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What do I need to know about living with a user/addict? My husband has been doing cocaine. He says he isn't addicted, that it's been bi-weekly for 4 months or so. I know he has a history of recreational (?) use going back at least a decade, but I thought he was more or less done with that. All in all I'm rather clueless on the subject, which is why I am here now. I need advice. I need my eyes opened! We've been married for 5 years and have an 18 months old daughter together. When I was pregnant I found a small bag of cocaine on the coffee table one night when I came home late. That is the first proof of use I have ever seen, and my husband said it was an isolated incidence. In a rare moment of honesty he once confessed that he would do cocaine when it was offered to him, but he never pays for it. I would ague that he probably pays in the form of returned favors, but I think I would know if he spent a lot of money on his habit, I think. My impression has always been that it was something that would come up a couple of times a year, and I have always made it clear that I did not want it to be a part of my life. I was furious that he brought it into our house, but I know I can't make any choices on his behalf. I'm from Scandinavia, moved to the US to be with my husband. I don't have any family here other than what I married into, and I have less than a handful of friends that aren't essentially his. I have no experience with drugs other than recreational drinking and very occasional smoking pot. I don't know what it feels like or looks like to be high on anything stronger. I don't have a clue how to attain such substances. Basically, I don't know what the deal is. My husband works at and partially owns a restaurant/bar and is at the moment the sole provider for our family. His work schedule is unpredictable, and a substantial part of his pay is in the form of tips, aka cash in hand. In other words, I have virtually no way of knowing when he is working late and when he is staying out, just as I have no real way of knowing how much money he spends on a night out. His sleep schedule has been irregular for as long as I've known him, and other tell tales of cocaine use (I have been doing a bit of reading, see) such as runny nose, fast heart rate, reoccurring depression and the occasional nosebleed he attributes to other conditions like allergies, smoking pot (which I am OK with), SAD and something that has been happening since he was a child respectively. I know from experience that my husband is an excellent liar and would typically prefer to lie rather than tell a truth that would upset me. However, his recent confession of doing cocaine came more or less out of nowhere, so I would like to think that he is trying to be honest with me and that he really wants to stop using. But as you can probably tell by now, I really don't know how to trust him. I'm not convinced that I would have been aware if he'd been addicted or at least using for as long as I've known him. So now that I've outlined the background, let me get to the problem. My husband has been more or less completely absent from family life. He'll come home late, stay up for another few hours doing stuff on his computer, then go to bed typically between 2 and 6 AM and stay there until he rolls out of bed 10 minutes before work or, in case he has the day off, till evening when we might get to see him a few hours before my daughter and I go to bed. As a result I haven't had much in the way of break from parenting in the last 1½ years, and frankly I have been going down the drain mentally, feeling very alone in this situation, and very hopeless as far as our marriage has been concerned. My husband says that he, too, has been feeling hopeless and resentful about our relationship, and that is what spurred on the last 4 months of cocaine use. He also says that he wants to stop using and make changes to save our marriage. I suspect the main trigger for him is the people around him. I know most, if not all of his friends have a history of drug use, and I know some of them are still using, but I have no idea to what degree his close friends still are. The majority seem to be living normal, healthy-ish lives, but admittedly I don't know them all that well. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family, so there isn't anyone I would immediately think of to reach out to for help. I think my husband would feel severely betrayed if I involved his parents. What do you all think? Where do I go from here? What are the signs I should be paying attention to? What are the questions I should be asking myself and him to figure out whether our marriage still has a chance? What are the changes we have to make to succeed? What is reasonable to expect? What do I need to know about living with a user/addict? |
hello - i read your post earlier and had almost too much to say so i thought i'd hold off a bit. i hope you take the time to familiarize yourself with our site and find the special readings at the top of this forum. living with an addict - oh let's see - there will be lies, deceit, chaos, drama, sadness, fear, anger, hope, financial insecurity, sleepless nights, disbelief, denial, embarrassment, isolation, guilt......and that's just on Monday. even when an addict is being "truthful" they are never telling the WHOLE truth. so four months is probably 7 or 8. the amount, the frequency and the cost will also be downplayed. who he is with and what he is doing when with them is also masked or hidden. first and foremost, you have a small child in the home. and drugs should never be allowed around her. nor should she be around people high on drugs, or coming down off of drugs. keep her security and safety as priority #1.....all else should make more sense as long as you have that as your base. |
Hi CA I'm sorry for your situation. I'm sorry you don't have family & friends to help you You have come to a very good forum for support I also read your post earlier today I just reread it now This doesnt sound good to me. You talk about he earns cash so there is no money trail He works odd hours you don't know exactly if he's working or not. You found coke in your home. He lies often He has symptoms of cocain use. This is not a good mix Where there is smoke there is fire I would start reading all you can about addiction. Cocain. Use enabling & codependecy Above Anvil gave you a good picture of what your in for. Addiction is a progressive disease meaning as time goes on it gets worse I'm sorry to say but this does not sound good to me I wish you all the best. Thanks |
Hi, ChocolateAddict. Welcome to SR. Glad you are here. It seems that you know in your gut that he is using regularly, and is probably buying it. Forget this "I do it when I'm offered it, but I never buy it" stuff. It doesn't work that way. You are not in a good place just now. Do you have any support? Family? Friends? Do you attend Nar-Anon meetings or some other form of group support? Nothing needs to happen this minute, but I would think about where you want to be in your life. Raising a child with an emotionally absent partner is no way for anyone to live. Even when addicts are not deep into addiction, they are just not "present" for their families. Do you manage the money in your house? If not, I would begin to educate myself about expenses and where the money goes. If you do, I would keep a real sharp eye on outgo. Coke costs money. That will tell you something. And credit cards. I know you mentioned that your husband is in a cash-heavy profession. That will be harder to track. Agree with Anvil, drugs should not be in the house with a child present. There is a lot of good info on this forum. I hope you will keep posting. Here when you need us. Good luck and good thoughts. |
Sorry, just reread your post. I had missed the part about not having family nearby. |
My husband says that he, too, has been feeling hopeless and resentful about our relationship, and that is what spurred on the last 4 months of cocaine use. He also says that he wants to stop using and make changes to save our marriage. ^^^ That's a terrible thing for me to have to say to a newcomer, but you asked and the answer just isn't pretty. The most important thing here is keeping your child safe. Finding drugs that have been hidden could kill her, Being left with someone on drugs is dangerous and living in a home where addiction lives will affect her little life and mind too. Please read the sticky threads at the top of this forum. Just about everything you need to know is there, Welcome to SR, I am sorry for your situation and hope you find some comfort and support from people who have been where you are. |
Ok ChocAddict, Your story sounds similar to mine except I don't have children. I regret not having children as I'm older now, but I'm glad I didn't have kids with my STBAXH. I was in a 10-year relationship with an active addict who was lying about it, and was a master liar/manipulator -- he would do or say anything to keep using drugs/protect his addiction, even if it meant that he lost his career, compulsively lied to me, lost his close friends, lost his health, spent all our money, or even stopped sleeping or eating. I kept trusting him when he said he wasn't an addict and that he only used drugs from time to time, or that the drugs were not addictive... etc. By the time he was having near-death experiences from overdosing, and I had tried to get him to contact a rehabilitation service, he was so hooked that any mention of "rehab" or the word "sober" or the words "you owe me money", made him violently angry. I don't want anyone else to have this experience so I'm going to respond to this in length. I'm going to pull out some quotes from what you wrote, just to make my reply easier. 1) I believe your husband is an addict. Also, he's not ready to go into recovery because he is in denial. Please read all my comments in light of the assumption I have made that your husband is an addict. "My husband has been doing cocaine. He says he isn't addicted, that it's been bi-weekly for 4 months or so. I know he has a history of recreational (?) use going back at least a decade, but I thought he was more or less done with that. All in all I'm rather clueless on the subject, which is why I am here now. " This quote here, tells me that he's an addict. I say that with confidence because this is exactly what my STBAXH said to me. He would say he only used it once a week or twice a week, or once every two weeks. Whatever. He also had a history of recreational use doing back at least a decade when I first met him. Also, I was clueless about drugs. I did not even smoke pot. I did not drink. Really clueless. Whatever he said was good as gold. I think you are doing the right thing by reading the SR forums. Keep doing it. 2) Get out now. Do it for the sake of your child. If your AH can't admit to having a problem and getting help, get out and save your child if not yourself. Here are the things you need to save yourself from: lying, poverty, stealing (when he eventually runs out of money), abuse (or your trust, your time, your compassion for his predicament), possible violence... etc. Drugs are bad news if you have a child you need to protect. Active addicts can be incredibly selfish too, because their relationship to their drug is their number one relationship. I thought that I could love my STBAXH into sobriety. I was wrong. I still miss him from time to time and I still regret not having been able to "cure" him. However, what I've read on these forums, and also learned from other drug rehab services is that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Please don't try to control it. I know your AH gets tips, but let me give you an example using money: say you talk to his boss and they agree to transfer his paycheck to your private bank account (if you don't have one, you should get one), and you give him an allowance so that you know what he spends and where. He is going to start seeing you as an obstacle to his drug use, and that puts you in a very risky position. "We've been married for 5 years and have an 18 months old daughter together. When I was pregnant I found a small bag of cocaine on the coffee table one night when I came home late. That is the first proof of use I have ever seen, and my husband said it was an isolated incidence. In a rare moment of honesty he once confessed that he would do cocaine when it was offered to him, but he never pays for it. I would ague that he probably pays in the form of returned favors, but I think I would know if he spent a lot of money on his habit, I think." Also, in the quote above you said that in a rare moment of honestly, he confessed. You are in a relationship with someone you can not trust. I went to relationship counseling with my STBAXH. Not worth it. If you can't trust them, you can't trust them to tell the truth in therapy -- so you're telling the trust, and they are not because they are in denial. So when you get home, they will use what you say to manipulate you into allowing them to use more drugs -- trust me on this, they can twist the truth into the most ridiculous shapes to make you feel as if their drug use is YOUR fault, and their insistence on blaming you for their drug use is so unshakable that you will start to believe what they say. Example: "you said you were insecure about X during therapy, but it's because of your insecurity about X that our relationship is bad, so that makes me need to use drugs because the drugs make me feel better emotionally/physically." See? They blame you. They don't take responsibility for their decision to use drugs. It's your fault, they say. 3) The quote below was the exact same thing I told myself. I made it clear to my STBAXH that I did not want drugs to be part of my life, but he choose to bring it into the house anyway, and then lied about it. I also knew I could not make decisions for him, BUT I tolerated it. I tolerated it for years. Does this make me insane? I think it makes me addicted to hope. What has happened to you here is that you have made your boundaries known: no drugs. He has violated your boundaries. You can't stop him from continuing to violate your boundaries. This is disrespectful. Your child will see this and even though they are young, the early stages of childhood are very important and they need the adults in their lives to be loving and responsible towards them and each other. At the moment, your AH is not able to be that towards either of you because his first love is the drugs -- it's probably not something he can help either, as he's an addict. So EVEN if he says he loves you and your child, even if he says he would NEVER hurt you or your child, know that he has already hurt you both. He wants to love you. He can't while he's using drugs. This is hard to accept because we want our loved ones to love us back. "My impression has always been that it was something that would come up a couple of times a year, and I have always made it clear that I did not want it to be a part of my life. I was furious that he brought it into our house, but I know I can't make any choices on his behalf." 4) Regarding your quote below. I think sometimes addicts choose their partners as part of their "sober" mask. They want to appear as "normal", and a partner who doesn't have a lot of friends or family nearby for support is ideal because they think this is someone who won't leave them as they can't. I was also new in town when I first got together with my STBAXH. I had a few friends and family, but my STBAXH isolated me even more. Soon I had no one to talk to. If you can, I would advise you contact your friends or family in Scandinavia, and organize to borrow money so that you and your child can leave your AH. If you can't do that, see if your in-laws will help you (but only if they are not going to "take his side"). I am not saying you need to divorce your AH, but just separate while you gain some perspective. If you have any people at all who love you, please contact them. You can not rely on your husband for anything. If it's possible, while you are planning this, start putting some money aside. Do this without telling your AH. You can talk to your AH, but please do not tell him everything. Keep some secrets in your pocket in case his reaction is not good. "I'm from Scandinavia, moved to the US to be with my husband. I don't have any family here other than what I married into, and I have less than a handful of friends that aren't essentially his. [...] My husband works at and partially owns a restaurant/bar and is at the moment the sole provider for our family. His work schedule is unpredictable, and a substantial part of his pay is in the form of tips, aka cash in hand. In other words, I have virtually no way of knowing when he is working late and when he is staying out, just as I have no real way of knowing how much money he spends on a night out." 5) This quote below is the biggest red flag. My STBAXH said that all his symptoms (not sleeping, sleeping all day, not eating, fast heart rate, reoccurring depression, vomiting, etc) were from PTSD. He even told me not to do research on the drugs he was using because that wasn't my responsibility and he didn't want me to worry about him. Now I know better. I think you know the truth. You also said your AH is an excellent liar. Something that excellent liars do is sometimes they will admit to a truth in order to gain and keep your trust. So it's as if they're tossing you crumbs from time to time, but no matter how many crumbs they toss you, you can never make a whole cake. My STBAXH once borrowed money from me when he was desperate for drugs. I asked him to buy steak. I thought that he would buy the steak and then use the change to buy drugs. I was testing him. He knew it. He came back with a steak and the exact change. I was so pleased with him, I said, "Oh wow, I can trust you, you're so wonderful!" Knowing I said that now makes me think I must have been crazy. If I have to test someone to out if I can trust him, I should not be friends with him let alone be married to him. The fact that I still miss my STBAXH probably means I have some crazy left in my brain that needs sorting out -- that's normal though, I think. If you know your AH is a liar, and I think you do, and you are reluctant to leave him, it's normal. "His sleep schedule has been irregular for as long as I've known him, and other tell tales of cocaine use (I have been doing a bit of reading, see) such as runny nose, fast heart rate, reoccurring depression and the occasional nosebleed he attributes to other conditions like allergies, smoking pot (which I am OK with), SAD and something that has been happening since he was a child respectively. I know from experience that my husband is an excellent liar and would typically prefer to lie rather than tell a truth that would upset me. However, his recent confession of doing cocaine came more or less out of nowhere, so I would like to think that he is trying to be honest with me and that he really wants to stop using. But as you can probably tell by now, I really don't know how to trust him. I'm not convinced that I would have been aware if he'd been addicted or at least using for as long as I've known him." 6) Oh no. You're already a single parent. He's checked out of the relationship a long time ago. This staying awake from 2 to 6am, doing stuff on the computer when he gets home, and then sleeping all day when he has the day off... my STBAXH use to do ALL OF THOSE THINGS. He said that insomnia from PTSD kept him awake from 2 to 6am. He would wake up at 4pm and stay awake until 6am. My guy was a grad student when we met (we were both grad students) and then became and stayed unemployed for 10 years afterwards. I eventually lost my job because I had to care for what I thought were PTSD symptoms. Caring for an active addict in denial with drain the life out of you. I went prematurely grey and now I can't have kids (and I wanted them). You are not alone in this situation. I know that you say that you are, but your story is so similar to mine, you are not alone. Please seek out a face-to-face support group if you can, like AlAnon or NarcAnon. Some of the older members on SR have excellent advice. Some of their advice will be very hard to hear, but just give it a chance. I think that when you say your AH wants to stop using and make changes to save your marriage, you need to take into account that 1) those are just words, and 2) you have already said that he lies. This could be like the time he admitted to using drugs, which you said was a rare moment of truth. He could be saying this, not because it's true, but because like the time he admitted to this drug use, it will keep you in the relationship for longer. My STBAXH used to say he wanted to change, and he kept saying it for 5 years. See, I'm a hopeful person. I believe in the ability that people have to triumph over adversity. So I believed in my STBAXH. I trusted in him but that was misplaced trust. I should have trusted my gut. Listen to your gut. "So now that I've outlined the background, let me get to the problem. My husband has been more or less completely absent from family life. He'll come home late, stay up for another few hours doing stuff on his computer, then go to bed typically between 2 and 6 AM and stay there until he rolls out of bed 10 minutes before work or, in case he has the day off, till evening when we might get to see him a few hours before my daughter and I go to bed. As a result I haven't had much in the way of break from parenting in the last 1½ years, and frankly I have been going down the drain mentally, feeling very alone in this situation, and very hopeless as far as our marriage has been concerned. My husband says that he, too, has been feeling hopeless and resentful about our relationship, and that is what spurred on the last 4 months of cocaine use. He also says that he wants to stop using and make changes to save our marriage." 7) The paragraph below is you thinking of ways to rationalize his behavior. Don't do it. It's crazy-making. You can't figure him out. He has to figure out what his triggers are and what his issues with his family are, not you. I tried to "figure out" my STBAXH for years. I mean, YEARS. After a while he resented me. Rightly so. I was just making excuses for his addiction and he knew I was doing it. I think he would have respected me more if I had just said, "you violated my boundaries, so I'm out of here, bye" and left. But I was raised to believe that one had to make marriage "work". What I forgot all about was that my husband was not also doing any "work" on the marriage. I think it's up to you if you involve his parents, you know them best. If you think his parents will help you and believe you, talk to them. You need to think about your child... if they will help care for your child while you find work, talk to them. "I suspect the main trigger for him is the people around him. I know most, if not all of his friends have a history of drug use, and I know some of them are still using, but I have no idea to what degree his close friends still are. The majority seem to be living normal, healthy-ish lives, but admittedly I don't know them all that well. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family, so there isn't anyone I would immediately think of to reach out to for help. I think my husband would feel severely betrayed if I involved his parents." 8) From everything you said, I think you are dealing with an active addict. From reading SR, I would say that if your AH voluntarily went into recovery, and stayed in recovery for the rest of his life, you might be able to stay married. If you look at his current behavior, this is not the behavior of someone in a marriage with another human being, he is married to his drugs. So ending your marriage will not be difficult, it's ending the delusion that will be difficult. I know it will be difficult because I find it hard just to get through each day. Also, if you want to stay married, you have to consider that you can't trust him. So there is no way to tell that when he eventually says he's sober, that he's telling the truth. From living with someone who was difficult to trust, I can tell you that it wasn't worth it for me. I wasted so many years with someone I could not trust. Please don't make the same mistake. You asked what it is reasonable to expect. I think you should expect NOTHING from him. You can't control him, you can't change him. But you should expect it will be difficult to start over as a single parent with a child. It will be lonely. It will be so hard, but at least you and your child will not be living with a lying, absentee father. I wish you all the best with whatever choices you make. "What do you all think? Where do I go from here? What are the signs I should be paying attention to? What are the questions I should be asking myself and him to figure out whether our marriage still has a chance? What are the changes we have to make to succeed? What is reasonable to expect? What do I need to know about living with a user/addict?" |
Hi... this is dumb, but I wanted to edit my message for typos, but the edit limit had expired. So here it is in another post. Apologies for double posting. Edited for typos and book recommendations. Ok ChocAddict, Your story sounds similar to mine except I don't have children. I regret not having children as I'm older now, but I'm glad I didn't have kids with my STBAXH. I was in a 10-year relationship with an active addict who was lying about it, and was a master liar/manipulator -- he would do or say anything to keep using drugs/protect his addiction, even if it meant that he lost his career, compulsively lied to me, lost his close friends, lost his health, spent all our money, or even stopped sleeping or eating. I kept trusting him when he said he wasn't an addict and that he only used drugs from time to time, or that the drugs were not addictive... etc. By the time he was having near-death experiences from overdosing, and I had tried to get him to contact a rehabilitation service, he was so hooked that any mention of "rehab" or the word "sober" or the words "you owe me money", made him violently angry. I don't want anyone else to have this experience so I'm going to respond to this in length. I'm going to pull out some quotes from what you wrote, just to make my reply easier. 1) I believe your husband is an addict. Also, he's not ready to go into recovery because he is in denial. Please read all my comments in light of the assumption I have made that your husband is an addict. "He says he isn't addicted, that it's been bi-weekly for 4 months or so. I know he has a history of recreational (?) use going back at least a decade, but I thought he was more or less done with that. All in all I'm rather clueless on the subject, which is why I am here now. " This quote here, tells me that he's an addict. I say that with confidence because this is exactly what my STBAXH said to me. He would say he only used it once a week or twice a week, or once every two weeks. Whatever. He also had a history of recreational use going back at least a decade when I first met him. Also, I was clueless about drugs. I did not even smoke pot. Really clueless. Whatever he said was good as gold. I think you are doing the right thing by reading the SR forums. Keep doing it. 2) If your AH can't admit to having a problem and getting help, get out and save your child if not yourself. Here are the things you need to save yourself from: lying, poverty, stealing (when he eventually runs out of money), abuse (of your trust, your time, your compassion for his predicament), possible violence... etc. Drugs are bad news if you have a child you need to protect. Active addicts can be incredibly selfish because their relationship to their drug is their number one relationship. I thought that I could love my STBAXH into sobriety. I was wrong. I still miss him from time to time and I still regret not having been able to "cure" him cause the wound is fresh. However, what I've read on these forums, and also learned from other drug rehab services is that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. Please don't try to control it. I know your AH gets tips, but let me give you an example using money: say you talk to his boss and they agree to transfer his paycheck to your private bank account (if you don't have one, you should get one that you don't tell him about), and you give him an allowance so that you know what he spends and where. He is going to start seeing you as an obstacle to his drug use, and that puts you in a very risky position. "When I was pregnant I found a small bag of cocaine on the coffee table one night when I came home late. That is the first proof of use I have ever seen, and my husband said it was an isolated incidence. In a rare moment of honesty he once confessed that he would do cocaine when it was offered to him, but he never pays for it. I would ague that he probably pays in the form of returned favors, but I think I would know if he spent a lot of money on his habit, I think." Also, in the quote above you said that in a rare moment of honestly, he confessed. You are in a relationship with someone you can not trust. I went to relationship counseling with my STBAXH because he lied to me. Not worth it. If you can't trust him, you can't trust him to tell the truth in therapy -- so you're telling the truth, and his is not because he is in denial. So when you get home, he will use what you said in therapy to manipulate you into "allowing" him to use more drugs -- trust me on this, he can twist the truth into the most ridiculous shapes to make you feel as if his drug use is YOUR fault, and his insistence on blaming you for his drug use is so unshakable that you will start to believe what he says. Example: "you said you were insecure about X during therapy, but it's because of your X insecurity that our relationship is bad, so that makes me need to use drugs because drugs make me feel better emotionally/physically." They blame you. They don't take responsibility for their decision to use drugs. It's your fault, they say. 3) The quote below was the exact same thing I told myself. I made it clear to my STBAXH that I did not want drugs to be part of my life, but he choose to bring it into the house anyway, and then lied about it. I also knew I could not make decisions for him, BUT I tolerated it. I tolerated it for years. Does this make me insane? I think it makes me addicted to hope. What has happened to you here is that you have made your boundaries known: no drugs. He has violated your boundaries. You can't stop him from continuing to violate your boundaries. He is disrespectful. Your child will see this and even though they are young, the early stages of childhood are very important and they need the adults in their lives to be loving and responsible towards them and each other. At the moment, your AH is not able to be that towards either of you because his first love is the drugs -- it's probably not something he can help either, as he's an addict. So EVEN if he says he loves you and your child, even if he says he would NEVER hurt you or your child, know that he has already hurt you both. He wants to love you (he might even say he loves you). Unfortunately he can't love you the way you deserve while he's using drugs. This is hard to accept because we want our loved ones to love us too. "My impression has always been that it was something that would come up a couple of times a year, and I have always made it clear that I did not want it to be a part of my life. I was furious that he brought it into our house, but I know I can't make any choices on his behalf." 4) Regarding your quote below. I think sometimes addicts choose their partners as part of their "sober" mask. They want to appear "normal", and a partner who doesn't have a lot of friends or family nearby for support is ideal because they think this is someone who won't leave them as they can't. I was also new in town when I first got together with my STBAXH. I had a few friends and family, but my STBAXH isolated me even more. Soon I had no one to talk to. If you can, I would advise you contact your friends or family in Scandinavia, and organize to borrow money so that you and your child can leave your AH. If you can't do that, see if your in-laws will help you (but only if they are not going to "take his side"). I am not saying you need to divorce your AH, but just separate while you gain some perspective. If you have any people at all who love you, please contact them. You can not rely on your husband for anything. If it's possible, while you are planning this, start putting some money aside. Do this without telling your AH. You can talk to your AH, but please do not tell him everything. Keep some secrets in your pocket in case his reaction is not good. "I'm from Scandinavia, moved to the US to be with my husband. I don't have any family here other than what I married into, and I have less than a handful of friends that aren't essentially his. [...] My husband works at and partially owns a restaurant/bar and is at the moment the sole provider for our family. His work schedule is unpredictable, and a substantial part of his pay is in the form of tips, aka cash in hand." 5) This quote below is the biggest red flag. My STBAXH said that all his symptoms (not sleeping, sleeping all day, not eating, fast heart rate, reoccurring depression, vomiting, etc) were from PTSD. He even told me not to do research on the drugs he was using because that wasn't my responsibility and he didn't want me to worry about him. Now I know better. I think you know the truth. You also said your AH is an excellent liar. Something that excellent liars do is sometimes they will admit to a truth in order to gain and keep your trust. So it's as if they're tossing you crumbs from time to time, but no matter how many crumbs they toss you, you can never make a whole cake. My STBAXH once borrowed money from me when he was desperate for drugs. I asked him to buy groceries. I thought that he would buy groceries and then use the change to buy drugs. I was testing him. He knew it. He came back with groceries and the exact change. I was so pleased with him, I said, "Oh wow, I can trust you, I can really, really trust you!" Knowing I said that now makes me think I must have been crazy. If I have to test him to see if I can trust him, I should not be friends with him let alone be married to him. The fact that I still miss my STBAXH probably means I have some crazy left in my brain that needs sorting out -- that's normal though, I think, I hope. If you know your AH is a liar, and I think you do, and you are reluctant to leave him, it's normal. I feel sad sometimes. "His sleep schedule has been irregular for as long as I've known him, and other tell tales of cocaine use (I have been doing a bit of reading, see) such as runny nose, fast heart rate, reoccurring depression and the occasional nosebleed he attributes to other conditions like allergies, smoking pot (which I am OK with), SAD and something that has been happening since he was a child respectively. I know from experience that my husband is an excellent liar and would typically prefer to lie rather than tell a truth that would upset me. However, his recent confession of doing cocaine came more or less out of nowhere, so I would like to think that he is trying to be honest with me and that he really wants to stop using. But as you can probably tell by now, I really don't know how to trust him. I'm not convinced that I would have been aware if he'd been addicted or at least using for as long as I've known him." 6) Oh no. You're already a single parent. He's checked out of the relationship a long time ago. This staying awake from 2 to 6am, doing stuff on the computer when he gets home, and then sleeping all day when he has the day off... my STBAXH use to do ALL OF THOSE THINGS. He said that insomnia from PTSD kept him awake from 2 to 6am. He would wake up at 4pm and stay awake until 6am. My guy was a grad student when we met (we were both grad students) and then became and stayed unemployed for 10 years afterwards. I eventually lost my job because I had to care for what I thought were PTSD symptoms. Caring for an active addict in denial with drain the life out of you. I went prematurely grey and now I can't have kids (and I wanted them). You are not alone in this situation. I know that you say that you are, but your story is so similar to mine, you are not alone. Please seek out a face-to-face support group if you can, like AlAnon or NarcAnon. Some of the older members on SR have excellent advice. Some of their advice will be very hard to hear, but just give it a chance. I think that when you say your AH wants to stop using and make changes to save your marriage, you need to take into account that 1) those are just words, and 2) you have already said that he lies. This could be like the time he admitted to using drugs, which you said was a rare moment of truth. He could be saying this, not because it's true, but because like the time he admitted to his drug use, it will keep you in the relationship for longer. My STBAXH used to say he wanted to change, and he kept saying it for years. See, I'm a hopeful person. I believe in the ability that people have to triumph over adversity. So I believed in my STBAXH. I trusted in him but that was misplaced trust. I should have trusted myself. Listen to your gut. "So now that I've outlined the background, let me get to the problem. My husband has been more or less completely absent from family life. He'll come home late, stay up for another few hours doing stuff on his computer, then go to bed typically between 2 and 6 AM and stay there until he rolls out of bed 10 minutes before work or, in case he has the day off, till evening when we might get to see him a few hours before my daughter and I go to bed. As a result I haven't had much in the way of break from parenting in the last 1½ years, and frankly I have been going down the drain mentally, feeling very alone in this situation, and very hopeless as far as our marriage has been concerned. My husband says that he, too, has been feeling hopeless and resentful about our relationship, and that is what spurred on the last 4 months of cocaine use. He also says that he wants to stop using and make changes to save our marriage." 7) The paragraph below is you thinking of ways to rationalize his behavior. Don't do it. It's crazy-making. You can't figure him out. He has to figure out what his triggers are and what his issues with his family are, not you. I tried to "figure out" my STBAXH for years. I mean, YEARS. It was my raison d'etre. After a while he resented me. Rightly so. I was just making excuses for his addiction and he knew I was doing it. I think he would have respected me more if I had just said, "you violated my boundaries, so I'm out of here, bye assh*le" and left. But I was raised to believe that one had to make marriage "work". What I forgot all about was that my husband was not capable of doing any "work" on the marriage himself. I think it's up to you if you involve his parents, you know them best. If you think his parents will help you and believe you, talk to them. You need to think about your child... if they will help care for your child while you find work, talk to them. "I suspect the main trigger for him is the people around him. I know most, if not all of his friends have a history of drug use, and I know some of them are still using, but I have no idea to what degree his close friends still are. The majority seem to be living normal, healthy-ish lives, but admittedly I don't know them all that well. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family, so there isn't anyone I would immediately think of to reach out to for help. I think my husband would feel severely betrayed if I involved his parents." 8) From everything you said, I think you are dealing with an active addict. From reading SR, I would say that if your AH voluntarily went into recovery, and stayed in recovery for the rest of his life, you might be able to stay married. If you look at his current behavior, this is not the behavior of someone in a marriage with another human being, he is married to his drugs. So ending your marriage will not be difficult, it's ending the delusion that will be difficult. I know it will be difficult because I find it hard just to get through each day. Being alone feels terrible, but I was already alone in my relationship. It's just more palpable now. Also, if you want to stay married, you have to consider that you can't trust him. So there is no way to tell that when he eventually says he's sober, that he's telling the truth. From living with someone who was difficult to trust, I can tell you that it wasn't worth it for me. I wasted so many years with someone I could not trust. Please don't make the same mistake. You can't love someone if you can't trust them. You asked what it is reasonable to expect. I think you should expect NOTHING from him. You can't control him, you can't change him. But you should expect it will be difficult to start over as a single parent with a child. It will be lonely. It will be so hard, but at least you and your child will not be living with a lying, absentee father. I wish you all the best with whatever choices you make. There are also some good books out there about codependence and boundaries. I've been reading Melody Beattie's "Codependence No More" and found it useful to some extent. Also "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. "What do you all think? Where do I go from here? What are the signs I should be paying attention to? What are the questions I should be asking myself and him to figure out whether our marriage still has a chance? What are the changes we have to make to succeed? What is reasonable to expect? What do I need to know about living with a user/addict?" |
Originally Posted by Ann
(Post 6575434)
He will blame you, try to convince you that you are crazy and paranoid, and lie to keep you on the hook....and all the other things Anvilhead said. |
What do I need to know about living with a user/addict? Keep us posted. |
Please don't make the mistake that I made with my son, thinking "he's not like "those" other people". Yes he is/was/continues to be. A strange thing here is that addiction is almost "textbook". You may read something from someone half way across the world and think it could be his twin, the tales are so alike. Sadly, so are the victim's of addiction here stories. Some do get better, the forums above this will show you many who made it to the other side across the bridge of recovery. Many don't, some die, some destroy their minds with drugs and end up homeless, living in shelters or under bridges. We never know how "our" addict will end up. My son has been missing, lost in his addiction for over 10 years. He very well may be dead, or no longer capable of functioning. He may be clean but I doubt it very much, he knows how to get in touch with us when he has significant clean time and we have never heard a word. I don't search for my son because if he is still using, then what? Do I invite the circus back to town and go another round? I give his care to God, pray for him each day and then don't let my mind linger in dark places thinking of the possibilities. His fate is no longer in my hands, thinking it ever was, was just an illusion. |
Ann I am so sorry to read above. I cant imagine 10 years. I'm trying to get through like 10 weeks. Your post made me think & humbled me greatly. |
This really hits home for me. My STBAXH used to say he was not like "those" other people, and I believed it too. Exceptionalism is part of the mindset of the disease. My mind still goes to dark places. It takes a while to train yourself out of it so you think of the addict less and less and focus more on your healing. To me, the fact that you've come to SR means that you are ready to do something, even if that something is entertaining the possibility that your AH has an addiction, which you can't control. You can get through this. :grouphug:
Originally Posted by Ann
(Post 6575951)
Please don't make the mistake that I made with my son, thinking "he's not like "those" other people". Yes he is/was/continues to be. A strange thing here is that addiction is almost "textbook". You may read something from someone half way across the world and think it could be his twin, the tales are so alike. Sadly, so are the victim's of addiction here stories. [...] I give his care to God, pray for him each day and then don't let my mind linger in dark places thinking of the possibilities. His fate is no longer in my hands, thinking it ever was, was just an illusion. |
Mostly that it will never be a healthy, happy home and it's best to try to build your own life now if you can. I struggle with addiction to alcohol myself and my ex struggled with addiction to anything and everything. He found a way to abuse all his prescriptions and even over the counter medicine when he was desperate, but opiates and alcohol were his favorite. He will steal from you, he will steal from your child's piggy bank. He will lie lie lie. He will gaslight you to make it seem as though you are the crazy one. He will sweettalk you and make empty promises that he breaks the very next day or within hours. You will carry the weight of the world, of the household, the child rearing on your shoulders. You will be angry. A lot. I'm still reeling and picking up the pieces from the separation from my AEXBF. I'm doing better over all now that's he's gone, but it's been a process, and it's still not over. |
I agree with everything that's been said. Also, I think the hardest thing for romantic partners of addicts to accept is that even if we have been sober all along, and begged and pleaded with them to get help- if they do finally choose recovery, they often have to leave us behind. It seems so wrong- I mean, we can understand them cutting off their drug buddies. But us? Yes. Because the association is there. We were a constant presence during their addiction, therefore their brains associate us with using. So, for example, I like to listen to records while I'm cooking. My ex always knew this was a great time to go get high, because I was preoccupied and couldn't hear him. After a few years of doing this, if he were to choose recovery (he hasn't yet) and walked into the kitchen to find me sauteeing and bopping to the beat, what do you think is going to be the first thing to pop into his mind? Best of luck. |
I wanted to quick let you all know that I have read and reread you posts, and that I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply! A lot is going on right now, and I haven't quite sorted the jumble of thoughts in my head enough to make any large decisions. So far what I have done is this: 1) I have involved his parents who turned out to both be recovered cocaine addicts! They are deeply concerned, but believe that he isn't in too deep for recovery. His dad had actually suspected that he was using. 2) I have had several talks with my husband. I haven't given him the ultimatum of me or drugs, but I have made it clear that if he continues to lie to me, I will be leaving and taking our daughter with me. I have also made it clear that he needs to shape up to be a better husband and father, and that he needs to work towards sobriety. 3) My husband has flushed his stash, and he has made major changes in day to day life with me and our daughter as far as being present. From what he says, I think he's going back and forth in his head about wanting to be sober and believing that he doesn't really have a problem. For the time being I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He is a loving father when he is available, and I have never feared for our daughter's safety. 4) I have been and will continue to set aside money in case my daughter and I will be moving out. 5) I continue to educate myself on cocaine addiction, and quietly read a lot of threads on this forum. Thank you, all, for being here! |
thank you for the update! you have made some very positive healthy steps and have your head around doing what is best for you and your daughter. keep that game plan in play. i want to zero in a bit on HIS part here......he says he dumped his stash. you may have even witnessed the ceremony. this does not mean that he dumped ALL his stash - even if he did, it's super easy to get more. especially if, even when confronted by his wife, he still waffles on whether he really has a problem or not. note to the husbands out there - if the wife says it's a problem, it's a PROBLEM!!! LOL it's been about a week since you first posted. so how things might look right now is not a real good predictor going forward. he's on his best behavior RIGHT NOW. more will be revealed! wishing the best for all of you. |
Ditto to what Anvilhead said. When my husband nearly killed my then-2-year-old son by carelessly leaving out his oxycontin, he put on the show of a lifetime! First, he told all the nursing staff (son was hospitalized for the overdose) that he was going to kill himself if they told me, because I would leave him. He'd already suffered enough! HE'D been through enough! And those dumb nurses really bought his shtick, too. Told me not to go too hard on him. We got home and he went through the ceremony of "dumping his stash". I told him I still wanted him to go to rehab. He didn't need rehab! HE'D been through enough! Then I followed him out to his car a little while later without him noticing. Saw him hide the rest of his pills under the floorboard. Never trust the ceremony. |
I'm not at point of trusting anything. In fact, I am at the time of writing waiting for my husband to come home. Waiting to see if he's going to be high when he returns. It's 4 AM. He told me he had to go fix something in the computer system at work, that it had to be done while the restaurant is closed. So he left at midnight, expecting our daughter and I to be asleep. I'm sick to the stomach! Did he make up this story for a chance to head out and do cocaine? I just got off the phone with his mom, told her my suspicion, and asked her to drive down to see if his car is at work. If he's there. I'm shaking with worry. I'm so not OK! And I'm so not ready to trust. |
Here is the thing. He is an addict. His body is physically calling for more. Telling him to shape up is not doing much, he needs rehab for help if he so chooses. I would say you know about the tip of the iceberg. He was likely using more than you think. I would say that he is likely trying, but needs more help than he can do for himself. They always start off with good intentions of quitting themselves, until they can't. |
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