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A bit of self reflection. ...

Old 07-16-2017, 05:48 PM
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A bit of self reflection. ...

Im finding myself wresting with the idea of child support enforcement.
On one thought process I see her needing to have some kind of responsibility to the kids.
On another, is that forcing her to do something she isn't ready to do? How does that fall into the "not trying to force an addict or anyone to do something" category.

Another metal lock is she ask for her things. Not only her clothes and such but furniture.
I keep thinking "what about all the stuff you took from us? Coin collection, tools, electronics, gun and money. When do that come up? Yet, I haven't asked any of that of her.
I keep thinking, if this was role reversed I can't imaging asking for anything if I were recovering from addiction. For me I couldn't imagine just dealing with what had been done to myself and my loved ones.

I keep reflecting on whether I have done and what I am doing is the rite course. I don't know.
If I'm honest with myself, part of me hoped she would reach out and set up her supervised visitation. I had hope that she would prove sobriety for her kids.

All I really have rite now. Is my gut saying "your doing ok. " still emotionally confused and still working forward.

Take care yall
TD
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Old 07-16-2017, 06:42 PM
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well, child support isn't something we TRAIN for.....it is a legal obligation determined by the courts. so what does the divorce decree say?

same with household items - what does the decree say?

see where i'm going with this? you two are now separated individuals - that she IS the children's mother is a bit beside the point - that isn't something that she needs pointed out to her. she is demonstrating clearly that motherhood is not of much interest to her.

you have put your children FIRST. never ever doubt you did the right thing. they should name a day after you.
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Old 07-18-2017, 10:28 AM
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In my opinion, pushing for child support is pushing to insure they get what they deserve from her in the very very very VERY LEAST. That is even IF she pays it, most addicts don't work steady jobs and pay their support consistently and it all just goes into arrears. I always felt like a jerk regarding child support because I'm not the kind of person to ask for help, let alone take money from someone (even if they offer it). But it's not for us other parents, it is to insure that those kids get AT LEAST SOME KIND OF HELP from that parent. It is in the child's best interest ALWAYS if their family has help with the bills, school supplies, clothes, hygiene products, etc. If she does start working and just decides she needs all her money and the kids have you so they're fine- this would be your insurance that THEY get THEIR money. She had them, she decided to leave them, she can help pay their way. They deserve to be able to AT LEAST take some crumbs from her income when she has one to help them with little things THEY need. Get what I'm sayin'?
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Old 07-18-2017, 12:58 PM
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I agree with looking at your agreements and if she is falling short of her end...either go after the child support and what is rightly yours, or let the child support go for now (can't get blood from a rock) and hang on to all your stuff, she already got her share.

You are doing a good job, you take good care of yourself and your kids. She shouldn't be allowed to disrupt your lives and at some point should be help accountable for her neglect.

Big hugs because I know this is hard.
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Old 07-18-2017, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by TiredDad View Post
On another, is that forcing her to do something she isn't ready to do? .
TD
HUH!?!?!?!


your child breaks their leg.
gonna wait til her mother is ready to get your daughter to the hospital?

TD, thats just straight up jacked up thinkin.

my sons mother wants child support from me.
should she wait until im ready?

" I see her needing to have some kind of responsibility to the kids."
reverse that:
your children need to have some kind of responsibility from their mother.
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Old 07-18-2017, 07:07 PM
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Im finding myself wresting with the idea of child support enforcement.
On one thought process I see her needing to have some kind of responsibility to the kids.
On another, is that forcing her to do something she isn't ready to do? How does that fall into the "not trying to force an addict or anyone to do something" category.

I guess my thoughts on this are, isn’t addiction all about escaping reality, not wanting to deal with life on life’s terms. Shaking accountability and responsibility? If a court has set an order for child support she is obligated to abide by that order or suffer the natural consequences of her lack of responsibility. She is violating a court order and if you allow that it’s just enabling her to continue without consequences for her choices and actions. Throwing a pillow under her [email protected]@ once again so she has a soft landing. You are not forcing her to do anything, you are following the law set forth by a judge in court. This really is between her and the court your children sadly are the innocents sitting on the sidelines.

As for her clothes, pack them up and send them to her mothers. As for the furniture, what was decided in the divorce? And if the divorce is not finalized yet you have to negotiate that with the least amount of disruption to the child.

Like she can’t have the only TV or the only couch or the only kitchen table. But if there is her great grandmothers china then give it to her.
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Old 07-18-2017, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
well, child support isn't something we TRAIN for.....it is a legal obligation determined by the courts. so what does the divorce decree say?

same with household items - what does the decree say?

see where i'm going with this? you two are now separated individuals - that she IS the children's mother is a bit beside the point - that isn't something that she needs pointed out to her. she is demonstrating clearly that motherhood is not of much interest to her.

you have put your children FIRST. never ever doubt you did the right thing. they should name a day after you.
Well Anvil
The decree is pretty clear really. What was in our possession was what we got and bills in our names stayed with the named bill to.

I didn't request child support. It's an automatic here.
I did follow up with setting up with the state agency that keeps up with it and distributes it shortly after the divorce.
They made a point to tell me if I don't believe she will pay it I may want to skip that step and file with enforcement. This is the step I have been wrestling with.

I don't really feel I need the money. Really I provide for the kids better than ever without an active addict around.
Wow! Imagine that.
Good gravy! Sometimes I'm amazed at how well and at the same time. Where the hell was my head!!
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by solicitude View Post
In my opinion, pushing for child support is pushing to insure they get what they deserve from her in the very very very VERY LEAST. That is even IF she pays it, most addicts don't work steady jobs and pay their support consistently and it all just goes into arrears. I always felt like a jerk regarding child support because I'm not the kind of person to ask for help, let alone take money from someone (even if they offer it). But it's not for us other parents, it is to insure that those kids get AT LEAST SOME KIND OF HELP from that parent. It is in the child's best interest ALWAYS if their family has help with the bills, school supplies, clothes, hygiene products, etc. If she does start working and just decides she needs all her money and the kids have you so they're fine- this would be your insurance that THEY get THEIR money. She had them, she decided to leave them, she can help pay their way. They deserve to be able to AT LEAST take some crumbs from her income when she has one to help them with little things THEY need. Get what I'm sayin'?
I do agree they deserve it. Ithe would be great to put that back for them for a rainy day or what ever needs they have.

I have no delusion of her getting a real job or one that could be verified. The way I understand it here. If I file for the enforcement then the state will issue a warrant once the magic number is reached.

That may be what it comes too.
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
HUH!?!?!?!


your child breaks their leg.
gonna wait til her mother is ready to get your daughter to the hospital?

TD, thats just straight up jacked up thinkin.

my sons mother wants child support from me.
should she wait until im ready?

" I see her needing to have some kind of responsibility to the kids."
reverse that:
your children need to have some kind of responsibility from their mother.

Dang it Tomsteve! If I was a healthy thinker I wouldn't have the pleasure of finding this fine forum.

You have very valid points. I feel the kids deserve some kind of responsibility from her.
It frustrates the fire outta me that a sense of responsibility to your children would be something to force.
Hell, the basics aren't even met at this point like visits. She won't set up her supervised visits. I assume because of that tricky urine test that's court ordered before every visit.
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Old 07-18-2017, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I guess my thoughts on this are, isnít addiction all about escaping reality, not wanting to deal with life on lifeís terms. Shaking accountability and responsibility? If a court has set an order for child support she is obligated to abide by that order or suffer the natural consequences of her lack of responsibility. She is violating a court order and if you allow that itís just enabling her to continue without consequences for her choices and actions. Throwing a pillow under her [email protected]@ once again so she has a soft landing. You are not forcing her to do anything, you are following the law set forth by a judge in court. This really is between her and the court your children sadly are the innocents sitting on the sidelines.

As for her clothes, pack them up and send them to her mothers. As for the furniture, what was decided in the divorce? And if the divorce is not finalized yet you have to negotiate that with the least amount of disruption to the child.

Like she canít have the only TV or the only couch or the only kitchen table. But if there is her great grandmothers china then give it to her.
Aahhh Atalose!

"She is violating a court order and if you allow that itís just enabling her to continue without consequences for her choices and actions. Throwing a pillow under her [email protected]@ once again so she has a soft landing."

Ouch!! I needed that one I'm pretty sure. Yep, that was a nail driver.
That's the number one thing I have been working dang hard to over come.
Being an enabler! I was a first rate one too!

The divorce decree I replied earlier to Anvil about. It's clear, cut and dry. What we had at the time of divorce is what we got basically
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Old 07-19-2017, 05:54 AM
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Tired Dad,
You have been given the gift of no longer having to make these difficult decisions. Take it. Let the court ruling stand and let go.
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Old 07-19-2017, 09:26 AM
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TD, don't let her off the hook for anything. And I mean nothing. Addiction or not, she's the mother of your children, and if she needs a concrete reminder of that, let the chips fall where they may. No, you may not actually get what you've a right to, but to forfeit that right in order to make things easier for your ex, or in the hopes of getting some kind of leverage to compel her to start acting like a mom to your kids isn't the way to go, IMHO. She needs to held accountable. Anything less is enabling her escapism.
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Old 09-03-2017, 09:30 AM
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Update

I found myself getting pulled back in a bit. I was happy she finally made the move to set up the supervised visits after almost 60 days.
I found it strange that she was texting me pics of her screens and I still don't fully understand.
She began reaching out saying she wanted to meet. She wanted to have lunch and talk. Started saying she still has feelings for me and so forth. All while living with another guy she claims to others she so in love with.
I told her it was not rite to talk about that kind of thing with her being with some one.

I finally got my head back rite. I got off a bit in my feelings for her.
I took some deep looking in myself to tell myself no. She isn't working a program. She's doing the bare min.
Many have told me at least a year of visable recovery work.
All this has shown me is she's still very unstable.
Really it shows me my own stability needs a lot more work.
Take care folks!
TD
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