Blogs


Notices

Seeking advice/comfort re: addict [ex]-boyfriend.

Old 08-25-2017, 09:24 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Unhappy Seeking advice/comfort re: addict [ex]-boyfriend.

Posting in one of these forums is new to me. I am completely drug-free and the idea of heavy drugs makes me feel sick, so I am a little nervous. Thank you, forum + people in it, for being such a good resource. This story is long.

A few months ago I started dating someone who'd been a friend of mine over the years. I knew he'd suffered from heroin/opiate addiction for nearly 10 years. He was currently on Suboxone. He began to show signs of behavior that was really upsetting (lying, inability to get motivated...I realized during most periods of success activity in his life, he was using heroin). I started pulling away. My love for him is very deep and real, but I need stability. He always asked if he could try to be 'better,' but I really just wanted him to take care of myself, because again, this is someone I've known for awhile and care for deeply.

I continued to try to make it work because walking away from him was hard. I really love him. One day, he revealed to me he was no longer taking Suboxone and needed to detox. He sprang it on me after telling me he was considering quitting it. It was like, surprise, I'm actually already going through withdrawal, sorry. He told me he was on 1.5mg at that point, tapering w/ the help of a doctor, but I can't be 100% sure. I let him ride out his withdrawals at my place. I had no experience with this and just tried to take care of him with "natural" methods the best I could. I feel so naive. I later found out the Suboxone was a secret he kept from his family. When they found out, they were furious. They thought he was free of opiates.

It turned out he'd been lying to me that whole week about trying to get clean and last weekend, he bought heroin, probably cut with Fentanyl, and ended up overdosing in my bathroom while a mutual friend was over. We luckily found him and my friend was able to perform CPR until the paramedics came with Narcan. It was terrifying and I felt heartbroken, as if he'd just decided to quit Suboxone so he could get high again. When he was 'revived,' he told me he was using because he knew I was going to end the relationship, but I know that is not true. I don't blame myself.

Since it happened, he's been staying with his parents, going to NA meetings, taking care of himself, but continually insisting he is doing 'better' and okay, with no cravings, which I know is not true. I also found out he's lied about more things, weird, small things, like telling me he'd had a conversation with a mutual friend when it turned out he hadn't responded to that friend's text messages. I confronted him about it. He admitted he is incredibly ashamed, and is lying so that I think he's doing better and functioning normally. Of course he feels miserable and has cravings...He just wants to impress ME.

I am clearly, without realizing it, some kind of enabler for him. We are broken up, but the problem is, I genuinely love him and it is very hard to step away from him. We keep texting and talking and our banter is really sweet. I fear my presence in his life is going to be the only thing pushing him toward finding his own health and truth, which I think is dangerous. A friend told me if I really love him, I will leave him be so he can get better and heal in a real way, not just as a performance for me.

I don't feel codependent. I've been through a lot in my life but have a good support system. This situation has made me feel lonely and sad and lost. I genuinely miss him and disengaging is really heartbreaking. I want to support him, and I also still fantasize about getting back together in the future, which makes me feel ashamed because it's so unhealthy. But as angry as I am at him, my care and love for him is unwavering.

How do you support someone who is relying on your support in such an unrealistic way? I don't know what to do. Any advice or comfort would be appreciated.
soapybubbles2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to soapybubbles2 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-26-2017)
Old 08-25-2017, 09:30 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
I want to add here that during his 10 years of addiction, he was sober for short periods of time. I haven't known him all 10 years.

While we were together, he somehow managed to be the most supportive/emotionally available person I've ever dated, and I've dated some really nice people. Not sure if either of these facts are useful.
soapybubbles2 is offline  
Old 08-25-2017, 11:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Bluebird2007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 56
Blog Entries: 5
Hi soapy

I have no experience in this area but I'm sure someone will post soon who can help. Trust your own judgement.
Bluebird2007 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Bluebird2007 For This Useful Post:
soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-26-2017, 12:58 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It's very sad to hear about both of you. Usually when someone is addicted it takes long to time of therepy / self work to get better.

When we get into relationship with addict it's important to ask what happened to us in our childhood / family that we are in such relationship. I guarantee the addict knows who will enable him /her. Try to work on yourself.

Therapy and this podcast helped me a lot. I selected those as examples as it might be good for you and for tour ex:

https://youtu.be/h7OIgeQscik
https://youtu.be/F2P3qknUN4k

The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior... Sadly.
MAYA1 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MAYA1 For This Useful Post:
OpheliaKatz (08-28-2017), soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-26-2017, 05:18 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 967
Hi SoapyBubbles

I am sorry for your situation. My own recent story is posted on this forum. I am in the process of sorting out my life now.

Being in a relationship with a heroine addict is extremely challenging. For me its been a nightmare & I caused myself a lot of damage. Yes on my part there was / is deep love, compassion, & caring.

Active addiction is destructive. Nothing good comes from it. From what I read above, you certainly have your hands full. From my experience, Its a vey slippery downward slope.

My concern for you is what you wrote - see below. The only advice I can give you is you need to spend time reading about heroine, addiction, denial, enabling, & co-dependency. You need to focus on yourself & develop a plan to make sure you are stable.

"I don't feel codependent. I've been through a lot in my life but have a good support system. This situation has made me feel lonely and sad and lost. I genuinely miss him and disengaging is really heartbreaking. I want to support him, and I also still fantasize about getting back together in the future, which makes me feel ashamed because it's so unhealthy. But as angry as I am at him, my care and love for him is unwavering."

I wish you all the best.
HardLessons is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to HardLessons For This Useful Post:
soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-26-2017, 10:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Any advice or comfort would be appreciated
Welcome to the Board. I'll keep my remarks brief.

One of the things you need to remember about drugs like heroin is they permanently alter the brain chemistry of the user. Addicts can successfully detox off heroin, but the brain remembers what it's like to be under the influence of it. What is it like? Bliss. No pain, no discomfort, just this feeling of warmth. When that feeling goes away, the user is desperate to get back to that place. And in order to get there, they will do anything to get there: lie, cheat, steal, etc.

Your relationship with him never had a chance. It didn't matter what you said or did because addiction to heroin and other opiates is more powerful than love and the user's instinct to survive.

So, what to do? Allow yourself the time to heal. Step back, and look at your choices objectively. This will take some time and some hard work on your part. But if you're to learn from this, you really don't have a choice.

Keep us posted.
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-27-2017), OpheliaKatz (08-28-2017), soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-26-2017, 08:31 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate you are dealing with this but so glad you are reaching out for support.

For me wha I learned was what I thought was love, a great guy, a meaningful relationship, etc was my own perception. Clouded by not facing the reality of life and my now ex AH's true person.

He was & still is a person deep in the throws of Alcoholism & addiction. The relationship we had was a way to get his needs met. The need to have a family because it made him look like a great guy , the need for him to be financially taken care of without having to work full time, the need for him to have a clean house & mostly someone to blame for all his problems

As I worked on being a healthier person thru alanon, reading literature & journaling to my HP, I learned that this relationship was not as wonderful as I once thought it was - it was actually toxic & I deserved better.

Please keep reaching out for support -

Wishing you the best
MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-27-2017), OpheliaKatz (08-28-2017), soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-27-2017, 03:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 632
Originally Posted by soapybubbles2 View Post

While we were together, he somehow managed to be the most supportive/emotionally available person I've ever dated, and I've dated some really nice people. Not sure if either of these facts are useful.
I know how this is. My ex-husband was the sweetest guy I'd ever met. It was like he was my biggest fan. Everything I said, he agreed with. And he was so supportive. It was like I could do no wrong, and even the slightest accomplishments were cause for celebration.

But it was all fake. And every 6 months or so my whole world would come crumbling down because of something he did. He'd steal my identity and run up debt, or I'd catch him flirting online with minors, and worse. It was so hard to reconcile that the person he revealed himself to be so seldomly was really his true self.

That's where starting again gets tough. You'll want your partner to be that perfect soulmate you believed you had. But you'll have to accept that real love isn't so perfect. And when it is, watch out.

Blessings
Hechosedrugs is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hechosedrugs For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-29-2017), OpheliaKatz (08-28-2017), soapybubbles2 (08-27-2017)
Old 08-27-2017, 07:51 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you <3

You guys! Thank you so much for your sharing your stories. This is comforting/eye-opening/depressing, all at once. I'm so grateful. I feel less alone.

I should clarify I don't think I had a perfect relationship with this person (we were after all only together 4 months)--he's also been a friend for many years.

It took a lot of strength to tell him there is no hope for a future with us, but that I'm willing to be a friend with whom he can communicate, like the rest of the people we know. A few of our mutual friends and I have been leaning on each other throughout this, which feels good. I know if he depends on me alone, he'll be able to continue his delusion that everything is fine.

I just hope it isn't an issue to be simultaneously honest about ALL of my feelings: "I do love and want to be with you, but have to cut off this relationship so you can do this for/by yourself, with people who can help you." I wish I could be harsh and tell him I don't love him, that I'm not still wishing there was hope for us, and that we can never talk again, but instead I'm explaining that I want all of those things AND I know that they can't happen. Both are true: I gotta take care of myself and don't want to be his romantic partner anymore, but I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. Addicts live in a strange reality of their own and that can't be part of my world, which I feel I'm still cultivating.

My friends and therapist know he and I are still communicating, but we are not seeing each other anymore. It's been a week since he ODed. Mostly I just listen while he tells me about his meetings + what he's been doing. I am scared he's holding out hope for something in the future (I think that hope could ruin any progress he's trying to make) though he says he's very clear he has literally nothing to offer a partner.

For now I'm trying to do my own thing, check in with him (and try to not check in too much), and continue recovering from the shock of the OD.. I am really sad another friend had to experience it with me but we've been supporting each other through our sadness about it, so I feel lucky.

Thank you for being good people and helping to keep me emotionally afloat.
soapybubbles2 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to soapybubbles2 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (08-28-2017)
Old 08-28-2017, 11:30 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
Hi. I and most other people here know and FEEL what you are going through.

I know how powerful love or whatever can be confused for love is.

Maybe if you stick it out, completely sharpen your education on addiction and co dependancy, get yourself help and a support system on how to navigate this darkness, he will see the light and you guys can have an awesome time growing together and getting through a serious life destroying issue.

It's going to take complete work on your part. You are going to have to take a back seat to drugs. You are going to have to wonder what's going on when they are not around. It's going to take Christ like emotional control, fortitude, and nothing but self sacrificing love and support.

You are going to battle feelings of abandonment. You are going to wonder if You are being used. Which sadly you are. Even if its not intentional. You will have to deal with lies and half truth. Even if its not intentional.

You may cross boundaries of acceptance of behaviors and things you never imagined bringing into your life.

It's a destructive life that can destroy everything. Even if you have the most loyal and caring addict in the world.

Time may go on for months and things might not get better. Years and it might not get better. Sleepless nights. Constant angst. Hurt, fear, anger, hopelessness can set it.

There will be moments when everything will seem good and well. Bliss. Then the beast will demand to be fed. It was only just resting while you were enjoying the crumbs of what could be.

Then they are gone. Your begging, and pleading, love, support, reasoning will no longer matter. They will be off rewarding themselves with other people, not giving you a care in the world while you are in pieces trying to hold life together.

Your friends may not understand. They are where you may have been prior to ending up in this nightmare.

You may try to live a normal life. Maybe working, maybe going to school.

People may like you, but you might end up feeling abnormal. Like you are living in darkness. Your going to see other loving and doting couples in your day to day life and you will yearn for that.

Time will go on. You will age as rapidly as they do. The awful feeling you will have to live with is not what your partner is most likely feeling. They are going and getting high. When you display how you are feeling they will vanish because only the people who love them bug them about something they only see as a problem when really bad things happen.

Your self esteem and confidence can suffer a great deal if you have to deal with your spouse choosing to consort with lowly addicts instead of you. You could be at home wondering what's wrong with you.

Jesus love is what it takes. A love for this person so deep that nothing matters. That you fully accept this person and who they are, where they are, and what they choose for life.

Then if that day comes... They are ready to get help... it will be renewed hope. It will be glorious. Except they are all messed up. They need to focus on themselves. They might get off drugs and end up meeting someone in rehab. Compulsion. They may decide they need to focus on themselves, all of which is fair and valid.

Hopefully in this time you have gotten your own help. You are now strong enough and have let go of all control. You are rolling the dice with only hope that you will now finally have what you so strongly desired. But you are so strong, that if the above happens you are ready to face it.

Maybe they recover. And maybe they are what you dreamed of. Maybe they are now different people. You then wonder why you put all this time and draining life force into this. More hurt. More pain. The band aid stayed on way too long. Now it's time to face the heartache again. All those familiar feelings will come back. Now it's time to mourn for who knows how many times... again.
johnnie360 is offline  
Old 08-28-2017, 12:15 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
But maybe just maybe you guys can get strong. Seperately but together.
Coming out the other end of this and learning and growing together. This would be the ultimate story of triumph and restoration. If you both do the hard work and are devoted and determined you guys could be ready to face almost any challenge together.

It could mold you into great people who will have a true testimony to share and maybe help others. I believe that relationships and people have become disposable to a certain degree. This is a true fight to the death. In so many ways. Not just the dangers of actual death, but a spiritual death as well. Drugs will devour the users soul, and the beast does not stop there. It will ravage anyone who not only stands in its way, but who merely stands by. It really is the stuff from the most vile horror movies. Watching your loved one destroy themselves. The worry. The negative feelings. Knowing that you cant do anything but watch. Every bit of help you give may be doing more harm than good.

Say this is like a horror movie and the good guys win in the end. Well with an addict there is no end. The addiction is that last cut scene when you think all is well and the monster shows the audience they are still there. Beaten, weak, but will be ready for a sequel.

Are you ready to do this dance all over again? Everyone becomes calm and you think life is good. Then the monster for whatever reason returns, and the battle wages on... again.

Hopefully you havent become lazy in your ongoing recovery. By this time at least a year or longer has gone by.

Are you ready to go through this again? This is part 2 of your personal horror story. Maybe now you can defeat the monster. Maybe this will have multiple sequels.

But maybe not. Maybe you will both recover and live out a meaningful life filled with life lessons, love, and be a testimony for others.

This is the tough pill to swallow. There is no sure bet. Life has no sure bets, but this is different.

4 months in.... I know where you are. I had the choice to stay or go at that point. I love this woman. I chose to stay. As I almost got up to leave, my head telling me to run... I stayed. Two years later things have gotten worse. I have gotten worse up to a point. I have made changes in my life. Nothing super major. She has gotten worse. She has aged. Her beauty is fading. This wonderful woman I once knew has been replaced by need. When I look into her reptile eyes, she is different.

Sleepless nights, fear, pain, rejection, anger, resentment, darkness, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, heartache, sadness, loneliness, uncertainty... These are familiar feelings.

Obsession, compulsion, control, lack of control.

These are what I battle with. Sounds like what the addict SHOULD feel right?

So let me tell you what I feel I should have done, other than getting the hell out if it after 4 months. 4 months I was already wrapped up like you are. So I know how hard running can be.

I should have educated myself right then and there. I should have focused on my own recovery right then. Built a support system right then. Al anon, nar anon if you are lucky to have either in your area that works with your schedule.

Educate yourself fully on addiction and co dependancy. That way you can get strong and well.

Get help for yourself. From what I understand, the group thing will help you to develop skills to live with an addict without it tearing you apart by every fiber of your being.

Do those things. No matter what. You need to do them.

I chose anger, blame, division, threats, destruction on my end. I did no work on me. I did not educate myself or get help. I took my eyes off my own problems and made this the reason my own life felt like it was failing.

Do these things. Get well. Get strong.

Do these things for you.

But in the event you guys can heal and overcome together then you will be needing to do these things anyway. Them getting well will not be a fix all. You need to recover as well. Normal healthy people dont get involved with people who have major addictions like this. Not to say there is something "wrong" with us, but its true.

In my opinion, you will BOTH need recovery if it is to work out.

If you can overcome together, what a story! If you choose to stay, then work on you. Learn about them, and work on you. No matter what.

In the end no matter what, if you work on yourself, and educate yourself on what they are going through you will be a better person and stronger.

Your choice is your choice. I know how hard it is to walk away. So my best advice is whatever you end up doing... GET HELP NOW. Do not wait. Educate yourself. Learn. Heal. Recover.

I could have been doing this the whole time, but I paved the path for destruction on my end instead.

This will be one of the most awful things you will go through if you remain. But if you get help and recover you will be a better person.

Prepare to lay in bed and fight with yourself. Prepare to mourn, and mourn, and mourn.

Prepare to be done, then have them come back and repeat the process all over again. Be prepared for a gaping wound that begins to scab. That pain begins to subside because they are home. Then they leave again to feed the beast. Or they have been gone, and you finally think you had enough, and if they stay gone you can endure. Then they return.

Either way you will rip that scab open and bleed again.

You will pour out blood and lay in pain. They wont.

You will feel deep pain over their actions. They wont.

This will go on until something happens.

You will leave them, they will leave you, you will get better alone, they will get better alone, or you both will get better together. Those are just a few of the outcomes.

Again... GET HELP NOW. Do not wait a few years. PLEASE.
johnnie360 is offline  
Old 08-29-2017, 06:31 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi Soapybubbles,

I have pulled out some quotes from what you have written because I have a similar story, and I think a lot of people on this forum have similar stories.

This guy lies. He lies because he is an addict lying to himself. I don't care what the reason is for lying: shame, wanting to impress a sober person, etc... it's still lying. Lying is a deal breaker in a relationship because it is about breaking trust. To be with someone you don't trust, even as a friend, is quite dangerous emotionally. It can also become dangerous in other ways too (as I found out with my STBAXH).

I love/have loved my STBAXH. I don't feel as if I have any choice but to step away from him, no matter how cruel he thinks I am for it, even if stepping away means that he might die (he might die even with me around anyway, I have no control over it.) I also did not think I was co-dependent. I have a pretty stable family. I do, however, think that over time, in my relationship, I become extremely socially isolated. I was made-over into a co-dependent because of having a tendency towards empathy, and also because I was in a relationship with an addict (addiction is an extremely selfish disease/condition).

So I think the best thing you can do for you and for him, is to step away from him and let him figure himself out. If you stay, and I know you love him and want to stay, you will end up making yourself miserable and making him miserable too.

Your friend is correct. Step away. Let him heal. People change dramatically when they go into recovery and you might not even like the person he becomes -- he will be someone else. The reason I say that is because right now, he is not himself. You don't know who he really is. You might think you do, but no, you don't. I hate to say that. I also thought I knew my husband. I don't. In the end, his lying became so pathological, that I'm sure he cheated on me... and the stress of his drug habit was so severe that even if he did cheat on me, that's not even the thing that bothers me most! If that sounds messed-up, it is because it is. You need to love yourself enough to want more than this man. Find joy in your life. You need your partner to journey with you. Right now, your addict has to walk a path that only he can walk alone. He has to be the hero of his own story. So do you.

Also, please do not wait for him. He could take years to heal. He might get into recovery, be sober for a while, relapse, be sober for a while, relapse, over and over. If you are not entangled in that mess yet, I BEG YOU to please stay out of it. I hope I don't sound harsh. This is what I wish someone had told me years ago before I got my heart broken.

Originally Posted by soapybubbles2 View Post
He began to show signs of behavior that was really upsetting (lying, inability to get motivated...I realized during most periods of success activity in his life, he was using heroin). I started pulling away. My love for him is very deep and real, but I need stability.

I continued to try to make it work because walking away from him was hard. I really love him.

It turned out he'd been lying to me that whole week about trying to get clean and last weekend, he bought heroin, probably cut with Fentanyl, and ended up overdosing in my bathroom while a mutual friend was over.

Since it happened, he's been staying with his parents, going to NA meetings, taking care of himself, but continually insisting he is doing 'better' and okay, with no cravings, which I know is not true. I also found out he's lied about more things, weird, small things, like telling me he'd had a conversation with a mutual friend when it turned out he hadn't responded to that friend's text messages. I confronted him about it. He admitted he is incredibly ashamed, and is lying so that I think he's doing better and functioning normally. Of course he feels miserable and has cravings...He just wants to impress ME.

I am clearly, without realizing it, some kind of enabler for him. We are broken up, but the problem is, I genuinely love him and it is very hard to step away from him. We keep texting and talking and our banter is really sweet. I fear my presence in his life is going to be the only thing pushing him toward finding his own health and truth, which I think is dangerous. A friend told me if I really love him, I will leave him be so he can get better and heal in a real way, not just as a performance for me.

How do you support someone who is relying on your support in such an unrealistic way? I don't know what to do. Any advice or comfort would be appreciated.
OpheliaKatz is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:58 AM.