Got drugs from and slept with prostitutes
 

I can't feel. I can't. I know it was a violation, but I read his journal while he went to work just now.

Why did I let him touch me? I don't want him to ever touch me again.

I'm just shaking.

I am not married to a nice guy.

How did I miss this? I feel so stupid. So stupid. So dumb. I knew my gut was telling me something. It's always right.

I will never be able to move past this. My marriage is done. This man never really loved me. How could I have ever ever ever allowed myself to be with someone like this? Oh my god. Oh my god I thought crack was bad enough. Oh my god. I haven't even been a small part of any consideration at all. I didn't even exist. How can he bear to even look at me after doing that? I wasn't even an afterthought. I didn't even count. All that DUMBASS CRYING I was doing over someone who was out ******* prostitutes? Putting my health at risk? SOCIOPATH.

I can't even feel right now. I can't cry. This is going to be bad when it hits me. But you know what, that moment when you're done? I'm done.

I want to go sleep with about a thousand men right now. A thousand. Orgies of men way more well hung than he is. In front of his face.

How? How could I not have seen this? How could I have ever thought this was a marriage? How can this be happening? How could I put myself in this position? How on earth do I ever ever trust another living soul again?

I don't have an ounce of love left for him left. It's just coldness.

This is not excused by drugs. I wish I had slept around on him during our relationship. I REALLY wish I had. I have been made a fool of completely.

Deelilah I am so sorry for your pain. Sending you strength and courage and hugs. Please do not beat yourself up for not seeing this.

I could have HIV. I could have all manner of diseases.

I'm so sorry. I get it. I really do. Sometimes I think thats the worst part of it, being treated and made to feel like you are a fool. But, Dee, You're not. YOU are the normal one here, he is the one out of whack. What he did is NOT Fair or right. Period. I know you're spinning right now. Take a breath. You are better than sinking down to his level. What he did IS unexusable, awful. But its from HIS lack of worth, NOT yours. YOU are the one with your head on right, and even though you just got smacked a good one, you WILL find your footing again. None if it is your fault, what, You believed? You trusted? There are trustworthy people out there, he's just not one of them. sorry. you are not alone, and you are NOT a fool. He just "thought" you were.

Go get tested asap and at least be able to rule that worry out

I just truly don't get it. I know he's messed up. But my god. I didn't think he was "that" guy. No, that's not true...had I not been worrying about it, I wouldn't have ever read his journal.

I don't know...I think I just want to be single for the rest of my life right now. I cannot believe that the "nice guy" has caused me more pain than my emotionally abusive first husband did. That blows my mind.

I am so sorry, Dee. You must be feeling 100 kinds of awful right now.
I have no words.
Go get tested. Make sure you are okay.
Deep breaths.

I have to get out of this marriage so that I never have to feel pain from his direction again. I would not survive it. I can't. I feel like the last few months have taken a decade off of my life.

I let someone destroy my belief in "forever", once upon a time. I got so damaged, that I would not be able to trust anyone, ever, again. I built a thousand walls to protect myself.
A long time passed.
I healed, a little.
I learned to trust myself more than anyone ever again.
I looked at other happy people in relationships and wondered why was I so flawed that I couldn't have that, I couldn't deserve it.
I gave up.
Years later, I met someone, that made me WANT to believe again. It took a long time for him to bust down my walls. Still got one or two up, probably. Still will always trust MYSELF more than anyone else, been to burned not to.
Look, what I m saying is, you have EVERY right to feel how you feel THIS minute, how else are you supposed to feel. But that you WONT always feel this way. Its gonna take more than a minute to heal, for sure. But, I promise, it gets a hell of a lot better than where you are now.

I'm so sorry that you've felt this crap before. My walls are about a thousand feet high right now. I hope you're right. Otherwise I'm just going to grow old with a bunch of dogs because they don't screw you over and violate your trust. I feel like a ship coming back from war riddled with holes and burns, halfway afloat. Damage damage damage. My god, I'm not a bad person. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve this. I've never been brought so low before. I am so disgusted with myself that I loved someone who would treat me this way.

I'm so sorry Dee...so so sorry. You need to do two things today. One, get yourself tested. Your local health department should be to take care of it for you. Two, take time for YOU. Sort out your emotions. Don't take for granted being a good woman and a good wife, even if he was the worst kind of person. Addiction creates monsters. Disgusting, sickening monsters. Hugs and prayers ❤

Deel- that sucks, addictions- all of them suck. You do not. You do trust SR type people. It is not you. You are not stupid or naïve or anything like that..
Do you have someone you can talk to - a professional? Al- anon, a counsellor?
Perhaps go and see your doc. You need to calm down, remember to eat, hydrate and rest. Post a zillion times. Do not do anything- like make big decisions or send emails or post on f/b when you are highly emotionally charged. Stay safe. Do you have some where you can go- to stay, neutral ground...to collect your thoughts? I have no answers- just that I am concerned about your emotional well being..and to get support.
Empathy and support offered. PJ

If you had KNOWN he was going to treat you this way, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have jumped feet first.
NOBODY deserves what you got.
You know, it's okay to protect yourself and feel the way you feel right now. You WERE hit upside the back of the head. Its going to take sometime to find your footing. Especially when new information (that you don't really want) keeps smacking you.
Dogs are better anyway. ;) You can train em easier and I'd take barking over bs and lies anyday.
Here's what I learned.... Listen to YOURSELF, not what society tells you. (I thought I was "supposed" to be dating again far sooner than what was right for ME.) It ok to hurt when you've been smacked a good one. You CANT know what people will do or what flaws they can carry until they show you. Its what you do after that that matters. And you are your OWN BEST FRIEND. Trust yourself. You can see yourself through this. It WILL get better. It just takes time. How much time? more time. Keep talking about it, it will help you get your head around it.

Yeah, tested is top priority. I can't even think right now. I'm frozen.

I'm going to Naranon tonight. I told one friend. I definitely won't get dramatic or anything. I'm too shocked and cold right now. I'm home alone, thank god, though he's coming home shortly. I'm concerned about my emotional well-being too. If I hadn't thrown out all the alcohol, I'd probably be drunk right now. I can't even cry.

I should have left the first time he came home high on crack. I should have listened to everyone here. I know I'm not stupid, but I feel so stupid. I feel like a complete fool. What must he have thought watching me cry over him? That I was an idiot. No respect for me at all.

He doesn't deserve one more tear from me ever again.