My husband is an addict (Need Advice)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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My husband is an addict (Need Advice)
My husband is a crack user. He is also into pot and an occasional drinker (Used to be a heavy drinker).
I found out about his crack use just after my 2 children and I moved in with him in 2009. We discussed (argued) about his use and he swore to never use again. I ignorantly believed him. Or maybe it wasn't so much ignorance as a strong 'want' to believe him because as far as I know he did stop for a while (2 years).
In 2011 I was about 4 months pregnant when I found out he was using again. I have never been as disappointed in anyone as I was in that moment. Things pretty much escalated from there. There were good times. And a lot of bad times. Times when I had a strong urge to up and leave. Times when I wanted to fight for him; for the man I fell in love with. Then there were times when I felt like I couldn't do it any more and it was tearing me apart inside.
One particular time I almost left was in 2013. It was one of those moments where I blinded myself to his use because I felt I couldn't continue to acknowledge it and the lies that came along with it and continue to love and respect this man.
In the middle of the night my husband had entered my daughter's room (She was 13 at the time) naked and sat on the edge of her bed. She said nothing more happened but I can't help but wonder if she hadn't started screaming would it of? I convinced myself it was his alcohol use and not crack use that caused him to do this. He has since been no longer allowed to drink in the house when she is home.
His crack and pot use has continued over the years. We now have 2 daughters together. I've ignored his use the best I could as long as it did not affect me or my 4 children. How stupid was I?
3 weeks ago it happened again. Only this time he was caught naked walking around our first floor by my 19 year old son in the middle of the night. I had had enough and gave him an ultimatum; his girls and me or his drugs. Not the best approach, I know. I was angry and hurt; again.
The last 3 weeks he has been clean, as far as I know, of crack. But he refuses to give up his pot. 3 weeks really isn't nothing because he gave it up for 3 months last year due to health complications.
My concern is can he really give it up for good? Does anybody have that much will power to give something like that up with NO help? Just cold turkey, so to speak? Or am I fighting a losing battle? Is it bound to happen again? And if so, How do you help someone who doesn't seem to want or think they need help?
The respect. The trust. They are gone. I feel disgusted by all his lies and what he did by exposing himself to my children. But I still love him. I'm not so sure I can put aside the 2 acts mentioned. The recent is still too new and the bickering back and forth hasn't exactly given me time to work through it. But, I also don't know if I'm ready to give up and turn my 2 younger girls world upside down .
If you have stayed this long I thank you tremendously. I don't have anyone else to discuss this with.
I found out about his crack use just after my 2 children and I moved in with him in 2009. We discussed (argued) about his use and he swore to never use again. I ignorantly believed him. Or maybe it wasn't so much ignorance as a strong 'want' to believe him because as far as I know he did stop for a while (2 years).
In 2011 I was about 4 months pregnant when I found out he was using again. I have never been as disappointed in anyone as I was in that moment. Things pretty much escalated from there. There were good times. And a lot of bad times. Times when I had a strong urge to up and leave. Times when I wanted to fight for him; for the man I fell in love with. Then there were times when I felt like I couldn't do it any more and it was tearing me apart inside.
One particular time I almost left was in 2013. It was one of those moments where I blinded myself to his use because I felt I couldn't continue to acknowledge it and the lies that came along with it and continue to love and respect this man.
In the middle of the night my husband had entered my daughter's room (She was 13 at the time) naked and sat on the edge of her bed. She said nothing more happened but I can't help but wonder if she hadn't started screaming would it of? I convinced myself it was his alcohol use and not crack use that caused him to do this. He has since been no longer allowed to drink in the house when she is home.
His crack and pot use has continued over the years. We now have 2 daughters together. I've ignored his use the best I could as long as it did not affect me or my 4 children. How stupid was I?
3 weeks ago it happened again. Only this time he was caught naked walking around our first floor by my 19 year old son in the middle of the night. I had had enough and gave him an ultimatum; his girls and me or his drugs. Not the best approach, I know. I was angry and hurt; again.
The last 3 weeks he has been clean, as far as I know, of crack. But he refuses to give up his pot. 3 weeks really isn't nothing because he gave it up for 3 months last year due to health complications.
My concern is can he really give it up for good? Does anybody have that much will power to give something like that up with NO help? Just cold turkey, so to speak? Or am I fighting a losing battle? Is it bound to happen again? And if so, How do you help someone who doesn't seem to want or think they need help?
The respect. The trust. They are gone. I feel disgusted by all his lies and what he did by exposing himself to my children. But I still love him. I'm not so sure I can put aside the 2 acts mentioned. The recent is still too new and the bickering back and forth hasn't exactly given me time to work through it. But, I also don't know if I'm ready to give up and turn my 2 younger girls world upside down .
If you have stayed this long I thank you tremendously. I don't have anyone else to discuss this with.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Lost, I am sorry for your pain but glad you found us.
I think you already know the only safe solution here is to take your daughters some place safe away from him before it gets worse (and I pray it hasn't already reached "worse"). You can observe from a safe distance to see if his actions show a long time commitment to change, I am sorry that it us not likely.
No child should ever be left alone with this man. Please believe that.
It's no longer about you and him, that all ended when he made inappropriate advances to the children. They need you to protect them.
Please don't think me judgemental, I promise I am not and my heart goes out to you. It's just time and experience that compels me to speak honestly to you.
Please stick around and find the support and caring people who understand your pain and will help you make good healthy decisions.
I think you already know the only safe solution here is to take your daughters some place safe away from him before it gets worse (and I pray it hasn't already reached "worse"). You can observe from a safe distance to see if his actions show a long time commitment to change, I am sorry that it us not likely.
No child should ever be left alone with this man. Please believe that.
It's no longer about you and him, that all ended when he made inappropriate advances to the children. They need you to protect them.
Please don't think me judgemental, I promise I am not and my heart goes out to you. It's just time and experience that compels me to speak honestly to you.
Please stick around and find the support and caring people who understand your pain and will help you make good healthy decisions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
get him out. no more chances. never should have been any. you have allowed the unconscionable to become your normal. and your children have been at risk and continue to be at risk.
would you allow ANYONE else who was a confirmed CRACK addict into your home, overnite where your children sleep? would you find excuse after excuse? no.
HE is no different. he has to go. i'm a former crackhead, and this guy is nowhere in the same universe as being ready to STOP for good.
not one more day. i strongly suspect there has been possible molestation that your children may be afraid to mention to you, since you continue to allow him to be around. thus showing that you are choosing HIM and his nonsense over them. i am sorry to be harsh, but i do hope you make changes NOW. for their sake........
would you allow ANYONE else who was a confirmed CRACK addict into your home, overnite where your children sleep? would you find excuse after excuse? no.
HE is no different. he has to go. i'm a former crackhead, and this guy is nowhere in the same universe as being ready to STOP for good.
not one more day. i strongly suspect there has been possible molestation that your children may be afraid to mention to you, since you continue to allow him to be around. thus showing that you are choosing HIM and his nonsense over them. i am sorry to be harsh, but i do hope you make changes NOW. for their sake........
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The respect. The trust. They are gone. I feel disgusted by all his lies and what he did by exposing himself to my children. But I still love him. I'm not so sure I can put aside the 2 acts mentioned. The recent is still too new and the bickering back and forth hasn't exactly given me time to work through it. But, I also don't know if I'm ready to give up and turn my 2 younger girls world upside down .
Why would you want to hold onto someone who lies to you, disrespects you, isn't willing to seek professional help for addiction and possibly has sexual issue, and there are children in the home who could be harmed?
I would strongly suggest you seek some counseling to help you work through what ever issue it is that would make you want to stay in that environment with your children?
Very strong reactions here when children are involved and even stronger reactions when possible sexual abuse may be involved or hovering right around that corner.
We are here to help you and offer you support, it may not be the kind of support you were hoping for but it's wise and healthy support. I do hope you stick around.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 5
You misunderstand me. I should have been clearer.
He is already out. I made him leave after the incident 3 weeks ago. But, he is staying with his stepfather while his mother is in rehabilitation. She only has 5 weeks left and I need to find a place to go before then cause he will be coming back.
That is mostly what the bickering has been about. My making him leave and unwillingness to stay. I want him to go get help. He doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he can give it up on his own.
He is, I guess what you would call, a functioning addict. His use is mostly at night when everyone is sleeping. He has managed to hold down a job until last year when other health problems left him disabled.
I was indecisive about wanting to continue fighting for him from a distance. But, after I posted this the more I thought about it all day and I don't want to save my marriage. Why the hell would I want to fight for someone who isn't willing to fight for themselves. Someone who continually lied to me about everything. Even the stupid little things that had nothing to do with his use.
But it's not just me I wanted to fight for either. It was our daughters. I don't want them growing up with an addict for a father. They adore him. But they also have no clue what is going on. My one is only 10 months old. No matter what decision I make she won't grow up to remember it. The other is 5. She is the one who is going to take it the hardest.
What I meant by turning my girls world upside down is if there is a chance he can fight this on his own and become clean, I would be willing to move near by. Try to keep some kind of relationship with him so that my daughters have both their parents in their lives (cautiously, of course until he was clean and has proven he can remain clean). Without making too dramatic of a move as cutting off all ties. It's not much but it might help a little in the transition period if they were allowed to at least see their father through supervised visitations.
But if there is no chance of his becoming clean on his own then I know I need to do what is best for my girls and cut off all ties as much as I can so they don't get hurt. I don't want them growing up with constant disappointments from there fathers lies and broken promises. That is where their world would be turned upside down.
As for the abuse, I honestly don't feel anything like that happened. It's very well possible he was lying, I know that, but he claimed at the time with my teenager to not even knowing where he was. Yes, the what if has crossed my mind. But I think it is more due to the fear of knowing the possibility is there.
The issue with my son wasn't him purposefully exposing himself. My sons room is on the first floor and he opened the door and walked out while my husband was walking around downstairs. Not that that makes it any better. It still never should have happened. I am by no means trying to make excuses for him.
Either way I have gotten my answer from others who have been through it and I now know he can't do it on his own. If he is unwilling to get the help he needs then I am unwilling to fight for him. Even for my girls sake of having a father. I need to just take them away from here and move on.
He is already out. I made him leave after the incident 3 weeks ago. But, he is staying with his stepfather while his mother is in rehabilitation. She only has 5 weeks left and I need to find a place to go before then cause he will be coming back.
That is mostly what the bickering has been about. My making him leave and unwillingness to stay. I want him to go get help. He doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he can give it up on his own.
He is, I guess what you would call, a functioning addict. His use is mostly at night when everyone is sleeping. He has managed to hold down a job until last year when other health problems left him disabled.
I was indecisive about wanting to continue fighting for him from a distance. But, after I posted this the more I thought about it all day and I don't want to save my marriage. Why the hell would I want to fight for someone who isn't willing to fight for themselves. Someone who continually lied to me about everything. Even the stupid little things that had nothing to do with his use.
But it's not just me I wanted to fight for either. It was our daughters. I don't want them growing up with an addict for a father. They adore him. But they also have no clue what is going on. My one is only 10 months old. No matter what decision I make she won't grow up to remember it. The other is 5. She is the one who is going to take it the hardest.
What I meant by turning my girls world upside down is if there is a chance he can fight this on his own and become clean, I would be willing to move near by. Try to keep some kind of relationship with him so that my daughters have both their parents in their lives (cautiously, of course until he was clean and has proven he can remain clean). Without making too dramatic of a move as cutting off all ties. It's not much but it might help a little in the transition period if they were allowed to at least see their father through supervised visitations.
But if there is no chance of his becoming clean on his own then I know I need to do what is best for my girls and cut off all ties as much as I can so they don't get hurt. I don't want them growing up with constant disappointments from there fathers lies and broken promises. That is where their world would be turned upside down.
As for the abuse, I honestly don't feel anything like that happened. It's very well possible he was lying, I know that, but he claimed at the time with my teenager to not even knowing where he was. Yes, the what if has crossed my mind. But I think it is more due to the fear of knowing the possibility is there.
The issue with my son wasn't him purposefully exposing himself. My sons room is on the first floor and he opened the door and walked out while my husband was walking around downstairs. Not that that makes it any better. It still never should have happened. I am by no means trying to make excuses for him.
Either way I have gotten my answer from others who have been through it and I now know he can't do it on his own. If he is unwilling to get the help he needs then I am unwilling to fight for him. Even for my girls sake of having a father. I need to just take them away from here and move on.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
years of my own experience, reading here, and going to AA and NA meetings has shown me that people fighting to get clean and sober on their own are using the same thinking that got them high and drunk.
that doesnt turn out too good.
whether getting help or not, i wouldnt trust ANY addict or alcoholic for at least a year.
glad youre deciding to put the most important people 1st- you and your kids
that doesnt turn out too good.
whether getting help or not, i wouldnt trust ANY addict or alcoholic for at least a year.
glad youre deciding to put the most important people 1st- you and your kids
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Wouldn’t he already be clean if it were possible that he could do that all on his own?
Addiction is life long, not a quick fix, not a trip to rehab or attending some meetings it is a lifelong every single day commitment to remain clean/sober and the willingness and drive to do what ever it takes to remain that way. He’s nowhere near even wanting that and if he did jump into recovery today, tomorrow, next week or even next month it would be a very long time before any kind of trust, and family rebuilding could possibly happen.
How did/do your teenagers feel about those incidents that happened in your home? How do they feel about his drinking and drug use?
Addiction is life long, not a quick fix, not a trip to rehab or attending some meetings it is a lifelong every single day commitment to remain clean/sober and the willingness and drive to do what ever it takes to remain that way. He’s nowhere near even wanting that and if he did jump into recovery today, tomorrow, next week or even next month it would be a very long time before any kind of trust, and family rebuilding could possibly happen.
How did/do your teenagers feel about those incidents that happened in your home? How do they feel about his drinking and drug use?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Lost, your recent post sounds like you're thinking much more rationally. I hope you are speaking from the heart, and not just saying what you think we want to hear. I say this because I am guilty of doing so- years ago I was so ashamed to have admitted I was thinking of giving my ex a second chance. All of the responses made me feel like such a terrible person, so I said I was sticking to my guns and going through with my divorce/ custody battle. Or other times I would just fall off the face of SR for a while. The fact was, I knew these people were right, I just wasn't ready to make that leap. Again, not saying this is what you're going through, just putting my situation out there in case it rings any bells. Because the advice you've been given has been good. It doesn't matter if nothing else happened. What happened was enough. He is very damaged and it does not sound like he wants help at all.
Also, your story sounds very similar to one I heard recently. A stepfather was caught sticking his phone under the door to film his stepdaughter in the shower. She told her mom, and the mom took her and left. Then the stepdad's mother fell ill and the mom went into codie mode. Moved back in to "comfort" him. CPS came a-knocking and took the girl away.
For all you know, CPS may already be involved in your case. If they are, you will have to prove that you've taken steps to protect your children. You moved out? Good. They will want to know that you did so completely. If there is evidence that you allowed him to be alone with them again since that episode, that's not going to look good.
This is very, very serious. Be careful.
Blessings
Also, your story sounds very similar to one I heard recently. A stepfather was caught sticking his phone under the door to film his stepdaughter in the shower. She told her mom, and the mom took her and left. Then the stepdad's mother fell ill and the mom went into codie mode. Moved back in to "comfort" him. CPS came a-knocking and took the girl away.
For all you know, CPS may already be involved in your case. If they are, you will have to prove that you've taken steps to protect your children. You moved out? Good. They will want to know that you did so completely. If there is evidence that you allowed him to be alone with them again since that episode, that's not going to look good.
This is very, very serious. Be careful.
Blessings
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but thankful that you've taken the step to post.
I'll keep my remarks brief. As there are two children who will potentially impacted, your first priority is to make sure they are protected by any means necessary. Crack is bad news, and there is no evidence that your AH has any intention to seek a life of recovery. Based on that, do what you need to do to protect your girls and yourself.
You may not like doing what you have to do. It's not going to feel good. Quite the opposite; it's going to suck. But this is one of those situations where you don't have a choice.
Please keep us posted going forward.
I'll keep my remarks brief. As there are two children who will potentially impacted, your first priority is to make sure they are protected by any means necessary. Crack is bad news, and there is no evidence that your AH has any intention to seek a life of recovery. Based on that, do what you need to do to protect your girls and yourself.
You may not like doing what you have to do. It's not going to feel good. Quite the opposite; it's going to suck. But this is one of those situations where you don't have a choice.
Please keep us posted going forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by atalose 
Wouldn’t he already be clean if it were possible that he could do that all on his own?
My son doesn't seem to phased by it. We've talked about it and he claims that it doesn't bother him. That he was more scared of him doing something to him because he told me what happened.
It bothered my daughter for a long time. We spent a lot of time talking about it. She seems better about it now and seems to understand why I had originally stayed.
As I said he is no longer allowed to drink in the house anymore. Which has helped to cut down his alcohol use. Neither are happy about his pot use. They do not know about his crack use. As far as I know, Nobody knew. Not even his 2 adult daughters from his first marriage.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
Lost, your recent post sounds like you're thinking much more rationally. I hope you are speaking from the heart, and not just saying what you think we want to hear. I say this because I am guilty of doing so- years ago I was so ashamed to have admitted I was thinking of giving my ex a second chance. All of the responses made me feel like such a terrible person, so I said I was sticking to my guns and going through with my divorce/ custody battle. Or other times I would just fall off the face of SR for a while. The fact was, I knew these people were right, I just wasn't ready to make that leap. Again, not saying this is what you're going through, just putting my situation out there in case it rings any bells. Because the advice you've been given has been good. It doesn't matter if nothing else happened. What happened was enough. He is very damaged and it does not sound like he wants help at all.
Also, your story sounds very similar to one I heard recently. A stepfather was caught sticking his phone under the door to film his stepdaughter in the shower. She told her mom, and the mom took her and left. Then the stepdad's mother fell ill and the mom went into codie mode. Moved back in to "comfort" him. CPS came a-knocking and took the girl away.
For all you know, CPS may already be involved in your case. If they are, you will have to prove that you've taken steps to protect your children. You moved out? Good. They will want to know that you did so completely. If there is evidence that you allowed him to be alone with them again since that episode, that's not going to look good.
This is very, very serious. Be careful.
Blessings
Also, your story sounds very similar to one I heard recently. A stepfather was caught sticking his phone under the door to film his stepdaughter in the shower. She told her mom, and the mom took her and left. Then the stepdad's mother fell ill and the mom went into codie mode. Moved back in to "comfort" him. CPS came a-knocking and took the girl away.
For all you know, CPS may already be involved in your case. If they are, you will have to prove that you've taken steps to protect your children. You moved out? Good. They will want to know that you did so completely. If there is evidence that you allowed him to be alone with them again since that episode, that's not going to look good.
This is very, very serious. Be careful.
Blessings
Am I ashamed? Most definitely. Which is why I have never talked about it until now. I am in no rush though to file for divorce. I stayed married to my abusive first husband for 2 years before we filed. It didn't affect my descision to leave then. Right now I need to focus on rebuilding my life first.
Custody is a different matter. I'm unsure what to do there. This is part of what terrifies me. Once I open that door and notify the courts of what he has been doing I'm afraid EVERYONE we know will find out. I still haven't decided if that could be a good thing or not. All goes back to being ashamed and worried about turning the few family members he has left against him. He's been pushing everyone away. His siblings, his oldest daughter, his nephew.
Codie mode I think is a lot of what has kept me here. I mean follow the time line: The first time. Inexcusable. I just really wanted to believe he could give it up as easy as he said. I had no reason to believe otherwise. I trusted him and have never been through a situation like this. Then I didn't find out again until I was pregnant. If I hadn't of been pregnant I would of left that day and never looked back. I was scared. Scared of raising another child on my own after 1 failed marriage already. Then it was months before I would find out he was still doing it. 3 to 5 months at a time. I always made excuses. 2013 started the worst of it. But I still couldn't bring myself to leave even though it was tearing me up and making me bitter. He lost his brother, I lost my father, We had another child together. It never seemed like the right time to go. Or that was what I kept telling myself.
I know there is a chance CPS has already been notified. My son told his girlfriend. The cops have already been to my house, the next night, but for some reason they showed up in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping and haven't been back so I'm not even sure if they were here for what happened.
As for leaving I haven't left yet. As I said I made him leave for now. But he can't stay there. He will be back and I need to be gone before he does. I am currently trying to find work. I haven't worked since 2010 when we got married. I left to go back to school and fully planned on going back after I got my GED. He didn't want me to. I used to wonder what the issue was with me going back since I was working when he met me. Now I think I am understanding. I'm wondering if it is because of this exact situation right here. He wanted me to be stuck because he knew I wouldn't put up with it forever. He wanted me fully relying on him financially because you can't rent a place on your own if you have no money to support yourself or your children. I guess I just have to prove him how wrong he really is if that is what he was thinking.
And he has NEVER been allowed to be alone with my children. Not even the 2 we have together. If I had to do something that didn't allow for me to bring them with me they stayed with my mother. The fact that I didn't trust him enough to be with his own children should of been a BIG red flag right there. I guess that is all part of being in denial.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Once I open that door and notify the courts of what he has been doing I'm afraid EVERYONE we know will find out. I still haven't decided if that could be a good thing or not. All goes back to being ashamed and worried about turning the few family members he has left against him. He's been pushing everyone away. His siblings, his oldest daughter, his nephew.
well too bad for him then. HE's the one smoking crack. drinking. smoking pot. those are HIS choices and therefore HIS consequences.
your focus must become laser sharp now. you and the kids. that's it. abandon the idea that he is going to clean up and change miraculously into someone else. it doesn't work that way. he has shown you for years who he is. believe that.
you should be very concerned now that CPS is involved. and take every step to demonstrate that you ARE putting the children's safety first. your older children may SAY all this stuff doesn't bother them, but trust me, this insanity has left it's mark.
well too bad for him then. HE's the one smoking crack. drinking. smoking pot. those are HIS choices and therefore HIS consequences.
your focus must become laser sharp now. you and the kids. that's it. abandon the idea that he is going to clean up and change miraculously into someone else. it doesn't work that way. he has shown you for years who he is. believe that.
you should be very concerned now that CPS is involved. and take every step to demonstrate that you ARE putting the children's safety first. your older children may SAY all this stuff doesn't bother them, but trust me, this insanity has left it's mark.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
well too bad for him then. HE's the one smoking crack. drinking. smoking pot. those are HIS choices and therefore HIS consequences.
your focus must become laser sharp now. you and the kids. that's it. abandon the idea that he is going to clean up and change miraculously into someone else. it doesn't work that way. he has shown you for years who he is. believe that.
you should be very concerned now that CPS is involved. and take every step to demonstrate that you ARE putting the children's safety first. your older children may SAY all this stuff doesn't bother them, but trust me, this insanity has left it's mark.
It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make and it shouldn't be. It should be the easiest one and I don't know why it isn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's the THINKING ABOUT the decision that is troubling you. the actual ACT is quite straightforward.
not long ago there was a video about FEAR mentioned here....by Will Smith actually. talking about skydiving. ah, here you go.....i hope this helps just a bit?? think about the message.........
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsTBCQ2MnRM
not long ago there was a video about FEAR mentioned here....by Will Smith actually. talking about skydiving. ah, here you go.....i hope this helps just a bit?? think about the message.........
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsTBCQ2MnRM
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