TiredDad

XAW's asking to talk with our son on the phone. She has not set up her supervised visits yet and I'm on the fence about whether or not this should happen.

She isn't asking to speak with our oldest because she says she knows she won't want too speak to her.

My feelings lean towards sticking with she needs to set up her visitation as ordered.

Any thoughts are welcome.
Thanks
TD

Maudcat

Do you think she will set the visits up, TD, or is talking to son to be the substitute for that?
Maybe visits are beyond her just now?

PhoenixJ

Tireddad, it is difficult ot 'advise' anyone on personal matters even if we know them well. However I will give over some thoughts based on the few words you shared.
That is the first thing- so few words...concise- so you have intent and purpose behind them. Your exaw wants to speak to only your son and not your daughter. Why the favouritism? She says she knows your daughter would not speak to her...how des she 'know?'- so a select choice to me indicates intent on her behalf. Both my, sons for example have not contactes me in over 2 years now (they are independent adults)- but I love them both equally and could/would not 'choose'. That is their choice. Leading onto the next thought- what do you son and daughter think? I hope your exaw is not playing sides or using emotional manipulation to get someone on her'side'.
Has she indicated why she wants to talk to your son? If so- for how long? I assume your kids are not yet adults. The safety- emotionally of your son and daughter takes precedence over what your ex wants.
You write the exah has not yet organised visitations. That is a planned structured contact to ensure safe behaviour, commitment and the safety of all. For example if your exah was drinking on the day of visitation- that visit would not take place... such would be my concern about a phone call. She may drink before hand- to gain courage, whatever...
Also it is easier to deny drinking if asked over the phone. I think that your thinking is clear and you show some thought for your ex, but the well being of your son and daughter should take precedence. Lastly- how would your daughter feel, knowing only your son has been 'chosen'? If your daughter has issues- that is understandable and obviously to be respected.
The reason why rehab's, visitations, court ordered sobriety...etc, are there is so the alcoholic person can show proof of progress and commitment by action. A phone call does not meet this. Also visitation ensures safety.

Drinking sucks.
MY EMPATHY AND SUPPORT OFFERED FOR YOU ALL.
-

TiredDad

I feel like it's a sub for setting them up in my gut. She txt and said today that she was trying to set them up.

I feel my heart trying to push wanting to let her and my mind saying she needs to follow though setting up visits.

TiredDad

Phoenix J
Thank you. You called out valid points.
My son's 5 and very emotional about mom. Yes emotional manipulation comes to mind and the possibility concerns me.

Daughter is 16 and had valid points as well. Her bottom line is follow the steps laid out in the divorce. Prove it or stick it.

My feeling is visits equal having to prove she clean every visit. That can be a tall order for a meth addict.

My gut reflects that's the true issue at least.

TiredDad

The phone push subsided. My head and heart still wrestle a bit about it.

I did choose to follow up on her text to me that she was working on setting up the visit before she started asking about calling.

As of Monday the visitation agency didn't reflect any contact or paper work started for her.
That was hard to hear but also expected.

I'm glad I did contact them though. I discovered I have paperwork that will need to be done and to set up an intake meeting.
I'm learning this as I go. Im getting the wrinkles out a little at a time.

The positive today- the kids and I finished the day off with a well deserved water balloon fight and all the laughs to go with it.

Ariesagain

Your instincts are good. Listen to your gut, yes?

Sending you a hug.