How to cope with having a family of drug addicts
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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How to cope with having a family of drug addicts
Hi all, I'm new to this and not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of it other than a place to vent to those who understand what it's like. I apologize in advance for how long this post is, I just have a lot I need to say.
I am 21, the youngest of 7 kids, and 3 of my older siblings are heroin addicts. I usually manage it really well since its been a huge thing in my life for about 10 years, but things lately seem worse than they've ever been. Just for a little background of where I am at now I'll give you a rundown of one my siblings:
One of my brothers, we'll call him P, who had been sober for almost 2 years, relapsed (again) last summer and has been getting worse and worse every day. He is addicted to heroin, cocaine, and alcohol. I go to college about 800 miles away from home so I wasn't able to see the signs and catch him before he went so off the deep end and when my mom would accuse him I would snap at her because she always thinks the worst and because i didn't want to believe it. During the two years he was sober he was my friend and someone I trusted and went to for advice like I should always be able to with my brother. But now I haven't talked to him in months and the last time I talked to him I told him I couldn't be friends with him and that because he was my brother I couldn't hate him but I just can't have a relationship with him unless he gets clean. I miss him and I worry all the time and I don't know what to do. Last week he overdosed on the front porch of my house and my mom found him and my dad had to do CPR right there for the whole neighborhood to see and my brother STILL won't admit that he has a problem. I want to reach out to tell him I love him and that I hope he knows that if he wants help I'll do whatever I can but I don't know if I'm ready to open myself back up to him yet.
I sometimes lie awake thinking that it would be easier if he did just overdose and die because then there wouldn't be the constant worry and heartache and fear of not knowing when you're going to get the inevitable call that he's dead. I know that losing him would be painful and unbearable, but I feel like my brother is already gone. It makes me feel sick, and selfish and guilty to think this way but I can't seem to stop it.
I don't know if Im looking for advice or more someone to just respond and tell me that they get it and they can relate to how I'm feeling.
I am 21, the youngest of 7 kids, and 3 of my older siblings are heroin addicts. I usually manage it really well since its been a huge thing in my life for about 10 years, but things lately seem worse than they've ever been. Just for a little background of where I am at now I'll give you a rundown of one my siblings:
One of my brothers, we'll call him P, who had been sober for almost 2 years, relapsed (again) last summer and has been getting worse and worse every day. He is addicted to heroin, cocaine, and alcohol. I go to college about 800 miles away from home so I wasn't able to see the signs and catch him before he went so off the deep end and when my mom would accuse him I would snap at her because she always thinks the worst and because i didn't want to believe it. During the two years he was sober he was my friend and someone I trusted and went to for advice like I should always be able to with my brother. But now I haven't talked to him in months and the last time I talked to him I told him I couldn't be friends with him and that because he was my brother I couldn't hate him but I just can't have a relationship with him unless he gets clean. I miss him and I worry all the time and I don't know what to do. Last week he overdosed on the front porch of my house and my mom found him and my dad had to do CPR right there for the whole neighborhood to see and my brother STILL won't admit that he has a problem. I want to reach out to tell him I love him and that I hope he knows that if he wants help I'll do whatever I can but I don't know if I'm ready to open myself back up to him yet.
I sometimes lie awake thinking that it would be easier if he did just overdose and die because then there wouldn't be the constant worry and heartache and fear of not knowing when you're going to get the inevitable call that he's dead. I know that losing him would be painful and unbearable, but I feel like my brother is already gone. It makes me feel sick, and selfish and guilty to think this way but I can't seem to stop it.
I don't know if Im looking for advice or more someone to just respond and tell me that they get it and they can relate to how I'm feeling.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Posts: 42
An answer to a cry for help and understanding
Hallo youngersibling7,
Reading your post your pain and desperation is so palpable I just wish this wasn't cyberspace so that the first thing I could do is simply give you a hug, one human being to another. But I can't so maybe my words will help you a little: I pray that they do.
You love your brother and your other two siblings that are caught up in the nightmare that is drug addiction, that much is obvious, as is your sense of helplessness and frustration in the face of watching your loved ones being ravaged by this insatiable and cruel disease.
Because that is exactly what it is: your brother and your other two siblings are caught in the maw of something much larger than them: an insidious illness that has the power to convince them it isn't there even while the fact of their affliction becomes ever more glaringly obvious to all around them, strangers and family alike.
The special cruelty of this disease of addiction is that whether it stays invisible to the afflicted, or it is finally acknowledged in the face of overwhelming pain rather than evidence, the sufferer as well as those helplessly observing are deluded into thinking that it is somehow the failing of the individual's willpower that causes him or her to fail to help themselves.
This not only causes people to make horrible and unhelpful judgements about the ill person, but also misleads the said person into believing those judgements him- or her-self. This causes them to feel ever more a failure, ever more pain at what they correctly perceive as the hurt they are inflicting on those trying to help them, and so despite their best intentions the pain which led them to use in the first place gets ever larger and ever harder to stop continuing to medicate with their chosen drug.
My friend, it is sad to read that your despair is leading you to think of wishing for your brother to O.D. simply to have an end to the pain you yourself are feeling. It is almost certain that your brother has thought the same and had the same wish himself. Thank God he did not succeed in his subconscious attempt at suicide that you described so vividly in your depiction of the drama surrounding his overdose. If he had you would have lost the REAL brother that you remember and truly love, the clean and genuine human being that is your sibling FOREVER, with no hope of return.
Because while there is life there is hope, and as many of us here at Sober Recovery know, there IS a light at the end of the very dark tunnel, and it ISN'T that of an oncoming train! Rather, it is the light of an awakening that leads to health and happiness, and most importantly for you in this discussion, to the return of the person you knew and lost.
But this can only happen when your brother is ready, and all you and your family can do is be there for him as far as encouraging him when he does the right thing. I suggest fervently that you encourage him to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings, for it is through the 12 steps that I and many others found their way out of the addiction trap.
Meanwhile you need to give yourself a break because your suffering is so great, as is so palpable in your post. Why not try Nar-Anon, an organisation for friends and relatives of those who are afflicted with the disease of drug addiction? There you can get the help and support you need to survive and even thrive regardless of your brother's and other sibling's illness. Because the stronger you are the better you can support them when they are ready to leave the nightmare in which they are currently trapped. Try googleing them to find a meeting that suits you.
I truly hope that my post might help you if only a little, and I'll keep you in my prayers tonight and in the future.
Reading your post your pain and desperation is so palpable I just wish this wasn't cyberspace so that the first thing I could do is simply give you a hug, one human being to another. But I can't so maybe my words will help you a little: I pray that they do.
You love your brother and your other two siblings that are caught up in the nightmare that is drug addiction, that much is obvious, as is your sense of helplessness and frustration in the face of watching your loved ones being ravaged by this insatiable and cruel disease.
Because that is exactly what it is: your brother and your other two siblings are caught in the maw of something much larger than them: an insidious illness that has the power to convince them it isn't there even while the fact of their affliction becomes ever more glaringly obvious to all around them, strangers and family alike.
The special cruelty of this disease of addiction is that whether it stays invisible to the afflicted, or it is finally acknowledged in the face of overwhelming pain rather than evidence, the sufferer as well as those helplessly observing are deluded into thinking that it is somehow the failing of the individual's willpower that causes him or her to fail to help themselves.
This not only causes people to make horrible and unhelpful judgements about the ill person, but also misleads the said person into believing those judgements him- or her-self. This causes them to feel ever more a failure, ever more pain at what they correctly perceive as the hurt they are inflicting on those trying to help them, and so despite their best intentions the pain which led them to use in the first place gets ever larger and ever harder to stop continuing to medicate with their chosen drug.
My friend, it is sad to read that your despair is leading you to think of wishing for your brother to O.D. simply to have an end to the pain you yourself are feeling. It is almost certain that your brother has thought the same and had the same wish himself. Thank God he did not succeed in his subconscious attempt at suicide that you described so vividly in your depiction of the drama surrounding his overdose. If he had you would have lost the REAL brother that you remember and truly love, the clean and genuine human being that is your sibling FOREVER, with no hope of return.
Because while there is life there is hope, and as many of us here at Sober Recovery know, there IS a light at the end of the very dark tunnel, and it ISN'T that of an oncoming train! Rather, it is the light of an awakening that leads to health and happiness, and most importantly for you in this discussion, to the return of the person you knew and lost.
But this can only happen when your brother is ready, and all you and your family can do is be there for him as far as encouraging him when he does the right thing. I suggest fervently that you encourage him to attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings, for it is through the 12 steps that I and many others found their way out of the addiction trap.
Meanwhile you need to give yourself a break because your suffering is so great, as is so palpable in your post. Why not try Nar-Anon, an organisation for friends and relatives of those who are afflicted with the disease of drug addiction? There you can get the help and support you need to survive and even thrive regardless of your brother's and other sibling's illness. Because the stronger you are the better you can support them when they are ready to leave the nightmare in which they are currently trapped. Try googleing them to find a meeting that suits you.
I truly hope that my post might help you if only a little, and I'll keep you in my prayers tonight and in the future.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
youngersibling...
I wanted to drop by and send you a quick message. Hopefully I'll get a chance to send a longer one later.
I've had that feeling too about my sister. I know she has so much pain inside her, but I'm so tired of the lies and the deception that the hurtful things she does to others and primarily herself. It's like watching suicide in slow motion.
A friend of mine had warned me that she was lost. For YEARS and I didn't want to listen to him. But it all came to an ugly head a couple years ago. The anger I feel at myself and at her is still shocking. But I've had that feeling too, the feeling that my sister has long gone and has been replaced by somebody else. It makes it all the more painful when bits of her show through. But then she does something hurtful and I don't want to even acknowledge the good in her because it hurts so much.
More later. But hugs.
I wanted to drop by and send you a quick message. Hopefully I'll get a chance to send a longer one later.
I sometimes lie awake thinking that it would be easier if he did just overdose and die because then there wouldn't be the constant worry and heartache and fear of not knowing when you're going to get the inevitable call that he's dead. I know that losing him would be painful and unbearable, but I feel like my brother is already gone. It makes me feel sick, and selfish and guilty to think this way but I can't seem to stop it.
A friend of mine had warned me that she was lost. For YEARS and I didn't want to listen to him. But it all came to an ugly head a couple years ago. The anger I feel at myself and at her is still shocking. But I've had that feeling too, the feeling that my sister has long gone and has been replaced by somebody else. It makes it all the more painful when bits of her show through. But then she does something hurtful and I don't want to even acknowledge the good in her because it hurts so much.
More later. But hugs.
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