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Profound Sadness

Old 09-08-2017, 10:02 AM
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Profound Sadness

I've been lurking on this website for quite sometime. My husband has been addicted to pain pills for at least 5 years and alcohol for probably 15 or more. When using alcohol alone, his job didn't suffer, but his family life did. We have been separated for a little over an year and a half. I finally forced him out because people were pulling into my driveway selling pills. We both have adequate income, but I finally realized that his use was causing considerable financial strain.
We've had our ups and downs-dating off and on during the separation. Eventually, he grew tired of renting and I paid him out his portion of the house. He first asked if he could move back in rather than purchase a home. I told him if he was clean and sober for 6 months, we could talk about it. He said he was willing to quit the pills, but not the alcohol. So he buys a house. Summer came and we saw each other less frequently and I definitely felt the distance. Upon moving my daughter into her dorm, I suddenly felt the reality that I now had one in college and one in high school and now was the time I could finally start to enjoy life more. I thought maybe it was worth extending an olive branch.
One week later, he posts a picture on social media of him and a woman. I went ahead with asking if there was any point in working on our relationship while making it clear that the two of us couldn't work on a relationship if there were 3. He said he had fun with this woman, but overall didn't express that she was his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, he actually said disparaging comments about her. He said he was unsure if we could work things out, but moved in the direction of staying some and going out together. He said he would like it if I went with him to a suboxone clinic for his first visit and said he would change his phone number. (he did neither)
A week later, he posts a picture with this woman to his instagram account. My 14 year old daughter sees this and is absolutely heartbroken. In an irate state, I messaged the woman blowing his cover and mentioned the substance abuse. He's furious with me and "maybe people will get the hint when they see a happy healthy man because I don't have to deal with you anymore. Now I see I would have been miserable with you because you are a POS." Everything is my fault and he refuses to take responsibility for anything. I filed the papers for divorce as that is the only way I can get the 401K he owes me and I'm afraid he may run through it. My children and I are both in counseling and I am going to try Al-anon again. Despite it all, I do love him. He says he absolutely has no love for me at all, although that is not what he was saying the past two weeks. Why can't I get that statement out of my head? Why am I afraid that he will get clean and sober for her and I was never enough?
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Old 09-08-2017, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Heelkat View Post
I've been lurking on this website for quite sometime. My husband has been addicted to pain pills for at least 5 years and alcohol for probably 15 or more. When using alcohol alone, his job didn't suffer, but his family life did. We have been separated for a little over an year and a half. I finally forced him out because people were pulling into my driveway selling pills. We both have adequate income, but I finally realized that his use was causing considerable financial strain.
We've had our ups and downs-dating off and on during the separation. Eventually, he grew tired of renting and I paid him out his portion of the house. He first asked if he could move back in rather than purchase a home. I told him if he was clean and sober for 6 months, we could talk about it. He said he was willing to quit the pills, but not the alcohol. So he buys a house. Summer came and we saw each other less frequently and I definitely felt the distance. Upon moving my daughter into her dorm, I suddenly felt the reality that I now had one in college and one in high school and now was the time I could finally start to enjoy life more. I thought maybe it was worth extending an olive branch.
One week later, he posts a picture on social media of him and a woman. I went ahead with asking if there was any point in working on our relationship while making it clear that the two of us couldn't work on a relationship if there were 3. He said he had fun with this woman, but overall didn't express that she was his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, he actually said disparaging comments about her. He said he was unsure if we could work things out, but moved in the direction of staying some and going out together. He said he would like it if I went with him to a suboxone clinic for his first visit and said he would change his phone number. (he did neither)
A week later, he posts a picture with this woman to his instagram account. My 14 year old daughter sees this and is absolutely heartbroken. In an irate state, I messaged the woman blowing his cover and mentioned the substance abuse. He's furious with me and "maybe people will get the hint when they see a happy healthy man because I don't have to deal with you anymore. Now I see I would have been miserable with you because you are a POS." Everything is my fault and he refuses to take responsibility for anything. I filed the papers for divorce as that is the only way I can get the 401K he owes me and I'm afraid he may run through it. My children and I are both in counseling and I am going to try Al-anon again. Despite it all, I do love him. He says he absolutely has no love for me at all, although that is not what he was saying the past two weeks. Why can't I get that statement out of my head? Why am I afraid that he will get clean and sober for her and I was never enough?
I'm so sorry.

I hope you are educating yourself about addiction. If so, you'll see that what he's doing is not personal, it's just what addicts do. My ex did the same thing. One moment he was head over heels in love with me, the next he was updating his relationship status.

Question- what makes you think this new girl is unaware of his addiction, or at least, was until you told her about it? My experience has been that as addiction progresses, the addict gets tired of hiding it and just wants to be around other users.

Anyway, it's going to hurt for a while. Just know that he's done you a favor. He's on a sinking ship and will take you and your daughter down with him if you let him.

Do whatever you can to make yourself strong. Go to church (if you're religious), join a softball team, a knitting club, take square dancing lessons, whatever it is that you can stand at that gets you out of your head and around others. Remember that isolation is the worst thing for you right now.

This will pass and you will be a better and stronger person for it.

All the best.
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Old 09-08-2017, 03:08 PM
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First off, very sorry for your pain. I feel it too. Most others here feel it, or have felt it.

Its pretty hard to wrap my head around the fact that we all come from unique situations, but our pain is exactly the same. Its the same outcome every time. The same comments, and stories, a few different twists and turns, but the same ending and pain in the end.

Its heart breaking that we must all endure this.

I guess all there is to do is go through the damn pain and trust in what the people who are on the otherside have to say, that we will be better, stronger, and happier in the end.
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Old 09-09-2017, 05:32 AM
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This man sounds incredibly selfish. I understand your sadness. I feel that way too sometimes.

He had children with you. If he can't get clean for his children, I doubt he can get clean for his new girlfriend(s). I also think... he won't get clean unless he wants to do it for himself. This girl has no idea what she's in for. She probably won't listen to you either because he's manipulated her (or like others have said, she's also using drugs). I wish I had known what I was in for 10 years ago... .

Originally Posted by Heelkat View Post
I've been lurking on this website for quite sometime. My husband has been addicted to pain pills for at least 5 years and alcohol for probably 15 or more. When using alcohol alone, his job didn't suffer, but his family life did. We have been separated for a little over an year and a half. I finally forced him out because people were pulling into my driveway selling pills. We both have adequate income, but I finally realized that his use was causing considerable financial strain.
We've had our ups and downs-dating off and on during the separation. Eventually, he grew tired of renting and I paid him out his portion of the house. He first asked if he could move back in rather than purchase a home. I told him if he was clean and sober for 6 months, we could talk about it. He said he was willing to quit the pills, but not the alcohol. So he buys a house. Summer came and we saw each other less frequently and I definitely felt the distance. Upon moving my daughter into her dorm, I suddenly felt the reality that I now had one in college and one in high school and now was the time I could finally start to enjoy life more. I thought maybe it was worth extending an olive branch.
One week later, he posts a picture on social media of him and a woman. I went ahead with asking if there was any point in working on our relationship while making it clear that the two of us couldn't work on a relationship if there were 3. He said he had fun with this woman, but overall didn't express that she was his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, he actually said disparaging comments about her. He said he was unsure if we could work things out, but moved in the direction of staying some and going out together. He said he would like it if I went with him to a suboxone clinic for his first visit and said he would change his phone number. (he did neither)
A week later, he posts a picture with this woman to his instagram account. My 14 year old daughter sees this and is absolutely heartbroken. In an irate state, I messaged the woman blowing his cover and mentioned the substance abuse. He's furious with me and "maybe people will get the hint when they see a happy healthy man because I don't have to deal with you anymore. Now I see I would have been miserable with you because you are a POS." Everything is my fault and he refuses to take responsibility for anything. I filed the papers for divorce as that is the only way I can get the 401K he owes me and I'm afraid he may run through it. My children and I are both in counseling and I am going to try Al-anon again. Despite it all, I do love him. He says he absolutely has no love for me at all, although that is not what he was saying the past two weeks. Why can't I get that statement out of my head? Why am I afraid that he will get clean and sober for her and I was never enough?
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Old 09-14-2017, 10:57 AM
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He told the girl he no longer wanted to date her 4 days later. He told me every time they went out she got totally wasted and embarrassed him (Yikes). So, you were right that she also had issues.

We have been trying to communicate and he said he would like to try to work on our marriage, but felt he had trust issues with me since I blew his cover with new girl regarding his issues with substance abuse. He acknowledged that I had a right to have trust issues more than him. He said he had already started the ball rolling and had an appointment at a Suboxone clinic. I agreed to go with him. He said he would change his phone number so people couldn't get in touch with him.

Suboxone appointment 8:30 this morning. I was there. I get a call from him that he overslept so they said he would be too late and had to move it until Monday. He had stopped the pain pills as was required and then admitted he would have to go get some for the weekend. He was absolutely in tears, which never happens, so I knew he regretted it. However, I know this is his responsibility. He now seems extremely distant since just this morning. Am I reading into it? At first I thought it was me. Now I'm wondering if it's not thinking of me or trying to work on our 23 year marriage that is making him distant, but the idea that now he needs to go get enough pills to make it through the weekend and he likely won't be thinking about much else until he gets them.

And yet, I know somewhere deep down that probably none of this matters and making my marriage work is a pipe dream because there aren't really many stories that end with, and they lived happily ever after.
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