It's been awhile
 

Sad to say that I'm back but frankly I never left. You never leave this - never move away from what your life becomes. In last year she has been arrested three times and is in jail now as I type. So many dead days - wishing hoping praying crying. I refused her calls from jail because it's always the same - sorry but send money. It's been 12 years of this - no positive changes just a bunch of zombies running around at my house all freaked out by her waiting for 'that call' - the call that is right around the corner. I just am so burned out and tired and sick of it all. My life fog has just got to lift - I do try - but it's just so damn hard. Some days I look around and don't know me or where I am or what has become of our lives and family. I just pray it will change but it never does. Now I know it never does - it's here to stay.

Very sorry for your pain and trouble, Amy.

Prayers to you. Talk to someone- a therapist, Al-anon, a priest....you need on the ground support. Post here until your fingers cramp up- 50 times a day.. You are not alone.. You know that- you posted. There is hope- for you. You know that you posted. Also my empathy and support.

BTW- KEEP POSTING.

When I finally realized that my son would not change, I knew that "I" would have to be the one to do it, or continue living in that addiction hell that I knew too well.

I found a meeting and made myself go, promising myself that even if I didn't like the meeting I would commit to it until I found some other form of support. I liked it from day one, those people "understood" me and had been where I was. I will always be grateful for those who went before me.

Slowly I learned a better way to live, slowly I learned that "I" did not have to be a victim of my son's addiction, I could be a survivor and move forward in my life.

I learned that nothing I did or said would change him, but that over time I could learn to change myself into someone I liked and who I hadn't seen for an awfully long time. I could reclaim my life and live well...regardless of how my son was doing.

It wasn't easy, but neither was living with addiction. It was hard some days, but I had harder days before. One day at a time I found joy, real feels good kinda joy, and I found light and hope and began to live my own recovery.

I am so sorry she continues to live in her addiction world....but you don't have to. Think about that. You CAN find a better path just for yourself, it's okay to get healthy even if she doesn't.

Stick around, find a meeting, and maybe just begin with one day of living differently. You may find it leads to many more.

Hugs