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Am I doing the right thing?

Old 08-19-2017, 02:34 PM
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Am I doing the right thing?

Prior to us meeting, husband was a covaine addict, went to rehab but I actually only found out on Wednesday he was kicked off the course for asking his family if they'd get him out early. They agreed. So he got kicked off the program after 4 weeks.

10yrs on, 3 children and a baby due in just 3 weeks. Every now and again I've caught him using, whether it be suspicious behaviour, going through his phone or me swabbing toilet seats.

Each time he promises to stop, says he'll do what ever it takes. Few weeks pass of him being the most amazing husband and father - all forgotten until next time.

Forward wind to Tuesday, I went for the sugar pot in my kitchen and found a rolled up note behind it (I don't have sugar in tea but fancied some strawberries with sugar). He was like it's from weeks ago, but I'd had the pot of sugar out Thursday to make my mum a cup of tea. Friday we went camping for the weekend.

He admitted doing it Thursday night whilst I was out and he was looking after the two younger children. Looking back the signs were there the previous weekend, probably the one before. He's a big drinker and stays up late on a weekend despite working a 60/70 hour week.

He says its once a month, no big deal, 21st century, everyone does it etc etc.

This was the final straw, doing it whilst being responsible for our children, he's started doing it in the kitchen and dining table. I've kicked him out, I don't want him anywhere near me, the children or my home.

He thinks I'm over reacting and blown it out of proportion. I've finally told his parents, they weren't shocked and have said he can stay there but he refuses. I think he's in hotels, I don't know.

The girls are heartbroken, desperately want to see him but I've said to him he needs to stay with his parents the night before he sees them so I can be assured he hasn't had a drink (coke follows drink with him). He won't stay at his parents so I've said no.

He's making me feel like I'm over reacting, im not am I? I am doing the right thing?

I'm heavily pregnant, 3 children, it's summer holidays, the girls are hurting and blaming me- I'm really tired and struggling, I'm scared, lonely and terrified of giving birth alone. I just need some reassurance.

Sorry for waffling, it's been a long emotional day, I've held in the tears until now - the girls are asleep :-(
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Old 08-19-2017, 05:09 PM
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Hi Sammy

I'm so sorry reading your story. Alcohol & drug use is very destructive. So destructive it's causing your husband to not be able to properly support your family & you in this great time of need

I can't give you advice. I'm currently in the process of sorting out my own problems dealing with an addict

Please take time to read posts on this forum. It will give you a clear picture of what your dealing with. You will gain understanding. It is a painful process

I hope you have family and or friends who can help you since your close to giving birth. You need some plan to make sure your other children are safe during this time

You've come to a very good place I'm sure you will get a lot of solid advice. I have tremendous respect for the participants on this forum. They are caring & extremely knowledgeable concerning addiction

I'm very sorry Sammy you have to deal with this serious problem at this point in your life. I hope everything goes well with the birth of your child.

Please take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your tears I wish you peace
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Old 08-21-2017, 08:55 AM
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I am sorry. No, you are not overreacting. Although I think it's odd you think him staying at a hotel will keep him clean to see your girls? He could drink and use in peace at a hotel, which is likely why he does not want to go to his parents.

I encourage you to find a different plan to protect your children.

Gentle hugs.
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Old 08-21-2017, 09:12 AM
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Can you guys get to counseling together?
There is a lot to save there if both parties are willing.
M-Bob
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Old 08-21-2017, 09:24 AM
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Sammy, I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulty you are going through. Do you have a close friend, family member, or Pastor that can come along side of you for support? It surely sounds as if your husband has no intention, at this point, of cleaning up. Have you tried al-anon? I need to do that too. I'm praying for you!
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Old 08-21-2017, 11:49 AM
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This was the final straw, doing it whilst being responsible for our children, he's started doing it in the kitchen and dining table. I've kicked him out, I don't want him anywhere near me, the children or my home.
You asked if you did the right thing by booting him out. The answer is an unequivocal yes. I find this hilarious:

He says its once a month, no big deal, 21st century, everyone does it etc etc...He thinks I'm over reacting and blown it out of proportion
So everyone does cocaine, huh? It's a 21st century thing? So bands like Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith and The Eagles weren't snorting up half of Peru during the 1970's? Stevie Nicks didn't have her nose reconstructed because of abusing blow? If everyone's doing blow, does that include guys like me who work on DoD-related programs? If it's so accepted in the 21st century, does that mean I can start doing blow and not lose my job? Maybe during my performance reviews, I should offer my boss a couple of lines.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

Your husband sounds like a 10 year old, and the reason why he says you've overblown things is because you rightly expect him to behave like a responsible adult, spouse, and parent when he doesn't want to do it!!

This is one of those situations where your options are pretty cut-and-dried. Until he decides to go into treatment and follow up that treatment with a path to recovery, he shouldn't be around you or his children. Holding firm on this will be difficult for you, but given that he was using while watching the kids, he's left you no choice. Believe his actions, not his words.

I'm sorry you have to endure this while you're expecting. What should be a time of joy for you has turned into something else, and that's horrible. But do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.
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