None of this is about you, though he would like you to believe it is.
Time to go, I think.
Good luck anf good thoughts.
Welcome.
From your post, it sounds like your partner is deep into his addiction and not yet ready to embrace recovery.
None of this is about you, though he would like you to believe it is.
Time to go, I think.
Good luck anf good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
* I have since changed his paycheck to a joint account so he cant take out money as easy.*
Does this mean he has access to your finances? If so, I would keep the joint account, but funnel most of your money to a private account in only your name. Be smart, it takes a very short time to lose everything.
Does this mean he has access to your finances? If so, I would keep the joint account, but funnel most of your money to a private account in only your name. Be smart, it takes a very short time to lose everything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
First I am very sorry you are experiencing this and feeling isolated, scared and unsure of what to do.
Addiction is life long, it does not matter how many years he HAD clean he’s back to not being clean and from what you shared no intention of getting himself clean any time soon. That job he uses as his excuse for not getting help, isn’t going to be there very long, then what? Could you handle the rent/mortgage all on your own? Plus all the other monthly expenses? Car insurance, car payments, his drug habit, etc. etc.
His family didn’t cause his relapse, his lack of commitment and taking action to remain clean is all on him. There is nothing his family could do just like there is nothing you can do, and that’s hard to accept.
Try and take emotions out of this and look at the relationship for what it is today. You having to monitor his phone, you having to monitor the bank accounts, you making him take random drug tests. It’s not a healthy happy relationship is more like you are the prison warden with the exception, that you are the one in isolation behind that closed bedroom door seeking peace. No way to live.
Addicts blame everyone and anyone except themselves for their behaviors. It’s hard not to take it personally but when we choose to remain and take it we shouldn’t be surprised. Just like we shouldn’t be surprised when they make promises to stop, promises to seek help YET their actions never back up those words. Addict behaviors only grow worse over time unless the addict decides for himself or herself without being made to or quilted into recovery. Addicts use the suicide threat often to keep you hostage and unless you are a professional who is familiar with threats of suicide and can handle it on your own, call 911 next time he says it.
Addiction is life long, it does not matter how many years he HAD clean he’s back to not being clean and from what you shared no intention of getting himself clean any time soon. That job he uses as his excuse for not getting help, isn’t going to be there very long, then what? Could you handle the rent/mortgage all on your own? Plus all the other monthly expenses? Car insurance, car payments, his drug habit, etc. etc.
His family didn’t cause his relapse, his lack of commitment and taking action to remain clean is all on him. There is nothing his family could do just like there is nothing you can do, and that’s hard to accept.
Try and take emotions out of this and look at the relationship for what it is today. You having to monitor his phone, you having to monitor the bank accounts, you making him take random drug tests. It’s not a healthy happy relationship is more like you are the prison warden with the exception, that you are the one in isolation behind that closed bedroom door seeking peace. No way to live.
Addicts blame everyone and anyone except themselves for their behaviors. It’s hard not to take it personally but when we choose to remain and take it we shouldn’t be surprised. Just like we shouldn’t be surprised when they make promises to stop, promises to seek help YET their actions never back up those words. Addict behaviors only grow worse over time unless the addict decides for himself or herself without being made to or quilted into recovery. Addicts use the suicide threat often to keep you hostage and unless you are a professional who is familiar with threats of suicide and can handle it on your own, call 911 next time he says it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
To start things on a lighter, hopefully more humorous note, our nickname for the drummer in my old band was "The Natural Disaster". I won't get into why...long story, and being this is a family forum, I'll leave it to your imagination.
I'm glad you found us and took that all important first step to post. I'm sorry that you're going through this. The simplest, most general feedback I can give you is to get in touch with your moral and ethical compass, which is surprisingly easy. The hard part is to follow through with action when you get in touch with your moral and ethical compass.
I got married 11 days ago in the Caribbean to a wonderful woman, and while I am a man and I will always appreciate how beautiful women can be, porn for me is out of the question. And that's because indulging in porn is orthogonal to the vows I took to my wife. Granted, you're only dating him, but the question you want to ask yourself is why would you tolerate someone getting his rocks off elsewhere when his attention should be on you?
That's something for you to think about. Don't settle for anything in this life. You don't have to tolerate anything one nanosecond longer than you want to.
Keep us posted.
I'm glad you found us and took that all important first step to post. I'm sorry that you're going through this. The simplest, most general feedback I can give you is to get in touch with your moral and ethical compass, which is surprisingly easy. The hard part is to follow through with action when you get in touch with your moral and ethical compass.
I got married 11 days ago in the Caribbean to a wonderful woman, and while I am a man and I will always appreciate how beautiful women can be, porn for me is out of the question. And that's because indulging in porn is orthogonal to the vows I took to my wife. Granted, you're only dating him, but the question you want to ask yourself is why would you tolerate someone getting his rocks off elsewhere when his attention should be on you?
That's something for you to think about. Don't settle for anything in this life. You don't have to tolerate anything one nanosecond longer than you want to.
Keep us posted.
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