I just want it to stop hurting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
I just want it to stop hurting
One day soon I will be able to tell me whole story. I feel so lost and empty. I know that there was nothing I could do. He made his choice. I know I'll get through this and one day feel much stronger. My heroin addict boyfriend left me saying I was toxic (to his addiction) he was supposed to be in a sober house, but was kicked out for a dirty urine. I have no idea how much is true since I was letting him go and went no contact. He ended up being found in Kensington having overdosed and died. He texted me that day asking me to respond and I felt like there was a force stopping me. I know it was my higher power protecting me, that he wanted to come home. It would have been all the same.I know in my heart I would have only brought an addict back home. It's just so hard to get over. He could have made any choice that day... I hope he's at peace. My heart is broken.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I am so sorry for your loss.
I have 2 signs on my fridge.
The Three C's
Didn't Cause
Can't Control
Can't Cure
And
I am not responsible for the acts of another human being.
These are so true. We all want to change them and cure them. Our Love won't do it as much as we try. So many die. I don't think that they mean to, the drug is just so overpowering. My recovering son told me that he knows so many that have died from the drugs. His cousin and his best friend to name a few.
Don't blame yourself. He is at peace now.
I have 2 signs on my fridge.
The Three C's
Didn't Cause
Can't Control
Can't Cure
And
I am not responsible for the acts of another human being.
These are so true. We all want to change them and cure them. Our Love won't do it as much as we try. So many die. I don't think that they mean to, the drug is just so overpowering. My recovering son told me that he knows so many that have died from the drugs. His cousin and his best friend to name a few.
Don't blame yourself. He is at peace now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Kristin- so sad for him. My empathy and support to you. No wise words- just practical ones...talk to someone, a counsellor- support group - a priest...you need to grieve and you need support.
Addiction truly does suck.
Addiction truly does suck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Kristin, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know you did the right thing by protecting yourself. If he didn't want to accept help and work for it, coming back to you would've only delayed the inevitable tragedy. Ive known too many people over the years who have ODed and it never gets easier.
I agree w Phoenix - get out there and see a counselor or go to a support group. Too many others are in your situation, but you can help each other by sharing your strength and experience. I wish you the best:-)
I agree w Phoenix - get out there and see a counselor or go to a support group. Too many others are in your situation, but you can help each other by sharing your strength and experience. I wish you the best:-)
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Kristin...
I am so sorry.
There are no words I can write that will take away the pain of his loss. It's senseless. How can anyone in their right mind choose that path.
But the sad truth is what happened to your boyfriend is often the final act for a lot of addicts who don't get a handle of their addictions. Sometimes we believe that if we had said the right thing at the right time, we can prevent an overdose. But that's not how it works, Kristin. Once your boyfriend made his choice to use heroin, he was unreachable from that moment on. It's awful. It's unbearably painful. And I wish that he didn't do what he did so you wouldn't have to go through what you're going through.
The hours, days and weeks to come are going to be extremely difficult. When we lose people, the grief and the mourning are difficult enough to handle on their own. But when you convolve an overdose into the mix and the senselessness of the act, what's difficult to handle becomes seemingly impossible to handle. The fact that you've come to us...the fact that in your pain, you're reaching out to us...is a sign of your strength. Know that from this moment on, you're not alone. You have us.
Again, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
There are no words I can write that will take away the pain of his loss. It's senseless. How can anyone in their right mind choose that path.
But the sad truth is what happened to your boyfriend is often the final act for a lot of addicts who don't get a handle of their addictions. Sometimes we believe that if we had said the right thing at the right time, we can prevent an overdose. But that's not how it works, Kristin. Once your boyfriend made his choice to use heroin, he was unreachable from that moment on. It's awful. It's unbearably painful. And I wish that he didn't do what he did so you wouldn't have to go through what you're going through.
The hours, days and weeks to come are going to be extremely difficult. When we lose people, the grief and the mourning are difficult enough to handle on their own. But when you convolve an overdose into the mix and the senselessness of the act, what's difficult to handle becomes seemingly impossible to handle. The fact that you've come to us...the fact that in your pain, you're reaching out to us...is a sign of your strength. Know that from this moment on, you're not alone. You have us.
Again, I'm so sorry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Thank you all so much for your support. Even here just being here lurking over the past year gave me so much strength to realize that I wasn't alone. There is so much peace in knowing that.
I just spoke with his mom and feel a lot more closure. It's amazing the different faces they put on to whomever to fit their needs. It's all about something to gain for them regardless of the carnage along the way. The end result is that he was in active addiction, he might not have been using everyday. His family wanted to believe the addict even though they preach not to enable him, or his lies. He got what he wanted out of them and was able to run free on his beloved streets of Kensington, his luck ran out. God wasn't going to let him do this on my time.
I just spoke with his mom and feel a lot more closure. It's amazing the different faces they put on to whomever to fit their needs. It's all about something to gain for them regardless of the carnage along the way. The end result is that he was in active addiction, he might not have been using everyday. His family wanted to believe the addict even though they preach not to enable him, or his lies. He got what he wanted out of them and was able to run free on his beloved streets of Kensington, his luck ran out. God wasn't going to let him do this on my time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
Hi there Kristin,
I'm so awfully sorry for your loss. I lost my AH too last summer the same way you lost your bf. The pain is overwhelming. Just try to take one day at a time. Try to find someone to talk to. I talked to a counselor and it helped a bit. Try to talk to people who you trust, a friend, someone in the family etc. Talk when you need to talk, cry, yell, do whatever you think and feel you need to do. Also keep on posting and reading on SR, seek support and comfort. It helped me. One year has passed since my AH died and it still hurts badly, but I hope it will get better with time, and I hope it will get better for you too. You couldn't have done anything different than you did with your bf. Unfortunately he chose his fatal destiny. Feel free to PM me if you want to.
Many hugs and prayers,
SoDev
I'm so awfully sorry for your loss. I lost my AH too last summer the same way you lost your bf. The pain is overwhelming. Just try to take one day at a time. Try to find someone to talk to. I talked to a counselor and it helped a bit. Try to talk to people who you trust, a friend, someone in the family etc. Talk when you need to talk, cry, yell, do whatever you think and feel you need to do. Also keep on posting and reading on SR, seek support and comfort. It helped me. One year has passed since my AH died and it still hurts badly, but I hope it will get better with time, and I hope it will get better for you too. You couldn't have done anything different than you did with your bf. Unfortunately he chose his fatal destiny. Feel free to PM me if you want to.
Many hugs and prayers,
SoDev
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
I appreciate all of your support. He was already so dead inside, now it's that the body is gone. He would have just been on a path of more distruction and probably have been out robbing people to feed his addiction. I was taken as a hostage, and robbed everyday, just like a person on the street. There was no love or light left inside him. It was dark and evil. I some times find strength in knowing I survived that torment while only losing material things that can be replaced. Money can always be remade, and those electronics have become obsolete.
I am not an addict dead in Kensington. I am going to enjoy the sunshine and lay by the pool. 2 summers here and I've been there only a few times because I was a hostage. He is dead and I am not. He doesn't get to torment and make me cry in death like he did while alive. I will not let him have this much power over me anymore. I deleted Facebook because even his family is toxic. I don't live in denial.
I am not an addict dead in Kensington. I am going to enjoy the sunshine and lay by the pool. 2 summers here and I've been there only a few times because I was a hostage. He is dead and I am not. He doesn't get to torment and make me cry in death like he did while alive. I will not let him have this much power over me anymore. I deleted Facebook because even his family is toxic. I don't live in denial.
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