I need happy stories. Anyone reconciled w/ their addict?
 

So... uh I'm just wondering... has anyone ever reconnected/reconciled with their addict spouse/partner? Or does it always end this way?

My AH has burnt so many bridges that to get back with him would be a huge feat of... change. Also the stuff he was on was dangerous enough that he probably will never be the same, even if he did go into recovery. So I know reconciliation is not realistic, but we have a shared history. He was part of so much of my life. Does anyone who had an addict spouse and who had lived with all the attendant problems (lying, stealing, abuse, health) ever have a happy ending with the same person?

Also, has anyone over 40 who had to leave an addict spouse/partner ever find anyone else to live their dream life with? Anyone get their dream career after 40? I want to hear something happy today.

Please share your story if you have a happy one.

Sure there are happy endings but the people off living that happy life with their RECOVERING addict don’t post here when it’s all happy and good. But they often do come back when it’s no longer happy and addiction has reared its ugly head once again.

The people I personally know over 40 who left marriages due to addiction/alcoholism are either happy and content or they have jumped right into yet another kind of toxic relationship.

The ones who invested in themselves first and did some hard work so they will not repeat their own history, lots of them found healthy partners and live happy healthy lives.

The ones who jumped real quick into a relationship, struggle with all the same demons, tolerate all the same unacceptable behaviors and are no better off today than they were at the ending of their marriage.

Ophelia, you have no reason to believe he is seeking recovery.

I encourage you to work on YOU, finding your own happiness, and then you will be in a frame of mind to live a happy life.

Big hugs.

I have to respectfully disagree with the idea that people stop posting when things are well and good. I remember searching relentlessly for success stories and finding several happy updates. Then I looked at their more recent posts and I just about every one was bad... really bad. When we're smoking the hopium pipe we WANT to prove the world wrong. We are desperate to be a part of the minority whose relationships persevered, so heck yeah, we're gonna update! It's when we're ashamed because we were warned but stayed that we stop posting. Especially when there's kids involved, because we feel like terrible parents.

My two cents.

I didn't. But one of my closest friends did. He wasn't an addict, but he sure as hell was a narcissistic, thieving, lying bastard.

She gave up her career to support his, and believe me he was very high up the food chain. When they divorced, she got nothing. She moved into an apartment, and took the first job that moved, which she HATED. He kept the house in the well-to-do neighborhood and his prominent, salaried career.

BUT, when she left him, she could then spend the time building the life she wanted. She no longer had to be his emotional babysitter. Now, two years after the divorce, and long after age 40, she has a job that is so unbelievable she still pinches herself. If they didn't get divorced, she would have never availed herself of the opportunity. She would have never known how much she lost by staying with him. She would have never known how much she would gain by leaving him.

Smoking the hopium pipe haha love it soo true! I've never met any success stories. Ive known couples who's addicted significant other got clean only to then turn to alcohol but never met a truely reformed addict with the same partner that was with them throughout their addiction to them being in long term recovery

Also, has anyone over 40 who had to leave an addict spouse/partner ever find anyone else to live their dream life with? Anyone get their dream career after 40? I want to hear something happy today.

dream life
dream career

rarely does life GIVE us what we dreamed we SHOULD have. we don't get to sit on Santa's knee and reel off our list of wishes. we don't GET stuff, we work for it. we discover that the life we already have is better than what we thought we wanted. we were never equipped for the childlike wishes.......nor are we places in such situations that we have no skills to endure.

the Marines have it right - Improvise, Adapt, Overcome.

yet so did Ceasar - Veni, vidi, vici - I came, I saw, I conquered.

in each there is the call to take up arms, to ACT, to not only respond to the scenario, but come out the better.

yes, sh!t happens. to all of us. in bigger and smaller ways. and we each get a CHOICE in how to respond. do we LET it happen or do we adapt and overcome? do we see and turn our eyes away or do we CONQUER?

happiness doesn't come to us in the back of a FedEx truck. our happiness comes from respecting our own values, morals and ethics. to live within our boundaries, to know where our compassion and love for others ENDS......respecting where their lives, their choices, begin and end. to lift up those who do not have the means......or the choice.

This is me. He quit using drugs and hasn't used again in 10 years. But our relationship slowly died over time. I just couldn't forgive him after the initial betrayals. I thought I could. I thought I was happy. It was a slow death of our relationship.

Even though he didn't use drugs anymore, he did drink. And refused to believe he was an alcoholic (or an addict with meth before). As a matter of fact, he didn't believe in addiction at all. Funny that.

Now I am in my 40s and I cannot tell you how happy I am to be free. And I am free. He is not my problem anymore. I am free.

That's my happy ending, that I never have to worry about him or his addiction again. And I have never been happier. I wish I could tell myself this 10 years ago, but alas . . . I had to be broken down over and over again. Enough to finally kill every piece of respect and love I had for him.

Ah, never mind. I just re-read the messages he sent me and they were so vile that I just wish he never existed.

As for having the life one dreams of having... I have always dreamed of living in a small art studio, just a small space filled with my paintings. That is, I don't think, too much of a fantasy. I just never got to do that because I was living with (and for) an addict instead of living my life.

This.

O, your dreams are so attainable. And I really do think many older women are alone by choice. I mean, I could be considered a typical "success story" right now. I started dating someone right after my divorce was finalized. He had a good job, a nice home, is NOT an addict, and is very well-respected in the community. He wanted to get married after just one month. I could have had my "happily ever after" right away. Instead, I dumped his sorry a$$. Yup. He made disparaging comments that made me feel like crap and I won't settle. So while some may say, "Oh, how sad. She tried dating again, but it didn't last", I know that this is HUGE for me. Because I didn't let myself rationalize his behavior. I didn't say, "Oh, well, he's mean and I'm miserable a lot around him. But overall he's a great guy."

I'm writing in a hurry as I'm heading out the door. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. A lot of the people we see as being in a happy relationship aren't, and the people we feel sorry for for being alone are very happy to be that way.

I am going to say this, I still post here, and I am a success story. We are not together, but I am a different, and much better person than who I was when we were together. My XAH is in my opinion a horrible person, all around. I was miserable w/ him, and our children were miserable in such a home.

Now....I have a good job. I own my own home. I am a good example for my kids. We have learned that we cannot control how others act, but we can sure control how we react. I have a happy life. I have learned that living on pins and needles was destroying me, completely changed me into a different person. I have learned that I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE. So are you Ophelia.

You have dreams. One step a time, do what you need to do to achieve those and be the happy person you deserve to be.

HUGE HUGS!

I should probably revive this thread with a different title so I get more happy stories about people who are happy because they have moved on.

write your own, O.K.! :grouphug:

Sure. My AXGF left me for another addict in January 2012 and confessed to multiple infidelities on her way out the door.

Since then, I've completed my Masters of Science in Electrical and Computer Engineering, have been promoted at work twice, my salary is now over six figures, and I'm getting married on the beach at St. Lucia three weeks from tomorrow, and we're living in a gorgeous two bedroom loft.

Sometimes the happiest endings are the ones that appear to be unhappy endings out of the gate.