AS just used (again) after 3 days detox-
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Does anyone have any input on if I should call rehab now or wait until AS wakes up?
They worked with him before on waiting till he was clean to do inpatient, but were expecting him for outpatient.
I'd like it better if it came from AS, but I want to make sure there's a chance and a spot for him. So I thought I would give heads up that he's thinking inpatient better.
Also, not sure if today and tomorrow enough to clean up.
(He also sees suboxone dr. tomorrow and important not to miss. )
Other possibility is he has to take his subs, go to outpatient, counseling and meetings as planned, but then I have to make sure he's taking his medicine. IN otherwords give him another chance with his subs. Outpatient is also MAT (Medication Assisted Treatment) program and supports use of subs.
They worked with him before on waiting till he was clean to do inpatient, but were expecting him for outpatient.
I'd like it better if it came from AS, but I want to make sure there's a chance and a spot for him. So I thought I would give heads up that he's thinking inpatient better.
Also, not sure if today and tomorrow enough to clean up.
(He also sees suboxone dr. tomorrow and important not to miss. )
Other possibility is he has to take his subs, go to outpatient, counseling and meetings as planned, but then I have to make sure he's taking his medicine. IN otherwords give him another chance with his subs. Outpatient is also MAT (Medication Assisted Treatment) program and supports use of subs.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by vaya 
So maybe I'm in denial, idk. But where is he to go? Rehab is only up to 3 months. When he's done there he has no job, no place to live, etc...
If he's willing to take the steps to get sober, is it right for me to deny him access to my home?
.
If he's willing to take the steps to get sober, is it right for me to deny him access to my home?
.
there will be conditions and structure at those houses and good for addicts/alkies that dont know structure .
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Vaya
I unfortunately have a lot of experience dealing with addicts. I made all the mistakes & then some
I'm saying this respectfully. Your son is 30 years old. He is an adult. Yes he is an addict
Shouldnt you let him attend to all these details? If he's serious about choosing recovery he will work through this process & ask for help where he needs it. The professionals at the detox or rehab centers will help him through the process
If he is not serious about recovery he will let you struggle with all the details. You doing all the work for him will have little chance of long term success Because he hasn't chosen that path for himself
From my experience it won't work unless the addict wants recovery they must make the choice. It can't be us too choose for them. I tried to no end. Sadly she didn't want a normal life. She chose her addicted lifestyle instead
Your 30 year old son needs to do all of this work for his own recovery
Thanks
I unfortunately have a lot of experience dealing with addicts. I made all the mistakes & then some
I'm saying this respectfully. Your son is 30 years old. He is an adult. Yes he is an addict
Shouldnt you let him attend to all these details? If he's serious about choosing recovery he will work through this process & ask for help where he needs it. The professionals at the detox or rehab centers will help him through the process
If he is not serious about recovery he will let you struggle with all the details. You doing all the work for him will have little chance of long term success Because he hasn't chosen that path for himself
From my experience it won't work unless the addict wants recovery they must make the choice. It can't be us too choose for them. I tried to no end. Sadly she didn't want a normal life. She chose her addicted lifestyle instead
Your 30 year old son needs to do all of this work for his own recovery
Thanks
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have put in enough energy on HIS Problems to keep a 100 watt lightbulb going for a week.
meanwhile, what is HE doing?
sleeping.
you absolutely HAVE to take your hands OFF this and give the problem and the process back to HIM. if HE wants to call rehab, great. if HE wants to do outpatient, great. if HE wants to take subs, or build a rocket and fly to the moon, GREAT. you have so owned HIS path that it's no longer his.
he's a 30 year old MAN for pete's sake. treat him as such. you may not like the choices, but they are HIS choices.
REHABS are not the problem here. he's been to how many this year alone? and over time? their intake process is not the problem. lots of OTHER addicts manage to comply just fine. the delay in the "what to bring" list is not the problem. it's not camp for pete's sake, that's about the lousiest excuse ever to delay going.
it's not the courts fault. nor is it the fault of sober living enterprises.
the man who also happens to be your son is a drug addict and has yet been truly impelled to seek recovery and embrace it. there have been interventions, he has HAD clean time, and yet chooses, in a sober frame of mind, to USE again. this has been his choice for over a decade now. you still view him as a boy who needs his mom. instead of a man who has been given the tools and resources and opportunities to take his own life in a different direction.
meanwhile, what is HE doing?
sleeping.
you absolutely HAVE to take your hands OFF this and give the problem and the process back to HIM. if HE wants to call rehab, great. if HE wants to do outpatient, great. if HE wants to take subs, or build a rocket and fly to the moon, GREAT. you have so owned HIS path that it's no longer his.
he's a 30 year old MAN for pete's sake. treat him as such. you may not like the choices, but they are HIS choices.
REHABS are not the problem here. he's been to how many this year alone? and over time? their intake process is not the problem. lots of OTHER addicts manage to comply just fine. the delay in the "what to bring" list is not the problem. it's not camp for pete's sake, that's about the lousiest excuse ever to delay going.
it's not the courts fault. nor is it the fault of sober living enterprises.
the man who also happens to be your son is a drug addict and has yet been truly impelled to seek recovery and embrace it. there have been interventions, he has HAD clean time, and yet chooses, in a sober frame of mind, to USE again. this has been his choice for over a decade now. you still view him as a boy who needs his mom. instead of a man who has been given the tools and resources and opportunities to take his own life in a different direction.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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You are both absolutely right.
Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
I guess the main thing is he knows I'm not willing to tolerate his continued using in my home, which I told him. Continuing to use is a choice he has, but he'll have to figure out how and where. I get to choose what i accept in my home.
.
Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
I guess the main thing is he knows I'm not willing to tolerate his continued using in my home, which I told him. Continuing to use is a choice he has, but he'll have to figure out how and where. I get to choose what i accept in my home.
.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by vaya
Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
.
.
which,imo, shows how interested he is in recovery= 0%
sure seems like an addict thats just loving another opportunity to not take responsibility for their life.
what would you be thinking or saying if this wasnt your son and happening to someone else?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
blinking hard to make sure i read that right.
is it FAIR to EXPECT him to take action towards HIS choices? absolutely. they are after all HIS choices. YOU should not be making ANY. none, zip nada.
IF this kid was say 21 and this was the very first time he asked for help (keywords there - HE ASKED FOR HELP) then it is reasonable to help them navigate the system. cuz they are rookies.
but this guy is a PRO at the system, Vaya.
and he's a PRO at playing you like a Stradivarius.
he has access to all the information and resources that you do. but did he get up at 6 this morning and start making calls and arrangements and packing his bags?
NO.
is he in the least bit worried about all this?
NO.
he has himself back at mom's, no job,no worries. he has yet to see you truly uphold your own boundaries and treat him as a fully self sufficient adult. he knows you will worry and fret over everything, and he can just sleep off his last high. and he'll probably find a way to use again in short order. that's his goal...........the easier softer way.
blinking hard to make sure i read that right.
is it FAIR to EXPECT him to take action towards HIS choices? absolutely. they are after all HIS choices. YOU should not be making ANY. none, zip nada.
IF this kid was say 21 and this was the very first time he asked for help (keywords there - HE ASKED FOR HELP) then it is reasonable to help them navigate the system. cuz they are rookies.
but this guy is a PRO at the system, Vaya.
and he's a PRO at playing you like a Stradivarius.
he has access to all the information and resources that you do. but did he get up at 6 this morning and start making calls and arrangements and packing his bags?
NO.
is he in the least bit worried about all this?
NO.
he has himself back at mom's, no job,no worries. he has yet to see you truly uphold your own boundaries and treat him as a fully self sufficient adult. he knows you will worry and fret over everything, and he can just sleep off his last high. and he'll probably find a way to use again in short order. that's his goal...........the easier softer way.
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Posts: 341
Cut me some slack.
This is new territory for me. You guys misunderstood.
I'm trying to figure out what letting go and letting him figure things out, looks like without controlling the outcome or particular path he takes.
I already told him he can choose what he feels will help him best to recover, but that using and staying here wasn't an option.
He's in my home and I do expect action from him. Whether or not he finalizes on a path of recovery I do need to see he is doing something- such as going to outpatient, AA meetings, subs, seeing his therapist, looking for work, looking for housing, etc.....even if he decides to take Yoga because that helps him it's ok. I would expect him to do some of these things even if he wasn't using.
Problem is I go to work during the day and sometimes early evening. That's why I've often directed his recovery path....so he wouldn't be here in my apartment all day.
Fact is this didn't work before, because he wound up using and I wound up having to see what he accomplished that day or bugging him about it.
That is why I usually wind up taking the reins and directing him toward inpatient.
So ....I still won't tolerate using, he has to stop right away. He may need to detox a couple or few days. Tomorrow he's going to see his subs doctor.
I expect him to have some kind of plan today, even if part of the plan is him talking to people at outpatient, mental health, etc to make appts. However, he also had last week to do that.
The dilemma is how do I let go enough to let him direct the course of his recovery, yet still know he is taking steps and actions to do something about it?
It was easier when I told him he was going to inpatient. He was willing to accept that today.
I know it's best for him to choose, but there is the what about the other part of the day when he's done looking for work, going to meetings, outpatient, etc.???
Idk...guess it depends on how badly he wants to recover and what he's willing to do about it.
This is new territory for me. You guys misunderstood.
I'm trying to figure out what letting go and letting him figure things out, looks like without controlling the outcome or particular path he takes.
I already told him he can choose what he feels will help him best to recover, but that using and staying here wasn't an option.
He's in my home and I do expect action from him. Whether or not he finalizes on a path of recovery I do need to see he is doing something- such as going to outpatient, AA meetings, subs, seeing his therapist, looking for work, looking for housing, etc.....even if he decides to take Yoga because that helps him it's ok. I would expect him to do some of these things even if he wasn't using.
Problem is I go to work during the day and sometimes early evening. That's why I've often directed his recovery path....so he wouldn't be here in my apartment all day.
Fact is this didn't work before, because he wound up using and I wound up having to see what he accomplished that day or bugging him about it.
That is why I usually wind up taking the reins and directing him toward inpatient.
So ....I still won't tolerate using, he has to stop right away. He may need to detox a couple or few days. Tomorrow he's going to see his subs doctor.
I expect him to have some kind of plan today, even if part of the plan is him talking to people at outpatient, mental health, etc to make appts. However, he also had last week to do that.
The dilemma is how do I let go enough to let him direct the course of his recovery, yet still know he is taking steps and actions to do something about it?
It was easier when I told him he was going to inpatient. He was willing to accept that today.
I know it's best for him to choose, but there is the what about the other part of the day when he's done looking for work, going to meetings, outpatient, etc.???
Idk...guess it depends on how badly he wants to recover and what he's willing to do about it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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no, it's not new territory....
one year ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-myself.html
two years ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...m-i-crazy.html
seven years ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...come-home.html
you want what you want. and that is ok, as long as you accept your role, and accept the consequences.
one year ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-myself.html
two years ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...m-i-crazy.html
seven years ago
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...come-home.html
you want what you want. and that is ok, as long as you accept your role, and accept the consequences.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
What i want is for him to go to rehab inpatient and sort it out. At least I get a break and he gets treatment, away from the many temptations there are outside of treatment.
I was prepared to do just that today, then decided to let him figure it out, while making clear what's ok not ok. I still think inpatient would be best or else it never stops. It also makes it an easier springboard for him to go into sober living or other things.
I was resolute on my decision and just wanted to see whether or not I should call rehab. Yes he should take direction on all levels, but I thought by making a decision he seemed prepared to accept, we were on a good path.
He stands a better chance of getting it together inpatient than outside of treatment, which I see now. The whole time, from the minute we were at rehab and he was ready to go in, i was resolute on him going inpatient until I called someone else. While it is best for him to decide, I was also thinking about my sanity, especially when I see where things are going.
In the past I, or the courts, decided for him and the results have not been long lasting.
Letting him take the reins is newer territory, while he's living with me.
So what do you suggest now? Kick him out if he uses, before he has a chance to figure our and start working a program. Kick him out if he doesn't go to meetings? There has to be some directive and expectation on my part, even if he is to take the reins and choose the path to his recovery.
Just trying to find the balance. Sheesh!
I was prepared to do just that today, then decided to let him figure it out, while making clear what's ok not ok. I still think inpatient would be best or else it never stops. It also makes it an easier springboard for him to go into sober living or other things.
I was resolute on my decision and just wanted to see whether or not I should call rehab. Yes he should take direction on all levels, but I thought by making a decision he seemed prepared to accept, we were on a good path.
He stands a better chance of getting it together inpatient than outside of treatment, which I see now. The whole time, from the minute we were at rehab and he was ready to go in, i was resolute on him going inpatient until I called someone else. While it is best for him to decide, I was also thinking about my sanity, especially when I see where things are going.
In the past I, or the courts, decided for him and the results have not been long lasting.
Letting him take the reins is newer territory, while he's living with me.
So what do you suggest now? Kick him out if he uses, before he has a chance to figure our and start working a program. Kick him out if he doesn't go to meetings? There has to be some directive and expectation on my part, even if he is to take the reins and choose the path to his recovery.
Just trying to find the balance. Sheesh!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
What i want is for him to go to rehab inpatient and sort it out.
what YOU want......
I was resolute on my decision
your decision into what HE should do.....
but I thought by making a decision he seemed prepared to accept, we were on a good path.
there is no WE in his life choices - his path is not your path. his decisions are not done to make things better for you. his decisions do not take you into account whatsoever.
In the past I, or the courts, decided for him and the results have not been long lasting.
and yet you are still are trying to navigate, direct and influence his decisions. you want his choices to be your choices. and thus he has no unimpinged freedom to live his life as HE sees fit.
Kick him out if he uses, before he has a chance to figure our and start working a program. Kick him out if he doesn't go to meetings? There has to be some directive and expectation on my part, even if he is to take the reins and choose the path to his recovery.
yes. he already has used. he has had the chance to figure it out and start doing anything. giving him the reins to his own life means you have NO expectations or directives. you relinquish control. it's not working, it has never worked. he does not HAVE to choose recovery. ever.
when i was 19 my mom kicked me out. i got 15 minutes to pack my sh!t and get out (her words). yes i had a car. but no $$, no job, no place to live. within a week i had a job and a place to live. why? cuz i had no choice, unless i wanted to live on the streets. that is the choice i made. at 19. with no parental backup. i wasn't full blown addict then, but i certainly didn't avoid drugs or alcohol.
it was the best thing my mom EVER did for me. EVER.
what YOU want......
I was resolute on my decision
your decision into what HE should do.....
but I thought by making a decision he seemed prepared to accept, we were on a good path.
there is no WE in his life choices - his path is not your path. his decisions are not done to make things better for you. his decisions do not take you into account whatsoever.
In the past I, or the courts, decided for him and the results have not been long lasting.
and yet you are still are trying to navigate, direct and influence his decisions. you want his choices to be your choices. and thus he has no unimpinged freedom to live his life as HE sees fit.
Kick him out if he uses, before he has a chance to figure our and start working a program. Kick him out if he doesn't go to meetings? There has to be some directive and expectation on my part, even if he is to take the reins and choose the path to his recovery.
yes. he already has used. he has had the chance to figure it out and start doing anything. giving him the reins to his own life means you have NO expectations or directives. you relinquish control. it's not working, it has never worked. he does not HAVE to choose recovery. ever.
when i was 19 my mom kicked me out. i got 15 minutes to pack my sh!t and get out (her words). yes i had a car. but no $$, no job, no place to live. within a week i had a job and a place to live. why? cuz i had no choice, unless i wanted to live on the streets. that is the choice i made. at 19. with no parental backup. i wasn't full blown addict then, but i certainly didn't avoid drugs or alcohol.
it was the best thing my mom EVER did for me. EVER.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by vaya
You are both absolutely right.
Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
I guess the main thing is he knows I'm not willing to tolerate his continued using in my home, which I told him. Continuing to use is a choice he has, but he'll have to figure out how and where. I get to choose what i accept in my home.
.
Since he is living here, is it fair to expect him to take some actions/steps toward his choices? (as opposed to his sitting around an doing nothing all day?)
I guess the main thing is he knows I'm not willing to tolerate his continued using in my home, which I told him. Continuing to use is a choice he has, but he'll have to figure out how and where. I get to choose what i accept in my home.
.
Sadly, when the addict mind is in charge there is NOTHING anyone can do for the addict UNTIL the choice is made and followed through by the addicted person.
Those outside the mindset of the active addict have NO INFLUENCE with words or 'mothering' - i suspect the lack of control The addict may feel about HIS life is made harder by the determined, over-caring, controlling behaviour of the co-dependent loved one whom is resented and alternately clung to, - totally IMO from my own mindset BTW.
Is is possible you could take steps to help yourself recover from the emotional pain and turmoil this situation has you in. A deadline, an ultimatum, I can't see a goalpost.
If you love someone, set them free.
Free yourself from this crazy train and take an express ride to freedom.
Choose life for yourself, learn how to let go.
Find peace and happiness within and know yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
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Vaya
Your son has to do all of this - has to choose the path of recovery for himself.
If I wrote all that I want (wanted) for my addict, I could easily write a book which contained many chapters.
If I wrote all that I did trying to help her & her life - the people here on SR would have me locked up in solitary confinement for being the worst enabler & co-dependent on the planet. There was basically no limit to what I did or would do for her.
In the end Vaya - even given all that I did for her - all that I did for this woman that I love deeply - I didn't help her at all. My actions most likely hurt her & served to fuel the fire of a very unhealthy relationship which had no future. That's not a pleasant notion for me to think about.
If you read (re-read) all the advice you have been given, please think it through carefully. Your decisions & actions concerning your addicted son (like my actions concerning my addict) will greatly impact both him & you.
I know this all really stinks. But these are the cards which we have been dealt. How you play out this hand will determine his & your future.
I wish you the best.
PS I am no expert in any of this. I am still in the process of trying to heal. A healing process which will take a long time. Above is just written based on my own ugly experience.
Your son has to do all of this - has to choose the path of recovery for himself.
If I wrote all that I want (wanted) for my addict, I could easily write a book which contained many chapters.
If I wrote all that I did trying to help her & her life - the people here on SR would have me locked up in solitary confinement for being the worst enabler & co-dependent on the planet. There was basically no limit to what I did or would do for her.
In the end Vaya - even given all that I did for her - all that I did for this woman that I love deeply - I didn't help her at all. My actions most likely hurt her & served to fuel the fire of a very unhealthy relationship which had no future. That's not a pleasant notion for me to think about.
If you read (re-read) all the advice you have been given, please think it through carefully. Your decisions & actions concerning your addicted son (like my actions concerning my addict) will greatly impact both him & you.
I know this all really stinks. But these are the cards which we have been dealt. How you play out this hand will determine his & your future.
I wish you the best.
PS I am no expert in any of this. I am still in the process of trying to heal. A healing process which will take a long time. Above is just written based on my own ugly experience.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Hi Vaya,
I feel your pain and hear it in your posts. Hugs to you.
My stepson is an addict and it has been a long long road.
His mom and step dad and his father and I have worked really really hard to try to get him help.
Here is what I have learned. (mostly its going to echo previous posters.) When his resources have begun to dry up...(burnt bridges) when it gets to cold to sleep outside, when he gets hungry, then the wanting to get sober talk starts. Being stepmom (he was 15 when I came in the picture over a decade ago), I have a little bit of a different view then his mom and dad. A bit of a step back, if you will. None of those times, he's accepted help, have been him wanting help. Its been placating the family to not lose the resources that enable him. Both mom and dad want so desperately to save him, to believe him, that they get snowed. Each time. This last time, after getting out of rehab, he went right back to using and ended up in a life threatening situation because of his use, which landed him in the hospital for approx. 3 months. While there, he admitted to his father that he had no intention of getting clean while in the rehab that the family had worked so so hard to get him into. It was just to get the family off his back. The time in the hospital, where he also could' ve racked up clean time... he convinced them that his pain was so bad, that he was MORE drugged half the time then on the street.
His father would like to believe it is all in the past. (currently in a methadone clinic) But My Eyes tell me its not. Recovery looks like recovery. It is work. It is a mind set. It is taking responsibility. My stepson is not yet there, regardless of jail, rehab, hospitals etc. Currently he is living with his mom (no longer allowed to live with us after multiple tries where he left worse off then when he came.) Recently his dad offered him an afternoon of work to earn some money. He choose to have mom bring him to the Cape instead. No responsibility. For anything. His parents see him still as the child he was. I see him as the adult he is (with a six year old child).
Unfortunately, in stepsons case, his addiction has brought him to the point of being non-functionable. Where it sorta sounds like your worried your son is. What is the alternative? Keep supporting him and he will not make the changes he needs to, to be functionable. In stepsons case, its much easier for him to put up with his moms angst, knowing she will bail him out, then to get on his own two feet.
I'm sorry your struggling. Your not alone. All we do, is the best we can at the time. When its your kid, its just so much more complicated. All I can say, is dealing with an addict in your home takes such a toll on you, that you lose so much of yourself, you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. However you can. Really we have no control over their path. Hugs.
I feel your pain and hear it in your posts. Hugs to you.
My stepson is an addict and it has been a long long road.
His mom and step dad and his father and I have worked really really hard to try to get him help.
Here is what I have learned. (mostly its going to echo previous posters.) When his resources have begun to dry up...(burnt bridges) when it gets to cold to sleep outside, when he gets hungry, then the wanting to get sober talk starts. Being stepmom (he was 15 when I came in the picture over a decade ago), I have a little bit of a different view then his mom and dad. A bit of a step back, if you will. None of those times, he's accepted help, have been him wanting help. Its been placating the family to not lose the resources that enable him. Both mom and dad want so desperately to save him, to believe him, that they get snowed. Each time. This last time, after getting out of rehab, he went right back to using and ended up in a life threatening situation because of his use, which landed him in the hospital for approx. 3 months. While there, he admitted to his father that he had no intention of getting clean while in the rehab that the family had worked so so hard to get him into. It was just to get the family off his back. The time in the hospital, where he also could' ve racked up clean time... he convinced them that his pain was so bad, that he was MORE drugged half the time then on the street.
His father would like to believe it is all in the past. (currently in a methadone clinic) But My Eyes tell me its not. Recovery looks like recovery. It is work. It is a mind set. It is taking responsibility. My stepson is not yet there, regardless of jail, rehab, hospitals etc. Currently he is living with his mom (no longer allowed to live with us after multiple tries where he left worse off then when he came.) Recently his dad offered him an afternoon of work to earn some money. He choose to have mom bring him to the Cape instead. No responsibility. For anything. His parents see him still as the child he was. I see him as the adult he is (with a six year old child).
Unfortunately, in stepsons case, his addiction has brought him to the point of being non-functionable. Where it sorta sounds like your worried your son is. What is the alternative? Keep supporting him and he will not make the changes he needs to, to be functionable. In stepsons case, its much easier for him to put up with his moms angst, knowing she will bail him out, then to get on his own two feet.
I'm sorry your struggling. Your not alone. All we do, is the best we can at the time. When its your kid, its just so much more complicated. All I can say, is dealing with an addict in your home takes such a toll on you, that you lose so much of yourself, you need to make sure you are taking care of yourself. However you can. Really we have no control over their path. Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Vaya,
My heart hurts for you. I am going to dig deeper with you. I think that you know that he has to want this, and want it for himself, and that he's not quite there. As I said before, he just stays on the line enough to keep you from kicking him out. I think you know all the things everyone has said is correct, that this should be HIS responsibility for HIS recovery. However, you are scared. I completely get it.
You are scared of ultimately drawing the line yourself, because you are scared he will not take care of things and what that will look like in his life. I don't say this to hurt you, but to look at the reality.
Maybe the solution is both for him and yourself. To draw some boundaries you are mentally able to stick to in a realistic way. To say, yes, I will help you with this, but you will be present, you will set the appointments, etc. You will not be home sleeping while I am working on this, we will do it TOGETHER, this one last time, and next time you are 100% on your own. Make a list of what you trust to give to him, and what you don't. What you feel you have to do yourself versus what you can do together.
However, as you well know, addicts are like naughty school children. So...say what you mean, and mean what you say. That's why I am saying to be realistic.
You seem to be a planner. I get that, I am too. However, not everyone else is that way, so accepting that and just working through the process a step at a time is going to be a lot less frustrating than looking at the big huge picture. Just accomplish what YOU need to accomplish today, one thing at a time.
Again, I want to say that my heart is with you. I cannot imagine the fears that must go through your head and how scary and overwhelming that is. Keep moving forward from one momma to another!
Huge Hugs.
My heart hurts for you. I am going to dig deeper with you. I think that you know that he has to want this, and want it for himself, and that he's not quite there. As I said before, he just stays on the line enough to keep you from kicking him out. I think you know all the things everyone has said is correct, that this should be HIS responsibility for HIS recovery. However, you are scared. I completely get it.
You are scared of ultimately drawing the line yourself, because you are scared he will not take care of things and what that will look like in his life. I don't say this to hurt you, but to look at the reality.
Maybe the solution is both for him and yourself. To draw some boundaries you are mentally able to stick to in a realistic way. To say, yes, I will help you with this, but you will be present, you will set the appointments, etc. You will not be home sleeping while I am working on this, we will do it TOGETHER, this one last time, and next time you are 100% on your own. Make a list of what you trust to give to him, and what you don't. What you feel you have to do yourself versus what you can do together.
However, as you well know, addicts are like naughty school children. So...say what you mean, and mean what you say. That's why I am saying to be realistic.
You seem to be a planner. I get that, I am too. However, not everyone else is that way, so accepting that and just working through the process a step at a time is going to be a lot less frustrating than looking at the big huge picture. Just accomplish what YOU need to accomplish today, one thing at a time.
Again, I want to say that my heart is with you. I cannot imagine the fears that must go through your head and how scary and overwhelming that is. Keep moving forward from one momma to another!
Huge Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest Vaya, All I can say is that when you are DONE you will be DONE. It doesn't mean you wouldn't assist your son but you wont be the one working his recovery! If he isn't taking any type of action at all to find his way out, then maybe a change of scenery for him (not in your home) will allow him to see his reality of life. Us Momma's need to realize that our enabling behavior traps the addict in the same circle of codependency. Believe me, your story is exactly what I was doing to minimize MY stress levels and try to get my son to choose recovery. It never lasted and now at 27 years old, 4 long years of relapse/recovery is no longer my problem. I have chosen to not allow my son to live with me. He can choose to find a program that helps him (and there are MANY out there with a very little cost and some are even free) and while he is SOBER I will meet him, he can visit us, we go out for lunch or dinner, etc. When he is using, I go little contact. I don't want to keep doing what I had been doing for so long because it is not conducive to either my peace or his recovery. I hope that your son does leave your home. And I hope you allow him to choose his path once that happens with NO safety net to return to the old ways.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you all for you ESH. My AS is not doing nothing. He is meeting with his subs dr. he is starting with a new therapist. He has gone to 2 meetings.
We spoke and he decided inpatient is better for him at this time. He is planning to go in this week.
Turns out when we were at the rehab the first time, all he really wanted was to wait a day or so and celebrate his birthday before he went in. Then it got back off track. Now he's getting it back on track with a goal to go into inpatient by Friday.
He wants to finish a rehab and feels badly about the last placement. it was a super strict program and he did very well until the other client started in on him and took a swing at him. He didn't use.
I was really struggling after listening to so many people. I had planned to let him decide and when I saw he was or is waffling simply talk with him about what he needs to do.
He does have a deadline. He knows he can't just wait endlessly to figure it out. If he's going in to inpatient then he needs to follow through on that this week.
He would already be in rehab, but I thought having it come from him was better.
Yes, I am on alert about him doing just enough to stay here, which is why he needs to get the plan in motion this week and prepare for rehab, which is what he decided.
I am not prepared to wait this out indefinitely. He knows that.
The plan was if he used he would have to go inpatient or leave. Then I started getting feedback about that from everyone so he would own it, work it, etc. , which is appropriate. however, my peace is on the line which is why I was willing to call the shots and make it happen. Since he agreed to go into rehab, how could that hurt? He'd get help and I'd get peace and space.
Now it is his idea too. next step is making that happen.
I do understand and appreciate everyone's point, but it was in the process of his going into rehab.
Yes, it's best if he decides and wants it. He says he does. He is getting sick of the life and the wasted years. We'll see how he embraces the process now and what he does about it. I was just going to call and let the rehab know. Now he'll have to call tonight and leave a message so it is in motion.
Maybe he's not 100% committed, who knows. But taking some steps and especially if he's not using, is that really that bad?
We spoke and he decided inpatient is better for him at this time. He is planning to go in this week.
Turns out when we were at the rehab the first time, all he really wanted was to wait a day or so and celebrate his birthday before he went in. Then it got back off track. Now he's getting it back on track with a goal to go into inpatient by Friday.
He wants to finish a rehab and feels badly about the last placement. it was a super strict program and he did very well until the other client started in on him and took a swing at him. He didn't use.
I was really struggling after listening to so many people. I had planned to let him decide and when I saw he was or is waffling simply talk with him about what he needs to do.
He does have a deadline. He knows he can't just wait endlessly to figure it out. If he's going in to inpatient then he needs to follow through on that this week.
He would already be in rehab, but I thought having it come from him was better.
Yes, I am on alert about him doing just enough to stay here, which is why he needs to get the plan in motion this week and prepare for rehab, which is what he decided.
I am not prepared to wait this out indefinitely. He knows that.
The plan was if he used he would have to go inpatient or leave. Then I started getting feedback about that from everyone so he would own it, work it, etc. , which is appropriate. however, my peace is on the line which is why I was willing to call the shots and make it happen. Since he agreed to go into rehab, how could that hurt? He'd get help and I'd get peace and space.
Now it is his idea too. next step is making that happen.
I do understand and appreciate everyone's point, but it was in the process of his going into rehab.
Yes, it's best if he decides and wants it. He says he does. He is getting sick of the life and the wasted years. We'll see how he embraces the process now and what he does about it. I was just going to call and let the rehab know. Now he'll have to call tonight and leave a message so it is in motion.
Maybe he's not 100% committed, who knows. But taking some steps and especially if he's not using, is that really that bad?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest Vaya, Your last sentence is what I am replying to. "Is it really that bad?". Recovery looks like Recovery. Everything else is us whitewashing the reality. Please stay with the boundaries. And DON"T feel guilty if he doesn't do what he is saying he should do. Just wish him the best and let him go about living his life not under your roof. You have done enough dear heart.
What worked for me is to stop having expect
ations. It's super hard and breaks my heart, but when I stop having expectations, than my URGE to fix it to meet my standards is also gone. I am cautiously optimistic but happy for today as my son is in recovery, but if he chooses to leave, then he knows I'm not the answer.
What worked for me is to stop having expect
ations. It's super hard and breaks my heart, but when I stop having expectations, than my URGE to fix it to meet my standards is also gone. I am cautiously optimistic but happy for today as my son is in recovery, but if he chooses to leave, then he knows I'm not the answer.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I do think it's good that he is doing some of the work. Is it enough? Only the two of you can decide that. I can only say we are here, supporting you.
It sounds like both of you are getting fed up with this life, and eventually, one way or another, something will change. Good, bad, who knows. What you do know, today, is that he is making some progress this week, and that is a good thing. Obviously the more effort he has into his own recovery the better. You know that, and I would bet he knows that as well.
Keep posting friend, even when it's hard to hear what others have to say. You are not alone and we are here with you.
It sounds like both of you are getting fed up with this life, and eventually, one way or another, something will change. Good, bad, who knows. What you do know, today, is that he is making some progress this week, and that is a good thing. Obviously the more effort he has into his own recovery the better. You know that, and I would bet he knows that as well.
Keep posting friend, even when it's hard to hear what others have to say. You are not alone and we are here with you.
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