Promising to Stop is a Bad Idea -- Lance Dodes M.D.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Promising to Stop is a Bad Idea -- Lance Dodes M.D.
I found this today and wondered what people think of it. I feel this explains why my (X)AH kept promising to stop and then not stopping. I wish I had known everything I know now, because if I had known these things, AH might be in rehab and we might still be together... or maybe not, who knows?
I got this from Psychology Today.
Promising to Stop Addictive Behavior Is a Very Bad Idea
Don't add trouble on top of trouble.
BY: Lance Dodes M.D.
It's common for people suffering with an addiction to tell others, or even themselves, "I promise I'll stop (my addictive behavior)" or, "I commit to stopping." This isn't surprising, since having an addiction generally means feeling out of control and leads people to the idea that they should finally take a stand to regain control of their lives. Those around them are also often desperate to hear precisely this commitment from them. And people with addictions commonly feel guilt for causing distress to family and friends and want to reassure them, even when they aren't actually clear whether they can keep that commitment. In fact, folks suffering with addictions may know perfectly well that they aren't telling the truth when they promise to stop, but feel it's best to avoid a useless fight. Besides, they may hope that, even though they'll continue the behavior, they can keep it a secret.
But in almost every case, making a promise to stop is a recipe for harm. With any action driven by a powerful psychological need, such as every compulsion or addiction, promises and commitments to stop nearly always fail. Then, very bad things happen. Those who made the promise feel worse about themselves. Their loved ones feel worse about them, seeing them as untrustworthy, or even unloving ("If he loved me, he would keep his promise"). Everybody becomes angry with the person who "broke his word," and even more tragic, everybody becomes more discouraged. This can lead to more impossible-to-keep promises, or to precipitous and poorly-thought-through changes in treatment plans, such as suddenly pulling people out of otherwise good outpatient therapy, or sending them away to expensive and nearly always useless rehabilitation treatments ("He can't be trusted so he needs to be locked up").
The reason promises fail is simple. They are based on the idea that addiction is a question of willpower. Saying that one commits himself to not performing an addictive act is the same as saying he will use all his willpower to not do it. But, as anyone suffering with addiction, or anyone familiar with this blog or any of my books knows, the drive behind addiction is entirely independent of willpower. Indeed, it is just the opposite. Addictive behavior is driven by psychological factors that are completely separate from conscious willpower. These factors can certainly be understood and managed, but as with all other emotional symptoms, the behavior is not generally manageable by simply deciding not to do it, no matter how hard you try.
Sadly, there are some therapists (and many rehab centers) who fall into the trap of urging their patients to commit to stopping their addictive behavior. Sometimes, they even urge that people make a commitment to them, the therapists! Not only does this reflect a failure to understand the nature of addiction, and not only does this lead to all the problems I mentioned above, but when the commitment fails, the treatment is in trouble. Having been based on a false premise that promising the therapist could stop the behavior, the treatment is now groundless. The right way to treat people in psychotherapy is to help them to see exactly what predictable emotional issues lead them to feel overwhelmingly helpless, which lead directly to their addictive urges (my second book, Breaking Addiction, is devoted to describing just how this works).
If you suffer with an addiction, then, the first step is to think through whether you really intend to stop, or not. If you don't intend to stop, then you won't until you revise that view. But if you decide it's your intention to stop, you will be in a good position to deal with any future slips, since you won't be confused by rationalizations about why you slipped. You won't be confused by the rationalization that "this time was different" because you already declared your intent to stop altogether, no matter what.
Deciding that you intend to stop is very helpful, but that is very different from making a promise to stop, to yourself or others. Being clear that it is your intention to stop is essentially just making a plan for yourself. It's a very good plan. But making it does not guarantee success, and failing to perfectly carry it out is neither shameful nor a reason to give up. That's why the plan should never be a promise. It is critical that both the person with addiction and those around him or her understand this.
If you have an addiction, then, get into a good therapy to find out why, and therefore when, you will have addictive urges. You can then truly reassure your loved ones— that you are going to work at the therapy as well as you can. Remind them that "slips"— brief resumptions of addictive behavior—are the norm and not a cause for panic or discouragement.
If you are the loved one of someone with an addiction, help that person to get into a genuine psychotherapy to understand what precipitates his behavior, and don't pressure him or her to promise anything about his addictive behavior. I realize this advice isn't easy to follow when you are worried and would like nothing better than to be reassured. But if you can keep from expecting this, both you and your loved one will be spared a lot of unnecessary pain.
I got this from Psychology Today.
Promising to Stop Addictive Behavior Is a Very Bad Idea
Don't add trouble on top of trouble.
BY: Lance Dodes M.D.
It's common for people suffering with an addiction to tell others, or even themselves, "I promise I'll stop (my addictive behavior)" or, "I commit to stopping." This isn't surprising, since having an addiction generally means feeling out of control and leads people to the idea that they should finally take a stand to regain control of their lives. Those around them are also often desperate to hear precisely this commitment from them. And people with addictions commonly feel guilt for causing distress to family and friends and want to reassure them, even when they aren't actually clear whether they can keep that commitment. In fact, folks suffering with addictions may know perfectly well that they aren't telling the truth when they promise to stop, but feel it's best to avoid a useless fight. Besides, they may hope that, even though they'll continue the behavior, they can keep it a secret.
But in almost every case, making a promise to stop is a recipe for harm. With any action driven by a powerful psychological need, such as every compulsion or addiction, promises and commitments to stop nearly always fail. Then, very bad things happen. Those who made the promise feel worse about themselves. Their loved ones feel worse about them, seeing them as untrustworthy, or even unloving ("If he loved me, he would keep his promise"). Everybody becomes angry with the person who "broke his word," and even more tragic, everybody becomes more discouraged. This can lead to more impossible-to-keep promises, or to precipitous and poorly-thought-through changes in treatment plans, such as suddenly pulling people out of otherwise good outpatient therapy, or sending them away to expensive and nearly always useless rehabilitation treatments ("He can't be trusted so he needs to be locked up").
The reason promises fail is simple. They are based on the idea that addiction is a question of willpower. Saying that one commits himself to not performing an addictive act is the same as saying he will use all his willpower to not do it. But, as anyone suffering with addiction, or anyone familiar with this blog or any of my books knows, the drive behind addiction is entirely independent of willpower. Indeed, it is just the opposite. Addictive behavior is driven by psychological factors that are completely separate from conscious willpower. These factors can certainly be understood and managed, but as with all other emotional symptoms, the behavior is not generally manageable by simply deciding not to do it, no matter how hard you try.
Sadly, there are some therapists (and many rehab centers) who fall into the trap of urging their patients to commit to stopping their addictive behavior. Sometimes, they even urge that people make a commitment to them, the therapists! Not only does this reflect a failure to understand the nature of addiction, and not only does this lead to all the problems I mentioned above, but when the commitment fails, the treatment is in trouble. Having been based on a false premise that promising the therapist could stop the behavior, the treatment is now groundless. The right way to treat people in psychotherapy is to help them to see exactly what predictable emotional issues lead them to feel overwhelmingly helpless, which lead directly to their addictive urges (my second book, Breaking Addiction, is devoted to describing just how this works).
If you suffer with an addiction, then, the first step is to think through whether you really intend to stop, or not. If you don't intend to stop, then you won't until you revise that view. But if you decide it's your intention to stop, you will be in a good position to deal with any future slips, since you won't be confused by rationalizations about why you slipped. You won't be confused by the rationalization that "this time was different" because you already declared your intent to stop altogether, no matter what.
Deciding that you intend to stop is very helpful, but that is very different from making a promise to stop, to yourself or others. Being clear that it is your intention to stop is essentially just making a plan for yourself. It's a very good plan. But making it does not guarantee success, and failing to perfectly carry it out is neither shameful nor a reason to give up. That's why the plan should never be a promise. It is critical that both the person with addiction and those around him or her understand this.
If you have an addiction, then, get into a good therapy to find out why, and therefore when, you will have addictive urges. You can then truly reassure your loved ones— that you are going to work at the therapy as well as you can. Remind them that "slips"— brief resumptions of addictive behavior—are the norm and not a cause for panic or discouragement.
If you are the loved one of someone with an addiction, help that person to get into a genuine psychotherapy to understand what precipitates his behavior, and don't pressure him or her to promise anything about his addictive behavior. I realize this advice isn't easy to follow when you are worried and would like nothing better than to be reassured. But if you can keep from expecting this, both you and your loved one will be spared a lot of unnecessary pain.
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Dodes has a campaign against 12 step recovery and AA in particular. no one is really sure why, nor is there any evidence that he himself ever spent time IN a meeting or studying the literature. his "philosophy" is based on an anti-AA agenda. just saying.........he also likes to refer to his own books often.
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I get what you are saying Anvilhead, I can't see any reason to badmouth something that works for a lot of people.
What he says here though does make a lot of sense to me though, especially if it is the piece that allows people to come back after slips, rather than hiding away.
What he says here though does make a lot of sense to me though, especially if it is the piece that allows people to come back after slips, rather than hiding away.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I agree that an addict should not make a promise they don't intend to keep.
As for friends and family of addicts?
We need to establish boundaries. Many times we do this by asking the addict to promise not to use, or else. Maybe we are wrong to go about it this way. We could just simply say, "This is my boundary. If you cross it, then I am done."
But oftentimes we need some assurance. We want to feel safe letting them into our homes again, or around our children. So we ask for their word and tell them what will happen if they break it.
I don't think I agree that we're wrong to ask this. They are wrong if they make a promise they don't intend to keep.
But I've about had my fill of addicts and their behavior. So I should probably just shut up and stay out of it.
As for friends and family of addicts?
We need to establish boundaries. Many times we do this by asking the addict to promise not to use, or else. Maybe we are wrong to go about it this way. We could just simply say, "This is my boundary. If you cross it, then I am done."
But oftentimes we need some assurance. We want to feel safe letting them into our homes again, or around our children. So we ask for their word and tell them what will happen if they break it.
I don't think I agree that we're wrong to ask this. They are wrong if they make a promise they don't intend to keep.
But I've about had my fill of addicts and their behavior. So I should probably just shut up and stay out of it.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Are there alternatives to the 12 steps? If so, what are they? I'm not against the 12 steps, I just did not know that there are alternatives. Are people against AA only because it's not secular? Or...?
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
Dodes has a campaign against 12 step recovery and AA in particular. no one is really sure why, nor is there any evidence that he himself ever spent time IN a meeting or studying the literature. his "philosophy" is based on an anti-AA agenda. just saying.........he also likes to refer to his own books often.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I read a lot of articles in PT, but most of them I take with a grain of salt. I've read some stuff that seems to really be spot on and other stuff that makes me wonder what planet the author was from. Keep what works and jettison the rest, just like anything else.
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there are a LOT of recovery methods to be had. if you look to the right of this post, there is a column Find a Facility and three sections down is the Recovery Program section. I suppose this doesn't work if you are on a phone.......
i don't mind anyone discussing methods, what sets my teeth on edge tho is when a "method" is spawned as an ANTI-anything - and usually that is anti-AA or the 12 steps. Even SMART recovery specifically states it DIFFERS from AA, 12 steps, etc.
i don't mind anyone discussing methods, what sets my teeth on edge tho is when a "method" is spawned as an ANTI-anything - and usually that is anti-AA or the 12 steps. Even SMART recovery specifically states it DIFFERS from AA, 12 steps, etc.
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