Very bad turn of events
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Very bad turn of events
I'd written about my son being arrested on a bench warrant. He stayed in the city's jail for four days until court convened. I attended court. I had no intention of bailing him out; I was hoping to have a few seconds to talk to him and say we love you, we want to get help for you. However, when they brought him into the courtroom he looked terrible . His shirt was ripped and I thought he had bruises on his face. He didn't even know I was there because he didn't have his glasses (not lost, in his property bag). I'd spoken with a police officer earlier, asking "what's going to happen today?" and he was very kind. When the judge asked son if he was prepared to pay bail, he asked to make a phone call. The court said he'd be allowed to do so. The officer came to speak with me, I was crying, and said I would pay the bail. I went to the bank, came back, and took him home with me. BIG MISTAKE.
he took a shower, put on clean clothes and I made lunch. He looked OK to me. After being held for four days he and his clothes were still relatively clean. I've been with him when he detoxed at home, and between vomiting, sweating... they don't smell very fresh, and it didn't seem as though he'd gone through that over the past several days. I also realized that he didn't have any bruises on his face; he'd lost more weight and those were shadows that looked like bruises in the courtroom. His shirt was ripped because he'd been cold and tried to stretch the t-shirt so he could draw up his knees inside the shirt because he said the jail was cold (he was wearing shorts).
Anyway, I said I'd take him to a doctor today, and help him find rehab.
he refused. But this was the best conversation we'd had in a while so I didn't push. I figured I wanted him to stay in touch, so I didn't want to alienate him. I said that I would give him a ride back to his apartment; he said no, he'd been stuck in jail for four days, he wanted to be outside and walk. I asked if they had groceries, and he said yes. I said please call me in a day or two, let me know how you are.
A week went by, no contact. We went to the police and learned that the apartment where son and roommate had been living was empty; they no longer live there. so we reported him missing to our local police.
I was since contacted by a friend of his, that he's living in abandoned buildings in a city neighborhood where I would never go without an armed guard. Gangs, drugs. The friend was trying to find him, to convince him to go to rehab, etc. Friend understands that we will take son back home only to get medical/rehab help, not as a permanent "live here and do your drugs" solution to homelessness. Son lost his (good) job because he didn't show up for four days in a row without notifying boss. Son son sold his iPhone so we cannot contact him directly. Son cannot live in homeless shelter where his friend/former roommate is while he's figuring out his next move, because son cannot test clean. Friend is a military vet and is trying to move forward with veteran outreach programs to get new housing, but in the meantime is trying to help son get clean. They lost their apartment because son was nodding out in front of the landlord. This friend took son in, knowing his problem, when we told him he had to leave the house (after something valuable went missing). He's in his own (long term) recovery, so I guess he's son's defacto sponsor and guardian angel.
Friend says son is extremely poor condition. Police found son, but because he's an adult they could not force him to come home. It's insane. We reported him as a homeless heroin addict who is an obvious danger to himself, and he's allowed to pursue that lifestyle; it's his right? PS, he had another bench warrant, and the police actually brought him into court that day and the judge ROR'd him with a new court date. Seriously? A homeless heroin addict gets ROR because he "promises" to show up in court? The other town that had a bench warrant on him held in in local jail until I (foolishly) paid that bail. i was sure this town would do the same, but I was not going to pay bail again. I figured he'd be alive at least another 30 days sitting in jail waiting for a hearing. Wrong!
Now i have this horrible guilt because if I had not bailed him, he'd still be sitting in jail, not living in abandoned buildings and shooting **** into his arms every day.
I don't eat because I can't keep down anything stronger that tea and dry toast, I certainly can't sleep, and when i do manage a nap for an hour or two my dreams are nightmares.
I feel like a part of me is missing. Like a "phantom limb" -- my other son is married, lives an hour away, we speak weekly, see each other monthly, I stay out of his business, I'm just happy that he and his wife are happy. I'm really ready for the EMPTY NEST but not under this circumstance!
he took a shower, put on clean clothes and I made lunch. He looked OK to me. After being held for four days he and his clothes were still relatively clean. I've been with him when he detoxed at home, and between vomiting, sweating... they don't smell very fresh, and it didn't seem as though he'd gone through that over the past several days. I also realized that he didn't have any bruises on his face; he'd lost more weight and those were shadows that looked like bruises in the courtroom. His shirt was ripped because he'd been cold and tried to stretch the t-shirt so he could draw up his knees inside the shirt because he said the jail was cold (he was wearing shorts).
Anyway, I said I'd take him to a doctor today, and help him find rehab.
he refused. But this was the best conversation we'd had in a while so I didn't push. I figured I wanted him to stay in touch, so I didn't want to alienate him. I said that I would give him a ride back to his apartment; he said no, he'd been stuck in jail for four days, he wanted to be outside and walk. I asked if they had groceries, and he said yes. I said please call me in a day or two, let me know how you are.
A week went by, no contact. We went to the police and learned that the apartment where son and roommate had been living was empty; they no longer live there. so we reported him missing to our local police.
I was since contacted by a friend of his, that he's living in abandoned buildings in a city neighborhood where I would never go without an armed guard. Gangs, drugs. The friend was trying to find him, to convince him to go to rehab, etc. Friend understands that we will take son back home only to get medical/rehab help, not as a permanent "live here and do your drugs" solution to homelessness. Son lost his (good) job because he didn't show up for four days in a row without notifying boss. Son son sold his iPhone so we cannot contact him directly. Son cannot live in homeless shelter where his friend/former roommate is while he's figuring out his next move, because son cannot test clean. Friend is a military vet and is trying to move forward with veteran outreach programs to get new housing, but in the meantime is trying to help son get clean. They lost their apartment because son was nodding out in front of the landlord. This friend took son in, knowing his problem, when we told him he had to leave the house (after something valuable went missing). He's in his own (long term) recovery, so I guess he's son's defacto sponsor and guardian angel.
Friend says son is extremely poor condition. Police found son, but because he's an adult they could not force him to come home. It's insane. We reported him as a homeless heroin addict who is an obvious danger to himself, and he's allowed to pursue that lifestyle; it's his right? PS, he had another bench warrant, and the police actually brought him into court that day and the judge ROR'd him with a new court date. Seriously? A homeless heroin addict gets ROR because he "promises" to show up in court? The other town that had a bench warrant on him held in in local jail until I (foolishly) paid that bail. i was sure this town would do the same, but I was not going to pay bail again. I figured he'd be alive at least another 30 days sitting in jail waiting for a hearing. Wrong!
Now i have this horrible guilt because if I had not bailed him, he'd still be sitting in jail, not living in abandoned buildings and shooting **** into his arms every day.
I don't eat because I can't keep down anything stronger that tea and dry toast, I certainly can't sleep, and when i do manage a nap for an hour or two my dreams are nightmares.
I feel like a part of me is missing. Like a "phantom limb" -- my other son is married, lives an hour away, we speak weekly, see each other monthly, I stay out of his business, I'm just happy that he and his wife are happy. I'm really ready for the EMPTY NEST but not under this circumstance!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Julia.
You thought you were helping, but.....no.
Please harden your heart. Your son must walk his path, wherever it leads.
I am so, so sorry for your pain and sorrow.
There are several people on this site who have been exactly where you are. They had to give the lived one up to the God of their understanding for their own sanity.
I have a friend who has not heard from her addict son in years. She says a prayer for his safety every day. It's all she can do.
Peace.
You thought you were helping, but.....no.
Please harden your heart. Your son must walk his path, wherever it leads.
I am so, so sorry for your pain and sorrow.
There are several people on this site who have been exactly where you are. They had to give the lived one up to the God of their understanding for their own sanity.
I have a friend who has not heard from her addict son in years. She says a prayer for his safety every day. It's all she can do.
Peace.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have a friend who has not heard from her addict son in years. She says a prayer for his safety every day. It's all she can do.
And yes, I bailed him out of jail when I saw how pathetic he looked and he cried and told me he would do ANYTHING I asked if I bailed him out. What mother wouldn't bail such a pathetic sad child out? We didn't even make it home, a few blocks before he jumped out of the car at a stop sign and went to use again.
My heart broke every time I thought of him using and yet there was nothing, not one thing, I could do to save him from himself. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.
As Maudcat said, I get through my day by saying a prayer every morning, asking God to take care of my son and do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith that He will. I find joy and beauty in every single day, no matter what it brings. Going to meetings helped me most, and coming here for 15 years now to keep my recovery fresh.
Julia, I will keep your son in my prayers, and you as well. It's heart breaking to watch our children self-destruct. But we don't have to self-destruct too, we can find our own recovery and live it every day.
It really does get better, I promise. In time you will realize that letting go doesn't mean you give up, it means you realize that you were hanging on to an illusion and are ready to release the need to control that which is not yours (or mine) to control.
I wish you peace, it's a fleeting thing for us mamas, but one day you will find it too and hopefully share your story with some new mama that comes through these doors.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
How heartbreaking for you 
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The advice to harden your heart is good advice as hard and wrong as that may feel. He is your son. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be in your position, it's bad enough with a partner. Your son must find his own way and you must not feel guilty. You have tried and loved and tried again, done everything you could. I pray your son finds recovery and I pray that you find some peace.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The advice to harden your heart is good advice as hard and wrong as that may feel. He is your son. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to be in your position, it's bad enough with a partner. Your son must find his own way and you must not feel guilty. You have tried and loved and tried again, done everything you could. I pray your son finds recovery and I pray that you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Julia, another Mom here who has a son who has been struggling for 7 years. In the "early days" of his addiction, I was hell bent on "beating the hell out of the addiction" and would do anything in my power to divert the path my son was on. It took a few burglaries and loss of many of our things to finally see that my "helping" was doing nothing but harming. Our son spent some time in jail and it was actually the best thing for ME. During those months, we communicated very regularly, and I let him know that rehab and recovery would be the only way we could support him. Well, it is rarely a "one and one" thing. It has taken him a ton of tries, but he continues to try and the relapses become shorter and shorter. As everyone here has said, it is best to let them go. Only then will you begin to heal and realize that your job is done. you raised your son and now he is an adult who will need to find his own way. Praying and letting go saved my life. Hugs and we are all here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Julia,
I'm so sorry for everything you've been going through with your son. Only someone that has loved and lived with an addict knows what you're going through. If I hadn't lived through that experience, I wouldn't have believed it myself.
Our natural instinct is to help and protect the ones we love so having to step back from someone battling addiction can be heart wrenching. Like Ann wisely said, just because they self destruct doesn't mean we have to self destruct too. I was also awake at all hours of the night, filled with fear and worry about my loved one's well being (in my case it was my ex husband). I lost my appetite and sometimes I felt like a zombie during the day. It took me a long time to realize that regardless of what I did, he was going to do whatever he wanted. I thought if I did x, y, and z he would get better, but it doesn't work that way.
Eventually I had to step back and save myself because I was going down with him. I still had people in my life that needed me and depended on me, and I felt like I was just wasting away. Stepping back didn't mean I was giving up on him, it just meant that I was letting go and letting God step in since He could do more for my ex than I ever could.
Once I did that, I started to regain peace in my life and began to feel better, both physically and emotionally. As painful as it is to see someone go through this, at the end of the day it is THEIR journey to go through, not ours. My prayer is that your son will seek the help that he needs and be one of the success stories. It's not easy to overcome addiction, but it's not impossible either.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
I'm so sorry for everything you've been going through with your son. Only someone that has loved and lived with an addict knows what you're going through. If I hadn't lived through that experience, I wouldn't have believed it myself.
Our natural instinct is to help and protect the ones we love so having to step back from someone battling addiction can be heart wrenching. Like Ann wisely said, just because they self destruct doesn't mean we have to self destruct too. I was also awake at all hours of the night, filled with fear and worry about my loved one's well being (in my case it was my ex husband). I lost my appetite and sometimes I felt like a zombie during the day. It took me a long time to realize that regardless of what I did, he was going to do whatever he wanted. I thought if I did x, y, and z he would get better, but it doesn't work that way.
Eventually I had to step back and save myself because I was going down with him. I still had people in my life that needed me and depended on me, and I felt like I was just wasting away. Stepping back didn't mean I was giving up on him, it just meant that I was letting go and letting God step in since He could do more for my ex than I ever could.
Once I did that, I started to regain peace in my life and began to feel better, both physically and emotionally. As painful as it is to see someone go through this, at the end of the day it is THEIR journey to go through, not ours. My prayer is that your son will seek the help that he needs and be one of the success stories. It's not easy to overcome addiction, but it's not impossible either.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Julia, Another mom here and I have felt your pain, shared the same unbearable pain, I have two amazing young boys that have been consumed from crazy hold of addiction to heroin. We try as moms to fix Its what we do we gave birth and protect everyday of their lives. So different with this disease, one we have to learn as a human and not so much as a parent because it goes against everything we believe...............but it may just save their live. I have learned thru this site and attending NA meetings that its a disease and they have to learn about it themselves as well as we need to learn. I read on here from one of the beautiful moms a statement that stuck with me and I used..................to my son, I am giving you the dignity and respect to find your own way, I love you enough to stop cheating you out of growing yourself. I believe in you enough to know your gonna make healthier choices for yourself once you learn about this disease, I sold you short by continuing to step in, your strong enough to do it yourself and you can, I know it................................ My boys were welcome in my house as long as not using, a drug free house, my boundary, my survival, if they needed help and asked for rehab, I helped get them there..............and kept in touch of course, I learned I could not support when they were in active using but told them I am here when ready for help..................... NOthing easy about this, many times I thought I would die, couldn't breathe, talk, eat........no way to live and still have a boy at home to young to ever have been exposed to such. I love them and they keep fighting today, relapse are shorter and addressed quickly but they are learning the tools for their survival as I am........... God Bless you in your time of need and please keep coming back here, read, learn.............................
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