Sister with drug addiction and other mental health diagnoses
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Sister with drug addiction and other mental health diagnoses
I've already lost one sister to drug addiction, and I feel like I might have lost another
My younger sister has had problem with drugs, self harm, and disordered eating since an early teen. She attended a very religious live in rehabilitation home at 16. She also stayed closely involved with the group for many years after she finished the program. But in her early twenties she started to slip. She began using drugs and restricting her food.
Once things started becoming noticeable (she was clearly using drugs/struggling with anxiety and depression/restricting and purging her food), I helped her find an eating disorder group to attend and pushed her to talk to her doctor. She ended up doing the group, seeing a psychologist and trying medication. But things continued on a downward spiral. Once she was officially diagnosed with anorexia and borderline personality disorder she quickly plummeted to a very unsafe weight and was using a wide variety of drugs (prescription and recreational).
Her first inpatient hospital stay was sparked after an argument between us when I pulled her up and her eating habits. She became aggressive and very emotional, took off, went home, rang me over and over... I finally answered and the emotional, aggressive conversation continued. Eventually we hung up, and afterward I received a call informing me she had overdosed of sleeping pills and was in hospital...
Since then she has been readmitted to hospital four times. Threatened suicide many time. Gone of multiple benders. Is taking between four or five different prescription medications. Had two car accidents. Instigated conflict with my partner, and attempted to interfere with our relationship. This list goes on.
The amount of support I have given has gone from a lot (we were very close, I drove her to her eating disorder groups, to the doctors, I was available any time to talk when she was anxious), to, at times needed to block her number, visit less frequently, to now, she has no contact with my children (they were very close), she is not allowed in my home, I visit her very infrequently. Really, all I do now is pay for her private health insurance..
After all that, the main reason I am here. I feel as though so much of what I have been doing, while it looks like support, may have just been enabling.
I want to know, from people who have experience both sides, am I causing more harm than good doing things like paying for health insurance, helping her store furniture, assisting in planning etc?
My younger sister has had problem with drugs, self harm, and disordered eating since an early teen. She attended a very religious live in rehabilitation home at 16. She also stayed closely involved with the group for many years after she finished the program. But in her early twenties she started to slip. She began using drugs and restricting her food.
Once things started becoming noticeable (she was clearly using drugs/struggling with anxiety and depression/restricting and purging her food), I helped her find an eating disorder group to attend and pushed her to talk to her doctor. She ended up doing the group, seeing a psychologist and trying medication. But things continued on a downward spiral. Once she was officially diagnosed with anorexia and borderline personality disorder she quickly plummeted to a very unsafe weight and was using a wide variety of drugs (prescription and recreational).
Her first inpatient hospital stay was sparked after an argument between us when I pulled her up and her eating habits. She became aggressive and very emotional, took off, went home, rang me over and over... I finally answered and the emotional, aggressive conversation continued. Eventually we hung up, and afterward I received a call informing me she had overdosed of sleeping pills and was in hospital...
Since then she has been readmitted to hospital four times. Threatened suicide many time. Gone of multiple benders. Is taking between four or five different prescription medications. Had two car accidents. Instigated conflict with my partner, and attempted to interfere with our relationship. This list goes on.
The amount of support I have given has gone from a lot (we were very close, I drove her to her eating disorder groups, to the doctors, I was available any time to talk when she was anxious), to, at times needed to block her number, visit less frequently, to now, she has no contact with my children (they were very close), she is not allowed in my home, I visit her very infrequently. Really, all I do now is pay for her private health insurance..
After all that, the main reason I am here. I feel as though so much of what I have been doing, while it looks like support, may have just been enabling.
I want to know, from people who have experience both sides, am I causing more harm than good doing things like paying for health insurance, helping her store furniture, assisting in planning etc?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hi and welcome,
I think one of the best definitions of enabling is...........removing the natural consequences of someone's behavior. And doing things for people that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I personal think that if you have the means to pay for her health insurance and paying that doesn't jeopardize your own financial stability or put a strain on you then keeping her insured for her health is ok. But not sure what planning you are referring to? It's very hard when addiction is topped off with mental illness., it kind of throws continuous curve balls and makes us walk that fine line.
I do think it's smart to detach and put some distance there especially with the kids. The less they are exposed to her antics and irrational behavior the better.
I am glad you found us, lots of excellent support here for you which is so important!!
I think one of the best definitions of enabling is...........removing the natural consequences of someone's behavior. And doing things for people that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I personal think that if you have the means to pay for her health insurance and paying that doesn't jeopardize your own financial stability or put a strain on you then keeping her insured for her health is ok. But not sure what planning you are referring to? It's very hard when addiction is topped off with mental illness., it kind of throws continuous curve balls and makes us walk that fine line.
I do think it's smart to detach and put some distance there especially with the kids. The less they are exposed to her antics and irrational behavior the better.
I am glad you found us, lots of excellent support here for you which is so important!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by atalose 
Hi and welcome,
I think one of the best definitions of enabling is...........removing the natural consequences of someone's behavior. And doing things for people that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I personal think that if you have the means to pay for her health insurance and paying that doesn't jeopardize your own financial stability or put a strain on you then keeping her insured for her health is ok. But not sure what planning you are referring to? It's very hard when addiction is topped off with mental illness., it kind of throws continuous curve balls and makes us walk that fine line.
I do think it's smart to detach and put some distance there especially with the kids. The less they are exposed to her antics and irrational behavior the better.
I am glad you found us, lots of excellent support here for you which is so important!!
I think one of the best definitions of enabling is...........removing the natural consequences of someone's behavior. And doing things for people that they can and should be doing for themselves.
I personal think that if you have the means to pay for her health insurance and paying that doesn't jeopardize your own financial stability or put a strain on you then keeping her insured for her health is ok. But not sure what planning you are referring to? It's very hard when addiction is topped off with mental illness., it kind of throws continuous curve balls and makes us walk that fine line.
I do think it's smart to detach and put some distance there especially with the kids. The less they are exposed to her antics and irrational behavior the better.
I am glad you found us, lots of excellent support here for you which is so important!!
Thank you for your reply.
I read through the 10 ways to help a loved one with drug addiction, and one of the suggestions is not to support your loved one financially. Wouldn't paying her health insurance be a means of financial enabling?
I can understand helping someone who is trying to get better. I suppose the concern I am having, is I don't get the feeling she wants to recover. She continues to engage with people who trigger her, she continues to severely restrict her food, she jokes about how easy it will be to get drugs in rehab..... What does recovery look like?
I may be somewhat biased, but I witnessed this with my other sister. She would seek help when she ran out of money, or a place to stay, or the her body become so accustomed to the drug that she no longer got the same effects. We'd take her in, organise rehab, help her get herself together, and then either find out she was binging on alcohol, stealing, or she would just disappear altogether.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
. We'd take her in, organise rehab, help her get herself together, and then either find out she was binging on alcohol, stealing, or she would just disappear altogether.
I think if she is not trying then you shouldn't either and stop paying for her health insurance. That is not your responsibility. I was thinking that if she was seeking help then continuing her health insurance would be nice if you could afford it. But given this situation, NO I would no longer pay her insurance.
Recovery looks like recovery. Changing people, places and things. Going to support meetings or counseling. Making noticeable changes from previous behavior.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are dealing with much more than an addict. You are dealing with an eating disordered, BPD patient. That is serious, and fatal in many cases. BPD has a super low cure rate, and it takes a huge amount of commitment and admission from the patient. Throw in eating disorder and that's huge.
I would get advise from a professional who can guide you. Do not let anyone here on this site advise you. None are professionals and are here to support you mentally while you go through this crisis.
Hugs hugs for what you are doing through. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
I would get advise from a professional who can guide you. Do not let anyone here on this site advise you. None are professionals and are here to support you mentally while you go through this crisis.
Hugs hugs for what you are doing through. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Thank you.
I do have a professional whom I have been seeing on a regular basis for many years. He's advised me to stay away from the situation, because her behaviour is a trigger for my disorded eating and lifestyle choices. I have come from a very unstable place, including self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, disordered eating etc and spent many years in therapy getting to where I am now (and I still have many challenging days)....
Sigh, but being the 'functional' one in the family, everyone comes to me. I should be able to help because I'm 'doing ok'.
Every time I put in a boundary I am scorned and guilted for being selfish and cold. I've tried so hard for so many years now, and got knows maybe I've been doing the wrong thing. I just don't know. Whatever I do, nothing seems to help. I've given so much, I've just the love approach, the tough love approach, being very involved, encouraging her to be independent. I am just exhausted.
And then I am so done. I just want to be left alone. I really do. I read articles and post on this forum that talk about recovery, of people who really wanting to recover just finding a way, and I just want to step away and let her do it. Maybe being alone will push in that direction. Maybe I am just enabling and drawing out the process.
But then I think, god.... I have already lost one sister to drugs. Can I really be losing another?
I do have a professional whom I have been seeing on a regular basis for many years. He's advised me to stay away from the situation, because her behaviour is a trigger for my disorded eating and lifestyle choices. I have come from a very unstable place, including self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, disordered eating etc and spent many years in therapy getting to where I am now (and I still have many challenging days)....
Sigh, but being the 'functional' one in the family, everyone comes to me. I should be able to help because I'm 'doing ok'.
Every time I put in a boundary I am scorned and guilted for being selfish and cold. I've tried so hard for so many years now, and got knows maybe I've been doing the wrong thing. I just don't know. Whatever I do, nothing seems to help. I've given so much, I've just the love approach, the tough love approach, being very involved, encouraging her to be independent. I am just exhausted.
And then I am so done. I just want to be left alone. I really do. I read articles and post on this forum that talk about recovery, of people who really wanting to recover just finding a way, and I just want to step away and let her do it. Maybe being alone will push in that direction. Maybe I am just enabling and drawing out the process.
But then I think, god.... I have already lost one sister to drugs. Can I really be losing another?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
It sounds like while you may be "the strong on" yourself, that you are still in a fragile state. You have to know that you are not responsible for either of your sisters. And I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like you could easily be dragged along with them.
I think it's really good you are working with someone, and that you are working on boundaries. We all have to form them, and we all waiver sometimes. That's life, and empathy. However, they have to be there to save your own life.
Feel free to vent away anytime. There are many people here who get it, and understand.
It sounds like while you may be "the strong on" yourself, that you are still in a fragile state. You have to know that you are not responsible for either of your sisters. And I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like you could easily be dragged along with them.
I think it's really good you are working with someone, and that you are working on boundaries. We all have to form them, and we all waiver sometimes. That's life, and empathy. However, they have to be there to save your own life.
Feel free to vent away anytime. There are many people here who get it, and understand.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Every time I put in a boundary I am scorned and guilted for being selfish and cold. I've tried so hard for so many years now, and got knows maybe I've been doing the wrong thing. I just don't know. Whatever I do, nothing seems to help. I've given so much, I've just the love approach, the tough love approach, being very involved, encouraging her to be independent. I am just exhausted.
Maybe now is the time to do the hands off the addict, mouth shut about anything having to do with addiction/recovery/rehab/meetings and put lots of distance between you and them approach for a while.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Thank you, Atalose, Teatree007 and Hopeful4. I think I really needed to hear that at the moment.
I let my sister know that I can't be her support person, that I need to look after myself at the moment. I haven't received any reply so far, and I'm feeling super anxious about it all.
I let my sister know that I can't be her support person, that I need to look after myself at the moment. I haven't received any reply so far, and I'm feeling super anxious about it all.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes when we set boundaries for ourselves we don’t have to inform anyone else, we just need to follow through for our own sake.
Maybe instead of telling her you can’t be her support person right now, you just let your own actions speak it. Letting her know opens you up for a debate with her, an argument etc.
I wouldn’t sit around waiting for her to respond, that’s kind of like waiting for the opening curtain for the next act of drama to occur. Just take care of you and keep taking the next right step for yourself.
Maybe instead of telling her you can’t be her support person right now, you just let your own actions speak it. Letting her know opens you up for a debate with her, an argument etc.
I wouldn’t sit around waiting for her to respond, that’s kind of like waiting for the opening curtain for the next act of drama to occur. Just take care of you and keep taking the next right step for yourself.
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I generally agree, but she has been actively requested help in various areas (money, storing her things etc) recently, and she will push and push unless I give a non negotiable answer.
Maybe I could be less blunt about it, but I feel like without the black and white "this is the way it is going to be" response, by entire family will just maneuver there way back in...
It's not that I don't want to help, but I have been 'helping' for so long. And everything is just getting worse.
Maybe I could be less blunt about it, but I feel like without the black and white "this is the way it is going to be" response, by entire family will just maneuver there way back in...
It's not that I don't want to help, but I have been 'helping' for so long. And everything is just getting worse.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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It's not that I don't want to help, but I have been 'helping' for so long. And everything is just getting worse.
When we choose to not participate in their drama, when we choose to say the word NO and we choose NOT to do things for them they should be doing for themselves..........that doesn't make us uncaring or unloving it makes us healthy thinkers. We can and often should love from a distance. Because love doesn't always need to be an action on our part it could simple be a silent prayer for them.
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Thank you, Atalose.
I let her know that I couldn't keep supporting her financially, or with keeping her furniture when she goes into rehab. I didn't hear anything back from her about it, but today I've heard from our Mum that she (sister) is saying she is rethinking going to rehab at all.
I thought this was probably going to happen, and on a logical level, I know nothing has changed. If she was only going to rehab because of my financial support (she still has well enough government support to go to the rehab), then she wasn't going for herself anyway. Now the only difference is I know that she doesn't want it for herself... And I think I already knew this.
But god, it doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm really tired. I feel for everyone here who has watched their loved ones suffer like this, and be so helpless to do anything about it.
I let her know that I couldn't keep supporting her financially, or with keeping her furniture when she goes into rehab. I didn't hear anything back from her about it, but today I've heard from our Mum that she (sister) is saying she is rethinking going to rehab at all.
I thought this was probably going to happen, and on a logical level, I know nothing has changed. If she was only going to rehab because of my financial support (she still has well enough government support to go to the rehab), then she wasn't going for herself anyway. Now the only difference is I know that she doesn't want it for herself... And I think I already knew this.
But god, it doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm really tired. I feel for everyone here who has watched their loved ones suffer like this, and be so helpless to do anything about it.
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