I don't know how to help my husband

Old 09-10-2017, 05:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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I don't know how to help my husband

My husband has an addiction to pain pills. He has been struggling with this most of his adult life. I've known him for almost 2 years we got married after 6 months. I love him so much and he is such a sweet and caring man. He was getting high to the point of nodding off and it would terrify me I felt like I had to take on the role as his babysitter. I couldn't let him leave the house without me in case I had to stop him from driving. One night a few months ago, my worst nightmare he wasn't answering his phone he was supposed to be picking up pizza and never came home. Luckily he shares his location with me on his phone, so I was able to go look for him. In my heart I was thinking he was dead. To my relief he was in jail for driving while impaired. His judge then ordered him to go to rehab. I thought this was gong to make him better. He is doing better, just not good enough. I haven't seen him actually look high but he still does take a pill here and there which causes him to miss court appointed drug tests. Now I'm pregnant and I'm scared he's going to go away again I don't know why he's not taking this seriously. He's not even getting high I don't understand why it's worth it to take anything. He always says he wants his family more than drugs and he would be dead if I left him, I don't see the proof to back it up! What can I do?
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HardLessons (09-11-2017)
Old 09-10-2017, 06:27 PM
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Sorry to see you here. But glad you reached out.

Since you are here, it sounds like it's become a big problem.

Most times, after pain pills dry up, the addiction will shift to heroin. My xagf is a heroin addict for a year, and it's getting worse and worse.

The experts here will come soon and in a much more educated from experience way tell you the only thing you can do is help yourself and get on it soon.

Alanon/naranon/celebrate recovery, and this forum are great places to be.

Take it serious and get the tools to help you survive and keep going if you choose to stay with him.

I myself ignored the problem. It was easy for me to take the focus off of my own problems I was not facing, and shine them on her. I tried to shame her out of addiction, because I just didn't understand it, nor did I even bother.

You can't really help him. That's going to be his choice. You guys are married. If you stay and work on yourself, you won't have the baggage of your own bad choices and possible stuff to work through should he ever decide to get clean. Should you leave at some point, getting your own help will make that much easier on your heart and soul.

I am now learning to work on me. But after I caused very much emotional damage. Damage that would end a relationship on its own.

I have to carry that. There are many articles on what you can do to help, and what is harming.

I can tell you something else. I feel like it's pretty grim when it comes to opiods. It's a nightmare. Truly the worst evil I have encountered. In particular an opiod addicts main purpose in life is dope seeking. They will become different people before your eyes. When the pills run out, heroin will replace. Then it really gets bad. From what I understand, most heroin addicts never return from the dark journey. It's a battle for the soul. Once awakened in most people it never rests. Even through recovery, the addict never truly forgets. It's like once you know, you can never go back.

It may sound pretty bad, but I think I've put it lightly actually. Only glossed there surface of what it truly does to a person forever.

People get clean and live healthy lives. Years later the monster has been waiting deep in the reptile mind, and can spring to life and crush everyone involved all over again.

So work on yourself, become a light for change. Should he decide on his own to get clean... or not... you will be ready to go either way.

Had I done my work, when I should have, this would all be easier. Who knows, I could have helped her and been a solid rock for good. Even if a miracle was performed, and my dream cam3 true of us both becoming recovered, my lack of getting my own help really caused damage.

Like I said. Knowledgeable caring people will be along soon to help you help yourself. I'm just new and going through it.

Be well and stay strong.
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Old 09-10-2017, 06:38 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Hi, patienthope.
Welcome to SR.
I wish I could tell you that if you just tried hard enough, your husband would heal and embrace recovery.
Sadly, that isn't possible.
You can't cure him, and you can't control his use.
Do you have family support? Friends? People you can count on?
I would suggest group support as well, like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
There you will meet people who have been in your situation, and have a lot of experience, strength, and hope to offer.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 09-11-2017, 08:02 AM
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"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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I agree with what Johnnie360 and Maudcat said. Please get help for yourself and join Alanon or Narcanon family groups. Read some books about codependency (Melodie Beattie has written a few books about it: "The New Codependency"). Make sure you are clear about your boundaries: do not lend money or enable them by "fixing" the outcome of their choices. Finally, one of the most important things you can do now is to make sure your bank accounts are separate. In the event that you have to leave him suddenly (and I'm not saying you will have to do this, but it's possible), you need to have your own money. If you keep a joint account, he can spend every last cent until there's nothing for emergencies (and by that I don't mean emergencies that he creates).

I tried to keep my boundaries as much as possible, but I think that if I had been getting help from a family group such as Alanon, I might be in a better place today. I don't know if my STBAXH would be in a better place, but I know I would have been in a better place emotionally and financially, if I had had help.

Please keep reading SR. Take time to care for your needs. Take time to cry. Go out. Eat right. Exercise.

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