New here. Partner of 9 years had secret meth addiction.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
New here. Partner of 9 years had secret meth addiction.
Hi,
First, thank you for all that you guys do. I have been searching for help and the content offered here really opened my eyes. I appreciate it.
Second, my fiancé is an addict. I suppose ex fiancé, now. I just need to get this off my chest. It will be long and, I'm sure to those who have read these same stories so many times, boring.
For years there were issues with drugs, on and off. On some level I knew the whole 'You can't change someone' thing, but he was so convincing, and the substances seemed so benign.
From weed, to xanax, to acid, at some point or another he'd secretly ramp up his use, until the dependency began to interfere with his life. I would notice and ask him to cut it out. We'd have pretty rational conversations about it, how he was using them as a crutch, how he should do more to better his sober life so he'd be happier and healthier and wouldn't have to rely on substances. He'd cry, agree with me, everything would go back to normal. We'd usually have about 6 months to a year of what seemed like the most perfect, loving relationship until the next phase hit.
This time it was different. We got engaged early in the year. We were so happy. Then I started noticing that he seemed really stressed.
He was picking fights a lot more (prior to this fights were maybe once a year if that). They were always over something really stupid. I would never really care too much about the content so I'd often disengage and that seemed to escalate things. He'd follow me around our apartment, he couldn't let things just drop. After a while the fights escalated. This beautiful human who I used to describe as the sweetest, kindest person I'd ever met, started calling me names, putting me down, mocking me for crying. He'd scream in my face.
Even when we weren't arguing he no longer had interest in me. He didn't like to hold my hand anymore. He'd brush me off or sit rigidly if I tried to cuddle him. He never went to bed with me, unless I asked, and even then he'd come in for five minutes then leave. I read an internet post about fun free things couples do at home and I cried for hours because, while we used to do that stuff all the time, now he wouldn't even watch a movie with me.
We would always talk about it. I'd tell him I was sad because I felt like he didn't like me anymore. He'd attribute it to the stress of his job and apologize and seem so sad and promise things would get better.
Of course I wanted to believe it because I've spent my entire adult life with this person. He'd been my best friend since I was 18. I loved him and I was planning a wedding and I was so confused.
I noticed other signs. One day he had scabs on his face. He said he was itchy. I noticed he'd be staying up all night and not sleeping. He said he'd always had a problem with sleep and he was working on it. Other nights he'd come home from work, walk to the couch and pass out until the next day. One day he took off his shirt and he'd gone from slightly overweight to straight up skinny. He said it was stress. I started getting notices that our bills weren't paid, he was the more fiscally responsible one so he'd been in charge. I just felt sorry for him, thinking he must be struggling with his personal loans.
I knew SOMETHING was wrong and in hindsight it feels obvious but when you don't know to even consider it, it doesn't add up.
Long story short he most likely ran out of money. The withdrawal started and he was so, so sad and I had no idea why. I tried to talk to him about it, but failing that I just lied with him and tried to make him feel better. I spoke about our great future and our new home and our wedding and how fun our honeymoon would be.
The next day he told me he was withdrawing from dexamphetamines. But he NEEDED them because he has trouble concentrating. He wanted me to help him get a prescription. That was a load of bull so I obviously declined. Big fight ensued, thought it may escalate to aggression. I left.
The next night I had to call the ambulance as he became suicidal. Hospital was awful. Like an ad for why not to do meth. It was there I overhead it was actually meth he'd been taking, alternating with xanax, for 6 months. Everything began to make sense. I went nuclear and told his family, his friends, removed any drugs from the home. He was furious.
The next day the psychologist sat me down and explained he had a polysubstance abuse problem. She told me there were options available to help him, if he wanted it. But he did not want it. Throughout his conversations with her and the drug counselor it became apparent the only negative effect of the drugs, in his mind, was upsetting me. And as the counselor pointed out - If he does it for me, and not for him, we'd be right back there in no time at all. Just doesn't work.
Still, I held out hope that once the withdrawal symptoms subsided he'd realize how harmful his drug taking had been. I thought you know, if this isn't rock bottom, what is? Surely after jeopardizing his job and his relationship and spending time in hospital and scaring everyone who cared about him, surely he'd see?
No, of course not. Silly me. Not three days after being discharged he started using again. I called it off. I know if he's still pro meth after that experience he won't change for a long, long time. He's too off it to care. He thinks he's a genius that's maximizing life. Anything negative is all my fault (yeah right).
I'm switching between numbness and anger and grief. He has been my number one person, my support, my partner in crime, for almost a decade. Everything we wanted, everything we planned for is destroyed. I just feel like screaming WHY a million times over. I want to cry forever. I want to go home and make all of it go away. I miss him. The him that I used to know. I miss him so so much.
If you've made it this far, thank you. If you have any advice to help with staying strong, and moving on, and still maybe helping from afar, please let me know. I'm booked for therapy on Tuesday and it can't come fast enough.
First, thank you for all that you guys do. I have been searching for help and the content offered here really opened my eyes. I appreciate it.
Second, my fiancé is an addict. I suppose ex fiancé, now. I just need to get this off my chest. It will be long and, I'm sure to those who have read these same stories so many times, boring.
For years there were issues with drugs, on and off. On some level I knew the whole 'You can't change someone' thing, but he was so convincing, and the substances seemed so benign.
From weed, to xanax, to acid, at some point or another he'd secretly ramp up his use, until the dependency began to interfere with his life. I would notice and ask him to cut it out. We'd have pretty rational conversations about it, how he was using them as a crutch, how he should do more to better his sober life so he'd be happier and healthier and wouldn't have to rely on substances. He'd cry, agree with me, everything would go back to normal. We'd usually have about 6 months to a year of what seemed like the most perfect, loving relationship until the next phase hit.
This time it was different. We got engaged early in the year. We were so happy. Then I started noticing that he seemed really stressed.
He was picking fights a lot more (prior to this fights were maybe once a year if that). They were always over something really stupid. I would never really care too much about the content so I'd often disengage and that seemed to escalate things. He'd follow me around our apartment, he couldn't let things just drop. After a while the fights escalated. This beautiful human who I used to describe as the sweetest, kindest person I'd ever met, started calling me names, putting me down, mocking me for crying. He'd scream in my face.
Even when we weren't arguing he no longer had interest in me. He didn't like to hold my hand anymore. He'd brush me off or sit rigidly if I tried to cuddle him. He never went to bed with me, unless I asked, and even then he'd come in for five minutes then leave. I read an internet post about fun free things couples do at home and I cried for hours because, while we used to do that stuff all the time, now he wouldn't even watch a movie with me.
We would always talk about it. I'd tell him I was sad because I felt like he didn't like me anymore. He'd attribute it to the stress of his job and apologize and seem so sad and promise things would get better.
Of course I wanted to believe it because I've spent my entire adult life with this person. He'd been my best friend since I was 18. I loved him and I was planning a wedding and I was so confused.
I noticed other signs. One day he had scabs on his face. He said he was itchy. I noticed he'd be staying up all night and not sleeping. He said he'd always had a problem with sleep and he was working on it. Other nights he'd come home from work, walk to the couch and pass out until the next day. One day he took off his shirt and he'd gone from slightly overweight to straight up skinny. He said it was stress. I started getting notices that our bills weren't paid, he was the more fiscally responsible one so he'd been in charge. I just felt sorry for him, thinking he must be struggling with his personal loans.
I knew SOMETHING was wrong and in hindsight it feels obvious but when you don't know to even consider it, it doesn't add up.
Long story short he most likely ran out of money. The withdrawal started and he was so, so sad and I had no idea why. I tried to talk to him about it, but failing that I just lied with him and tried to make him feel better. I spoke about our great future and our new home and our wedding and how fun our honeymoon would be.
The next day he told me he was withdrawing from dexamphetamines. But he NEEDED them because he has trouble concentrating. He wanted me to help him get a prescription. That was a load of bull so I obviously declined. Big fight ensued, thought it may escalate to aggression. I left.
The next night I had to call the ambulance as he became suicidal. Hospital was awful. Like an ad for why not to do meth. It was there I overhead it was actually meth he'd been taking, alternating with xanax, for 6 months. Everything began to make sense. I went nuclear and told his family, his friends, removed any drugs from the home. He was furious.
The next day the psychologist sat me down and explained he had a polysubstance abuse problem. She told me there were options available to help him, if he wanted it. But he did not want it. Throughout his conversations with her and the drug counselor it became apparent the only negative effect of the drugs, in his mind, was upsetting me. And as the counselor pointed out - If he does it for me, and not for him, we'd be right back there in no time at all. Just doesn't work.
Still, I held out hope that once the withdrawal symptoms subsided he'd realize how harmful his drug taking had been. I thought you know, if this isn't rock bottom, what is? Surely after jeopardizing his job and his relationship and spending time in hospital and scaring everyone who cared about him, surely he'd see?
No, of course not. Silly me. Not three days after being discharged he started using again. I called it off. I know if he's still pro meth after that experience he won't change for a long, long time. He's too off it to care. He thinks he's a genius that's maximizing life. Anything negative is all my fault (yeah right).
I'm switching between numbness and anger and grief. He has been my number one person, my support, my partner in crime, for almost a decade. Everything we wanted, everything we planned for is destroyed. I just feel like screaming WHY a million times over. I want to cry forever. I want to go home and make all of it go away. I miss him. The him that I used to know. I miss him so so much.
If you've made it this far, thank you. If you have any advice to help with staying strong, and moving on, and still maybe helping from afar, please let me know. I'm booked for therapy on Tuesday and it can't come fast enough.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
If you have any advice to help with staying strong, and moving on, and still maybe helping from afar,
welcome. your story is heart breaking, but so familiar to so many of us here. you are not alone!
i understand your desire to "help from afar" but there really isn't anything you CAN do. in all your years together, he continued to spiral further and further OUT of control. if your presence and influence was the magic balm, you wouldn't be here. but drug addiction is not something we can fix or love away.
focus on staying strong and staying safe. therapy is an excellent response to all you have endured.
welcome. your story is heart breaking, but so familiar to so many of us here. you are not alone!
i understand your desire to "help from afar" but there really isn't anything you CAN do. in all your years together, he continued to spiral further and further OUT of control. if your presence and influence was the magic balm, you wouldn't be here. but drug addiction is not something we can fix or love away.
focus on staying strong and staying safe. therapy is an excellent response to all you have endured.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 63
In my opinion you are an extremely strong person for recognizing the issues and doing what you have to and taking care of you.
As far as advice
What you are already doing,, I found reading and posting here has helped a lot, if for no other reason then to know I am not alone and I can get though this.
25+ years here and "I guess it hurts until it doesn't" I'm not sure I would be human if I didn't feel these emotions. At this moment I choose not to feed them. I choose to be at peace in this moment. The feelings are there but at this moment I choose to refocus.
My Heart goes out to you. It does hurt... but now time to create a new life! A beautiful life you love. It is slow but I am working on this.
As far as advice
What you are already doing,, I found reading and posting here has helped a lot, if for no other reason then to know I am not alone and I can get though this.
25+ years here and "I guess it hurts until it doesn't" I'm not sure I would be human if I didn't feel these emotions. At this moment I choose not to feed them. I choose to be at peace in this moment. The feelings are there but at this moment I choose to refocus.
My Heart goes out to you. It does hurt... but now time to create a new life! A beautiful life you love. It is slow but I am working on this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
bnegc
I am very sorry for your situation.
I am relatively new here & have my own ugly story which is posted.
This horrible story is generally always the same. Common themes thousands of stories. At the center of each story is addiction. The stories have different twists & turns but common themes.
I came to this forum several weeks ago with my traumatic problems. Based on my experience, you came to the right place. You will get good solid candid advice from caring people with real life experience. Its not easy to face.
I wish you the best of luck dealing with your self & your addict.
I am very sorry for your situation.
I am relatively new here & have my own ugly story which is posted.
This horrible story is generally always the same. Common themes thousands of stories. At the center of each story is addiction. The stories have different twists & turns but common themes.
I came to this forum several weeks ago with my traumatic problems. Based on my experience, you came to the right place. You will get good solid candid advice from caring people with real life experience. Its not easy to face.
I wish you the best of luck dealing with your self & your addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
If you have any advice to help with staying strong, and moving on, and still maybe helping from afar,
welcome. your story is heart breaking, but so familiar to so many of us here. you are not alone!
i understand your desire to "help from afar" but there really isn't anything you CAN do. in all your years together, he continued to spiral further and further OUT of control. if your presence and influence was the magic balm, you wouldn't be here. but drug addiction is not something we can fix or love away.
focus on staying strong and staying safe. therapy is an excellent response to all you have endured.
welcome. your story is heart breaking, but so familiar to so many of us here. you are not alone!
i understand your desire to "help from afar" but there really isn't anything you CAN do. in all your years together, he continued to spiral further and further OUT of control. if your presence and influence was the magic balm, you wouldn't be here. but drug addiction is not something we can fix or love away.
focus on staying strong and staying safe. therapy is an excellent response to all you have endured.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by HardLessons
bnegc
I am very sorry for your situation.
I am relatively new here & have my own ugly story which is posted.
This horrible story is generally always the same. Common themes thousands of stories. At the center of each story is addiction. The stories have different twists & turns but common themes.
I came to this forum several weeks ago with my traumatic problems. Based on my experience, you came to the right place. You will get good solid candid advice from caring people with real life experience. Its not easy to face.
I wish you the best of luck dealing with your self & your addict.
I am very sorry for your situation.
I am relatively new here & have my own ugly story which is posted.
This horrible story is generally always the same. Common themes thousands of stories. At the center of each story is addiction. The stories have different twists & turns but common themes.
I came to this forum several weeks ago with my traumatic problems. Based on my experience, you came to the right place. You will get good solid candid advice from caring people with real life experience. Its not easy to face.
I wish you the best of luck dealing with your self & your addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by SimplyE
In my opinion you are an extremely strong person for recognizing the issues and doing what you have to and taking care of you.
As far as advice
What you are already doing,, I found reading and posting here has helped a lot, if for no other reason then to know I am not alone and I can get though this.
25+ years here and "I guess it hurts until it doesn't" I'm not sure I would be human if I didn't feel these emotions. At this moment I choose not to feed them. I choose to be at peace in this moment. The feelings are there but at this moment I choose to refocus.
My Heart goes out to you. It does hurt... but now time to create a new life! A beautiful life you love. It is slow but I am working on this.
As far as advice
What you are already doing,, I found reading and posting here has helped a lot, if for no other reason then to know I am not alone and I can get though this.
25+ years here and "I guess it hurts until it doesn't" I'm not sure I would be human if I didn't feel these emotions. At this moment I choose not to feed them. I choose to be at peace in this moment. The feelings are there but at this moment I choose to refocus.
My Heart goes out to you. It does hurt... but now time to create a new life! A beautiful life you love. It is slow but I am working on this.
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