Trying to keep my boundaries

Old 08-17-2017, 06:06 AM
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Trying to keep my boundaries

In the past few months, husband and I have not talked much about stepson 26 years old (ss). (Currently living with his mom & stepdad.) Last night I asked him if he had heard anything about court and ss's legal problems. He hadn't... then said, "oh, by the way, mom & stepdad are going out of town next month and asked if he could stay here and I said yes...forgot to mention it to you"
I felt my eyebrows shoot through the roof and a sinking feeling in my gut. "well..." I said, trying to formulate my thoughts and figure out how I could "gently" tell him, that I do not believe that he's clean. (Judging from my eyes the last 2 times I've seen him) Before I could say more, he shut me down. Told me he would take him camping or something cause really, he doesn't want to deal with or hear anything remotely negative when it comes to his kids, and believe me when I tell you, I DO NOT bash on them, but a LOT of what goes on is negative.
At 26 he wouldn't need to be babysat if he was on the right track. If things were going ok over there, we would be the last people they would be contacting. I have the seen this family pass the problems back and forth for years. Earlier this year he WAS living at our house, until the last episode of meth psychosis.
WHY do I feel like a weekend would open the door to more? Why do I feel like the bad guy? Why do I feel guilty? I know in my gut I can not go down this road again, not when he shows no signs of recovery. But I am so tired of feeling like the bad guy, the unsupportive one, when I've tried so hard again and again and AGAIN to help this "kid".
I feel too like I cant really express it to husband as he doesnt want to hear it, after shutting me down so quick. He's still trying to please everyone which is impossible.
It just sucks, everytime there is a few month of peace and I think boundaries are in place it come rushing back in. I'm so so tired of feeling guilty and like the bad guy. And, he always throws it in my face, that it's because it's not "my kid" but that ISN'T true. Sure feelings are somewhat different, but if anything I am a lot softer on his kids than I am on my own. ugh. It just feels like there is no right answer. and its always ugly.
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Old 08-17-2017, 08:19 AM
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From reading your post it appears it’s your husband that’s not respecting your boundaries. Your husband is opening that door for more visits from the addict into your home.
I know you have been struggling with your husband over his son for a long time now and I am sorry that he continues to not want to address your feelings in this matter, that is so frustrating and not facing this issue as a team and I am so sorry you continue to deal with it.
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Old 08-17-2017, 11:03 AM
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you have every right to speak your mind - especially when it involves ANYONE being "invited" into your home without your prior knowledge or consent. that's just rude.

and your husband has the right to engage with his "child" as he sees fit, no matter how dysfunctional it is.

but this where world's collide - HIS dysfunction is poisoning the home environment, YOUR sanity, your safe place.

maybe YOU take a week off, or at least set up shop for a week in a nice hotel, one with fancy little soaps and nice room service.
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Old 08-17-2017, 02:37 PM
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You have every right to speak your truth , Sephra.
Doubt husband wants to hear it and it will just be the same ol, same ol.
But it is your house, too, and you have played this film before.
You know how it ends.
Why is anyone babysitting a 26 year old grown ass man?
Because he is not sober, that's why.
I have a family member, now in recovery, who got kicked out of her place.
Her reasons were vague and just didn't sound right, but no one was sure if she was using again.
I was asked by another family member if she could stay in a vacant apartment that we own and rarely use.
I really surprised myself, but I said no., not this time.
Turns out, of course, she was using heroin, and went into rehab, again.
It took, at last.
She has been in recovery now, thank the heavens, for several years.
So glad I grew a spine and said nope.
Peace.
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Old 08-17-2017, 04:11 PM
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You have a right to have your boundaries respected by your husband when it concerns your own safety and well being. Jettison the false guilt. Your hubs needs to grow up a little and figure out that he doesn't get to determine what's a big deal to you and what isn't.
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Old 08-18-2017, 06:47 AM
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Agree with Blown, Sephra. Your husband is stuck in his enabling mode, I get that.
My mom is the enabler-in-chief.
But I don't have to be, and neither do you.
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Old 08-18-2017, 07:04 AM
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I agree that boundaries should be maintained but if he makes plans to take his son camping then problem solved? However, I get the "sneak attack info" from my partner like this too about his kids. He's afraid I'll get anxious and require soothing when he just wants time with is kids (who drink heavily and trigger my inner al anon but basically are not my business).

What helps me is to stay in my lane focus on my business and let his son be his business. It's a challenge but going to al anon meetings and staying busy with my own things help me to avoid the bad guy feelings and allow them to be HIS issue.

That being said, if one of these kids ever did or said any thing directly to me, in any way, I would be all over it. But for me, it's the perception that it's my business when it's not. As long as they are dealing with their father, I can be light and polite and carry on focusing on making my life better.

I can only say this after years of taking them on and giving unneeded input. When my son's drug issues became my focus, I had to learn boundaries with him which taught me to apply it to his kids.

Plus I learned this: (detach)

DON'T
EVEN
THINK
ABOUT
CHANGING
HIM/HER

(which also applies to my partner) I can only have courage to change myself. Good luck to you, God bless
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Old 08-18-2017, 09:37 AM
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I definitely agree that if he brings him camping, problem solved. I have no problem with him having contact or any of that. My problem is more that I don't want to go back to sleeping with a mag light next to me that can be used as a bat because I don't feel safe in my own home.
I also agree that it is husband stepping on/over my boundaries moreso (in this situation..) than ss.
Husband was talking to me today and the gist of it, is that he believes that ss is no longer using. that its all in the past. I didn't argue it. Truth will be revealed as it goes, and I'd love to believe thats true. Its just my eyes don't see it.
My first thought when he sprung the weekend thing on me, was actually, I wasn't going to fight about it, just let him know what I thought and then find somewhere else to be for the weekend. (Hey! I think I'm getting smarter here!)
I don't think he will ever really stop enabling his kids, although he has gotten better, but after the past several years I have gained more footing knowing I CANT be healthy and live that way. Even if it means losing the relationship. I've tried everything I know how. So, really it's up to him. But I HAVE to self protect.
Thanks. I just need to get it out there to people who understand.
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Old 08-18-2017, 01:15 PM
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I hear that.
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Old 08-19-2017, 03:47 AM
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I am sorry to hear about your husband's continued 'illness' (enabling) and lack of respect for your boundaries and feelings. It seems his son will always be the priority, and I know how much that hurts.

Early on in my relationship with my late husband (prior to marriage), he was similarly wrapped up in his son's disease/disorder. My concerns were brushed aside or dismissed, and sometimes, he would refuse to talk about it, too. If my husband had continued in that vein, I would not have married him. So I do understand. Fortunately, my husband's attitude changed when his son started to threaten to kill people in his own family. It is sad it had to come to that, but that is what it took for him to see.

Sending hugs and prayers for you all! I vote for the fancy hotel for a weekend idea
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Old 08-19-2017, 04:57 AM
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I read this year's ago on this forum and copied it. I think this holds true in your case...

Trying to talk to someone who loves an addict, is often like trying to talk with the addict himself. They just aren't ready to listen
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