Relapsing nephew/young father - wanna be tough.
 

It has become abundantly clear that my 30something nephew has relapsed on some cocktail. I've been a lifeline for a little bit, just phone calls and such. He's been through rehab at least once so I want to cut to the chase and the next time I talk to him, I want to give him a bottom line with me, and that I won't deal with him until he cleans up his act.

I know that's hard and I'm afraid what happens afterwards and then I say "my god, so narcissistic of me, to think that me shutting the door will change his life". On some level he must know what he needs to do to turn things around. His dad, my brother, died when AN was little, so he knows what it's like to grow up without a father AND he was a stay at home dad, so those sons of his are really hurting without him there.

Is drawing an intervention style bottom line: straighten up and fly right' or keep making those stupid decisions, I don't want to watch you die, so goodbye for now. I just want to cut to the chase, stop playing the games and go back to the real world. - is this a good plan or a bad one. I'm a thousand miles away. I don't like being heartless but it's for the right reasons...

it sounds like you are concerned not only for your nephew but also your own mental state. i think if you speak from the heart, without threats or ultimatums, your message might be best received. you love him, you are concerned for him, the family history is screaming STOP NOW, his own small children and that you have reached the end of your own tether in dealing with alcoholics. not sure a one person phone "intervention" is going to have the outcome you hope.

it's so tough, watching people repeat history. watching loved ones follow the path of other loved ones. i am so sorry, antoinette. :grouphug:

IMO, it's a healthy decision to remove oneself from situations where drugs/alcohol are having a negative impact on your life. But, let go of the outcome of how it may or may not influence your nephews decisions.

I think I've already done that because I know that HE is the one that needs to make the change.

Since October I've watched my father and my husbands mother die of old age, we buried Ma on Friday, so I'm already fried emotionally this week. I've found out that AN has been lying for several months at least. We lost his dad indirectly to drugs, my next brother I've lost to addiction, he won't even acknowledge I'm alive. Until a we bit ago, AN was angry with my ABrother for being selfish...and now he's back with his uncle, so it's all very confusing.

I'm also being self-protective; I have PTSD from our childhood, my brothers took the chemical approach I guess. I want to cut the cycle, it's why I didn't have children, I know I was not equipped to raise them without killing them.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I will just say this, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Hugs.

That’s for sure!! A’s seem to have this ability when faced with a boundary, to find the tiny crack, the weak link and make it bigger or destroy it all together so that eventually the boundary is out of their way.

Not sure how close your relationship is, if you see him daily or if contact is limited to only the phone but it is not working for you right now and you need to make some adjustments.

I know more now, AN was holding a girl against her will, she got away and called the cops. He was tazed and taken into custody totally naked, with nothing but his cell phone. His mom was told he'd be sent to a psych hospital for evaluation but he sweet talked his way out of it and was released.

Meanwhile, the cops dropped off the phone with his mom since he was not locked up and it was his personal property. She looked through it and found lots of black tar heroin photos and references so we think that's the main substance, along with booze, weed and whatever.

He's gone NC with his mom and step dad, still will give a phrase or two to me through messages. His mother was shocked the cops released him since it was not the first time they've been called for him.

So how far down is bottom? I'm thinking it's bottom time, especially with his late father's birthday and the eclipse happening on the same day. I mean, wouldn't you see that as a sign if you were merely an old hippie, not to mention crazed beyond belief by drugs?

So I'm just asking for your support while he bungees lower and lower.

Oh Dear, that sounds almost unbelievable except when dealing with an Addict, it is entirely believable. You are doing the right thing in holding your boundaries. Black Tar heroin is an awful drug, that is what my son is also addicted to. It warps every sense of their thought process and entirely removes moral accountability. Stay strong .
TT

I’m sorry to hear about you’re and his progression into other substances other than booze. I hate addiction!

I guess a psych hospital can’t hold someone just for being under the influence and the same with the police. They can’t hold him just because he’s high but if the girl had pressed charges against him maybe they could have. I’ve seen the provable can get kicked down the road. The cops kicked him towards mental health and sounds like he did not meet their criteria (danger to himself or others) and let him go.

One of the things I learned about my ex A was that each time I assumed it would be his bottom, nope, he picked up and kept on digging.

Yes, keep strong, keep posting we are here for you.

I heard from AN through text, he sounded rational but I know so much more now that I also am sure he thinks he's playing me. I'm willing to 'smile and be stupid' from a distance, but he also mentioned he might be seeing me face to face soon, which makes sense since he's reconnected with my ABrother who lives near me but won't acknowledge my existence. There's a decent chance my AN may come to visit his AUncle and stop by here on the way.

If he does show up, I don't want to smile and be stupid, I want to call him on his bull, but he's volatile and explosive lately. Chances are if I bring up that I know he's been playing me for some time he'll probably turn tail and run, but what if he doesn't?

Also, if he drives up (from his home 1200 miles away) with his 'new girlfriend'/enabler, they will probably be carrying some heroin with them. Would I be a bad aunt if I called the cops and got him thrown in the hoosgow?

No you would not be a bad aunt.
If they bring it into your home,YES, call the cops. At least that is what I would do for my own safety.

Okay, good, but if he turns tail and runs, can I still call the cops and report him and his vehicle, get him stopped and locked up (for narcotics, but not his home state) if he doesn't threaten me but simply flees?

Not sure. You would have to had some proof. Why don't you call your PD and ask for some advice.

I mentioned this to my husband, who used be a deputy for the sheriff's office and he said you can't just report them if they're driving around, but if he shows up here and is high, he (husband) would probably call them anyway. I said good, then I'll just keep him here and keep him talking, and it should be fairly easy to tell if he's high because, well, he'll be high.

Here is the thing. The jails are overwhelmed with users. Unless he is a dealer, he will just get right back out again. The hospitals are sick of taking them, over and over. It's amazing how lucid they can be when there is a psych ward in front of them. I don't say this to be hurtful b/c I know you are scared, I just know it's the reality.

I don't know the answer. I would absolutely myself call the police if he were to have drugs in my home. Unless he is ready for recovery......it's not too likely. I also caution you on looking for a "BOTTOM." That does not exist for many, many people. Addiction ebbs and flows, it goes through periods of heavy use, and not as heavy. For many, there is not a bottom at all. However, they do take everyone that loves them down with them.

I would encourage you to seek face to face support through a group like Naranon or Celebrate Recovery. Keep coming back here to SR, you are not alone.

Gentle hugs.

Antoinette P.: I am sorry for the path your nephew has chosen. I am sorry for his children as well and hoping they are safe and sound. :grouphug: I understand your pain.

I also want to mention that I think it is good that you and your spouse are on the same page and support each other. That is a plus.

hopeful 4 says, "I don't know the answer. I would absolutely myself call the police if he were to have drugs in my home. Unless he is ready for recovery......it's not too likely. I also caution you on looking for a "BOTTOM." That does not exist for many, many people. Addiction ebbs and flows, it goes through periods of heavy use, and not as heavy. For many, there is not a bottom at all. However, they do take everyone that loves them down with them." Well said, hopeful 4.

About the ebbs and flows: An enabler may unwittingly reinforce the "ebbing and flowing" and protect the user from reaching bottom.

About boundaries: I absolutely know how challenging it can be to keep established boundaries with a substance abuser but it can be done.

So then what would your point in confronting him be? What would you hope to accomplish in calling him out on his BS? What’s more important to you today, being right and acting righteous or handing this situation from a healthy safe distance?

That sounds like you are trying to control a certain outcome based on assumptions and what if’s. Sounds like so much drama all centered around endless possibilities and all at the hands of an addict.

What if you just made the healthy decision to NOT deal with his addiction and keep the distance. Nothing says you MUST open your door to him. Nothing you do or say or don’t do or don’t say will have any effect on his addiction at all, so save yourself all this what if’s and assumptions and just try and focus on your own what if’s that do not involve him or an expected outcome.

Maybe say to yourself………..what if I went to al-anon meetings? What if I really learned more about addiction and addict behaviors so that I am better prepared to take care of ME.