New Here - Train Wreck - Please Help
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
We also had a deep emotional connection.
YOU did. she is busy with a BOYFRIEND and financing their drug addiction. you know, the multiple felon soul mate she had when you met that she accidentally forgot to mention??? she told you her sad story because it worked. you fell for it. hook line and wallet.
you gave her 3 grand a few weeks ago and surprise! she ain't calling. i wonder why..............
YOU did. she is busy with a BOYFRIEND and financing their drug addiction. you know, the multiple felon soul mate she had when you met that she accidentally forgot to mention??? she told you her sad story because it worked. you fell for it. hook line and wallet.
you gave her 3 grand a few weeks ago and surprise! she ain't calling. i wonder why..............
The 3 grand a couple weeks ago was a drop in a bucket. Lol. I'm shocked. I haven't heard from her. Very baffling. I'm thinking. Something is very. Wrong. I did tell her. I needed time. But she never listens to me or takes my advice. Why would she do it now?
When I first met her. She was living an extremely. Crappy. Life. Not made up. They had no food. No hot water. No working stove. Gas was off. No heat. It was early fall. None of that was made up. Piles of unpaid bills. Not made up
Yes. I fell for her story hard. Real or not Hook line & sinker.
She could suck me back in. Even. Now. I am messed up. I admit
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Finding a good therapist who understands addiction could help you sort out what "works" about this relationship for you that you're so ensnared that it cost you a real relationship and you hardly noticed.
Maybe there was an unresolved relationship with a woman early in your life...maybe it's a Pygmalion thing...maybe you just have a case of the screaming hots for her because she's essentially unavailable...who knows. Maybe it's as simple as you can't bring yourself to admit that all that money is a sunk cost for a lost cause...a rare failure in your successful life.
But you really do need help figuring it out, yes? Because this could cost you everything if it continues this way.
Maybe there was an unresolved relationship with a woman early in your life...maybe it's a Pygmalion thing...maybe you just have a case of the screaming hots for her because she's essentially unavailable...who knows. Maybe it's as simple as you can't bring yourself to admit that all that money is a sunk cost for a lost cause...a rare failure in your successful life.
But you really do need help figuring it out, yes? Because this could cost you everything if it continues this way.
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Location: W Washington
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i gotta say, as a woman in her 50's, i never mastered the "helpless/rescue me" thing....and while i don't ENVY a woman who can pull that off, i sure am amazed. you mean you can con someone into taking care of you? paying your bills? and you don't even have to treat them well? you can be a complete low life with a long record, an active addict, act unstable, and they will STILL hang around and hand you money???? you can lie to their face, and even when they find out it was all lies, they will STILL stick around, even if those lies include a boyfriend? huh.....
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i gotta say, as a woman in her 50's, i never mastered the "helpless/rescue me" thing....and while i don't ENVY a woman who can pull that off, i sure am amazed. you mean you can con someone into taking care of you? paying your bills? and you don't even have to treat them well? you can be a complete low life with a long record, an active addict, act unstable, and they will STILL hang around and hand you money???? you can lie to their face, and even when they find out it was all lies, they will STILL stick around, even if those lies include a boyfriend? huh.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by HardLessons
In my personal life. I'd like to be in a peaceful place in 6 months. I'm weary & tired. I'd like to have a calm mind. &. Be happy? I am far from that place now. I'm trying to figure out how to get through the next day or so. Let alone 6 months. I'm day to day. Now
im hopin big time one of our members( where are you, my pink crowbar weilding friend!?!!? ) will be here and offer advise and insight.
because in all honesty, reading your posts i was having MAJOR flashbacks to about 2 1/2 or so years ago and was SERIOUSLY wrapped up with a woman that wasnt available. some SERIOUS codependant, enabling actions on my part.some SERIOUS self destruction as i was just one of her pawns falling for the sweet talk, pity party, poor me blahblabhblabh crap.
she sure found a sick one in me!!!
aaaand i dumped on someone here with a pink crowbar,(come out and play,my friend!!!.
i NEEDED that crowbar to get my head popped outta my ass!!
i cant thank her enough for her brutally honest, no sugar coating, pity party approach.
HL, it hurt. it hurt like 10 sons of bitches.
but after i heard the distinct popping sound of my head commin outta my but,i was able to clear the popp outta m ears and HEAR what was being typed. i was able to HEAR the actions on howmto cut ties.
after i did that, THAT is when i was able to learn the whys of it all- NOT the whys of HER. the WHYS of MMMMMEEEEEE.
ya know, some ofmit hurt, but then again it didnt.
yup, i have a pretty good heart and can be loving.
i was just a seriously screwed up whacked out jacked up nut job mess on who and when to show that.
and the actions to learn and heal took T.I.M.E. which =
Things I Must Earn.
it didnt happen overnight. im sure my pink crowbar weilding friend( who i am dam convined is related to anvillhead LOLOLOL) was shakin her head a time or 329, but she kept at it, guided me through it, and suggested a LOT of great reading material.
imcant even sa how long it took, but there DID come a day i realized something. and it felt good:
i was single, by myself, loved myself, and LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVED the feeling!
it all happened one day at a time. one pain at a time. one action at a time.
HL, YOU are starting the process TODAY.
you seem quite receptive of whats being said- good on ya!!!
anyone mention al anon to ya yet?
ok, heres an action you can do tonight:
go look in the mirror.
right into your own eyes.no matter how hard it is.
tell yourself
" i love you."
do it every time your near a mirror.
becuase you deserve to love yourself.
and youre going to start to show that with actions, RIGHT?
actions one day at a time.
and keep comin back! keep posting! this place has an amazing amount of support,guidance, knowledge, suggestions..... one helluva supply of crowbars( theyre only used because they care)
from people who have been in your shoes.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Finding a good therapist who understands addiction could help you sort out what "works" about this relationship for you that you're so ensnared that it cost you a real relationship and you hardly noticed.
Maybe there was an unresolved relationship with a woman early in your life...maybe it's a Pygmalion thing...maybe you just have a case of the screaming hots for her because she's essentially unavailable...who knows. Maybe it's as simple as you can't bring yourself to admit that all that money is a sunk cost for a lost cause...a rare failure in your successful life.
But you really do need help figuring it out, yes? Because this could cost you everything if it continues this way.
Maybe there was an unresolved relationship with a woman early in your life...maybe it's a Pygmalion thing...maybe you just have a case of the screaming hots for her because she's essentially unavailable...who knows. Maybe it's as simple as you can't bring yourself to admit that all that money is a sunk cost for a lost cause...a rare failure in your successful life.
But you really do need help figuring it out, yes? Because this could cost you everything if it continues this way.
As this relationship developed. & money was required. I knew. early on there was a posiibility I was being used. Their life was sh@t the daughter was sleeping on a crap mattress on the floor. No furniture in her room. I spent. Money The daughter got a real furniture set. So did the mother. They got real bedroom furniture. They had none
I wasn't aware of addiction T that point. But at that time. It didn't matter if I was being used. The daughter needed. A real bedroom. That's all that mattered to me
My. Point is all the money even if I was used. Isn't a sunk or lost cost their lives are greatly improved from what it was. Night & day different
Whether it stays that way I don't know. It could very well sink or slide backwards. But at least that precious young girl daughter. had a real room. A clean safe nice place to live in a good neighborhood. Cable tv & internet. Etc. I don't care if I was used. I don't care about the money.
Yes. I very much need help figuring this out I don't trust my own judgement I don't know what I am doing or why. I need help
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i gotta say, as a woman in her 50's, i never mastered the "helpless/rescue me" thing....and while i don't ENVY a woman who can pull that off, i sure am amazed. you mean you can con someone into taking care of you? paying your bills? and you don't even have to treat them well? you can be a complete low life with a long record, an active addict, act unstable, and they will STILL hang around and hand you money???? you can lie to their face, and even when they find out it was all lies, they will STILL stick around, even if those lies include a boyfriend? huh.....
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Originally Posted by JCNY
I'm considered about the child. I feel that Child Protection Services or some agency needs to get involved here. You've done so much to help these people, IMO it's time to let go.
I am very concerned. About her too. She has my cell number & has texted me in the past I've told her often. Get me 24 /7. In case of an emergency
Can two active addicts raise a young teen girl.
I've read genetics may play a role concerning addiction. If this is the case. This kid has no chance
I'm very worried about this daughter. If the mother is ok. I always feel comfortable the daughter is good. Not hearing anything in two weeks has me worried
Good point
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Location: East Coast
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She was accusing me of having sex with the. Other woman.
And some people cheat by having an emotional affair with somebody else. And as soon as you made it clear that your addict's needs took priority over your exGF's, your ex knew there was only way for her to stop getting enmeshed in your emotional infidelity - she would have to leave herself.
But at least that precious young girl daughter. had a real room. A clean safe nice place to live in a good neighborhood. Cable tv & internet. Etc. I don't care if I was used. I don't care about the money.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
no matter what improvements your $$ has provided for this child..... a real bed, comforter, etc.....she still lives with two active addicts......two adults who have been incarcerated multiple times over the years, lengthy arrest records, ongoing theft and drug use, mental instability, drug paraphanalia left all around the house. she lives in that nightmare.....
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
There are many ways to cheat in a relationship. Some people cheat by having sexual intercourse with somebody else besides their partner. Some people cheat by engaging in some sort of addiction, whether it's drugs, porn, or alcohol.
And some people cheat by having an emotional affair with somebody else. And as soon as you made it clear that your addict's needs took priority over your exGF's, your ex knew there was only way for her to stop getting enmeshed in your emotional infidelity - she would have to leave herself.
You gave that little girl a very temporary solution that was completely dependent on you so you could fill up whatever hole you have inside yourself. If you really care about her, then help her find a solution that does not rely on your involvement or the approval of her mother. JCNY's suggestion is a great one. Calling an agency won't give you those warm fuzzy feelings, but it means that you're truly helping her for HER, not for yourself.
And some people cheat by having an emotional affair with somebody else. And as soon as you made it clear that your addict's needs took priority over your exGF's, your ex knew there was only way for her to stop getting enmeshed in your emotional infidelity - she would have to leave herself.
You gave that little girl a very temporary solution that was completely dependent on you so you could fill up whatever hole you have inside yourself. If you really care about her, then help her find a solution that does not rely on your involvement or the approval of her mother. JCNY's suggestion is a great one. Calling an agency won't give you those warm fuzzy feelings, but it means that you're truly helping her for HER, not for yourself.
I was trying to help. In what turned out to be a crazy situation. I was trying my best. After I found out the ugly details I knew I was in over my head. I was in deep at that point. I'm still in deep
I have thought about contacting a child welfare agency. It's a big step. I'd have to think long & hard on it
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
no matter what improvements your $$ has provided for this child..... a real bed, comforter, etc.....she still lives with two active addicts......two adults who have been incarcerated multiple times over the years, lengthy arrest records, ongoing theft and drug use, mental instability, drug paraphanalia left all around the house. she lives in that nightmare.....
I have previously thought about everything you said. It concerns me greatly. I've had sleepless nights. Thinking about it.
I tried my best dealing with a crazy situation. I spent a lot of money trying to make their lives better. Also my time. I did start to question if I was helping or hurting. I told the mother. That very same thing. Months ago
Parts of this are a. Nightmare
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Parts of this are a. Nightmare
keep comin back, HL
wait....
PARTS of this?!?!?!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Addicts can be so charming. There are two people who you can help here- yourself and the child. Get yourself to a meeting- this forum is amazing, but there is no replacement for actual face-to-face support. And report the situation to CPS.
Try to figure out why you allowed this to happen to you. We tend to want to believe it's just because we're decent, loving human beings, but often it runs much deeper.
All the best to you.
Try to figure out why you allowed this to happen to you. We tend to want to believe it's just because we're decent, loving human beings, but often it runs much deeper.
All the best to you.
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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Addicts can be so charming. There are two people who you can help here- yourself and the child. Get yourself to a meeting- this forum is amazing, but there is no replacement for actual face-to-face support. And report the situation to CPS.
Try to figure out why you allowed this to happen to you. We tend to want to believe it's just because we're decent, loving human beings, but often it runs much deeper.
All the best to you.
Try to figure out why you allowed this to happen to you. We tend to want to believe it's just because we're decent, loving human beings, but often it runs much deeper.
All the best to you.
I am concerned about the future of the daughter
I am also concerned about my self & how I allowed myself to get into this position that will obviously take some time to figure out
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For about 10 years I enabled my addicted son by giving him a loving safe home to live in and a job with my husband...our home became a war zone and he stole from my husband's business.
I bailed him out of jail for shoplifting, because he was crying, said he had learned his lesson and would do anything we asked and stay clean...before we reached home he left the car and went to use once more.
I bought him tools so he could work, an apartment so he would have a safe place to live and near where he was working on a construction project...he got a week's pay, sold the tools and went on a drugfest.
I paid child support that he should have been paying, because I cared about the well being of the child...who was well taken care of already by his mother and her new, clean and sober, partner.
I risked my life threatening to kick down a crack house door if my son did not come out...he came out, and when I left he went back.
As my son became more and more sick in his addiction, I became more and more sick in my codependency, mentally, physically and spiritually. I lost sight of who I was and became a "reaction" to his addiction.
One day I had "enough", gave the care of my son over to God and found myself a meeting, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon as I needed more than one meeting a week. I found SR somewhere along the way and between these two support groups, I found my way back to sanity and good health.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, missing for over 10 years. I say a prayer for him each morning and then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived. I find joy and beauty in every single day.
I feel your pain, I know your obsession, I have been where you are with my own son.
Please know that nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say will make her change and give up drugs, only she can do that if and when she is ready and that may be a very long time from now, if she lives that long.
You can stay sick and maybe end up in jail for just knowing of her illegal activities (it's happened here before) and follow the path you are on or you can make up your mind that this is your "enough" point, and start your own recovery.
In the end, the choice is yours. Can you give up your addiction, are you willing to do what you need to do to live a better life? You don't have to answer here, but that's what it boils down to in the end...you cannot save her, do you want to save yourself or go down with the ship of addiction?
I wish you the best, it's not easy but I promise one day you will look back and wonder "What WAS I thinking?" I ask myself that often.
Hugs
I bailed him out of jail for shoplifting, because he was crying, said he had learned his lesson and would do anything we asked and stay clean...before we reached home he left the car and went to use once more.
I bought him tools so he could work, an apartment so he would have a safe place to live and near where he was working on a construction project...he got a week's pay, sold the tools and went on a drugfest.
I paid child support that he should have been paying, because I cared about the well being of the child...who was well taken care of already by his mother and her new, clean and sober, partner.
I risked my life threatening to kick down a crack house door if my son did not come out...he came out, and when I left he went back.
As my son became more and more sick in his addiction, I became more and more sick in my codependency, mentally, physically and spiritually. I lost sight of who I was and became a "reaction" to his addiction.
One day I had "enough", gave the care of my son over to God and found myself a meeting, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon as I needed more than one meeting a week. I found SR somewhere along the way and between these two support groups, I found my way back to sanity and good health.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, missing for over 10 years. I say a prayer for him each morning and then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived. I find joy and beauty in every single day.
I feel your pain, I know your obsession, I have been where you are with my own son.
Please know that nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say will make her change and give up drugs, only she can do that if and when she is ready and that may be a very long time from now, if she lives that long.
You can stay sick and maybe end up in jail for just knowing of her illegal activities (it's happened here before) and follow the path you are on or you can make up your mind that this is your "enough" point, and start your own recovery.
In the end, the choice is yours. Can you give up your addiction, are you willing to do what you need to do to live a better life? You don't have to answer here, but that's what it boils down to in the end...you cannot save her, do you want to save yourself or go down with the ship of addiction?
I wish you the best, it's not easy but I promise one day you will look back and wonder "What WAS I thinking?" I ask myself that often.
Hugs
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Originally Posted by Ann
For about 10 years I enabled my addicted son by giving him a loving safe home to live in and a job with my husband...our home became a war zone and he stole from my husband's business.
I bailed him out of jail for shoplifting, because he was crying, said he had learned his lesson and would do anything we asked and stay clean...before we reached home he left the car and went to use once more.
I bought him tools so he could work, an apartment so he would have a safe place to live and near where he was working on a construction project...he got a week's pay, sold the tools and went on a drugfest.
I paid child support that he should have been paying, because I cared about the well being of the child...who was well taken care of already by his mother and her new, clean and sober, partner.
I risked my life threatening to kick down a crack house door if my son did not come out...he came out, and when I left he went back.
As my son became more and more sick in his addiction, I became more and more sick in my codependency, mentally, physically and spiritually. I lost sight of who I was and became a "reaction" to his addiction.
One day I had "enough", gave the care of my son over to God and found myself a meeting, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon as I needed more than one meeting a week. I found SR somewhere along the way and between these two support groups, I found my way back to sanity and good health.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, missing for over 10 years. I say a prayer for him each morning and then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived. I find joy and beauty in every single day.
I feel your pain, I know your obsession, I have been where you are with my own son.
Please know that nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say will make her change and give up drugs, only she can do that if and when she is ready and that may be a very long time from now, if she lives that long.
You can stay sick and maybe end up in jail for just knowing of her illegal activities (it's happened here before) and follow the path you are on or you can make up your mind that this is your "enough" point, and start your own recovery.
In the end, the choice is yours. Can you give up your addiction, are you willing to do what you need to do to live a better life? You don't have to answer here, but that's what it boils down to in the end...you cannot save her, do you want to save yourself or go down with the ship of addiction?
I wish you the best, it's not easy but I promise one day you will look back and wonder "What WAS I thinking?" I ask myself that often.
Hugs
I bailed him out of jail for shoplifting, because he was crying, said he had learned his lesson and would do anything we asked and stay clean...before we reached home he left the car and went to use once more.
I bought him tools so he could work, an apartment so he would have a safe place to live and near where he was working on a construction project...he got a week's pay, sold the tools and went on a drugfest.
I paid child support that he should have been paying, because I cared about the well being of the child...who was well taken care of already by his mother and her new, clean and sober, partner.
I risked my life threatening to kick down a crack house door if my son did not come out...he came out, and when I left he went back.
As my son became more and more sick in his addiction, I became more and more sick in my codependency, mentally, physically and spiritually. I lost sight of who I was and became a "reaction" to his addiction.
One day I had "enough", gave the care of my son over to God and found myself a meeting, CoDA was my home group but I also went to Al-anon as I needed more than one meeting a week. I found SR somewhere along the way and between these two support groups, I found my way back to sanity and good health.
My son is still lost in his addiction somewhere, missing for over 10 years. I say a prayer for him each morning and then live my life well, as life was intended to be lived. I find joy and beauty in every single day.
I feel your pain, I know your obsession, I have been where you are with my own son.
Please know that nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say will make her change and give up drugs, only she can do that if and when she is ready and that may be a very long time from now, if she lives that long.
You can stay sick and maybe end up in jail for just knowing of her illegal activities (it's happened here before) and follow the path you are on or you can make up your mind that this is your "enough" point, and start your own recovery.
In the end, the choice is yours. Can you give up your addiction, are you willing to do what you need to do to live a better life? You don't have to answer here, but that's what it boils down to in the end...you cannot save her, do you want to save yourself or go down with the ship of addiction?
I wish you the best, it's not easy but I promise one day you will look back and wonder "What WAS I thinking?" I ask myself that often.
Hugs
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words I read them carefully
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I do understand the painful distressing feelings.
These people are not my blood family I never lived with them But a strong love at least on my part developed I didn't know it when it happened but I fell off the deep end of codependency & addiction
The only good news at this point is I do recognize I have a problem & need to do something about it
I came to the realization several months ago that I cant fix or change them I stopped trying Prior to that I was constantly trying to fix everything & getting absolutely nowhere with it. I didn't understand that their minds were operating on a different level than mine.
Although I stopped trying to fix them I was a raging out of control codependent trying to help that obviously hasn't worked out too well
I feel good about working up thee courage to post here. It isn't easy hearing all the candid advice. I knew but hearing it from experienced others really hits home hard.
I don't want to stay sick with this. I am going to give it my best shot to get through it. I have to develop a better mindset. that's my weak point.
Again I am very sorry for what you are going through with your son. Addiction is devastating. Its devastated me.
I wish you all the best
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I am trying hard to prepare myself for when she contacts me I am firm & committed to not contacting her I have had weak moments & reached for the phone to text are you ok? but I haven't.
She has never let me go more that a few days if I stopped talking longest ever was a week & half
Maybe she does care & is leaving me alone to sort things out I'm not sure
Maybe she is ignoring me on purpose to hope I will come running back & she will have me in her grips stronger than ever.
Maybe she & BF are on a drug binge & cant even remember my name lol
Such a mess
She has never let me go more that a few days if I stopped talking longest ever was a week & half
Maybe she does care & is leaving me alone to sort things out I'm not sure
Maybe she is ignoring me on purpose to hope I will come running back & she will have me in her grips stronger than ever.
Maybe she & BF are on a drug binge & cant even remember my name lol
Such a mess
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