Detach (not "amputate ")
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Winnetka. ca
Posts: 30
Detach (not "amputate ")
Weeks have gone by now with very little contact with my son, since the very serious incident/OD/suicide attempt/melt down he had when I wouldn't pursue a full on personal injury lawsuit he demanded from a very small fender bender we were in together, so he could get drugs and money.
I feel a lot of guilt from the relief this distance has given me. The huge hole in my life I used to fill with obsession and endless worry for my son, I'm slowly filling this hole with meetings, self care and pursuing friendships and family time.
I need to turn over the anxiety I feel to my HP as the medical bills come in from his hospital stay. (Do I owe for them if he's on my policy? or does he as an adult?) I'm already dealing with my own health issues and medical bills (which have receded since my exposure to my son is now minimal).
Also, I am avoiding him, I won't lie. I have him blocked as a phone call and texts and put my phone on do not disturb often, in case he calls from other numbers, I turned off notifications on messenger as well. I feel such an intense amount of calm and guilt. Very conflicted.
I know I'm avoiding dealing with my own son and the possible downward spiral of his life without my help. But, he may be ok, (as much as an addict can be ok). My question is this: is not knowing healthy? Am I remiss in some way by not allowing him to contact me? Is this avoidance part of My disease or a step towards reducing co dependency?
Your wise and experienced input is deeply appreciated.
I feel a lot of guilt from the relief this distance has given me. The huge hole in my life I used to fill with obsession and endless worry for my son, I'm slowly filling this hole with meetings, self care and pursuing friendships and family time.
I need to turn over the anxiety I feel to my HP as the medical bills come in from his hospital stay. (Do I owe for them if he's on my policy? or does he as an adult?) I'm already dealing with my own health issues and medical bills (which have receded since my exposure to my son is now minimal).
Also, I am avoiding him, I won't lie. I have him blocked as a phone call and texts and put my phone on do not disturb often, in case he calls from other numbers, I turned off notifications on messenger as well. I feel such an intense amount of calm and guilt. Very conflicted.
I know I'm avoiding dealing with my own son and the possible downward spiral of his life without my help. But, he may be ok, (as much as an addict can be ok). My question is this: is not knowing healthy? Am I remiss in some way by not allowing him to contact me? Is this avoidance part of My disease or a step towards reducing co dependency?
Your wise and experienced input is deeply appreciated.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Art machine- i have asked myself this same question and don't really have an answer. Although I do have some occasional contact with my son, I stopped asking about his drug use and plans for recovery months ago. I feel guilt one day and peace the next. Others will be along I'm sure to share their thoughts and experience with you.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Art, I think its good that you are not in denial and no longer taking a front seat to the chaos and insanity and lies. I too will find myself detaching when my son is in active use. He also stopped trying to rope me in this last round because I finally "wised up" to the lies and the manipulation. Yes, your son will be all right. Now is the time to give him to God. If he checks himself in detox or rehab, there is that opportunity to re-connect. ONLY if you are ready and want to do so. If I recall, this is not the first time you are dealing with this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Winnetka. ca
Posts: 30
I offered rehab before, but he's never accepted and rebuffed the idea entirely. He knows I have no money for it anyway and he'd have to do Salvation Army or some other voluntarily program. I've never been down the road of blocking him and creating space. I'm in uncharted waters here and so is he without any help... Even his Dad told him to get a "McJob", that there will be no more help. He's God's now. Thank you for the response.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
ArtMachine,
I could have wrote your post almost word for word. I too feel guilt over not having much contact with my son. I do have some contact but I'm learning how to set much stronger boundaries. He knows if he raises his voice or starts cursing nonstop that I will end the call. I don't think it's avoidance at all. It's called taking care of and protecting yourself. The chaos that surrounds addiction sweeps everyone around it up into the tornado. My son knows I love him and I'm sure yours does too.
I also feel guilt for not letting him suffer consequences sooner. I did let him but I could have done a much better job. I think it just prolonged this hell. He's facing eviction now if he doesn't get a job this week. It's hard not to pick up the phone and ask him what his plan is but I know I need to resist. He's an adult now, he can figure it out. I will just continue to pray for him everyday.
In my state you are not responsible for their medical bills after the age of 19. You could probably call the billing office at the hospital and find out. Keep posting! You are not alone.
I could have wrote your post almost word for word. I too feel guilt over not having much contact with my son. I do have some contact but I'm learning how to set much stronger boundaries. He knows if he raises his voice or starts cursing nonstop that I will end the call. I don't think it's avoidance at all. It's called taking care of and protecting yourself. The chaos that surrounds addiction sweeps everyone around it up into the tornado. My son knows I love him and I'm sure yours does too.
I also feel guilt for not letting him suffer consequences sooner. I did let him but I could have done a much better job. I think it just prolonged this hell. He's facing eviction now if he doesn't get a job this week. It's hard not to pick up the phone and ask him what his plan is but I know I need to resist. He's an adult now, he can figure it out. I will just continue to pray for him everyday.
In my state you are not responsible for their medical bills after the age of 19. You could probably call the billing office at the hospital and find out. Keep posting! You are not alone.
Last edited by Jaeger; 08-28-2017 at 09:08 PM. Reason: Spelling & Paragraphs
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, ArtMachine 
I have an adult son, with whom establishing boundaries has helped me to live a healthier life; it took time to get to this point. Much of what I learned about boundaries, along with a lot of input and support, came from forums here at SR.
Like you, I had questioned what I should do, sat with the guilt and anxiety but also welcomed the peace and sense of hope, once detachment began.
Your decisions are yours. I won't advise. Just know that we parents and others here at SR, who've walked a similar path, understand, support and encourage you.
As far as healthcare bills - when he was a minor and even a few years into adulthood, our insurance as well as paying out of pocket took care of son's medical, MH and D&A treatment costs. However, once he was no longer insured on our policy, was not living in our home, and a couple of bills for ER services he received were mailed to my home -- I chose to return to sender, noting he is an adult and no longer lived at this address. It worked out. He handled it.
Hugs. Hang in there.
I have an adult son, with whom establishing boundaries has helped me to live a healthier life; it took time to get to this point. Much of what I learned about boundaries, along with a lot of input and support, came from forums here at SR.
Like you, I had questioned what I should do, sat with the guilt and anxiety but also welcomed the peace and sense of hope, once detachment began.
Your decisions are yours. I won't advise. Just know that we parents and others here at SR, who've walked a similar path, understand, support and encourage you.
As far as healthcare bills - when he was a minor and even a few years into adulthood, our insurance as well as paying out of pocket took care of son's medical, MH and D&A treatment costs. However, once he was no longer insured on our policy, was not living in our home, and a couple of bills for ER services he received were mailed to my home -- I chose to return to sender, noting he is an adult and no longer lived at this address. It worked out. He handled it.
Hugs. Hang in there.
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