Addict left me?
 

hi there!

I'm in need of advice and support as I'm feeling very confused.
I've been with an addict for over 5 years. I have seen him at his lowest points. I myself am sober and have never been an addict. I don't drink or smoke so I was always good for him to be around. I was there for him when he was in and out of jail. All of his family are alcoholics, and all of his friends either drink or do drugs. He was on probation so he was having to stay sober.
I supported his sobriety for a long time. A few months ago he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue. He told me our relationship has no potential and that everything is my fault. We were broken up for 2 months. He reached out to me and said he missed me. He admitted to me that he had began smoking weed and drinking a lot. A couple weeks went by and we were doing good. Then we got into one fight and he suddenly broke up with me right away. He blamed me again. 2 months went by again. He reached out to me and said he missed me. This time he told me he was sorry for always hurting me, and sorry for always ending things with me and blaming me. He admitted to me that it was never my fault, it was his drug use. He said he blamed me but knew it was because of drugs. This time he admitted he was using cocaine again and drinking nearly every day. He admitted that his family enables his addiction and that he needs to cut a lot of people off. He went to an NA meeting and seemed like he wanted to actually stay sober this time.
About 10 days later, he suddenly got mad at me because he hates my best friend and I went to see her for about an hour. He didn't like me spending time with her. He flipped on me and suddenly told me that he was mad for making him cut off all these people, but i didn't make him do that. He said he knew he needed to. He told me that everyone was fine the 2 months we were away from eachother until we came back into eachothers life and he said that I ruined everything. He then told me that I make him more angry than anyone and that if he stays with me he will relapse. This killed me because I'm the 1 person in his life who wants him to be completely sober and the 1 person who is sober myself. We broke up that day and haven't spoken since. It's been about a week now.
I'm having a hard time understanding this. I'm the only person who supports his sobriety 100%. His family and friends all do drugs and drink. Why am I the reason he wants to relapse? I have given everything I have to this 1 person, I love him more than anything ever, and have been there for him through everything and through all the hurt he's caused me.

Why would I be the reason he wants to relapse?
I asked him what he was going to do now,
He said he was going to stay sober and find a better job.

Why does it seem his life will be so much better without me now?

I'm feeling so down and confused.
Thank you


-fmr

welcome,Fmrinv.

"Why would I be the reason he wants to relapse?"
im answering this from the addict alcoholic side:
its not the reason why. its the excuse why.
IF you were to not take responsibility for him using again( i dont believe in calling them relapses- they are pre meditated drunks) then he would find another excuse.

what i read is an addict/alcoholic in the throws of active alcoholism/addiction, which can also be when a person isnt drinking/using because they havent done anything but stop drunking/drugging- a dry drunk.

many people wanted me to be clean and sober.
that wasnt going to happen until I wanted to be clean and sober and was willing to do whatever was necessary to make that happen. people carrying me into recovery- doing the footwork i was capable of doing myself- wasnt going to get me clean and sober nor keep me that way.

onto you- the real problem here:
why you keep trying to rescue someone that wont put in the footwork to help themselves.
ya dont deserve to be treated like a doormat.

One can't make sense of denials, blaming, and rationalizations coming from folks that are addicted to a substance. Most of it is always nonsense. If I were you, I would just look at this as "problem solved" for you and not look back. You do not deserve this and likely would be much better off if you left the door closed that he walked out of and moved on.

I'm having a hard time understanding this.

You're having a hard time understanding it because it's insanity. People in active addiction don't live in reality, hence the things they say and do are often times utter nonsense and nuttiness. Stay away from him and give yourself the peace and serenity you deserve. It sounds like he is nowhere near ready to be aboveboard and honest enough to embrace real recovery. Hugs to you.

anyone under the influence of alcohol and drugs, in large quantities, is going to sound and act like a babbling idiot. it's makes no sense because it IS nonsensical. the ups and downs are part of the using cycle. attacking those closest is classic addict deflection.

this isn't ABOUT you, you just happened to be in the line of fire. you did nothing wrong. trust me, his life is not going to get BETTER because he's finally rid of you. he's just not ready to be done.

but you have to ask yourself - do you deserve to be treated like this? by anyone ? for any reason? i hope you respond with a resounding HELL NO.

in the future give to others but make sure you keep enough for yourself. care about others, but always care for yourself as well. it is not necessary or even loving to TAKE abuse and bad behavior for another - always walk away from abuse, of any kind. let go of the notion that you are the ONLY ONE that can SAVE someone, or that there is only one someone who is meant for you.

thank you very much. it's good to hear from an addicts side. thank you!

thank you!!

It has nothing to do with who you are, what you ever did or what you ever said. It's him and his addiction and there's no room for anyone else.

Sending you a hug.

Thank you for your kind words!!!!